Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters.

Story: My own humourous recap of series two episode one...

Arthur can't sleep, so calls for Merlin to make the big, scary noise go away. And then to come back and cuddle up with him in bed. But we don't see that part, sadly. Anyway, Merlin pootles on down to the cave things in his cute Merlin fashion, and understandably shits himself a little bit when he sees all these big strong burly men running away like little girls.

Then he sees a freaky dead guy and the entire audience shits themselves.

MERLIN: I want Arthur! *cries*

Cut to credits...

MERLIN: How do you think he died?

GAIUS: Ooh, pretty blue crystal, me want.

MERLIN: Gaius?

GAIUS: Oh, er, don't know. Freaky place though. They need to work on their interior design.

Merlin saves Gaius's life from a booby trap, just as Uther and Arthur show up to check out the loot. And the dead guy.

ARTHUR: Were you born clumsy, Merlin, or do you work at it?

MERLIN: I know you're just pretending like we're not lovers cause Uther is here, so I'll play along.

UTHER: Wow! Check out the treasure! I'm richer than I thought! I can buy all the whores I want!

ARTHUR: Okay Dad, ew.

UTHER: Okay Arthur, it's your job to guard all this junk.

ARTHUR: What? Dad! No fair. *pouts*

Meanwhile in a pub, the slimy Cedric, played by Mackenzie Crook (appropriate last name here) is planning to steal the big shiny blue stone. To steal it however, Cedric needs the keys, which Arthur keeps in his chambers. And of course, the only person allowed in Arthur's chambers is Merlin! At this point however, the Bradley James fangirls are too busy screaming about him being topless to take in this information...

So Cedric proceeds to spy on the two and begins Operation Clotpole – make Merlin look bad to get closer to Arthur. He sets it up to make it look like Merlin hasn't sorted Arthur's horse out, and rescues the horse for Arthur. Cedric – 1 Merlin – 0.

MERLIN: Who is this slimy bastard and why are his hands all over my prince?

Meanwhile, Gaius with nothing better to do, goes to inspect the treasure more closely. Back to Merlin and Arthur, and Arthur is strolling through a beautiful flowery forest, which would be quite picturesque if he weren't about to start hunting. Merlin kills a big hairy beast with his magic, Cedric takes the credit for it. Cedric – 2 Merlin – 0.

Merlin comes home to Gaius depressed that Arthur might not love him anymore.

MERLIN: So who's this Sigan bloke?

GAIUS: Merlin! He was the most powerful sorcerer to have lived.

MERLIN: Not for long though *smirks*

GAIUS: He got too powerful, the king made sure he snuffed it, but supposedly he wanted to defeat death. He might have put a bit of himself into that blue stone.

MERLIN: Like a Horcrux? Sounds like Harry Potter to me...

GAIUS: What's Harry Potter?

MERLIN: Never mind.

Gaius goes to see Uther.

GAIUS: Sire, I want to seal up the burial chamber and all its contents. Sigan might come back and he's real scary.

UTHER: No way! Don't give in to irrational fears, Gaius.

GAIUS: Oh, I'm the one who has irrational fears? *facepalm*

Finally, Morgana makes an appearance. Looking model beautiful as always, she twists restlessly on her bed, before waking with an impressive scream. Gwen comes running in to hug and comfort her.

Morning comes, and Merlin comes to bring food to Arthur (like father like son, these two seem to spend half their time eating), but Cedric is already there, the git. Three nil to Cedric.

MERLIN/ARTHUR FANGIRLS: Arthur you bastard! Can't you see when you're being conned!

Sat on her bed in an enviously pretty dress, Morgana is explaining her evil raven dream to Gaius. She's become a little unhinged after so many terrifying nightmares, poor girl. Gaius says he'll get Gwen to give Morgana something stronger, which prompts me to wonder how Gwen got to Morgana so fast the previous night – did she sleep in the castle nearby?

Whilst Merlin is mucking out the horses, Cedric knocks him out with some gas and the warlock falls right in some dung. Poor boy. Cedric then lets all the horses out. Arthur, looking suave in blue velvet, is not best pleased.

MERLIN: Eh? What's going on?

ARTHUR: Where are the horses Merlin! You keep making mistakes!

MERLIN: *looking heartbreakingly tearful* I don't understand!

CEDRIC: I can take over...if he's tired.

MERLIN: NO! I'm not tired! You're a clotpole Arthur!

