AN: FYI – I finally got around to updating Burnt Marshmallows. So, check it out if you are so inclined. I am supplying reviewers with a little something from next chapter in that reply to tie you over until next chapter.
Thanks to Racejunkie for pimping this story on JaspersDarlin's Facebook page. If you have the hots for Jasper, like I do, go and check out the JaspersDarlin's blogspot or Facebook page.
I got all bought up on the FGB auction, so updates might be slightly infrequent in the next month until I can satisfy those obligations.
My lovely beta is on vacation – so, don't be pointing out all my mistakes. She'll get to them when she gets back.
Disclaimer – I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.
Chapter 3 - Decisions (JPOV)
"Don't worry, I can do these later."
"I want to help. Please." Garrett insists.
He sets the pile of dirty dishes on the counter, as I relent, and fill one side of the sink with soapy water. I start to reach into the cabinet underneath the sink, but change my mind. Normally, I use kitchen gloves to wash the dishes, since it was commonplace to find the camera's zooming in on my hands during filming, but since that doesn't really matter anymore, and I don't want to seem like a sissy wimp, I forgo the gloves.
It is freeing actually, letting go of some of the limitations imparted on me due to my past employment. As the restrictions lift, it becomes a reality that I have left that part of me behind me for good.
Apparently, however, this particular transition is a little more complicated than I thought, and it is going to take some getting used to, because the freedom of abandoning the latex loses its luster as soon as I bring the first dish under the scalding water. I scrub the dirty plate, and the feeling of my hands in, and on the mushy leftovers make my face curl up in disgust. Evidently, I don't like to touch food that's been left for the garbage disposal.
Garrett notices my discomfort, and his hand automatically reaches for the faucet. "The water too hot?"
"No…I usually wear gloves." I admit, sullenly, as I look at my hands that already look like they have second degree burns on them from the temperature of the water. I visualize my hands a couple of months down the road; hands that are rough, calloused and wrinkled. My imagination overflows, and takes it a step further, by adding warts and age spots for the perfect effect. I smother the whimper in my throat, but can't prevent the shiver that runs uncontrollably down my spine.
Who am I kidding? I am a sissy wimp.
"Then why aren't you wearing them now?" Garrett inquires, hiding a smile behind his lush, shapely lips. His eyes are light and playful.
I just shrug. I turn my head to the side, attempting to hide my shame. What guy really wears gloves to wash dishes? Gay or not?
"Don't be embarrassed." Garrett grasps my wet hand, turns it over, and presses his lips to the inside of my wrist. "I happen to like soft hands." I feel the heated breath of his whispered utterance on my kissed skin, while his eyes search mine. He moves closer to me, and I automatically turn my body into his. "And I like soft lips." Each word brings his mouth closer. By the time he murmurs the last word his lips are on mine…and it feels in-fucking-credible.
We are both hesitant, our hands hover…itching with the desire to touch, but we don't dare, and minimal pressure is applied, as our lips move over one another's. It isn't a chaste kiss, the opposite, in fact. It's purely erotic. Our mouths barely touch, as our lips open and close over each other, dancing together, as breaths mingle.
Garrett finally decides he needs more contact because he snatches my hips in a firm grip, and backs me into the counter. His hands move from my waist to find purchase on the ceramic surface behind me, caging me in. "Dammit Jasper." He declares, as his tongue licks the seam of my lips, demanding to be let in. I surrender without hesitation and his tongue plunges, meeting mine in a passionate, tongue-twisting kiss. Our tongues greet each other, and then move around to explore the new terrain. My hands cup both sides of his neck, and my thumbs brush back and forth along his jaw, as our kiss deepens.
We are almost perfectly aligned, so our erections make contact, and that's all it takes…the dam of desire is broken wide open. He pushes my ass into the counter, as his hips make slow circles over mine, pressing firmly at the end of each rotation.
God, he's so fucking hard. I can feel the size and shape of his cock, and my mouth waters.
Exquisite torture, it what it is – because I know I should stop him…because I will stop him, but I just want one more minute, another kiss, maybe two more swirls…and then maybe, just maybe I can stop.
I have to. I need to tell him about my previous employment first…about Edward.
I rip my lips away. "Fuck." My breathless oath awakens Garrett from his lustful haze.
His breathing is rapid. His toned chest rises and falls with each labored breath. His blue/green eyes are darker and more intense. "What?" He whispers, feverishly. His eyes plead for a quick resolution to whatever is bothering me, so we can quickly get back to what we've started here.
"I have to tell you something first."
I don't know how to start. Should I just blurt it out? I watch him, as I try to come up with the right words. I can see the confusion, and then something that looks alot like understanding.
"I know who you are." He says, quietly. His head is down, but his sharp azure eyes peek up through his lashes.
