EDITED New Author's Notes: Below is an oldie. A fanfic of mine from the late 90's and one of the first multiparters I ever managed to finish on the old FFML mailing list. There are still severe formatting problems on here and I'll try to straighten them out in time, but frankly, what looked good on old text message based e-mail systems tends to look like utter crap on a modern webpage. Please bear with it, as it will be corrected in due time, as you may notice the procedure's begun on this chapter, along with a couple of very minor spelling and grammar fixes. The rest of the text from this point on, is more or less the stuff I wrote over ten years ago:
This is something a little different from the other
crossovers you've no doubt seen. I've tried to catch the spirit
of both worlds without making it too much like one or the other.
Despite the names shared by these characters with their
originals, the characters may not necessarily act the way their
namesakes would. Keep it in mind. I've tried to make it a bit
more mature, but still keeping a bit of absurdity to keep things
interesting. Also keep in mind that there are quite a number of
cameos from various sources. Spot them all and win a prize! (Not
cash, sorry...) Please send C&C and any suggestions on the story
Standard fanfic disclaimer averring that all characters,
situations, places and events with even a vague resemblance to
the work of Rumiko Takahashi, Fujishima Kosuke's, CLAMP, whoever
did Koko wa Greenwood or any one of a number of works, probably
was borrowed in the first place. Apologies to all. Rights are
to whoever owns them. Don't bother to sue, though. I'm broke.
I hereby present, for the reader's perusal:
Sore wa Nibunoichi Megami-sama.
(That's 1/2 My Goddess.)
A Ranma 1/2 - Oh! My Goddess semi-crossover fanfic by
PART I: Of Things Free and Unwished For
Just a short distance away from the campus of the Nekomi Institute of Technology was the Greenwood Dorm and Dojo. It was a generally quiet little place in a generally quiet little
neighborhood. Most of the time.
The thing is, you see, the Greenwood D & D was a men's dorm. Not only that... it was the dorm of used by the N.I.T. Martial Arts Varsity team. The place where most of the school's
best fighters ended up. As a result, a lot of the students who lived here were healthy strapping men of action, little given to introspection or peaceful contemplation. In simple terms this
meant lots of big, strong martial artists with short tempers and a knack for causing plenty of property damage. Greenwood was well loved by the local building contractors for their contributions to the local economy and much hated by insurance companies for the constant damage the place kept sustaining. This was probably the only dormitory in town which had a policy covering incidental obscure weaponry damage (including the infamous bandanna,
umbrella, broom and toilet-training potty subclauses), Chi strikes, and incidental furniture damage by hurling. As things stood now, it looked like their rates were going to go up once
more. They were at it again. Three of the dorm's residents were running down the main hall to the dojo. To put things more precisely, two of the men were chasing a third. That was Ranma
Saotome. This sort of thing was generally a prelude to trouble.
Ranma was already breathing hard as his two dorm mates chased him. He was a handsome young man in his early twenties dressed in a red Chinese shirt and some comfortable pants. His
hair, which was pulled back into a short braid, bounced back and forth as he ducked and dodged the various bandannas, knives, yoyos and furniture that were being lobbed in his direction.
Aside from his two pursuers Ranma had an unusual problem. Women. They loved him. They really, really loved him. He had his own fan club and everything.
It wasn't as if he did anything to encourage them.
If anything, he actively tried to discourage them. It didn't work, of course. They still popped up in the hallways and in his classes, giving him gifts, love letters, inviting him to dinner, dropped by the dorm on the flimsiest of excuses. Another man might have settled back and just enjoyed it, Mikado Sanzenin of the combat skating team came to mind, but Ranma vehemently disliked it.
He didn't dislike the girls personally or the food (his father had raised him to never turn down anything free) but all of the attention tended to be distracting during training. Also, there were only so many jealous boyfriends, irate brothers, and angry fathers a man could take at one time. His dorm mates didn't like it all that much either. They claimed that their own training was starting to suffer because of all the distractions caused by Saotome's fans. Actually, they were mostly just jealous.
They finally managed to corner him in the dojo.
"Nowhere to run, Saotome. Give up now and we might go easy on you," said one of the men.
"Maybe..." said the other ominously cracking his knuckles.
"No way, man!" said Ranma defiantly.
The fellow he addressed was an impressively muscled, heavy set man dressed in a brown shirt with torn sleeves and an old pair of beige jeans. He had a tiger striped bandanna to hold
back his shock of black hair. His face was currently twisted into a scowl. This was Ryoga Hibiki. He was not happy. He was rarely happy. The true reasons for which may become clearer at a
later date, but as far as he was concerned, there was only one consistent source of his aggravation and he was currently shouting at it.
