Love and Pain and the Whole Damn Thing

By: pronker

Rated: PG

Era: The Clone Wars, two days after the Invisible Hand incident

Disclaimer: I am not George Lucas, no money is being made from this fanfiction.

Summary: Padmé, Anakin and Obi-Wan face a crisis, each according to their personality.

Author's Note: This story, along with first "Pillow Talk" and then "Armor", is standalone in a very loosely constructed series, now concluded. An Obidala offering, though others are in the cast. An all conversation fic, which received Mod's Choice award on the Obidala Fanfic Forum for their 9th challenge: "Jealous Padmé". There is an illustration for this fic on my LJ, linked on my ffn profile page.




"Why are you here?"

"What are you doing here at this hour?"

"Who is it this early, Ob--- Oh, Anakin, come in."

"Padmé, what is going on?"


"Anakin, there's something that you should know."

"I think I know already, Master."

"It just happened, I swear it on your Knighthood. She and I were on a diplomatic junket to Alderaan and Bail, that is, Senator Organa, threw a reception for us. He and I have been closer since the Zigoola aff-mission. The party was quite ornate, plus it was one of those planetary holidays they have all the time, you know, erm, in the Force, it seemed right to celebrate --- "

"Friends, I thought that you two were simply friends and that Alderaan mission was two seasons ago. Why are you here now?"

"Because once you start, it's not so easy to stop. I mean, did you?"

"Shut up!"

"Anakin, don't blame Obi-Wan. I began things --- don't look so hurt --- it was just temporary, but well, convenient. And you are gone so much."

"Master, how could you? After we had dinner together in the refectory, you said you were too tired to make love --- oopsadaisy."

"What? What did you say, Anakin?"

"You brought that up on purpose, Anakin."

"You know me so well, Obi-Wan."

"So I'm second choice for last night, Master Jedi?"

"When you said I could come over, you were very definitely my first choice, as I proved to you on the veranda. You are my one true love, of the female persuasion, Padmé. Those others, those others don't count."

"What others?"

"Others. Jedi others, without attachments ... You wouldn't understand, it's not your fault, you simply wouldn't --- "

"Stars' End, what goes on in that Temple?"

"Erm, yes, I mean to say, how did you think I came to do it so well? Practice, my dear, decades of it. Master Qui-Gon saw to my Jedi education in every possible way."


"Now, Angel, don't get upset, it's not good for you --- "

"Padmé, you're not looking well, come, let me help you --- "

"I'll do it, I'm her husband --- "

"Get out of my way, you're going to make me drop her!"

"Let go of her, she's mine!"


"Are you in pain, darling? Did I injure you last night? I was quite overtaken by your charms. Let me put some pillows at your back."


"I suppose you had to have thirds like you always do, Master Sex Fiend. And now you've hurt my ba--- "

"Gentlemen, send Threepio for an airtaxi. It's time."

"Threepio! Threepio!"

"Check the back of this complex, he's got to be here someplace, watch out, Padawan, I mean Anakin, don't trip over the --- never mind. Eh, he's running around like a doiseybird without a head. Anakin shall be of little use to you in this crisis, Padmé. Allow me to assist you. Practice your breathing as the med-droid coached you and don't be afraid. I'll be here for you."

"Whuff. Whuff."

"That's it, dear."

"Whuff. What do you ... ugh ... know about all this?"

"I have attended a human birth or two. Master Qui-Gon saw to my Jedi education --- "

"Did he, now? Did he ever have a child himself, as you're about to?"




"Don't mind me. I'm just the mother, after all. Whuff."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you tell me about you and Anakin?"

"It was none of your concern."

"So's this none of yours. Whuff."

"We've got to protect Anakin."

"Yes. I don't want to hurt him. I didn't think he'd mind so much about us. Whuff. Didn't Shmi have boyfriends after he was born?"

"He's never told me much about Shmi's past, but he seems ... unreasonably attached to the concept of marriage. I assure you, I didn't teach him that."

"Whuff. Why is this happening ... whuff ... so fast? I thought I had hours to go for a first time. Whuff."

"Well, when in doubt, blame the Force. I always do."

"Threepio! Threepio! Kriffit! THREEPIO!"

"Ugh, I've made a mess. This sofa is ruined. Whuff."

"I'm putting your legs on my shoulders, keep them up best you can here I'll help you with the Force ... now relax them outwards, that's it ... what the kriff."

"Mnnngh ... whuff ... wh-what? What is it? Whuff!"

"You must try more diligently, dear. I can see the top of the wee head."

"This ... is ... hard ... whuff ... "

"I have confidence in you, Padmé. You are stronger than you think you are."



"Where ... is Ani ... whuffwhuffwhuff ..."

"He is drawing near like a roaring thundersprite, I can Sense his approach ... you're doing beautifully, you're almost there ... I'll do the catch ...



"THREEPIOOOOOooo ... oh."


"Anakin, kneel behind the sofa to support her shoulders. The situation is under control, don't look like that. We have a son."

"Murglemuffuggghn ... ugh ... ick ... ick. Oh. Oh. Oh."

"Master, what's ... that?"

"The afterbirth. It's the stage that wasn't portrayed in the holovids that the med-droids gave you two to watch, I'll wager."

"C-Cut it ... the cord ... "

"There's no need right away, Padmé. And I see you're not quite done."


"Angel, I'm so sorry to have done this to you, I'll understand if you n-never want me to touch you again ouch my hand it must be sympathetic labor pains --- "

"Padamé, um Padawan, erm, I mean Anakin, stop bawling. Padmé, you'll break Anakin's real fingers don't squeeze so hard, you're an old pro at this now, push darling, yes --- "


"A, a girl, too? Padmé, my sweet Padmé, mmmm kiss me ... oh, yes, baby."

"Hand me that pillow and those two antimacassars. Don't be alarmed, I'm going to snick the cords with my lightsaber. There. And I thought you weren't going to touch her again?"

"I lied. I learned it from you."

*wail* *wail*

"Gentlemen ... "

"Yes, anything dear, whatever you want ... "

"Yes, I'm right here, Angel ... "

"Introduce me."

"Padmé, this is my --- our --- son. Look at him, big for a preemie, isn't he?"


"Dear Padme, mother of our daughter, may I present her to you. Isn't she elegantly petite?"

"Leia. Why are you both looking at me like that? You, you know who each belongs to?"

"Blame it on the Force. It's what we always do."


The End.

PS. This wavered onto soap opera with very little prodding, but the premise of one twin belong to one father and one belonging to another is fact. A rare fact, but fact.

Title is from "Love and Pain and the Whole Damn Thing", a thoroughly charming movie with Maggie Smith and Timothy Bottoms; be in awe at their range as actors, from Smith's Minerva McGonagall in Harry Potter movies to Bottoms' President George W. Bush in "That's My Bush!" to these two roles of theirs from 1973.

And in omnisexual Jedi-land, everyone lived happily ever after, even Threepio, who was found eventually, having been taking an extended oil bath with his showercap covering his audio receptors. Palpatine's leverage over Anakin faded as Anakin realized that being a parent was self-validating enough and his ego didn't need any more fluffing. There was some Sithly trouble over this, but after a while it straightened itself out.