"Great." I huff. I push him away, and try to leave the kitchen, but his hands grab my shoulders. He twists me around, and shoves me against the wall lightly. He's in my face, and I refuse to meet his gaze, staring at anything and everything except him.
"Jasper, stop!" He says sternly. He grips my biceps and shakes me softly. "Yes, I am a single gay man that stopped looking for hook-up's years ago. So, yeah…I know a thing or two about porn. I can't apologize for that. But I can tell you that I did not know who you were when I approached you. It wasn't until you finished soaking your hair and stood up straight that I recognized you."
"If you're not into hook-ups what are you doing here?" I hiss, mad at him for no apparent reason. "We did just meet today, and we're already...you know." I say, waving my hand in the direction of where we were making out just a moment ago; when we had our tongues down each other's throats…
And our hands were…
And our dicks were…
Oh Jesus fuck…
I groan in frustration, and my hands come up to my face, scrubbing roughly.
He flinches at my tone. "If I was looking for a one-night stand I wouldn't be looking for it two doors down. Give me some fucking credit. I just wanted to introduce myself, but after a great day together I was thinking there could be something here…some real potential."
The use of the word "was" isn't lost on me.
I sigh, feeling like a complete fool. Is it too late to suggest we just go back to kissing and forget this conversation happened?
"Dammit, I am sorry for lashing out at you, I-I haven't had a whole lot of success with guys who recognize me."
"Listen, that isn't the reason I am here. I don't care about Jasper Whitlock, porn star. Sure, I want to get to know this part of you." He grabs my crotch through my denim, and massages my semi-erection, earning a moan from me. "But I want to get to know this Jasper." He places the hand that was massaging my dick over my heart. "And I want to get to know this Jasper." He says quietly, as he knocks my forehead with his knuckles lightly. "We can take this slow Jasper. I can wait for this." His hand brushes my fly again. "Just don't shut me out because I know who you are."
He stares into my eyes with a hopeful expression, and I just want to hug him, but if he is going to get involved with me, in any capacity, I have to tell him everything. I take his hands and direct him over to the sofa. "Well, I have to tell you the rest."
So, I went into the whole story of how I was retiring but met Edward on my last gig, leaving him in Vegas and coming home with Emmett, my uncomfortable and unfortunate relationship with him, going back to Jamaica, finding Edward again, and then our little agreement, including seeing other people in the meantime.
When I finish, the room is filled with silence. It's not awkward, but I really wish he would say something.
Garrett looks thoughtful, but he turns his head to the side and stares at me for a moment. "So, pretty much I have three months to convince you to stay." He summarizes.
I can't stop the frown that I feel forming on my face, and I tell him honestly, "if there is any way that Edward and I can come up with a compromise, there will be no way you can get me to stay." I grab his hands and squeeze them tightly. "I really like you already, and that is why I want to be truthful with you." I look down at our joined hands. "I am falling for him hard."
"But it sounds like you guys are moving in different directions, and if he likes what he is doing now...there will be no compromise?" He asks the last part as a question.
"I don't think it's possible. Regardless, I will be visiting him in three months as I promised. You've already said that you don't do casual sex, so I don't know where that leaves this, but I still want to be your friend."
He pulls me closer, and I go freely into his embrace. He feels so comfortable; my head fits perfectly into his hard chest.
"I might have to make an exception for you Jasper." He says in a barely audible whisper.
After Garrett leaves, I sit on the couch reveling in my new and easy friendship with him. It does worry me that he seems hopeful that something can come out of this, when I can only offer him, at best, something physical besides a friendship.
And I definitely can see myself getting physical with him. Garrett is sex on legs. Fucking gorgeous. He's no Edward, but he is hot in his own right. He oozes sex appeal, and has the ability to exude self- confidence without being arrogant.
I felt the saliva pool in my mouth when he removed his shirt to help me work outside. His body is lean and sinewy, he's strong, but doesn't have the bulging muscles to prove it. I could have been hypnotized by the way he moved, all grace and lithe. I could have stared in awe as each of his muscles corded when he helped me do various tasks around the yard. But I forced myself to focus on the tasks and not this amazing creature that basically fell in my lap, today - of all days.
My less than desirable mood brightened considerably after that boy had walked onto my property. It says something that he was able to drag my thoughts away from my problems with Edward and my family for the entire afternoon and into the evening.
After he had come back from showering and changing for dinner, his hair had still been slightly wet at the tips, and he smelled better than the chicken casserole that I had in the oven, and I was hungry, so that was quite an accomplishment. As we worked side by side cohesively to make the salad I couldn't help but inhale deeply through my nose several times to catch his wonderful fragrance.
I heard him chuckle, and that's when I realized that I was leaning into him, my head bent, so that my nose was practically touching his shoulder. I glanced up at him, hoping he hadn't noticed, but as luck would have it, he had a sexy smirk on his face, indicating that he knew exactly what I was doing.
