VENGEANCE! The Musical! The Story of Uchiha Sasuke!

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 3: Shameless Merchandizing

Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine. I'm not claiming credit nor making money from it. Quite the opposite. Please don't sue me. Would you like to visit the TvTropes Crowning Moment of Funny page (tvtropes. org/ pmwiki/ pmwiki. php/ Funny/Fanfic)? Yes, I'm shameless. It's a side-effect of the massive crack infusion.


After all this, there was the merchandizing.

Commercials versions of Sasuke's leather outfit as seen on the posters began selling like kunai. The leather industry never had it so good.

Everyone else was treated to the sight of Akamichi+ sized people wearing tight leather. The blind never had it so good.

This being a ninja-village however, it didn't stop there. Other popular products that shot off from the play were: grenades in the shape of blue penguins, glowing 'lightsaber' rapiers (which saw an upswing in genin injuries for those stupid enough to bring perpetually glowing swords on stealth missions), toilet paper with Itachi's face printed into each square (the company would later diversify into other hated figures, such as certain Councilors, famous enemy ninja, and of course Naruto. He sued them for using his likeness, and demanded his percentage of the proceeds), and various novelty weapons that, this being a ninja village, actually worked (thereby reviving the much beleaguered mallet industry).


The final curtain finally dropped to thunderous applause, people rising in their seats and whistling appreciatively. A steady, appreciative buzz of conversation rose as people began leaving the theater, talking about heir favorite part of it.

"… Sasuke-kun in skin-tight leather…"

"… did you SEE those girls in the…?"

"… the one playing that villain whatsisname was pretty hot. Do you think he's single…?"

"… Sasuke-kun in skin-tight leather…"

"… 'I do it for the evulz'! I never thought Itachi to have a catchphrase, but his little brother would know, wouldn't he…? "

"SO YOUTHFUL!-!-!-!-!"

"… Sasuke-kun in skin-tight leather…"

"…and then there was Sasuke riding the zombie T-rex…!-!-!"

"… zombie werewolves….!"

"… killed all of Itachi's sparkly vampires…!-!-!-!"


"All right you shota-con, we get it!"

And so, everyone went home, with the ANBU following the talkative shota-con just in case. The theater closed for the night.

And an hour later, Itachi finally blinked, closing his dry mouth and them spitting out the fly that had made it's home in one of his back molars where a little bit of candy was stuck. He slowly rose from his seat, woodenly turning toward the nearest exit. Clearly, the Hokage wasn't living up to his end of their bargain. There will be JUSTICE!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!

Itachi counted the overabundance of exclamation marks and didn't care. He had a RIGHT to a disturbed mind!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!


The final curtain finally dropped to thunderous applause, people rising in their seats and whistling appreciatively. A steady, appreciative buzz of conversation rose as people began leaving the theater, talking about heir favorite part of it.


"… shouldn't you be in jail…?"

"… Itachi's dress was so COOL. It must be mine…!"

"… do they sell chainsaws like that, you think…?"

"… I hear they're merchandising all the weapons now too, so yeah……? "

"SO YOUTHFUL!-!-!-!-!"



"…and then there was Sasuke riding the zombie T-rex…!-!-!"

"… zombie werevelciraptors….!"

"… killed all of Itachi's chlorine elementals…!-!-!-!"

"It's a brand new day….!"

Itachi, Kisame, Zabuza and Haku lay back on their seats, letting the utter awesomeness they'd just viewed simmer as they waited for the aisles to clear. "Once again, SO worth it!" Kisame sighed happily.

"Indeed," Itachi agreed, happy homicidal lyrics dancing in his ears.

"I want that dress…" Haku sighed dreamily.

"Haku, we've talked about this…" Zabuza said.

"You wish you can look good as me," Itachi told the disturbingly androgynous mist-nin.

"Don't encourage him, Uchiha."


Sarutobi Hiruzen was in his office, working on the last of his papers and wondering if he could make time to go to the theater the next day when the door suddenly burst open, and a pissed Uchiha Itachi crossed the threshold, slamming the door behind him. "Hokage-sama," he said threateningly, "we need to talk."

