What I should've said...

AU drabble for Sympathy for the Devil.

Sam reflects with regret.

A/N: I finally got to see the first episode of Season 5! Woohoo!

And this is the result... hmm....

It's not too positive from Sam's POV, I'm afraid.

"What can I do...?"

"You chose a demon over your own brother..."

"I just don't think I can trust you..."

It all runs through Sam's head, and he realizes that even as he was asking what can I do? It surely is the most stupid questions he's ever asked.

And Sam had asked a lot of questions of his big brother over the years, up to and including where do babies come from?

Yeah, Sam asked his brother, not his father.

He'd asked Dean for advice about... girls. Even at that stage where all little boys think girls are yukky.

He'd asked Dean about kissing, suffered the humiliation of practicing the art on his own hand in front of the mirror, with his big brother watching critically, and offering tongue tips.

He'd asked Dean about their mother, and eventually got an answer, which was more than he'd gotten from their father.

Yeah.

He knows what he should've said.

Not asked.

Said.

He knows...

I'll do anything to go some way to make it right with you.

I'll do anything to make it up to you.

No matter what it takes.

Even if it means my own life.

And Sam isn't so stupid to believe that Dean would be happy about it, in spite of everything. His brother still loves him, Sam is sure, but it's true nonetheless.

If only he'd just said it. It might have made a difference.

Because the one thing Sam is good at?

Vengeance on anyone who hurts his big brother.

And this time, it's vengeance on himself.

And that seems, to Sam, the only way to prove his loyalty and love.

And fitting.

For what he's done, Sam knows he's damned, probably to the darkest, most torturous depths of hell.

He's accepted it.

Even if it means my own life.

But he knows he just can't tell Dean.

So... it's what he should've said. But maybe he's glad he hasn't.

'Cos Sam will if he has to.

Dean just doesn't need to know about it.

Because if he does, it might just kill him... again.

A/N:

Ok. Bullshit of this fic aside, I have some questions...

I have a problem with S5 already... but it extends back to the previous season.

Did anyone else notice there might have been some demon-angel collaboration at the end of Season 4?

If Zach screwed with Dean's last voicemail message to Sam, why was Ruby smirking about it right before Sam 'iced' Lilith? It looked, to me, like she knew all about it.

Or am I just being thick, and S5 will reveal all?

Go back and take another look if you aren't sure.

Please don't give me spoilers, just tell me, one way or the other, if what you've seen so far explains it and I'll be content with that.

Cheers my darlings,

ST xxx