"It's just Irish Spring Jasper." He noticed my blush, and put down the knife that was in his hand. He inclined in, brushed his nose against my hair, and whispered thickly, "You smell delectable too." My cheeks got even more heated, and he chuckled that throaty way again. "I like this too Jasper." He said as he brushed his fingertips over my reddened cheek, and then went back to chopping cukes.
Conversation over dinner was effortless, I genuinely enjoyed being with him, and I felt that he liked me too. We like the same sports and share an interest in certain hobbies. He loves to smile, and I found extreme pleasure in watching him when he did. He had perfectly straight white teeth, surrounded by plush ruby lips, and whenever they formed into a smile, I found myself grinning in return. We refrained from talking about anything deep, instead just being satisfied with getting to know each other on the surface.
When talk had lapsed, and silence ensued, it was anything but uncomfortable. The only awkward moment came after the kiss at the sink.
After I had explained my predicament we watched some re-runs of House, while we continued to get to know one another.
He hadn't tried to touch me after that, which was what I had wanted, I guess, but there was still this nagging feeling that I did want him to kiss me, and the urge had been there to have his hands on me again, but what could have I expected after what I had told him? Did I expect him to tell me it was okay that my heart belonged to another? Then bend himself over the back of the sofa so I could drive into the luscious ass that had been tempting me all day?
Of course not. He was better than that.
In any case, I am happy that I decided to be truthful with him. He knows everything now. I have done my due diligence, so if he makes an advance than I have nothing to feel guilty about. But it also leaves me no choice but to let him make the initial overture. I can't make a move on him, when he knows that my heart just won't be in it, that the only thing I can offer is corporeal pleasures.
I jump at the sound of my phone ringing, and automatically I feel guilty about what I had just been thinking since I know who it is that's calling, but I have done nothing wrong.
It's the deal that was made.
Per his suggestion, and choice.
"Hey baby." Edward whispers, when I pick up.
"Hey yourself, darlin'." My voice comes out thick and seductive without even trying.
"Were you thinking about me?" Shit.
"Kinda. So, what is going on?" I change the subject before he can respond to my lackluster, but honest response.
He sighs heavily. "My mom planned a picnic out on the lake for our family next week."
I know by our past conversations that Edward has a very good relationship with his mom and dad, and older sister, Charlotte. He talks about them a lot, even though I had evaded talking about my own family whenever the subject of our discussion veered in that direction. Edward is always polite enough to back off, and not pursue the topic even though I can tell that he is extremely curious about why I refuse to talk about them.
He cares deeply for his parents and sister, but he makes their picnic get-together seem like a burden.
He doesn't know how lucky he is, or maybe he just doesn't want to rub it in my face…I don't know.
I yearn for that. A loving family.
The idea of my family reuniting, and having a healthy relationship, ranks right up there with the possibility of pigs flying.
"I'm sure you're gonna have a great time."
"I don't know." He sounds leery. "I am going to tell them what I have been up to the last couple months."
"Really? Everything?" I ask in shock.
He chuckles. ""Yep."
His parents, unlike my own, completely accept Edward's homosexuality, but doing porn? Well, that is another whole beast.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" I ask skeptically.
"Yeah…" He sighs. "They won't understand, but they believe I need to make my own decisions, and they will accept it."
A little wave of jealousy hits, but it is quickly squashed by my happiness for him and his ability for him, and his family to find a common ground for understanding and familial support.
"Hey Jas…I wanted to ask you if you wouldn't mind if I tell them about us…I mean, you?
Exactly. What are we? What am I to him? He even has a problem saying "us".
Two more months before we figure all this out.
"Of course. Tell them whatever you feel comfortable with." The words come out before I can retract them. I inwardly groan, knowing Edward has no filter whatsoever.
He laughs. "Are you sure about that? Because I would feel more than comfortable telling them how hard you make my dick by just merely looking at me. How even thinking about you makes me fucking leak."
Now I groan in earnest, and he laughs hysterically.
He calms down, and the airwaves have a serious buzz to them. His deep voice breaks the silence. "Jasper, before I called I was thinking about you, and I got so hard I ached for your touch." Another unwanted rush of guilt flows through me when I think about the erection that I had before he called, and that it had nothing at all to do with him. "Please help me." He sounds desperate, as his voice pleads with me.
"What do you want me to darlin'? You want me to tell you how much I miss you? How much I want you to be right here, next to me? How I wish we could figure things out now?"
"Yes," he gasps.
All of questions are impossible to define with words adequately. I won't even try.
"I can't darlin'. It's…too difficult. How about I tell you what I would do if you were here next to me."
"Yes," he hisses.
