Neil ambled across the gritty kitchen floor in the dusty morning light , when he became aware all of a sudden his feet felt awfully squishy
"Oh...wow...I bet I've trod something horrible...like Bannaramas latest single" he muttered to himself as he lifted his foot up to examine it , but on the base of his foot was not the human remains of a group of 80's girls band but simply a dollop of tomatoe ketchup.
Neil wrinkled his nose " Oh ...Vyvian.. I bet he left this here when he had his cornflakes and ketchup...thanks for clearing it up Vyvian...Oh wait you didn't yeah...you just left it..so Like ..my foots all ketchupy....great...thanks yeah...."
he said to no one in particular apart from SPG who had just scrabbled across the floor to inspect the ketchup before glancing up at Neil's sodden foot " ..whats TOMATOE with ya". he cackled in his glasweigan heavy hamster dialect.
Neil put his foot back on the floor with a squelch and carried on walking towards the kitchen cuboards " that's not funny SPG.." he mumbled as he reached out and wrapped his hand on the kitchen cupboard knob and tugged it , causing the entire door to break of its hinges and fall onto the counter sending wooden shards of it onto the floor.
Neil stared at it for a few seconds before groaning and feeling his shoulders slump " I bet..I just bet I step on one of those and it gives me splinters , and it will bleed and Like i wont even know about it because of the ketchup on my foot is the same colour as blood and then I wont go to hosptial because I wont like even know . So I will just bleed to death and then I'll be dead" .
"Hurry up and die you little gurrrllllllll or gimme ma breakfassst dunt care which just shut up aboot it " snapped SPG hopping onto the counter , Neil shoved the broken door into the bin and dusted himself off .
"I''d like to punch you but Id lose my PETA membership......right ok breakfast , may as well get my strength up .. " , Neil put his hand out to the rusty bread bin which Vyvian had scribbled a picture of a nob on and pulled it up to reveal a single solitary fresh piece of
crusty granary loaf , Neil reached out for it and held it in his hands in awe , like some sort of wheaty saint.
" Oh wow only one slice left and its me that get its for once , I must be on some good vibes or something " . But his speech became cut off by the minature chatterings of the hungry hamster next to him " OCH whit aboot me ya sod".
Neil craned his neck and pushed the flow of hair that had fallen over his eyes back with his finger tips and glanced over at him "Oh im sorry SPG do you want some ? ."
But SPG turned his nose up and laughed back at him with a shrill shout " Hamster's dunt eat breeeeeeda ya stoopid hippy" . Neil frowned at him but knew better to respond back , it's not like anyone listened to him anyway ,"I may as well have been a Leonard Cohen record" he thought to himself .
Neil pulled out a sack of grey pellets from the doorless cuboard and plonked them down on the counter , "do you want some hamster grub then?" he asked as he untaggled the fastening catch on top "No thanks " replied SPG .
"Why not? " said Neil as he stopped to smell the hamster food , it reminded him of that really really heavy stuff Dusty Dudley had sold him last week down at the Kebab and Calculator ,in fact it was almost replica to it , but as Neil was trying to figure out the connection his thoughts were once again abruptly shattered by the roving rodent
"Well ..IM STUFFED int I !!!!" .
Neil gave another groan , SPG made terrible jokes , he was best left ignored it was too early for an arguement but not too early to miss Scooby Doo " Wow...if i hurry I can eat my breakfast and watch scooby doo at the same time far out , I can't wait to see who it is thats haunting the school" remarked Neil .
He put the bread in the toaster and pressed the switch down till it settled into position and the grills changed from dull silver to a volcanic glow , and then began to wait.
But he quickly grew tired of waiting and muttered to himself
"you know what they say , what's that saying...a watched toaster never boils..it's true... so like maybe if I look away it will do it , it must be just shy or something ok I'll do some washing up in the mean time... not like anyone else is going to do it..EVER"
With a sigh he plodded heavily back across the grit encrusted kitchen floor , "What is this stuff , I only hoovered yesterday...crumbs? soot? the burnt remains of 1000 lentil suppers..?"
In the end it didn't matter he knew he would have to clean it back up whatever it was , he carried on towards the sink stepping in another pile of ketchup on the way.
Upon reaching the sink he picked up a dirty plate and began to scrub away at it with a nearby sponge .
"Im not looking at you toaster..im not looking ..im not interested in having any toast today so theres no point of me checking to see if you have toasted the bread yet ....I really dont want any toast today ...." .
As Neil whistled aimlessley to himself as he continued to scrub away at the dishes , he was un aware a new figure had entered the kitchen .
Mike " The Cool " Person had strolled in wearing his dressing gown with a newspaper he had just collected off the Mat , he glanced around the kitchen and noticed the toast had just sprung up , cooler than a penguins bottom in a freezer he slid over and picked it out , picking out a plate from the doorless kitchen cupboard " I 've seen some strange things in my time , and also some things that have been strange but this is a whole new flavour of opal fruit " he remarked to SPG .
SPG just nodded as he did not quite understand what it was Mike was actually saying , but nobody argued with Mike he was the boss of the household .
Mike pulled out some jam spread it on , " Not too thick and not too thin , but quite thick and quite thin at the same time , that's how I like it" , Mike screwed the lid back on and placed the jar into the cupboard picked up his newspaper and scanned the headline " Pope S**** in the wood , Bear address's Vatican........ hmm Now that's quite the twist around..." .
