I sincerely apologize for the ridiculous amount of time is has been since I updated. But writing this chapter put a lot of weight on my shoulders. It is the final moment; the death blow. After this there is only an epilogue. It's been a little over a year that I've been writing this story. How strange to fathom such a thing. I really do hope that you all read this, maybe shed a tear or two like I did as I toiled over the last scene. I will update soon my loves! R&R
Disclaimer: Phin and Ferb and Two Headed Boy Pt 2 by Neutral Milk Hotel aren't mind. On that note this song isn't exactly rock n' roll. I recommend that you listen to it while you read the last scene. It's the last song on the bands first album and it's so incredibly perfect and heart breaking!
Daddy please, hear this song that I sing.
In your heart there's a spark that just screams,
For a lover to bring a child to your chest,
That could lay as you sleep and love all you have left,
Like your boy used to be, long ago,
Wrapped in sheets warm and wet.
Blister please, with those wings in your spine.
Love to be with a brother of mine.
How he'd love to find your tongue in his teeth,
In a struggle to find secret songs that you keep,
Wrapped in boxes so tight, sounding only at night as you sleep.
And in my dreams you're alive and you're crying,
As your mouth moves in mine, soft and sweet.
Rings of flowers round your eyes and I love you,
For the rest of your life (when you're ready).
February 1st 2010: The Beginning of the End of All That Ever Was
When Mason told us Mr. Paul Sedgwick was coming to see us personally he was greeted with silence. Ferb and I sat at opposite ends of the couch with Buford in the middle. The drummer served as a physical representation of the wall now coolly built up between the two of us. I couldn't get over how horribly tragic this was all turning out to be. In the span of two months I'd had and lost my cosmic-lover. After that beautiful, heart-ripping conversation on Ferb's birthday we'd stopped talking altogether—it was too painful, at least that was my excuse. I didn't know what he thought; my mind tried and tried to figure out why ever he'd done what he'd done, but the thought always came out as blank as it went in.
"He's coming over at about half past and I want all o' you to be presentable right." Mason sunk his beady glare into Ferb, who sat slumped; donning Corpse-Paint and a floor length trench coat that only accentuated his thinness. "Somebody splash some bloody water on his face, he can't pass out in a heroin fucking coma when Mr. Sedgwick gets here! The boss has some exciting news for ya's!"
Baljeet hoisted Ferb up as if the singer were a cancer patient; that smug smirk on his mouth as he did so. I watched longingly as Jeet led Ferb to the bathroom to clean him up; Jeet so full of contempt and jealousy. If it'd been me I'd have softly dabbled water about his mouth and stared into his eyes until he came back to whatever state of reality he lived in.
"What type of news?" I could barely fathom how dry and lackluster my question was; Ferb's death proclamation had finished me off. I lifted a limp wrist; coated in a rich purple Mr. Roger's sweater, dropped it. Movement held no pleasure anymore. I'd have gladly melded into the couch I slumped so helplessly on.
"I'm not gonna ruin that Phinny!" Mason had a look on his face; one that said he took great, sadistic joy in my obvious fading. There came a knock at the door. "Oh fuck! That's got to be him…he's fucking early." The manager cast an uneasy side-glance at the washroom, no doubt praying that Ferb wasn't overdosing when our boss came in.
Buford blundered to unlock the door, as he opened it he stretched his broad back and put a straight-lipped expression on his face. "Good day Mr. Sedgwick"
"Good to see you Buford" The man—surprisingly bigger than our drummer in stature—patted his shoulder and walked in. He looked very stately in black suit and tie, his dark brown beard wild as ever. "Is everyone here?" As if on cue Jeet carted Ferb back to the couch, which he immediately fell into. I imagined what we looked like through Sedgwick's professional eye; a band that was dying. A bassist who'd given up everything for what had turned out to be nothing, a singer with a suicide wish (Oh what else is new?), an angry and twisted rhythm guitarist and a burly drummer—the most stable of us all. I watched Paul's eyes scan us distastefully, worriedly. "Hello Highlighters, how is everyone enjoying their fame?"
I glanced at the carpet awkwardly. When nobody answered Mason quipped "They're lovin' it Mr. Sedgwick, don't you worry."
"I'm sure Mr. Donnelley has told you boys I have news for you!" We all nodded slowly—excluding Ferb, he just stared into the abyss. The manager pressed his beefy palms together. "I've booked you your second American tour! Your flight leaves tomorrow night at precisely" He checked his Rolex nonsensically "Six o'clock. You'll be playing the Madison Square Garden on the 10th!"