I chuckle darkly. "Darlin' if you were here right now, it would take me all of about two seconds to be all over you. Licking you, smelling you, sucking, fucking you, Edward." My dick starts to harden again, but this time it is for him.
I balance the phone between my shoulder and ear, so I can unbutton and unzip my jeans to make room for my hard-on, but I am still uncomfortable. I look down, and I notice it's because I am wearing my orange Calvin Klein boy shorts, I pull my cock out of the tight skivvies, trying reeeeaaally hard not to focus on the reason I had put on this particular pair in the first place.
"I want you to fuck me." He says quietly.
"You are standing at my door, and your all kinds of fucking hot, standing there, waiting for me to invite you in. I pull you into my house, and rip off your shirt immediately. Edward…you're not even able to breathe, my tongue…oh, my god…I can't get enough. I'm like an animal, my hands wander along every plane of your beautiful body, while my mouth devours yours. My tongue…it's all over you…swirling deep in your mouth, running across your teeth, rubbing against your tongue. Damn, we can't fucking breathe, but I can't let go, so our kisses get rougher, almost as desperate as the need to get air into our lungs. Choking, I finally relent. My cheek falls into the crook or your neck, and you do the same. I feel you gasping for air against my pulse point, each hot breath makes my body shake with unleashed desire. Can you feel it Edward? Can you feel how hot I am for you?"
I stroke my dick with long, slow strokes, not wanting to give it up too quickly.
"God, yes Jas…" his words come out in a lusty voice, all thick and creamy like. "Touch me baby."
So, I continue where I left off. "You feel so fucking good against me Edward. The heat radiating off of our naked chests mingle between us, making the air almost suffocating. But somehow my breathing has returned to normal and I attack your neck, biting at the dew already accumulating on the thick vein. God…you fucking whimper and start nipping at my shoulder as your hands cover every inch of skin on my back. I want you to touch my ass with those hot groping, molesting hands, but you don't, and it drives fucking out of mind each time you get close. I stand on my tip-toes, in desperation, seeing if that will get the job done, but you don't take the hint, as you trail back up my sides, and the short, but resplendent relief is eluded once again. I want to scream out in keen frustration. Your hands move to the front, running over my aching nipples, down my rib cage to my stomach, stopping at the hem of my jeans. You play with the edge of the fabric before making your way back up, heading in the opposite direction of my throbbing cock. Fuck darlin', why are you teasing me when I am ready to explode? "
"Oh Jas." Edward mumbles in between a series of moans, and I can tell that I am now on speaker phone.
I fist my thick shaft, unmoving, watching my purple head glisten with droplets of milky liquid. I am getting close and I am in no mood to deny myself. So, to speed this up I skip ahead.
Edward and I seem to be on the same page because he yells a desperate, "just fuck me already."
"Are you close Edward? Do you want to cum all over your pretty little stomach for me?"
"Yes." He hisses.
"I grab your hand and take you into my bedroom, and I strip you down to your sexy green boxer briefs." My first instinct is to take him right there in the living room, but instead, I opt for the only room that Garrett hasn't been in yet. "I throw you on my bed, and you immediately position yourself on all fours. I reach underneath you and palm your balls and cock while I reach into my nightstand. I feel that wet spot on your shorts and I go a little crazy. I apply the condom in lightning speed, cover it with lube and pull those shorts down your legs, but I leave them on, because I want them hanging around your knees, so I can look at them when I fuck you."
"Oh. My. God. Noooowww!" he groans.
My hand is moving at a furious pace on my cock. I know what it will take to lose my load right here and now…a few flicks over the rim of my head, and I will be done, so I avoid the area for now, keeping my fist working just underneath, so I can save my climax for when Edward is ready.
"You look so inviting like that Edward. Your ass up in the air, and your cheeks spread wide for me darlin'. I have to stand back and revel. I stroke my cock, as I stare at you. You're such a turn on. I don't think I have ever…" I get a little choked up on that part, the words stumbling out of my mouth, broken and breathless, so I discontinue that thought, and move on. "Are you on all fours for me Edward? Can you feel my fingers inside of you?"
"Ung…yeah Jas. I feel them."
"Are they making you feel good darlin'?"
"mmm…yes…" Edward moans.
"Do you want more?"
"Please." He whines.
"Oh fuck Edward. I try to penetrate you slowly, but you feel so fucking good and I just dive in, but I wait, giving us both time to adjust. I start slowly, but it doesn't last long, maybe about four or five thrusts before I am pounding you. Your body is shaking with the force, but you have enough stability to stroke that long, thick, beautiful cock of yours. And Jesus…" My breathing becomes shallow making speech difficult. "Ed…I am not…fucking hell…"
My dick has control of my hand now, moving it in exactly the way it needs to find its release.
"Jaaasss…" He moans.