Sarutobi (technically, we could call him Hiruzen, but the conventions of more than nine years of this fandom are tough to shed, and really, it's hard to think of him as anything but Sarutobi), with the strength of will that comes from being a world class ninja (and therefore having the insanely huge selection of jutsu to choose from to kill and/or destroy every annoying problem, paper-pusher and councilperson in his life but the resolve not to do so), years of handling Konoha's paperwork (see previous), and dealing with Naruto (you get the idea), didn't allow himself to show fear, even though he knew he was closer to death than ever before, or at least since the last time he'd gone to the theater without an oxygen tank. "Itaschi-kun. Have a seat. I suppose I've been expecting this conversation, though I really wished otherwise. This is very dangerous for you, after all…"

"Dangerous? My little brother is dancing around in a shota-con leather-fetishist's– no, scratch that– he's dancing around looking like Orochimaru's wettest dream! We are past 'dangerous' and are well into 'WHAT THE FUCK!-!-!-!-' territory! You better have a good explanation, or I swear, I'm burning this village into a hole in the ground! So start explaining!-!-!"

After a beat, because Itachi's mother raised him right, he added, "Please." But he managed to say it in a very rude tone.

"If it makes you feel any better, this wasn't what I had in mind when I recommended he find some outlet for his emotions. I blame the therapist," Sarutobi said. "You see, it all started like this…"


After Haku had dragged Zabuza off to try to find a dress in his size– some marketing genius had decided that a store across the street from the theater that was still open was just the thing everyone needed– Itachi and Kisame wandered off with the intention of leaving the village ASAP.

At least, that was the intention, until they spotted a tall, pale, willowy woman with long black hair and wearing a backless pink dress. She clutched her purse primly as she made her way to wear a line leading backstage was forming, a small pass in her hands. She looked exactly like the sort of person to put on a pair of glasses and yell "Co-BRA!" or some other battlecry relating to vaguely serpentine reptiles.

Itachi stepped smoothly into her path. "Hello, Orochimaru. What have I told you about trying to molest my little borther?"

Orochimaru pouted. It had to be the hair, Itachi decided. That had to be how the snake-sannin and Haku managed to pull of backless dresses. Any other alternative lay madness. "Itachi. Shouldn't you be off somewhere being completely useless since no one has to go after the Kyuubi until last?"

"Do you want Konan to know you've been stealing from her closet?" Itachi countered.

"I have NOT! This is Pain's," Orochimaru said, huffing primly.

"Do you want Konan to know you've been raiding her boy's closet, then?"

"… Damn you."

"Get in line. Now why don't you get back to plotting your ridiculously phallic vengeance against the village, and I'll go work on building an army of chlorine elementals."

Orochimaru growled, but turned, nose in the air and hair flowing around like a shampoo commercial. Itachi resisted the urge to ask what brand the other ninja used.

"I wonder what brand he uses?" Kisame mused as he sidled next to his partner. Partner, that is, purely in the cooperative sense, and in none other. Nope, definitely none other.

They watched as Orochimaru flounced into the store across the street, only to be waylaid by Haku, who began talking excitedly. From what they could make out, the conversation had to do with hair.

"Come on, Kisame," Itachi said, twirling his umbrella and getting into character, walking towards the gates with the dapper and slightly brainless stride of a gentleman of leisure. "Let us leave Konoha, It's getting a bit too weird for me."

"I thought you lived here."

"I did. Why do you think I killed my entire clan so I'd have an excuse to stay away?"



"He's very good with children," Saurotbi said defensively. "They like him. What's the worse that could have happened?"

"IT WAS MAITO GAI!" Itachi said, self-evidently. "And since when was he a qualified therapist?"

"Kakashi dared him to do it," Sarutobi said. "Something about how Gai would never be able to qualify in a year. Besides, it was either him or Anko. Who knows what would have happened if we left him under her care?

"He'd have become a vengeance-driven workaholic seeking tirelessly to put me out of my misery," Itachi snapped. "You know, like I'd wanted?" A beat. "Since when was Mitarashi Anko a therapist?"

"I thought working with children would be good for her, plus the training would help her get over her problems," Sarutobi said, squirming self-consciously. "It was something for her to do while we took her out of active duty."

"Why did I think my clan trying to destroy the reigning status quo was a bad idea again?" Itachi said.


- To be continued...


A/N: And that's why Maito Gai and Mitarashi Anko are allowed to be a ninja despite their more-obvious-than-usual mental quirks. They faked their own paperwork.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.