"That's great" Baljeet smiled falsely "Right guys?" I set my eyes on him and I could tell he knew how much of a lie we were. The Highlighters were about as united as oil on water. Ferb didn't say a word; every band needs a Syd Barrett I thought, shuddering. How had a boy been torn this far? Five years ago he'd been an ecstatic king of the universe; now paint dried on his irises, coated them in psychedelic cataracts.
Paul was warm "And how are you Ferb, how does it feel to be the voice of a generation-like so many wish they could be?"
Buford prodded the singer, his optics twitched towards Mr. Sedgwick. Jeet had done a poor job of removing the makeup; obsidian still smeared all over. "I haven't always been this way" He spoke no more, only looked deeply into something that just wasn't there. I started to cry; despite the obvious reasoning I got filthy glares from the others.
"Can I talk to you out in the hallway?" Mason brought Paul outside. We listened to muffled voices; raised, resonating, questioning. Donnelley came back in alone. As soon as he did he began a quick and threatening walk to Ferb "You little fuck" He seized the collar of the emerald Prince's trench coat, lifted him a foot off of the sofa. "If you don't perform like a fucking wind-up toy on the tour you've really fucked yourself!"
"Leave him alone!" I screamed, seizing Mason's more muscled arms and pitching them away. Before he could total me Baljeet chided him into not doing so; I didn't thank him. I'd have taken a physical beating over my soul mate's eminent death any day.
February 10th 2010; Loss
Aside from Canada, New York was one of the only places I'd ever seen snow in. It dusted the rooftops and every nook and cranny as cocaine, no laugh left my mouth at the thought; it reminded me of how absurdly funny Ferb would once have found such a thing. I'd heard him speak so little…his one-liners were countable on my fingers. He'd fallen off the deep end. He was gone. There was fucking nothing I could do to help him. Torture, agony; every night I writhed in bed beside Baljeet and wept. The Indian embraced me; blanket of autumn skinned ice. I despised him, but somehow he was mature enough—in that one respect—to bite his tongue and care for me nonetheless.
Ferb received no sympathy from anybody: he would've blatantly refused it if he'd gotten it. I'd tried so hard to get through to him and to see beneath the image, rather than add coat after coat of plastic like everybody else. No. It had all been so incredibly futile; nearly twenty five years of practically being bound at the hip with another…and it had all been for nothing.
"Do you think Ferb's up yet?" I leaned over Jeet's newly awakened form, knowing full well how much he'd hate my question.
"I don't know, do I Phin" He rolled his brown-green eyes, scratched at his dirty tresses. "We're all on this floor of the Chelsea, might as well have a search if you really want to."
I rocketed myself from the bed, showered and threw on clingy old jeans and a worn Polo. I left my hair to hang in its' natural auburn waves against my face, neck, down to my shoulders. Where would I go if I were Ferb? My mind was a blank; how could I put myself in the shoes of the most unpredictable creature on the planet? It was like trying to get into the brain of a nervous doe. I rapped on several different doors; three turned out to be totally random people while the remaining ones had contained Buford, Isabella and Mason. Still no Ferb, I hadn't even any idea which room he'd boarded in. Had he slept? I stood pensively at the reception desk for awhile before a secretary addressed me.
"How can I help you Sir?" She had drawn on eyebrows and a blonde dye-job.
"Uhm…I was just wondering if you've seen my friend walking about. He's 6'1, very skinny…green hair." I felt stupid even asking the wench.
The girl looked perplexed for a few moments; I groveled silently and wondered how you could miss somebody as darkly flamboyant as Ferb. "Debbie?" She yelled, turning her chin back "Did you see a tall skinny guy with green hair pass by?" There was a whole lot of mumbling before she turned back and smiled tightly "My co-worker Debbie said she saw a boy who fits that description going towards the pool. If you keep going down this hallway it's on your left. You can't miss it." I gave her a nod and proceeded.
The area was haloed in the scaly aquamarine reflections of the pool. At such an early hour nobody resided by the tiled shores. "Ferb?" I called; my sneakers padded loudly against the floor. "Ferb?" I saw him before he decided to reply; naked, floating on his back in the deep end. His jade locks appeared forest green in the water; they framed his sickly face as Ophelia. His eyelids were closed and smeared with the remains of dark paint. At first glance I thought that the pallor of his skin was due to white powder, but with a more calculating stare I noticed his entire body had taken on an alarming snow white tone. "Ferb."
The dramatic eyelashes flapped until two piercing globes were burning into my own-less dangerous-visage. "I love the Queen, what a merry old bitch!"
I frowned, although at that point non-sequesters were the normal. "Are you feeling okay?" I rolled up the legs of my denim's and dropped my freckled limbs into the semi-cool water. Ferb didn't answer; I caught the sharp glare of tears filling his eyes. "…Are you feeling okay?" I was on a loop. "Are you feeling okay?"