I can't talk anymore. So, I grunt into the phone and he understands. Only heavy breathing and small whimpers are being transmitted over the line.
More than ready.
My stomach bobs, as a fountain of cum shoots out of my slit, splattering against my chest and stomach. I am vocal with my release, not containing any of my moans and groans for his benefit. He does the same, and I hear him cry out with his orgasm.
I wait for him to come down from his high, rubbing my essence into my skin lazily, as Edward had in Jamaica; at a time when things seemed far less complicated than they do now. I close my eyes and pretend that it is his hand stroking my skin now; stroking away all the questions, misgivings, insecurities and confusion that continue to haunt me.
"Done this much?" He asks sleepily.
I chuckle. "Naw. You just inspire me."
That week, Garrett and I spend a lot of time with each other. We hang out at my house when we want to watch a movie because my television is bigger, or when we want to cook something because I have a larger kitchen and a nicer stove. We go to his house when we want to barbeque, because he has a huge gas grill, or to play pool because he has a table in his basement. But no matter where we end up we always have a great time.
"Five in the side pocket." He declares before he bends over the pool table. I can't take my eyes off of his ass - yet again. His jeans stretch taut over his backside, as he shoots the ball into the intended target.
I want to be the one to bend him over that table. That realization does not astound me. I've had that thought in my head since he showed me the table for the first time.
I try to avert my gaze, and wipe the drool off my chin for the umpteenth time before he turns around with that snarky smile, because he is winning again.
He grinds the cube of blue chalk into the end of his cue stick as he surveys the table, studying his options. He saunters to each corner absently, with a natural, slight swagger to his gait that I find extremely hot.
Is he trying to tease me?
I honestly don't think he is trying to turn me on. He isn't doing anything different than any other guy playing pool would, but goddamn it's getting to me…he's getting to me. I've been with some hot guys in the span of my career, but with the exception of Edward, Garrett had them all beat by a mile.
The way he laughs, the way he tosses his head to the side to move his bangs out of his face, the way he unconsciously sinks his teeth into his bottom lip when he is concentrating, and the way he peers up at me through those long black lashes drives me bat shit crazy…and that was all just in the last ten minutes.
But what is really frustrating is that he hasn't so much as said or touched me in a way that can be construed as inappropriate for two friends hanging out. He slapped me on the back after I won a game of pool a couple of days ago, and he grabbed my arm the first time I was at his place, when I was dashing down the wrong hall to locate his bathroom, but that has been it.
Our flirting, if you want to even call it that, is subtle at best. I'd even hasten to say it is pretty close to non-existent. Whatever the hell he felt for me in the beginning doesn't seem to be there anymore.
And it saddens me. I don't know why I care. It's supposed to be easier this way…right?
I don't know what is going on or why I feel like I need to explore these feelings that I have for him, but I can't ignore it anymore. I find myself constantly searching for any excuse to touch Garrett, or say something flirty, but so far I have managed to stop myself.
I made a promise that nothing will happen between us unless he makes the first move, but he's not and it's killing me. I know that he deserves better than what I can give him. He is boyfriend material, not a nail and bail.
I know being with Garrett would never just be a one-time thing, and I can't offer him anything except a large dose of mutual sexual gratification over the next two months.
I am more than fucking positive being balls deep in Garrett would definitely be gratifying, but he isn't just a lay, and I won't use him just to get my rocks off. Even though, I am not quite sure if that's really the only reason that I want to have him anymore.
Whatever the case may be, this "look but don't touch" rule I forced on myself is getting pretty fucking old, pretty fucking fast.
He has his stereo on, so as he moves to my side of the table, he sings along to Street of Dreams by Rainbow. He squeezes by me, looking directly into my eyes while he sings. It takes all of my restraint not to slam him back into the table.
Add one more thing to the ever-growing list of Garrett's expert mindfucks.
"Two in right corner." He bends low over the table again, and sets himself up, and this time I have to lean a little to the left to get the view. His eyes are watching the shot ahead of him, but before he shoots he asks, "So, how many videos have you been in?"
This is the first question that he's asked me about my porn career, and it shocks me. My eyes shoot to his, and I am glad that he isn't looking at me because I am sure that my face is beet red. I don't normally talk to people that aren't in the business about work, and I find myself embarrassed by the topic. "I don't know…maybe twenty."
Twenty is a lot, especially for my age. The first year I pretty much lived on a plane, traveling from studio to studio, but after that I only did about three or four per year. I study Garrett while he aims for his next shot. He wants to make it seem like this is just idle chit chat, but his arms are stiff, and his eyes seem different…more intense.
He hesitates after I answer…longer than normal.
Takes the shot and misses.
The first miss in nine shots.
When he pulls up his face shows no expression, but his body is tense. "Twenty?" He asks casually, as he stares down at the table.