"Ranma! I told you already! It's your turn to stay and watch the dorm!"
The other man, taller than Ryoga and with a far more slender build nodded in agreement. He was wearing a long white overcoat and a pair of ridiculously thick glasses. He was good looking in an oddly predatory manner and had long black hair which fell straight to the small of his back. His arms were folded across his chest as he sent a look of amused contempt towards Ranma. This was Mousse, a Chinese exchange student and one of Ranma's dormmates.
He noted in calm tones, "Hibiki is right, Saotome. you've been going out every night with your women for the past three weeks, leaving us with the duty of watching over the dorm. You are the only one who has not completed his dorm sitting obligation in over a month," he continued even as he took a moment to clean his glasses on the cuff of his sleeve, "It is only fitting that this
entire week be yours, eh?" As he slipped his glasses back on, Mousse realized with some small measure of embarrassment that he was talking to the punching bag. The other two tactfully
avoided any comment.
"Aw, c'mon you guys! They aren't MY women and it's not like I ask them out, or anything..." began Ranma, "They're the ones chasing me--"
"That makes it worse!" Ryoga interrupted, "They waltz in here and drag you out to the movies or dinner even in the middle of training sessions, it's getting embarrassing, Ranma! All those girls chasing you..." Ryoga's hands had already balled into fists.
"Even when you're supposed to be guarding the dojo, you manage to sneak a girl or two in by the time we get back. It just isn't done..." Mousse added disapprovingly.
"I don't sneak them in, they sneak in on their own." Ranma replied. "Ahh... You guys are just jealous," he added under his breath.
"What was that, Saotome?" asked Mousse in low and dangerous tones.
Ryoga took it a little more personally, roaring, "That does it, Saotome! I've had enough of you, you arrogant little--" Ryoga leapt into the air sending a flurry of bandannas ripping straight at Ranma's head. Ranma managed to jump to one side in order to avoid the bandannas leaving them
to embed into the Dojo's floor. Mousse, with exquisite timing stepped back and released a storm of chains, ropes and various other less identifiable things from the sleeves of his overcoat. Ranma, who had left himself open while avoiding the bandannas was soon wrapped tight in steel and string. He fell to the ground struggling to break free of his bonds.
Ryoga landed with a little smile on his lips, "Now, Ranma... we're sure you'll be staying your shift."
"I'll get you guys for this!!"
"No doubt you'll try, Saotome. We'll be back in a few hours. Make sure to take any messages and to clean up while we're gone," said Mousse, turning his back on Ranma and walking purposefully towards the door. He was smiling as he flipped his glasses up onto his head.
"Hey, at least let me out of these chains first you guys!!"
Ryoga walked with Mousse towards the dojo's door and cracked his knuckles, "You can get out of those on your own, Ranma. Oh yeah..." Ryoga said turning to look at Ranma again, a broad smile on his face, "Mousse and I already talked to the dorm manager... If anybody catches another of your girls in here, you are going to get kicked out of this dorm. No more
violations will be tolerated."
"But I don't help them sneak in, you stupid jerks!"
"That's what you say," replied Mousse cynically then added in an amused tone, "Try not to scratch the floor too much squirming around, Saotome."
Ryoga and Mousse laughed as they walked out of the dojo, interrupted only briefly by Mousse running face first into the wall next to the door.
"Dumb jerks..." muttered Ranma to himself as he started snapping the chains one after another. Half an hour later, only his ankles were still bound when the phone in the common room suddenly rang.
"Oh great," Ranma muttered to himself as he half bounced, half stumbled out of the dojo, "I wonder who that is?"
"Hello?" Ranma asked into the phone's receiver.
"Hello, sir, " said a soft woman's voice on the other end of the line, "This is the Goddess Relief Office, we will be sending our representative there shortly. Please stand by..."
"Hey, who is this--" Ranma managed to blurt, before realizing that he was talking to the dial tone.
Ranma frowned at the phone. He was used to strange women calling him and leaving odd messages, but this was a new one. He shrugged it off as just another girl trying to get his
attention. He'd had enough of that. He stretched a little and decided to take a little soak to relax himself.
As he walked to the bath Ranma was actually glad the Ryoga and Mousse had saddled him with dorm sitting duty. With Shinosuke, Konatsu and Tarou in the country for the semestral break, and Gosunkugi at another of his Dark Ritual of Summoning Meetings, Ranma had the dorm all to himself. Provided none of his would be self-appointed girlfriends showed up, he thought
that he would finally have a nice relaxing evening. A little peace and quiet was precisely what he needed just now. Too bad he wasn't going to get any.
