Letters From a Dark Lord

By: Angua27

Kay. I don't have much to say today. I like this part. I wrote it all in a half hour and that makes me very proud. I'm so excited!!! Sorry. I had to do that… you'll understand later. I've been working for almost eight hours today so I'm kind of restless. R/r!

Part 5

Dear Sharkey,

Wow! You're going to start a pub? That's going to be soooo wicked! I can't wat until you're done. I saw your picture. I wouldn't be able to recognize you. As a matter of fact, I think I saw your pic on this Muggle thing called the internet. I'll send a printout to you. It's kind of funny.

My boss graciously gave me two weeks off with pay. Can you believe it!? I bet he's just really impressed with my customer service skills. Why just the other day I used Aveda Kedavra on a man who was yelling at him. He must think really highly of me. I've barely been working here a month! Anyway, I might use my vacation to come visit you. If you're not completely set up by then I can help you out. We'll brainstorm for a name then.

I just joined a dating service. I know I've got a lot going on right now, but it would be nice to be able to sit back and have fun with someone once in a while. Being a Dark Lord can get pretty lonesome. Here's my ad:

Dark Lord Seeks Dark Lady

SWPM seeks SWF 25-100. Likes persecuting muggles, talking to snakes, and long walks in the rain. Must be NS. Awaiting your owl. 9853

So what do you think? I might change it around a bit later. If someone answers maybe I'll bring her with me to your club for a date. Maybe you could set up some romantic lights and play "Endless Love". That would be great.

Well 'tis all for now (isn't "'tis" a cool word?). Write soon!




Dear Voldie,

Thanks soooo much for the floo powder. I got out just in time. You should see what those overgrown toothpicks did to my citadel! The poor thing. They should be glad that citadels don't get up and storm forests that knock their buddies down. I'd like to see that! The worst part is, my citadel never even did anything to them! It was really my fault! Not that I'm complaining they didn't knock me down. They could have torn apart the orcs apart instead though. Yes, that would have been much better.

Okay, so now I'm sitting in my new pub!!! You can't imagine how excited I am!!! It was really hard financing this thing, but Sauron didn't have anything to do with all his cash so he gave me a loan. See, a lot of people still send him donations for his "Help Sauron Overthrow the Pretty- Boy King" fund. He couldn't think of any was to overthrow him after the ring was gone though, so now he just keeps the money. He keeps getting weekly checks from this "Unnamed, but Incredibly Sexy Elven Prince" that say Aragorn isn't hot enough to be king and he's a good-for-nothing bum that doesn't return hair care products when Elbereth knows he didn't even use them in the first place. It's kind of freaky. But anyway, I'm really grateful to old Sauron. He really is a good eye deep down.

I'm sorry I'm babbling, but I'm so excited!!! (I think I mentioned that already.) I guess I should be going. There's so much to do around here!!! This place is a bit of a fixer-upper. Let's just say I have this great view of those famous white towers through my roof. Oh! You must tell me about your date!

Peace Out,



Dear Sharkey,

Wow! The new place sounds so exciting (!!!). There must be so much to do. Unfortunately, I have a lot to do too. I've begun making my first real moves as a re-born Dark Lord. I have to go out about 4 nights a week to kill muggles and show off my dark mark. Fudge is kind of upset because he has to at least pretend he's working now. He says he was getting quite good at free cell too. My boss has been understanding about the whole thing. He says I can work as little as I want to. He's a great guy.

My major trouble is this dude Dumbledore (I think I've mentioned him). He keeps trying to overthrow me with his lame Order of the Cockatoo or whatever he's calling it now. I wish he'd just stick to break-dancing and leave me alone. He's much better at break-dancing anyway. Harry's joined him (in fighting me, not break-dancing) and he's even more annoying. He thinks his mother's love protected him from me when he was a baby (Dumbledore's doing again) when the truth is I was laughing so hard I missed. It happens to the best of us and he was one funny-looking kid.

I've gotten a few answers on my ad. There's one lady, Enid, and I think I'm going to call her. She sounds really cool. She likes knitting and everything! I'll be sure to tell you how it goes.


Volemeister (hee hee!)


So that's it for now. As I was typing this I realized how many demonstrative pronouns I used. My English teacher would kill me, but I'm trying to write in a conversational tone and I don't know if it's working. Do you think I'm using to many "this"'s and "that"s? Please tell me so I know because I'm sure I do it in other stories too.