The air has shifted in the room, and it feels stuffy. So, in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere I decide a little flirting is finally in order.
"Yeah, how many of them have you seen?" I say in a sultry voice, and with a wicked smile.
His head pops up, and now it is his turn to blush, but he has a quick rebuttal at the tip of his tongue, and he smirks in what I am assuming is in anticipation of my coming reaction. "I don't know Jasper, would that be before or after we met?"
He chuckles at my softly whispered "fuck", and resumes kicking my ass at pool.
I was assuming that any vids that he watched of mine had been before we met. Knowing that he may have watched some of my performances after we met makes goose bumps rise along my arms, and my gut to twist.
Maybe he is still attracted.
How many times had he jerked off while watching me?
Which videos got him off?
When, where and how did he do it?
And why do I want to know so fucking bad?
Edward calls me at his usual time later that evening. It's a little awkward tonight.
I have a lot on my mind with Garrett, and Edward's gig with Twinkdom is in two days; his appointment with Jared Jenks is on schedule. He doesn't mention it, but reminds me that he may not be able to call me the next few days, since he will be out of town.
It hasn't escaped my attention that I have yet to mention Garrett to him, and I am not really sure why.
That's a lie.
I know exactly why.
If Garrett was just a friend it would be easy to explain him to Edward, but the feeling still nags at me that this still could potentially become more, and I don't want to throw Garrett in Edward's face should that become the case.
It is one thing to keep our options open, but another to flaunt them.
He wants to have phone sex and I don't feel like it, but I participate for him. He finds his release, and when he becomes coherent again, he thankfully doesn't ask me about mine, because there wasn't one.
That night I lay in bed with a heavy heart, and a queasy feeling in my stomach.
I am starting to recognize that I have feelings for Garrett. How can that happen if I am in love with Edward?
Every time I think about Edward all the emotions he evokes come rushing forward.
Love, desire, caring, lust, passion, excitement, nervousness.
But I am beginning to feel those same things for Garrett too. They are just a muted, or a watered-down version, they aren't as strong as how I feel for Edward…but they are still there.
I am so terrified that I am going to jeopardize what I have with Edward by exploring these feelings that I have for Garrett, but I should have no reason to be worried.
Edward doesn't expect monogamy.
He doesn't want to be faithful.
Edward doesn't know how to be exclusive.
He made it pretty clear that he got around, and that he doesn't want any type of commitment from me during the next three months.
And whether he feels something…anything at all…for the guys he sleeps with will be deemed perfectly acceptable, because there are no rules or stipulations to our agreement. There is no law that states we can't have feelings for the guys we have sex with. The only rule we made is no switching, which doesn't even seem like a rule since I have no urge or intention to bottom for anyone other than Edward.
Exactly. So why the fuck am I so confused?
People say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think that's bullshit. Absence makes the heart forget. I feel like I am forgetting pieces of him already. I still want to believe that I love Edward wholeheartedly, but how can I possibly be feeling these things for Garrett, and still say that I am unequivocally in love with Edward?
Every time I hear his voice on the phone I feel that familiar ache in my chest, and all the love I feel for him is exposed, but when I hang up I stare hopelessly infatuated into turquoise eyes, and Garrett always makes me forget. When I am around him, it is just me and him hanging out, and the yearning for Edward that suffocates me relents for a time.
I have an eerie feeling that something is going to be changing soon. Too many factors are starting to present themselves.
Edward in his internet debut.
Edward telling his parents.
Garrett and I growing ever so close.
Something is about to upset the balance of our precarious relationship, and one wrong move will cause it to all topple over.
I screwed up tonight. I should have asked Edward if he is ready for his shoot…if he is nervous…maybe give him some tips, and I should have told him about my budding relationship with Garrett, but my lips remained sealed.
How can this relationship possibly go anywhere if I can't even talk to him?
I can't help but turn into a girl, and cry a little over it. It hurt, knowing that he is probably starting to feel the same way…that when I go to him in two months time all of the feelings that we had toward each other will all have disappeared, with only traces of awkward hugs and meaningless conversation to get us through the useless visit.
My dreams leave me restless this night, consisting of a pair of eyes, conflicted with whirls of emerald and turquoise, and a mane mixed with vibrant rust and soft brown.
"What's up Jasper?" Garrett looks at me with raised eyebrows.
I look away from the television to a discerning Garrett. He can read me so well in the short amount of time that we have known each other.
I have always been honest with him, and I feel like I owe it to him to continue to do so.
"Something up with Edward?" He asks. Way too perceptive.
"Yeah…he has his first shoot today." I say, astonishingly calm, considering the rioting emotions filling every vein, fueling my heart to beat at a steady, but quick pace.
"Twinkdom. You ever go on there?"
"No. That site is too young for me. I like my men a little older." He winks.
