Okay, a few things before we get into this.

1: I wrote this purely because I was bored and I've been wanting to right an Excel Saga fic for a while now.

2: If Excel seems a littles less crazy, that's because I based this oneshot off the manga version, which is not quite as....silly as the anime.

3: Also, if you don't have much of a history with Excel Saga, this stuff may be a bit difficult to follow. If anything doesn't make sense, or seems too random, well, that's basically how the series is supposed to be-senseless and random.

4: I don't own anything related to Excel Saga. Nothing at all. =3

5: Enjoy!

"Hail Ilapalaz-ack!"

That was the typical line uttered by one Excel Excel, well almost. That surprised 'ack'? Most definitely not typical, even for her. Now, the cause of this uncharacteristic utterance? Why, her fellow colleague, Hyatt, falling on top of her in one of her usual moments of death.

"Hatchan! If you're going to die, at least don't do it on me! Especially not in the middle of my greeting the wonderful Lord Ilapalazzo!" Excel yelled, pushing the dead girl off her body.

"Now," the deranged agent of the ideological organization of ACROSS-and no, do not ask me what that means, for I do not know- began, tapping her chin as she raised an eyebrow. "What was I do-" Realization hitting her, she snapped her fingers. "But of course! How could Excel forget?!"

"Hail Ilapalazzo!" Excel cried at the top of her lungs-an event that was pretty much the norm for her.

The leader of ACROSS raised an eyebrow at his senior agent's loud tone of voice. For some reason, it seemed especially strident this morning-an unusual feat considering this was Excel we're talking about. But before Ilapalazzo could begin to wonder just how the crazed girl managed to manipulate her vocal cords, another voice caught his attention. This as a much softer, more fragile sounding voice. And unlike Excel, this one didn't make him cringe in annoyance.

"Hail…Ilapalazzo…" Hyatt managed to get out, just pulling herself from death's grasp.

"Ah yes," the ACROSS leader started to say, clearing his throat. "Very nice. Excel," he turned to the blonde girl in question, his yellow, cat-like eyes narrowed. "You sound especially…euphoric today."

"Why thank you Lord Ilapalazzo! That's just the thing Excel was going for! And what, you ask, is making her all the more joyful? Why it happens to be-"

The rope.

Oh, the rope.

That light grayish clump of cords weaved in and out, in and out. That tassel at the end. It was a sight Excel knew all too well. She had only gotten glimpses of it, but she had received so many small foretastes it was almost as if she had gazed upon it for hours.

And she knew just what it meant.

When that line was lowered to Ilapalazzo's eye level-by no physical work from the man himself, Excel knew just what was about to happen. And as the leader of ACROSS wrapped a gloved hand around that rope, it was only just a matter of time…

Ilapalazzo tugged the line once, and a panel opened up in the floor-right beneath Excel's feet. The blonde gave a single shrilling scream as gravity took over and pulled her into the abyss that was the oubliette. Down she fell, for who knows how long-not even me and I'm the one writing this fic-until suddenly, her world grew cold and dark.

Not to mention wet.

And as the translucent blue liquid filled her lungs, Excel thrashed her arms and legs about, trying to pull herself from the water's grip. It took some doing, but the ACROSS agent managed to break the surface of the water, letting out what could only be described as a mix between a gasp and a cough.

Taking a moment to collect herself, Excel leaned against the brick wall. Her palms and the right side of her face were planted against the small parapet, her blonde hair plastered against her head. She gasped for breath. And yet…and yet she could not help but crack a small smile. Despite it all, falling down the oubliette did have that nice fun factor.

"At least this time there's no Excel-eating creature around."

That jinxed it. For as soon as that thought finished its run through her head, Excel felt something clamp around her leg. What felt like little needles pierced the skin-hard-, sending flashes of white hot pain up and down the girl's limb. She screamed once, her head thrown back. It was then, out of the corner of her eyes, that she spotted the cause of her pain.

Coiling itself around her body, was a snake.

A big snake.

No, make that a huge snake.

No make tha…well, let's just say, if that serpent wanted to swallow Excel whole-most likely as a meal-it could manage. Quite well, in fact.

Wide-eyed, Excel called out to the two above, as she scrambled to get back up to the surface, fingering any gaps in the bricks she could find on her climb. "Lord Ilapalazzo! Hatchan! Save me!"

No answer. Not even a dying gasp from Hyatt. Excel cringed as the snake tightened itself around her body. "Damn, I never thought this was that far down! How am I supposed to let Lord Ilapalazzo know that I need…." "Don't cut off my breath don't cut off my breath don'tcutofmybreathdon'tcutoffmybreath!" she shouted in a rapid, high-pitched voice, as the snake squeezed itself ever so tighter around Excel.

But this only made her that much more determined to reach the surface. And as her lungs grew weak, and the pumping of her heart slowed down, Excel continued to clamber up the walls. Several times, she very nearly lost her grip. And she would have too, had it not been her love for Ilapalazzo, combined with her usual 'Excelishness'-called that because I can think of no other 'word' or 'phrase' that best describes her at this moment-that kept her going.

There was no piece of a wall above her-Excel's hands touched air. Air! Which could only mean one thing. Lifting her head up, the ACROSS agent could see Hyatt standing near her, just where she had been before. Of course, the puddle of blood oozing around her suggested her subordinate officer had been at death's door at least once while Excel was in the pit.

And there, several tiles in front of them, was Ilapalazzo, standing in front of his throne. Excel broke into a wide smile upon seeing him, the blush on her face mixing in with the blue that was seeping through her skin.

And speaking of which, there was still that snake wrapped around her. Now would be a good time for her to get that serpent off of her. Any later and poor Excel could be as dead as Hyatt was a moment ago. Thus, it happened to be fortunate that the snake's tail was dangling very close to the wall in front of her.

With the last of her strength, Excel lifted a foot up and planted the toe of her boot firmly in the tail of the snake. The reptile let out a pained hiss, loosening the coils around the girl's body. With a free hand, the ACROSS agent pushed down on the serpent's heading, coaxing it off her. None too gently though.

That did it. The snake slipped off Excel. A loud splash was heard the reptile hit the water. And then, silence. Breathing an inwardly sigh of relief, Excel, still hanging from the ledge, rested her head in her arms.

"Thus," Ilapalazzo began, not paying any attention to his senior agent. "Our mission today will be…"

As the leader of ACROSS told of this latest assignment, a satisfied grin crossed Excel's face.

"Just in time."