He suddenly thrashed to the edge of the pool and climbed out. Without a reply he started tossing richly adorned chairs, emblazoned towels and hordes of other things into the water. A broken chair-back served as a knife when he decided to slash his stomach open. I hurried away from the pool-side and wrestled the metal from his meatless hands. For such a thin, unhealthy person Ferb was still surprisingly strong. More will than actual body power. "I DON'T WANT THIS" He shrieked, trying in vain to seize the hunk of chair. "I-I don't want this." He stumbled towards the water and collapsed face first into it. Blood spread out about his rake-like person, changing the liquid from crystal to a strange diluted red.
I jumped in and dragged Ferb's limpness onto one of the few white towels he'd neglected to toss. "Hey" I gently pushed one hollow cheek to the right; he didn't care. "Hey, we have a show in a few hours. Don't you think this is a bad way to start the day?"
"The day" Ferb glowered "I haven't slept for 72 hours. I don't know the difference between day or night or dawn or dusk, it's all so grey." His voice warbled and cracked; he looked sleep deprived. Aside from the black makeup his dark circles were enormous. "There is only one long and never ending tirade of grey."
"Do you think a hit will help you sleep? There's still awhile until we need to go to sound check." I tried to smile; faltered. "I've got some China White"
"It might; I've been doing Acid for the past month." With this admittance he seemed ashamed. I lifted his chin and bid him follow.
He shot up enough heroin that he passed out; head rested on my lap and eyelids jumping in dream. I'd taken just the right amount, lolling my head against the wall and stroking Ferb's dirty hair. Having contact with him was a waking dream for me; I lusted for no sleep except for this one. What room were we in? Ferb's…I'd forgot he'd led us here. The light fixtures were slammed to pieces; mattress torn apart. The previous night he must've lost all control in an insomnia induced freak out. I shivered; how could he look so suddenly peaceful and childlike? It was an eternity and yet a split second when Baljeet stumbled upon us nodding about.
He yanked me from my opiate bath water with a scowl "Sound check is right now. Mason has a limo parked outside. Get up." Before I could move he hooked my arm and pulled me to a stand; Ferb's head fell back. I shook him gently; knowing full well that while I stayed sane I wasn't going to let Jeet rough him.
The starry eyes popped; he smiled sweetly. One of the last smiles he'd ever give. "Evening Phin, Jeet." Ferb woke from the nod and seemed perfectly…normal. This at that time was the most abnormal thing I'd had yet to see.
Ferb did the opposite of what I expected. He walked onto the stage with every bit of gusto he'd had way back in 2006. He played his telecaster and sang his songs with every fiber of his being. Ferb Fletcher put on one hell of a show; the rest of us-once again-were just on the ride. Despite my happiness at his comeback I was aware it was false; there was a strange undertone to his performance. A finality.
Dusk, February 10th 2010; The Tragedy Climaxes
"I'm going to do it with a gun, for vanity's sake." The lightless chamber of his hotel room cast a dead light on him; it wasn't far from the truth. "I'm so tired of all this."
"We can escape. Think Ferb, there are alternatives. We can go buy a mansion in Sweden and live out the rest of our days in obscurity; we have the means, the right."
Ferb shook his mane sadly "Do you not see Phineas? I could never go back to that dream world. Once upon a time I belonged to this dirty air and sweaty cluster. But now I just watch, wait and watch. But for what? For death? For some sweet release? I walk about blindly; you're the only thing I can perceive as real. But I cannot lay that burden on your shoulders. I can never go back."
"What burden Ferb?" I cried, taking his slender hands and planting kisses upon every fingertip. "You're a gift."
"That's all I've ever been to anyone. Something to worship. I've always seen you in the same light as myself. Only we're not. I'm not even in the bloody light."
"I'll be your light" I pled, tears marring my horrendously freckled cheeks.
"You are Phin" He smiles gently; come to terms with oblivion. "There's no sun brighter." The settling dusk filtered in through the large patio doors; setting Ferb's eyes afire, painting his sickly skin golden. I hadn't observed him looking so alive in centuries. It was all so exaggeratedly bright and bare and genuine. "Somehow I always thought that stardom would make me feel normal. It hasn't though...I'm broken without repair. It's...it's too big Phineas. This image that has always been made out for me. I was a prodigy in childhood, and now I'm expected to hold up the flame of a generation? I've always felt so melancholy."
"All I ever tried to do was make you happy." I was sobbing, staring right into his juicy red heart. Ferb's wistful smile fled and before I knew it he'd palmed my chin and started kissing me. I buried my hands in his hair, latching on for dear life; afraid he'd disappear like I knew he would. "I don't know what to do with…this thing that tears me up inside."