Ranma was sitting up in the hot bath with his eyes closed, gently dozing. "Blessed silence at last," murmured Ranma just as a sudden burst of light illuminated the bathroom.
Ranma's eyes flew open to see a widening black circle on the surface of the water. Light seemed to be pouring out from the circle and energy crackled at its edges as it grew. Ranma blinked his eyes, trying to get used to the light when he got the vague impression of a form rising from the circle. Suddenly the light was gone and there she was.
Long seconds passed as she stood over Ranma with her feet on the opposite sides of the tub, looking rather shocked at his state of dress (or undress). She was in a white outfit, trimmed in red which looked vaguely like a short dress, with matching boots, gloves and jacket. Strapped to her back was a large, oddly mechanical looking hammer also in red and white.
Her long black hair was drawn into a ponytail, that reached to just behind her knees. Ranma had just enough time to notice that despite her surprised expression she was also rather cute.
Before Ranma got a chance for a closer look, she'd whipped the hammer off her back and brought it up over her head with both hands, in an attack position. She screamed, "You
pervert!!" as she brought the hammer down on Ranma's head.
Ranma's reflexes barely saved him as he ducked under the water and surfaced behind her. Her hammer crashed into the water, missing him by inches and slammed into the tub's floor,
cracking it. Half of the water in the tub was sent splashing out onto the bathroom floor.
"Hey stop that you idiot!" shouted Ranma at the girl. Realizing that this pervert was now behind her, the girl tore the mallet loose from the floor, whirled around swinging the mallet in a wide flat arc. Dripping wet and rather naked, Ranma jumped onto the hammer, and vaulting from it,
launched himself across the room towards the towel rack. Ranma's unexpected weight on the hammer made the girl lose her grip.
Undeterred, the girl jumped at Ranma from her position on the side of the tub, ready to pound him to oblivion, with or without her weapon.
Ranma managed to grab one of the towels off the rack as the girl closed in. Ranma tried to simultaneously dodge the girl, tie the towel around his waist and run for the bathroom door.
He would have made it too, if only the floor hadn't been so wet.
With a cry of "Who's an idiot, you pervert?!" the girl rushed Ranma.
He managed to neatly sidestep her blow as he tucked in a corner of the towel. He took another step toward the door as the girl suddenly changed tactics and whirled around to drive an elbow into his gut. Ranma slipped suddenly on the wet floor and struck the girl's elbow with his nose. Hard. Her blow sent him flying into the opposite wall. He stuck to the wall for a few seconds before sliding off and leaving a shallow Ranma shaped impression in the shattered tiles of the wall.
"What's going onnnnn..?" Ranma managed to say before slipping into unconsciousness.
The girl seemed to calm down as she realized that the pervert was now out cold.
"Serves him right," she muttered. She took a good look at him, now sprawled on the floor, and a look of confusion passed across her eyes suddenly followed by horror. She murmured aloud, suddenly appalled, "Oh no... was that the client?"
Meanwhile, one floor up and a few doors down the hall from the bathroom, was Hikaru Gosunkugi's room. It vaguely resembled a cross between NASA mission control and an occult
While it wasn't unheard of for some of Gosunkugi's stuff to glow, that was usually because he'd spilled luminescent paint on it by accident. One of his numerous pieces of camera equipment suddenly began to glow, without apparent cause. Much as Gosunkugi would have liked to believe it, that wasn't normal.
The diffuse light coalesced slowly and began to gather itself about the camera's lens. The light collapsed on itself creating a tiny pinpoint on the lens through which a beautiful redheaded young woman suddenly, impossibly stepped through. She looked around her in confusion and called out, "Hello? Anybody home?"
Ranma was in his room as he woke up slowly. He'd just had an awful nightmare where he was being chased by this mad woman with a mallet. It took a moment for him to realize that he was
still dressed only in a towel and that he was not alone. The girl from his dream was sitting next to him on the bed, the immense hammer now strapped to her back once more. She smiled tentatively at him. Up close he could see that she had some sort of odd triangular markings on her forehead and at the corners of her eyes and she wasn't much younger than he was.
Ranma winced as he felt his nose, "You're not going to hit me again, are you?"
"I'm really sorry about that, Saotome-san... this is my first job in the field and I was a little nervous."
"How do you know my name?"
"We're supposed to know all about our clients, Saotome-san."
Clients? thought Ranma to himself.
"Clients of the Goddess Relief Office," she clarified.
Ranma sat up, "What are you talking about? Was that you on the phone a while ago?" he asked, remembering the strange phone call.