"Really?" I ask, surprised. "Cause last I checked you are still a couple of years older than me."
Okay, so that was pretty blatant. Garrett looks equally as stunned, but recovers quickly, as usual.
"Who says I am still into you?" He retorts, with a slight challenge to his voice.
I am lying along the length of the couch, and he is sitting on the end, so I give him a swift kick in the leg. He grasps his thigh in his hands and lets out a yelp, but his smile is bright, and his turquoise eyes shine with humor.
Damn, he is beautiful. I shake myself from those thoughts and my eyes are drawn back to the television. We lapse into a comfortable silence, and it amazes me again how easy our relationship is.
"So…are you going to watch it?" He asks the inevitable.
"I don't know." I whisper without looking away from the television, even though I don't even know what we are watching anymore, but when he doesn't say anything I turn to him. "What do you think?"
He sighs, and swivels so that he is facing me. He folds one leg on the couch, and sits on it. "If I wanted to be selfish Jasper I would tell you to watch it." He says quietly, looking down at his hands, but he lifts his eyes, and I see the sadness in them. "But I am your friend, so I have to tell you not to do it. Nothing good can come out of it."
I gaze back at the TV, and I finally notice that we are watching The Munster's. Wanting to change the subject I ask him about something that I have been wondering about. "Where is your family, if you don't mind me asking?"
He takes a quick glance at me before his eyes return to the show. "No, umm…my parents both died in a car accident five years ago. I have one sister. Her name is Maggie, she's sixteen. She's living with our aunt in Wisconsin. I talk to her once a week. She loves high school, and my aunt and uncle are really good to her."
I learned from our past conversations that Garrett is from Wisconsin, and moved to Texas for work as a Literary Arts teacher for tenth graders. He also works every other weekend at the youth center, as a helper, and acts as a substitute basketball coach when needed.
I sit up and I brush my hand against his arm. "I am so sorry about your parents. That must have been devastating."
"It was…but it was a long time ago, and I have had a lot of time to deal with it, and move on. I was just getting ready to leave for college at the time. I wanted to take Maggie, but I was so young, y'know? By the time I was able to take care of her properly, she was immersed in her life in Wisconsin and a happy, stable kid." He shrugs. "How about you? Do you have any siblings?"
"One. A twin." I try to keep the disgust out of my voice.
His eyes widen, and he chuckles. "Is he as hot as you?"
"It's a she. Her name is Rosalie, and I have no idea if she is as hot as me or not, because it's been years since I saw her."
The silence is deafening.
"Are you going to elaborate on that, or are you waiting for me to ask you twenty questions?"
And without any other nudging I begin my sordid tale. "I came out when I was fifteen. Actually, I was forced out. I had a secret boyfriend that year. I had other sexual experiences before him, but he was the closest thing to a relationship I had up to that point. I knew Charlie and Renee would not approve of my being gay, so I didn't want to come out until I was ready to leave for college."
He interrupts, trying to keep up with the story. "Charlie and Renee?"
"Oh yeah, Charlie and Renee are my parents. I stopped calling them mom and dad when they stopped being them. Anyway, thankfully, my boyfriend lived with exactly the same fears from his parents, so there was no pressure to come out. He had even gone so far as to finding a pseudo girlfriend to fake out his parents. Things had been going great for about eight months. In the second half of our sophomore year our worlds exploded. We had gym class together, so one day, when we were alone in the showers, we kissed…"
"Fuck!" He hisses.
Yeah, he knows what is coming.
I concede to his comment with a knowing nod of my head, and utter the words he already knows, "but we weren't alone. One of our classmates had seen us making out and ran to tell the others. It was that afternoon that we were accosted by three guys from the high school football team. We were on our way home…I was just a few houses from my own…I had almost made it." I stop and close my eyes as the pain of that day assails me. When will it stop feeling like it just happened?
He edges closer, and clasps my hand in his. His bright turquoise eyes are sad, and understanding.
Has every gay man heard this story? Lived this story?
"Needless to say we got beaten to a pulp. Bad enough to put us both in the emergency room with open cuts, and broken bones. My boyfriend had been kicked in the stomach so many times he had three broken ribs. Another kid from school had been walking home, saw what was happening, and ran to my house for help. My mom and dad came running out and scared the kids away, but not before they called us several defamatory names associated with our orientation. While we waited for the ambulance my dad asked me if it was true…what they had said. I didn't say anything, but he saw the answer in my eyes."
I try to shrug it off, but the tears are forming in my eyes. Garrett sees through my pretense of impassiveness, and his free hand comes up to stroke my hair, and the side of my face.
"He never came to the hospital to see me, neither did my mom. Rosalie came once, but mainly just to tell me that dad didn't want a fag in his house, and that he instructed mom she wasn't allowed to come see me. When I was recovering in the hospital I made several calls to some different family members. The only one that would take me in was my uncle. He traveled for work, so he was barely there. I stayed at his place until I graduated. I had already started doing porn by that point."