Mike tucked the paper back under his arm and strolled out just as Neil had turned around from the sink.
"I bet it's done now , I bet I managed to trick the toaster " with an elated feeling of only mild depression as opposed to his normal manic Neil approached the toaster and peered inside only to see the remains of a few crumbs, Neil poked his finger's in just to make sure it was not invisible .
After finding it was not he looked around him trying to see who could have taken it.
",,,tut typical the last piece of toast in the house and I thought I was going to get it .. but it gets vapourised I really should have expected that one,,,tut".
Neil shrugged and reached into the cupboard again " it's actually quite a time saver not having this door , I must save at least like 3 seconds not opening it,,and with all those 3 seconds....well over a year it will probably become like 15 minutes and 27 seconds or something like that.. and I can use it to better myself and the world.......or probably just fix a new door on in the time saved of not having it..because the guys will make me... I hate them....."
He felt about and found a packet of cornflakes and pulled it out ,"only 2 years out of date...result.." , feeling once again elated to only mild depression he strode back to the table stepping in ketchup a third time and pulled back the deck chair that had been aquired for reasons unknown in the kitchen and tipped the box side ways jostling it to encourage the corn flakes out , but only a small lumpy plastic figurine popped out .
"Oh what..........oh yeah .. yeah brilliant..no one leave any cereal for Neil , yeah that's really good like .. thanks..alot...."
He slumped his head into the bowl and mumbled " Im actually being sarcastic you know..I dont really think this is good at all....but sarcasm is the lowest
form of humor and well im feeling really low right now. "
He then noticed again the little boglin in the bowl and fished it out gripping it between his thumb and forefinger , it glared up at angrily , but Neil jumped up on to his feet , and began wavering it around in the air shouting "...OH WOW..amazing..its like a little plastic monster man ..oh yeah far out
you can be my little friend that no one knows about , I'll ignore the fact you were made in China by migrants for like 1 grain of rice a day
and you can be my listening buddy and I can talk to you when Im on a downer.... so i hope you like listening because ive never not been on one and....".
Neil became aware of a door creaking open and quickly whipped his new found treasure behind his back and tried to arrange his position to a less nervous guilty look , and Micheal once again strolled in and stared and Neil with a steely gaze , well what Neil thought was a steely gaze it's impossible to tell with the sun glasses.
Neil combed the hair out of his eyes and stuttered out to Mike who looked as if he was awaiting a response " morning Michael ".
Mike stared back and looked around , He knew something was being hidden from him and he wasn't happy about it ..eventually his gaze fell back to Neil and he looked up at him
"Not if your John Lennon it isnt" .
"Oh.." replied Neil frowning confused at what Micheal was actually meaning, "No he was married to Yoko Ono.....and now he is dead..."
Mike then went silent and put his hands into his pockets , Neil shuffled uncomfortably and scratched at his head "Right ok but as your not John Lennon , you can have a good morning ..right?", there was another silence before Mike's head snapped back around to face Neil raising an eyebrow " ...well that depends Neil...."
"Depends? depends on what Micheal?" said Neil feeling the sweat of his hands run down onto his finger tips and around the boglin , he didn't want anyone else to have it or know about it.
Mike broke his trail of thought as he spoke out "whether today is the day I complete my My Monster in my pocket ....and Im not talking about the one here"
he said pointing down to his nether regions "...collection" .
"Your monster in my pocket collection...oh right....?...what" Neil mumbled confused as Mike strolled towards the cornflakes and tipped the packet up side down but only some cornflakes dust scattered out to the floor , cornflake dust I'll have to clean up...thought Neil sadly , but not as sad as Mike who stood looking down at the floor shaking his head slowly "Now I know how all those woman who dont get to sleep with me feel.......disapointed".
Mike placed the box down on the table , and sighed...before glancing up coldy at Neil "you havent seen who took the free toy from the cereal have you??" , Neil fumbled with the monster behind his back and placed it into his trouser pocket where it sunk heavily both on his mind and towards his bottom .."umm.." . Mike took a step forward towards him
"Neil?,,,Have you...?" , Neil closed his eyes and gulped down feeling sweat dripping onto his nose "I uhh...Uhhh...ohhh ..no? ".
Mike stayed silent before spinning on the balls of his heels and with a shrug calmly walked towards the door "....welll....never mind ..I can complete it another day..oh if Dusty Dudley comes by looking for me ..tell him its at the ten four red door but dont tell him i told you to tell him otherwise he might get confused..".
Neil scratched his head trying to remember what he just been told "Six Four purple door ..Right ok.."
and just as he spoke that the kitchen door clicked shut as Mike had left and just as he spoke that the kitchen door clicked shut as Mike had left , almost instantly Neil pulled out the monster man with one hand and began tugging at his hair with the other
"Oh no ive lied to mike i should have given you to him but i havent and I lied...why did you make me lie..your bad news you are realy bad news....
I hate you ! OH NO wait thats some real bad Karma....ive lied and im hating....err err errr look im really sorry i dont hate you but like im gonna have to give you to Mike
its the only way I can balance the Karma".
Neil nodded to himself and clutched the monster tightly in his palm feeling its little plasticy claws scraping against the palm of his hand , he strode quickly with a degree of determination across the gritty kitchen floor , pausing only to look down at his feet when he stepped into the ketchup pile for the 4th time that morning.