My Name is Buck

Now, I bet y'all are expectin' some huge yarn, some great story that would blow your mind. Sorry to say that ain't my style. I ain't anythin' fancy. But my buddy, though? He's seen more crap than most public toilets. See, he's The Chosen One. Chosen for what, you may ask? He fights off evil. You know, monsters, demons, and one ugly-ass book.

I'm sure you're wonderin' just who my buddy is. His name's Ash. I know, I know, he doesn't exactly have the name you expect for a savior of humanity. But let me tell ya, he's got more moxie than Bill Gates has money. I've seen him face down some crazy stuff. Hell, I saw it and I'm still havin' trouble trying to get it all put together. All I know is that all his trouble started with his... devil book, for lack of a better term. He called it the Necronomicon ex Mortis. I had a chance to look up exactly what it means. Apparently, it means "Book of the Dead".

He came across this damned book in a cabin secluded in the woods. He was there with is girlfriend at the time, Linda. Apparently, the book unleashed a spirit which took possession of her. Ash said he had to chop her up to save his life. The book sent another spirit, and that one took control of Ash's right hand. He ended up lopping the thing off with a chainsaw. I tell ya, he had to have a gargantuan set to do somethin' like that. Next thing he knew, he was able to summon a portal which tossed him back in time, some 700 years.

While back in 1300, he found his new love, Sheila, and got a mechanical hand made of armor. Also had to face a evil version of hisself, called Bad Ash, and an entire army of the dead. He came back here, and he's been fightin' the evil ever since. Whether it be some deadites (his name for the demons from the book), or a batch of demons named after the 7 deadly sins, he's always put a boot up their ass. And somehow, he always gets the lady in the end. I gotta say, in some ways I envy the guy, in others I'm glad he's the one doin' all the fightin'.

Although, a naggin' part of me says that I dealt with these thing myself. I swear I had one of those tiny little bastards in my gut, and they couldn't handle my flask juice. I ended up squeezin' the damned thing out and giving it a lead enema to boot. I know I blew the head off of one possessed dame, saving Ash's hide. I got bashed in the guy by Iggy, one of my co-workers, whose hand was possessed. I nearly got suffocated by a demented smiley face. Hell, I was snagged by a freakin' possessed boiler, fer Chrissakes!

Anywho, that's my yarn. But, before I head off, I figure I might as well tell you something about one o' my ancestors. See, while Ash talked about his time back when, he mentioned a blacksmith. Said that the blacksmith helped make that hand of his. Thinkin' back, my gran-daddy said there was an old family fable. Of how my ancestor created a magic hand, capable of bendin' steel and stoppin' swords. Of making a horseless carriage of steel, designed for war. Of how my ancestor befriended a man who seemed so foreign, yet guided them to victory during their darkest time. It's an odd thing, this... Heh. I just trying to figure out when I should tell Ash 'You're Welcome for the hand.'

Just a little ditty I wrote to honor two of my favorite characters in the Evil Dead franchise. For the record, Buck is not an OC. He actually appeared in Dynamite Comic's Army of Darkness comic series within two storylines: Shop 'til you Drop Dead, and Home Sweet Hell. All the events that he described actually appeared within those storylines. Also, I dedicated this to the blacksmith, the oft-overlooked character from the AoD film. However, the final bit is obviously a leap of faith, but it seems so right. I mean, awesomeness begets awesomeness, does it not?

Anyways, you can see that I do not hold the rights to the Army of Darkness franchise.