Ferb's lips pull into an agonized expression. "Neither do I. But in my heart I do. Your kisses are the one thing that overshadow the terrible truth of the world. You can't always kiss me Phin, you have so much to do. I want The Highlighters to be yours. You always were the charismatic one; with me gone all that will come back." I could see him trying to convince himself.
"You don't really believe that." I stated, hiccupping and wiping my nose on the sleeve of the woolen sweatshirt I'd borrowed off him. Instead of answering Ferb pressed his open mouth into mine and we rolled about the bed; our hands found all the right places. We arced against eachother in that unmistakable way; he murmured sweet nothings into my tongue. Naked. "Please" I panted, feeling so horrifically in love.
"Please" He whispered right back. Our limbs intertwined; I was all twisted up in the twisted grief over Ferb that consumed me always, the healing joy of him that was more addictive than any drug. I shot cum onto a silk covered pillow. I ground myself into Ferb; wanting him to release all the pent up...everything. He came; kissing and biting my back. We sat back; he glowed falsely. And then I knew...I knew that somewhere deep down between the shadow and his soul he loved me.
"I never want you to leave Ferb, you understand that. Don't you?"
The irises darkened, penetrating my aortas. "You have to understand something yourself Phinny; I want you to lead our band to the annals of forever, I want you to go home. But I can never follow you there."
"I won't shine if you won't shine." My teeth chattered with sudden chill. "You can't go without me."
"Get me a fix won't you?" Ferb glanced at the floorboards, gnawing his plump lower lip. He looked every inch the wreck he was. I held his heroin box in my hands for a long while. Finally I took the deep silver spoon and large baggie of china white out. He planned to shoot himself; I wouldn't allow such a beautiful soul to be marred. His usual dose was 500 milligrams. I contemplated; making sure not to hesitate too long and melted down 1000. This isn't how it should end, my brain screamed; I chose my heart.
"All ready" Even as I spoke fresh tears drenched my face.
"Put it in my neck" I'd done it for him before; every time I jammed the needle point into that delicate throat my chest squeezed. I didn't stop to think. Slowly I draped his leather belt around his trachea; pulled tight. I slipped the syringe in and released the amber liquid. That was it. "Thanks Phin."
I propped him up on the bed and began to wail. "I'm ready to die too Ferb. If you are I am."
"I want you to-to go on" Already his breathing was incredibly shallow. "I know you can beat this thing Phineas." He opened and closed his mouth; fish out of water.
"Ferb" I cradled his elfish cheeks. "Like Keats' said in that poem you showed me an age ago; You are my morning and evening star." My words flowed out frantically. "I've admired you since I first set eyes on you. And I know nobody believes in soul mates or love at first sight, only I do. Because you've always been everything to me. The whole while I was with Isabella it was to cope with my confusion. I'm not gay, I'm not straight. I've just always been in love with you." His skin started to change; from ivory it became blue. He was suffocating; the pupils were but pen pricks in a sea of emerald. "I love you Ferb. I tried to give you the universe; I devoted my entire being into...into you. I want you to know that I'm coming too, I promise. That way we can live endlessly in the darkness you dream of. I love you Ferb."
There was disorientation in his facial features; then as his skin darkened another hue a realization. A calmness flooded him. "I love you too Phineas."
And then he was gone.
The terror set in. I'd just murdered Ferb Fletcher. I wasn't scared of getting caught I was scared of being alone. The one person in the solar system who'd never failed me in the end was finished. I couldn't watch his body spasm any longer and ran to my own room. What had I done? I locked my door and then collapsed in tremors, wails. Was I ready to die? The thought of nothingness made me sick. Only there was no going back; like Ferb had said only-minutes ago. I'd promised hadn't I? My mind snapped. How could somebody once so vibrant and passionate and kind and crazed and inhumanly beautiful be…dead. I was hit with wave after wave of irrevocable pain.
The even star of my universe was gone.
Brother see, we are one in the same.
And you left with your head filled with flames,
And you watched as your brains fell out through your teeth.
Push the pieces in place.
Make your smile sweet to see.
Don't you take this away.
I'm still wanting my face on your cheek.
And when we break we'll wait for our miracle.
God is a place where some holy spectacle lies.
And when we break we'll wait for our miracle.
God is a place you will wait for the rest of your life.
Two-headed boy, she is all you could need.
She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires,
And retire to sheets safe and clean,
But don't hate her when she gets up to leave.
"My enemies referred the insanity to the drink rather than the drink to the insanity...it was the horrible never-ending oscillation between hope and despair which I could not longer have endured without total loss of reason. In the death of what was my life, then, I receive a new but-oh God! How melancholy an existence."-Edgar Allan Poe