The girl looked as though she were about to answer when something else occurred to him, "How the heck did you get into the bathroom? What were you doing in there?" then added to himself quietly, "No, wait... I know what she was doing in there, she were trying to smash me to a pulp..."
"For which I'm really sorry Saotome-san," she said answering his unspoken thought, "Let me introduce myself first, I am Akane Tendo, Goddess of Conflicts 1st class, 2nd category,
limited license..." she said showing him her business card.
"A goddess... with a business card?" said Ranma skeptically, "Yeah. Right. Pull the other one."
"... and I am here to give you one wish. Nearly any wish you could want," Akane continued brightly.
"Very original..." said Ranma looking annoyed, "You're the most creative girl who's tried to sneak in here so far."
"I beg your pardon?" asked Akane, confused.
The redhead was having a little trouble finding her client. She was quite certain that he would be in the building at least, but so far she had not had much luck. She'd found a couple of risque magazines, a cell phone, an unopened can of soda and a walkman... but nothing much client-wise.
She was a little short, but not that it really mattered, since she was floating a couple of inches off the ground anyway. She was very attractive possessing a certain delicate feminine charm. Her shock of long red hair was in a braid which reached to her waist. Her clothes consisted of a
multilayered ensemble of white and purple which seemed to shift as she walked. Her blue eyes betrayed confusion as she peeked into each of the rooms in turn. So far, still nothing. No
matter... she'd find this Saotome person eventually, she thought to herself as she passed through the door of another locked room.
"Original," continued Ranma, "I mean most of the girls who come here just drop off candy or food or special free pizza deliveries, or something."
"What are you talking about?" she said her brow furrowing as she seemed to understand something, "You think I'm here because I like you!?!" she started to laugh.
It was now Ranma's turn to be confused. "What's so funny?"
"Its just that I've never seen such a large ego on a mortal before..!" she replied before breaking into fresh gusts of laughter.
"Large ego?!" Ranma replied, incensed, "What would you know, you uncute girl!"
Akane, suddenly frowned at him in mid laugh, "What did you call me?!"
"Uncute!" Ranma replied without thinking, as was his wont. "I thought so..." she said as she pulled a smaller mallet from somewhere inside her jacket and walloped Ranma to the
"Now..." she said taking a moment to put away the smaller hammer, "Who were you calling uncute, Saotome-san?" said Akane to Ranma who had been knocked to the floor.
Ranma put a hand to his head as he got back on the bed. His ears were still ringing from that unexpected blow. She wasn't acting like one of the girls who normally had a crush on
him, he thought to himself. Usually those girls did their violence to each other, not to him... it was usually the angry boyfriends he had to worry about.
"Precisely, Saotome-san." said Akane smugly. "I don't have a crush on you," she seemed to find something immensely amusing about the concept.
Ranma's brow furrowed in thought, This has got to be the strangest attempt by a woman to break into the Dojo yet...
"It does seem a little strange," Akane admitted in reply to his thoughts, "But I'd also like to point out, Saotome-san, that as Goddess I'm incapable of lying..."
"Wait a minute. I just realized something... you've been answering my questions--"
"...before you say them. For the duration of our interview, I am allowed to read your thoughts in order to better anticipate your every need."
"You're reading my mind?" he asked.
"Not entirely... just your surface thoughts." she smiled.
"Okay so what am I thinking now?" Ranma asked, trying to think about onigiri, but somehow unable to keep his thoughts of how cute she looked out of his head...
Akane blushed a little, and smiled, "Er... thanks. I'm flattered."
"About onigiri?" asked Ranma, puzzled.
"No... you were thinking about how... er... cute I... um..." Akane continued, blushing.
Ranma's eyes bugged out a little. "So... um... You're sure you're not... er... You mean you're not another of my... erhm..." asked Ranma, now rather embarrassed.
Akane sobered enough to supply the word, "...groupies? No, not at all," she smiled at him again. Ranma couldn't help but smile back. She was just so cute. "I told you, Saotome-san, I'm here to give you your wish."
"Could you just call me Ranma, please... Akane, right?"
"So let me get this straight... a wish?"
"Mmm-hm. One wish." Akane said holding up one finger.
"So what can I wish for? Can I wish to have the world destroyed?"
"Actually, you could, but we don't like to do business with that kind of client. That's why there's a strict screening process."
"So why me?"
Akane just shrugged. "You fit the criterion."
Ranma felt oddly flattered by that, "So I could ask for anything, short of world destruction?"
"Hmm... I have to think about this..." he muttered quietly to himself, "World domination..? Nah... richest man in the world..? Nah... world's best martial artist..? nah..."