"You haven't seen any of them since then?" He asks in a hoarse whisper.
"I haven't spoken with my parents, but Rosalie has been trying to contact me by email the past couple of months."
"Wow. Well, what does she have to say all of a sudden?" He huffs, and then quickly adds, "You don't have to answer if you don't want to." He moves over to the other side of the couch to grab the box of Kleenex and he hands it to me. I hadn't realized I had been crying.
"That's just it. I read the first couple and she is trying to pretend like nothing ever happened. I haven't read any recently. I just delete them now."
"Jasper, goddamn, that is so fucked up." He shakes his head, unbelievingly.
The only one I had ever told about my separation from my family was James, and it was only a brief rendering at that. I had avoided the subject completely with Edward, and here I was telling Garrett everything, and even without coercion or duress.
Why does he make it so easy? What is it about him?
I scoot down the couch, and I pull his face to mine. I kiss him lightly by just brushing my lips against his. He sits awkwardly; tense and afraid to make this into anything more than what it is.
I am sick of waiting for him to make a first move. He knows what he is getting into, he can take it or leave it, but I want…no, I need to try.
I climb on top of him, and straddle his thighs. "Goddammit, touch me Garrett."
He doesn't waste any time in doing so. He clutches on to my sides and raises the hem of my t-shirt just enough that he can rest his hands on my bare midriff.
Just like our first kiss, our lips touch softly, barely moving against each other. He applies a little more pressure, and I can feel his warm breath wash over me, beckoning me to explore further. He tastes like cinnamon, but that might have something to do with the stick of Big Red he popped into his mouth after dinner.
His hands roam up my sides and settle over each of my pecs, palming my pebbled nipples. His fingertips flirt with my collarbone, as the kiss becomes intense. I break away and raise my arms over my head.
Garrett stares at me hard, trying to see into my soul. There is a flicker of skepticism, but he removes my shirt swiftly, and throws it to the floor. I celebrate his acquiesce by cupping his gorgeous cheeks in my hands, and kissing him thoroughly.
I sit back on his legs, bringing his mouth with me. I fist his shirt, tugging it in a silent request. He pushes his back away from the sofa, and I pull away from the kiss, just so I can yank the shirt over his head, and throw it to the floor on top of mine. Immediately, I resume my previous position. Our hands slide across torsos, learning each other slowly and languidly. I watch my hands as they travel over his heated skin.
He is absolutely beautiful…everything about him.
Our hips start to move in an unhurried rocking motion. His hips thrust up and down, while mine sway from side to side, his steel erection grinds together with mine. My head falls back with the pleasure of our erotic dance.
"I have wanted to do this since the day I met you." He admits gutturally.
His words cause my eyes flutter closed, and my lips to find his blindly.
We are relishing each other…enjoying this for all it is worth.
This isn't an all-consuming, raging inferno…just a slow, delicious burn, and I love it. Sometimes, the emotions and intensity that come with Edward are overwhelming. This is intense and we are both in need, but we aren't trying to crawl into each other's skin.
I palm his cock through his jeans. He hisses as I mold my hand to his throbbing shaft, running along the length back and forth. It twitches endlessly, and I know then, that it's not going to take long.
For either of us.
Because my throbbing cock is straining against my jeans.
No. This first time, it will be short and painful, but after that…
After that, we can take our time. We'll stay up all night, and we can savor each other.
I rise and grab his hand. "Let's take this to the bedroom."
He hesitates. "I-I should go."
My mind scrambles for…anything to make him stay, but honesty with Garrett has always been a priority, and that isn't going to change because I have a desperate ache to finish what we've started here. "I know I can't offer you much of anything. Can we just have this – for now?" I say desperately, my eyes beseech him to see my meaning.
He weaves both of his hands through his hair roughly. "Let me get this straight. You want me to be your fuck buddy for the next couple of months? Until you go back to Edward? Answer me something - do you want to fuck me now because Edward is having sex with somebody else today?"
"God, no." I whisper fervently to the last question, and I am shocked to realize that it's not a lie.
It's not even close to a lie.
I want him. Garrett.
This has nothing to do with Edward.
His expression gives away nothing, so as I pull him up from the sofa, I back off and hold my breath, letting him lead the way.
It will either be to the front door, or it will be to the bedroom.
AN: So, does he stay or does he go? What do ya think?
Just keep in mind that we have NO idea what Edward is doing during this time yet.
I am off to write my FGB auction items. I will try to fit another chap in between that, but we will see. Since I am giving something from the next chapter to Burnt Marshmallow reviewers I will do the same here, so let me know what you think so far and I will give you something from next chapter.
Thanks for reading! This is fun…right?