Letters from a Dark Lord: Part 1
By: Angua27 (aka Cousin Funf - a member of the Uruk-hai hotties)

I put this up and was so happy because someone actually read these. And liked them! This is my first fanfic on the 'net so R/R and stuff. Basically, this is what I do during German, Spanish, and Business. So I'm sorry if I frighten you. Okay, just wanted to let you know that I don't own any of these characters, but I bet you hear that all the time. (Yells at Samwise to stay in his cage) Hope you enjoy!

Dear Voldemort,
Hi! My name's Saruman. The other day I was browsing through my latest edition of "Dark Lords Weekly" and I came across the penpals section. Now ever since my dark citadel at Isengard fell I've had nothing to do but play tic-tac-toe with my orcs (and I haven't won yet!). So anyway, I've had a lot of time on my hands...and you seemed to fit me the best.
I see under your interests you put "torturing people smaller than me, laughing maniacally, using unforgivable curses, and collecting butterflies." I enjoy all of those things too, except for one, but I suppose I would like using unforgivable curses if I knew what they were. And of course we're both dark lords. Actually I've been having a bit of trouble with the hole dark lord thing. I've never been a supreme dark lord or anything because this dude Sauron keeps messing up my plans to overthrow Middle Earth. I mean really, this guy has like nine riders and I have armies of 10,000 orcs - and he's supposed to be more evil than me. It's sooooo not fair! Well, I guess you know how it is. It's all pretty pointless anyway since this halfling destroyed Sauron's ring. He's such a big baby! It wasn't even the right ring and he gets all upset and disappears. I actually have the real ring, but I can't figure out how to work it. It just keeps filling this one room in my citadel up with classical music and cotton candy. I don't see how that's supposed to help me rule the world. But sooner or later they'll have to accept me. We do live in a fantasy world, and it's just crying out for a dark lord. They need me.
Anyway, write back soon! Send it to Isengard.
Peace Out,
P.S: Cool name!

Dear Saruman,
Glad you like the name. If you mix up the letters of "Tom Marvolo Riddle" (my old muggle name) you get "I am Lord Voldemort." I came up with that in the good old days when I used to write good dark lord names in the margins of my History of Magic notebook. I actually wanted my name to be "Supreme ruler of all Britain and a few small provinces in Canada," but my name doesn't have enough letters so Voldemort it is.
You have 10,000 orcs?! That's pretty wicked. I have some death eater homies that hang out with me sometimes. Don't you think it sucks that we get the short deal all the time? It wouldn't matter if we had 3 million orcs and 5 million death eaters because we'd still loose. I mean you're up against a - what did you call it? - halfling, and I'm fighting a teenager. It's not like they're actually very difficult to beat. It's just that whole "good must win" rule in the dark lords handbook. I'm thinking of writing an article about it for "Dark Lords Weekly." I'd really like to get that changed. The Guild of Dark Lords is getting really lax. Maybe I'll even run for guild leader next election.
I was wondering if I could have Sauron's address. It would be kind of cool to talk to a supreme dark lord. I'm the only dark lord in my world, but I do have this dribbling servant called Wormtail. He can be a real riot sometimes. Especially when I feed my pet snake Nagini her dinner. I guess he has a problem with seeing rats get eaten.
Write me back soon!
Your New Bud,

Dear "Voldie,"
I was so happy to get your letter! And the owl was really cool, but I think it was a bit tired from the distance. I'm really sorry, but one of my orcs ate the owl. It's okay though 'cos I'm sending this letter with an orc (I made him myself). But I'm really sorry about it anyhow.
I'm sorry, but I can't really give you Sauron's addy. He may be able to read your letters, but he can't write because he's just a really big eyeball. Lidless and wreathed in flames (he always makes me add that part). You can go to www.Imahottie.mor though and visit the Uruk-hai (that's orcs) website. They're still working on it and it's pretty bad because they're illiterate.
You know, you're pretty good with words. I like the name "death eater." It's pretty cool. Have you ever considered writing poetry? Speaking of creativity, do you like my picture? It's a picture I drew of me (I'm the one with the pointy hat) and this really groovy hobbit named Fatty. He wants to be a dark lord too and you can email him at gentlehobbit@theshire.com. We're both smoking pipeweed, which is excellent stuff. I'll send you some Longbottom leaf with the orc.
Did you ssay your dribbling servant is Wormtail? That's really like...mystic ...'cos my dribbling servant's name is Wormtongue. Wow. That's heavy.
Write back.
Peace Out,

Dear Sharkey,
Did you get the latest issue of "Dark Lords Weekly?" I really liked the article about parenthood and being a dark lord. I mean, it's not like I have to worry about it, but it is an underdiscussed topic. How do you balance children and taking over small planets? It's very difficult. You'll have to check it out. It's by D. Vader.
That is really weird about our servants. We'll have to meet sometime. Perhaps for tea and crumpets...or scones. I like scones. Maybe our foes can meet too. Harry and I are pretty close buds now. We're not, like, best friends or anything, but that's his fault. He can't seem to get over the fact that I killed his parents and then went after him. Why can't a guy change, you know? He's just so damn stubborn.
I drew a picture too. Mine is of me and Dumbly. Dumbledore is another wizard, but he is on the side of Good. It's really a shame because he has a lot of break dancing talent. Oh, by the way, I really enjoyed the pipeweed. The orc was rather frightening. He certainly gave the citizens of Little Hangleton a scare! I'll send my letter back with the orc, but please don't send him again. Don't worry about the owl.

P.S: Have your halfling send a letter with yours so I can give it to Harry.

Dear Voldie,
It took me forever to get your last letter. The orc was shaking and kept repeating something about "multi-colored peace signs." It sounds like something your see with pipeweed. I'm afraid the orc will never be the same again...which is good. I'll send my next letter with Fatty.
Do you often go break dancing with Dumbledore? Every now and then I go to the local club over in Gondor. Most of the time they just give me strange looks. But that's just like you and Harry. The people of Gondor give me no credit. I haven't set the orcs on them for, like, three months and they still hate me. Basically, I'm a good guy. That King Aragorn just remembers all the times I tried to kill him and his buddies. But you're right - people change.
Things have been pretty quiet around here lately. A lot of the elves are leaving (good riddance!) and the young ents have taken to getting drunk and egging my citadel. I'm thinking of moving to Mordor, but King Aragorn gave this halfling Samwise Gamgee. Ever since, he's been planting all kinds of flowers. I think he's just trying to get out of the house. He has 13 kids! I hear his wife's a nag too.
I asked Frodo if he wanted to write to Harry and all he said was "My pipeweed!" Then he ran away. And to think I was trying to be nice.
Fatty's in a hurry so write soon.
Peace Out,
P.S: I enclosed a picture.

To be CoNTINUed...
'cos the Dark Lords just can't shut up.