Ranma's head suddenly snapped up as he realized something.
"What time is it?"
"Nearly ten thirty," Akane replied, mentally checking the time, "Why?"
"You've got to get out of here!" said Ranma, panic rising in his voice, "My dorm mates are arriving soon, if they catch another girl in here because of me, I'm going to get kicked out of here!"
"Well then you'd better make your wish fast, then..."
"I'm too worried to make a wish! I could wish for the wrong thing and totally ruin my life forever! I don't need this aggravation!"
"Well... what if we leave for a while, so they don't catch me here?"
"I can't leave, I have to stay here until they come home," Ranma said, every so often cocking his ears to check for the approach of Ryoga and Mousse, "Argh... Please... don't bother with the wish, just get out of here? I have enough problems, I'd rather not worry about you and a wish too..."
"You're turning down your wish?" Akane asked, shocked. "You can't do that! No one's done that in centuries!" she was also beginning to feel a rising tide of panic and depression, "It's me isn't it? Just because this is my first assignment you're picking on me..." tears were beginning to leak out of the corners of her eyes.
"Argh..! That's not what I said! It's just that you have to leave now, otherwise I'll be in really deep trouble... but its not your fault... but I'd rather not worry you... Do you understand?" he said, now concerned with both himself and her and the possibility of imminent arrivals.
Akane stood up and turned towards the door, "Fine... I'll just go back up to heaven... a failure..." she wiped her tears on the back of her hand.
She was already out the door and storming to the bathroom, down the hall before Ranma was able to catch up with her.
A few doors down and around the corner, the redhead was getting bored looking for her client. She was taking a break.
She was stretched out on Ryoga's bed, reading one of his magazines, drinking the soda she'd found all the while listening to music on the old walkman. She was a little annoyed at the
thing too. There was something wrong with the volume control, because the sound kept getting suddenly loud, then quiet, then loud. It was starting to get on her nerves.
Despite the walkman, however, she was certain that she'd heard a noise... maybe that would be Saotome. With a resigned sigh, she got off the bed and drifted out into the corridor, not bothering to remove the head phones. That right there was a big mistake.
"Look, Akane..." he said, tentatively putting a hand on her shoulder, "It's not you... girls have been after me and bothering me for most of my life. You're one of the few women I've actually been able to have a decent conversation with, even though we just met today... and you don't necessarily count as a woman because you're a goddess... and... er... um..."
Akane looked up at him, somewhat confused by his babbling. She could feel concern coming from him which made her smile a little, "Okay. I think."
"That's better. Its just that I don't want either of us to get in trouble... do you have to grant a wish?"
"Well... not really, wishes have been refused before without penalty. It's just a little embarrassing for me to come back without having granted it. Do you really want me to go?"
"Well, I enjoyed your company... um... and I don't want you to go as such... it's just... I don't really want the problems, you understand..? What if I give the wish to you?"
Akane glanced downwards momentarily, "I'm a Goddess... we're not allowed to make wishes for ourselves..."
"Oh. Um... er... Okay. So I can't give it to you..."
Akane's eyes were dry now, "All right, I understand. The wish can be returned to Heaven without problems," she favored him with a small smile, "I guess I'm not surprised the Yggradsil system picked you to receive a wish."
"Thanks," Ranma replied rubbing the back of his head with a hand, blushing faintly.
"I'd better go now before you get into any trouble..." Akane said.
"Well... will you be able to come back? I mean... when I don't have to worry about my dorm mates? Just to talk? Or something?" Ranma was quietly railing at the injustice of it all... he'd finally found a girl he liked ... unfortunately she was a Goddess.
Akane shook her head sadly, "We're not really allowed on Earth during our off duty hours..."
"Well, if it's any consolation for you... if I had to spend all my time with a girl anyway, I wish I could be with a girl like you."
The redhead turned the corner, and there he was! Her client! He was talking to some other girl... probably a girlfriend or something, she thought. He was cutie, mused the redhead... With some fumbling she tried to adjusted the volume on the Walkman.
She barely managed to catch him saying the words "...I wish I could be... a girl like you..."
A look of shock crossed her face as she heard this.
The marking on her forehead suddenly flared with brilliant light as she rose into the air.
Akane was taken by surprise by Ranma's statement... but there it was a clearly stated. The marking on her forehead suddenly flared with a brilliant light as she rose off the ground.
Ranma staggered back as Akane was enveloped suddenly in a glowing column of white light which reached through the ceiling and into the heavens. Behind him another eruption
of light occurred and as he turned to look, he saw a beautiful redhead similarly cocooned in light.