Four nil to Cedric, as Merlin leaves, all tearful. You suck Cedric! Merlin arrives home, all angsty teenager "I don't want to talk about it so leave me alone" type thing. Cue the best line of the episode from Merlin for pure slashness, and I'm actually quoting here – "I just want Arthur to trust me. And to see me for who I really am. Everything I do is for him, and he just thinks I'm an idiot." Once Merlin has got over this, Gaius tells him that he's translated the inscription he was looking at earlier and it turns out the blue thing is the soul of Sigan. So, it is a Horcrux :)

Topless Arthur commences to put his key away again. Cedric nicks it. He starts by nicking small fry before getting to the big prize. Nice swag bag I can't help but notice at this point. He makes to prise out the big daddy of the crystals and the soul makes its way into his body, leaving him with black irises.

Merlin wakes up after an erotic dream about Arthur, er I mean, after the magic calls to him. He realises Cedric took the crystal by process of deduction and goes to tell Arthur, who as per, does not believe him.

MERLIN: Cedric is possessed, by an evil spirit.

ARTHUR: Merlin, have you been on the cider?

MERLIN: I'm telling the truth goddamnit! Listen to me!

ARTHUR: Cedric, escort the nutter out of here.

At this point, Merlin and Cedric get into a hilarious scuffle while Arthur does that disbelieving eyebrow raise thing. Merlin gets shoved into the cells. As per.

Night falls, and Cedric/Sigan kits himself out in some raven feathers, just in case we didn't believe he had returned. With some freaky powerful magic he brings some giant gargoyles to life that I don't think were ever even in Camelot until this episode, conveniently. Gwen is walking, we presume home, in a hot purple cloak and dress when one appears to attack her. She screams, runs. So as per it is the job of Arthur and his knights to kill them, cause Uther is a lazy sod.

Gwen and Morgana are nursing the sick (stereotypical gender roles, anyone...?)

Merlin uses the old tospringe to break out the cell, why he didn't do this earlier is anyone's guess, but now he's free to go save Camelot again, at least.

Now for the bit which annoys me the most out of the episode *grits teeth*. In saving Arthur from the creature's grasp, Gwen just so happens to push him to the ground and end up on top of him, her cleavage in his face. It's not so much the Gwen/Arthur I object to, but the cheesy and lame way in which it is done. Ag. She then proceeds to tend to his wound. CLICHED!!!

Anyhoo, Merlin goes to visit the dragon for some advice on how to beat old feather face.

DRAGON: To defeat Sigan, you will need a super powerful spell. I'll give you it if you promise to set me free one day.

MERLIN: Fine, I promise

Merlin is dragon-breathed and gets the spell, apparently. Meanwhile, Arthur and his ever dwindling knights are not faring so well, so it's about time really that Merlin shows up. Merlin crumbles one and runs to check if his prince is alright, but then feather beak arrives.

MERLIN: I won't let you hurt him!

CEDRIC/SIGAN: Don't make me laugh boy!

Weirdly enough Cedric/Sigan starts spouting on about how hurt poor Merlin must be to love Arthur and be rejected so suddenly. But he then goes back into the standard evil lines of "think how powerful you could be".

MERLIN: Better to serve a good man than to rule with an evil one!

So Sigan's soul makes for Merlin's body but Merlin uses the spell the dragon gave him. Gaius shows up at this point.

GAIUS: Merlin?

MERLIN: *looks mysterious, surrounded by fog*

GAIUS: eep.

MERLIN: *smiles* Gaius! How's it going!

So at last, after Camelot was almost destroyed and Arthur nearly died, Uther decides he should probably seal up Sigan's tomb with the stone back inside. Dumbass.

UTHER: I was still totally right Gaius. Magic is evil. We need to renew our efforts, ensure all sorcerers are killed.

GAIUS: *shifty eyes* Yes sire.

Arthur comes to see Merlin (aww).

ARTHUR: I've not forgotten that you called me a clotpole...but there was some truth to what you said.

MERLIN: You're admitting I was right? *perks up*

ARTHUR: Nope. I just need a servant at my beck and call, and you're the best man for the job. Here's my armour to clean.

MERLIN: All of it?

ARTHUR: Yup! But when you're done...you can come by my chambers later. *strides off looking pleased with himself*

GAIUS: Merlin?

MERLIN: Yes?

GAIUS: You'll probably be wanting this *hands him a jar of Vaseline*