Within moments the effect had subsided, allowing both women float gently back to the ground.
With a single quavering voice the two women said, "Your wish is granted."
There was a brief moment of silence before the two women noticed each other and everybody started talking at the same time.
"Ranko!?" roared Akane at the redhead.
"Akane?!" said the redhead, just as surprised.
"Will somebody tell me what's going on?" said Ranma to both.
"What are you doing here?"
"Me?! What are you doing here?"
"It was my turn on the duty roster, you idiot!" Ranko said floating in Akane's direction.
"Your turn was last week! He's my client!"
"It was for today! I already granted him his wish!"
"My wish? What wish?" asked Ranma, now utterly confused.
"YOU?! I granted his wish you incompetent red headed excuse for a goddess!"
"Incompetent am I!?," Ranko said in a dangerous, silken voice as she drew back slightly. A glowing sphere was beginning to form between her hands.
"That's right... Here, let me show you how incompetent..." replied Akane pulling her hammer out of its holster. She gave the head a slight quarter twist and it began to hum in an ominous tone.
"Nobody's going to do anything to anyone until I get an explanation!!" shouted Ranma at the top of his lungs.
Ranko and Akane stopped in mid-threaten to look at him.
"Alright. Much better. Now..." he said turning to Akane, "Who's she?"
The glowing sphere Ranko was holding had disappeared and Akane had put away her weapon as well. Both women crossed their arms at the same time.
"That's Ranko," replied Akane in a sullen tone.
"Ranko, Goddess of Affection, first class, second category, limited. I'm her cousin," replied Ranko, in a tone which indicated she wasn't particularly happy about the state of affairs either.
"Fine. Much better. Now what are you doing here Ranko?" asked Ranma, trying hard not to sound as if he were talking to children.
"It was my turn for the field assignment according to the duty roster, but hammer girl over here," Ranko said nodding to Akane, "Must have misread the chart."
"And I keep telling you that it's my turn today!"
Akane retorted sharply, getting ready to pull out the maligned mallet.
"I don't care..." Ranma replied, now gritting his teeth, he was starting to get a migraine. "Now... what was that about a wish?"
"The Head Office granted your wish," said both women at the same time. They glared at each other.
"We can't have both granted him a wish, he's only authorized one!" said Ranko.
"Wait... What wish?" asked Ranma, still rather lost in this conversation, "I don't remember making a wish--"
"Yes you did," Ranko interrupted, "It was rather surprising I'll give you that much. Nobody's asked for that in at least a couple of decades..."
Akane thought for a moment then said, "We'd better check with the Head Office and clear this up," she turned to Ranma, "Can we use your phone?"
"Sure... just clear this up fast. The guys are probably on their way back by now," Ranma sighed.
"This way," he said leading them down the hall.
"Okay," Akane replied smiling at Ranma, "I'm pretty sure this will all turn out to be the henna haired harridan's fault..." she added, jerking a thumb at Ranko.
"Who are you calling a harridan, amateur?" said Ranko, incensed.
"Amateur am I?" returned Akane through gritted teeth.
"Cousins," muttered Ranma, to himself, "Of course they're cousins... some things must run in the family, I guess."
"What was that, Saotome?" Ranko suddenly asked Ranma in a silken voice.
"Erhm... nothing..." Ranma replied lamely.
Akane picked the phone up, frowning all the while and punched the buttons in an incredibly complex sequence.
"Hello, yes," Akane said into the receiver, "This is Akane, Sir... There seems to be some sort of mix up here, Sir... Both contracts are approved..? Is he getting his wish twice then..? What do you mean she sent up a different wish..? Different contracts..? Sir, why would my contract be worded like that?! Ranko's staying here too..?"
"I'm WHAT?!?!" screamed Ranko, livid.
"She's what?!" Ranma roared simultaneously.
Akane continued to talk, "Yes, Sir, Ranko's still here. I'll put her on," she handed the phone to the redhead, "Here... He wants to talk to you."
Ranko grabbed the receiver, "What do you mean I'm staying?! I sent up the wish he wanted..! There has to be some sort of mistake..! What do you mean I made the mistake..!? He's a what..?!" she added in low tones, "Oh boy... But if it was an invalid wish anyway why are we still enforcing the contract? What do you mean you don't know?! Er... sorry, Sir... Yes, Sir... Yes, Sir... I understand that's how it works, Sir... Good bye, Sir. ARGH!!!" Ranko slammed the phone back onto its cradle.
"Well?" asked Ranma expectantly.
"Well... apparently you are receiving two wishes," replied Ranko, nervously.
"What wish are you talking about? I haven't even wished for anything. I was just about to send Akane back to Heaven without giving me the wish..."
"Well..." said Akane fighting off a blush, "You sort of wished you could spend the rest of your time with a girl like me... It was interpreted to mean you wanted to spend your time with... me."
"I... I... what?" sudden realization dawning on his face, "Oh..."
"...and now we have a contract which says I will be your companion... for the rest of your life. Um... He told me the contract is... um... sort of worded like a formal betrothal."
Ranma looked as though he were ready to faint, "Betrothal!? Betrothal? But it's not really a betrothal is it?"
"Um... there's no real need for us to marry or anything... it was just the wording," said Akane vaguely. Truth to tell... if she understood it correctly they were bound in such a way that
was even closer than any normal marriage...
"Okay... okay... " said Ranma, calming down slightly, "I think I can deal with that... what's this about another wish?"
"Er..." Ranko replied with obvious reluctance, "I sort of heard you saying that you... er wished you could be... er... agrlykmi."
"What was that? Slow down, Ranko, I didn't hear you. Wished I could be what?"
"Er... a girl like me."
"THAT'S THE OTHER WISH!!!?!?!?" roared Ranma.
"It's not my fault!" Ranko shot back.
In a fit of rage Ranma rushed forward and grabbed Ranko by her arms, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WANTED TO BE A GIRL?!?!?"
What rather surprised him was the fact that his voice came out a few octaves higher. He also noticed rather belatedly that he was now the same height as Ranko. Also... his balance
felt distinctly... odd. Eyes glazed in shock and not daring to look down, Ranma's hands moved to touch his chest.
Rather well rounded. Very distinctly female.
Ranko produced a small hand mirror from somewhere and showed it to Ranma. He looked at it uncomprehendingly. The reflection looking back at him wasn't the rugged good looks and
dark hair he'd become accustomed too. Rather it was Ranko's delicate features and red, red hair... He was now a she. This was waaaay too much. Ranma gave a full throated scream of horror before fainting dead away.
As he slumped to the floor, Akane turned a wry glance towards Ranko, "You could've handled that better you know."
"Oh shut up and wake him up. I still have to explain how it works."
Akane merely sighed. She knelt down next to Ranma, who now looked exactly like Ranko except for the shorter braid and the lack of facial markings, and gently slapped her face. "Wake
Ranma came to his senses after a few more slaps. "Ow. Stop that..." he said before realizing that his voice was now back to normal, "Hey, I'm not a woman, it was all just a bad dream..." he said happily, before noticing his current situation.
He was still on the floor, but Akane was now cradling his head somewhat. All in all not a bad position to be in if you're a man.
Long seconds passed while the two tried to sort out who ought to move first all the while Ranko stood to one side with a disgusted look on her face. "Will you two love birds stop that? Just help him get up--"
The door of the common room suddenly burst open revealing Ryoga and Mousse, followed by Gosunkugi and a few of the other dorm residents who didn't go home for vacation.
"I knew it! I knew you couldn't resist the temptation, Ranma!" said Ryoga pointing an accusing finger at him.
"You were warned, Saotome," said Mousse, "Your punishment will be most severe."
Gosunkugi didn't even bother making accusations. He simply pulled out a 35mm camera and started taking photos.
"Wait! It's not what it looks like really! I can explain!"
"Oh, really? Very well, then Saotome... I am curious as to how you intend to explain fact one," Mousse said holding up one finger, "Two women in the common room, after you'd been specifically instructed not to let them in anymore. Then there is fact two, " he continued, holding up a second finger. "The fact that you are on the floor of the common room wearing nothing but a towel, in the presence of the two aforementioned women," Ranma made a small strangled sound as he realized that he was indeed still wearing only his towel." Mousse held up a third finger, "And fact three: the fact that you are currently being held by one of these aforementioned women," Ranma and Akane both blushed as they realized their positions. Both scrambled to stand up. Mousse held up a fourth finger in triumph.
"And finally, fact four... we heard a scream of feminine anguish as we entered the dorm, no doubt you forcing yourself on the other lovely lady..." Ranko favored Mousse with a smile which caused his glasses to fog up, "Explain away that, Saotome. I dare you."
"Er... If you put it that way. This looks really bad doesn't it?" asked Ranma.
Most of the other dorm residents nodded their heads vigorously in agreement, that yes, indeed it looked really bad.
"I don't suppose we could overlook this..?"
"Enough talk, Ranma! Now take your punishment like a man! Expulsion from Greenwood!! Grab him!"
Within a matter of minutes, Ranma, Akane and Ranko were grabbed, man- (or woman-) handled and thrown out onto the street along with a small packed bag of Ranma's belongings.
Ryoga slammed shut the door with the final words, "We'll send you the rest of your stuff once you give us your new address!"
Ranma, still in the towel, looked around him in dismay. "Why is this happening to me?!" He asked the heavens.
"Bad karma?" offered Ranko with a grin.
"Let me in you jerks!!" cried Ranma, as he pounded on the door.
A small crowd of people had already gathered to watch the spectacle. Murmurs of "Isn't that Ranma?", "A towel?", "What a pervert!", "Nice tush though..." were already making
their way around.
"I'm really sorry about this Ranma," said Akane, hesitantly, "Um... maybe you should... er... put something on first before you catch cold..."
"What are you talking abou--?" asked Ranma as he glanced down, then around.
He gave a small strangled sound (sort of like an Aghk! only with more feeling) and ducked behind one of the trash cans.
"Hey!" he railed at the crowd, "Haven't you people got anything better to do?!"
As the people began to disperse, some shaking their heads at the state of the youth today and some with an occasional sidelong glance, even one person who took a snapshot, Ranma
asked Akane, "Uh... could you hand me some clothes from that bag?"
"Here..." offered Akane, doing her best not to look.
"Thanks," he said as he changed into his clothes, doing his best to keep the trash can between him and the two girls.
Ranko leaned to one side to get a better view of him as he put his pants on and muttered, "Hey, that lady was right, he does have a nice tush..."
"Ranko, stop that!" said Akane, acutely embarrassed for Ranma.
"Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Ranko said as Ranma finished getting dressed, "Basically... Ranma will turn into a girl if he comes too close to me."
"What?!" said the other two simultaneously. "Here, watch." She moved close to Ranma, nearly touching him and suddenly, without even a puff of smoke or a three minute long transformation sequence, Ranma had turned into a nearly exact twin of Ranko. Their only major difference was in the length of hair and the face marks. Ranma's clothes were now looser in some ways, but considerably tighter in others...
"Argh!!" said the now female Ranma, "Turn me back! Turn me back!"
"That's the other thing... you change back only when Akane touches you," Ranko said, now stepping back.
"When I what!?" asked Akane
"You've got to touch him."
Akane stood next to Ranma and touched the tip of her finger to his shoulder. Just as quickly as he'd been turned into a woman, he was a man again.
"See?" said Ranko, "Simple."
"Whose idea was this?" said Ranma, examining himself, more or less trying to make certain that all of his... ahem... parts were where they were supposed to be.
"I don't know. That's what was on the contract... or so Kami-sama said."
"Kami-sama?" asked Ranma.
"Yeah. On the phone, remember?"
"You're kidding, right?"
Both girls shook their heads.
"That was hi-- I mean, that was Him?"
Both girls nodded.
"Geez... I don't think you can get a higher authority than that, I guess," then Ranma brightened perceivably, "Well, that's simple then. If you just stay away from me, I don't have to worry about turning into a woman!"
"It's not quite that easy, Ranma," said Akane, "Neither of us can be separated from you... if you try to leave either of us permanently... let's just say bad things will happen.
"Oh great..." said Ranma, hanging his head, "No place to live and stuck with two goddesses, one of whom will give me an instant sex change if I stand to close to her."
Ranko looked faintly bored and Akane was still rather embarrassed by it all.
"Let me get this straight... you've got some sort of contract with me, right? Making sure that my wishes stay fulfilled?"
Akane nodded. "But one of the wishes was faulty right? Couldn't I just have that one annulled or something?"
"Well, you see Ranma, it's not that easy. Something happened when the Ygradsil System processed your request. My contract with you is inexorably linked to Ranko's contract with
"What she means, Saotome," interrupted Ranko, "Is that if you want to get rid of me, you have to get rid of her too..."
Ranma had to think about that. "So, how do I do that?"
"You have to break the contract... I'm not sure who did the wording, but I was told you have to break her heart to break that contract. That or if she wants to leave you and you let her."
Ranko had a sour face on. She was the goddess of affection. She knew perfectly well that this idiot human and her tomboy cousin were going to follow the dictates of their hearts. Damn.
Ranma gave a huge sigh. "Come on then you two. If I can't get rid of either of you, I've at least got to see about finding us a place to live," he picked up the bag and jerked his thumb down the road "My van's parked around the corner..."
The two goddesses shrugged and turned to follow him. As the three made their way down the curb, Ranma muttered to himself, "What else could go wrong..?"
Overhead, storm clouds rumbled ominously as though in answer.
To be continued....