FML Contest

Title: Don't Mess With Mother Nature

Pen name: yogacat

Characters: Bella

Disclaimer: SM owns it. I have nothing. Oh, this is my first Twi fic, too.

To see the rest of the entries in this contest, please visit the FML C2

http://www . fanfiction . net/community/FML_Contest_Fics/77195/ (remove spaces for link to work)


***The National Weather Service out of Jacksonville has issued a hurricane Watch for the entire eastern coast of Florida***

Renee turned down the radio. We had been listening to those annoying alarms and announcements for what seemed like an eternity. The noise—and the fact that it had taken us almost three fucking hours to get to the damn airport—was going to split my skull. I rubbed my eyes until I saw spots floating in front of them.

I banged my head back against the car seat and groaned, "Fuck, this is so gonna suck."

"Bella, honey, just relax. You're not going to get anywhere faster by getting all wound up," my mother, the eternal optimist, said. Had she not just experienced the traffic from her driveway to the airport? Did she not see all these nutjobs trying to get out of here? I'm sure she didn't even realize what kind of shit storm was about to take place.

It was the end of spring break, the middle of spring training, and Hurricane Alice was taking her time wandering around the Atlantic. There were people all over the place and most of them, at the moment, were trying to get the fuck out of Florida. Granted, Jacksonville was not as hot a vacation destination as Cancun or Miami, but there was enough going on to make it seem like the center of the universe.

I bounced my head against the seat again and blew out a gust of air. "I'm sorry, Mom, I just hate travelling to begin with and this… just doesn't look like it's going to be any fun. But I promise I will try to keep my cool and just stay mellow."

Renee reached over and rubbed my shoulder. "Bella, honey, it is what you make of it."

I love my mother…I love my mother…I love my mother... Where did she come up with this shit? I shook my head like a dog trying to get water out of its ears.

Okay, this was probably not going to be the easiest trip back home, but I wasn't going to let it ruin the fact that I had actually had a pretty good time with Renee and Phil, even if I hadn't seen much of him during my visit. Spring break was over and I wanted to keep my little vacation high going for as long as I could. For two weeks Renee hadn't given me any crap about school, my job, or my social life. She even let it slide that I had gotten a few tattoos. She must have found a new way to "transcend her distractions," as she liked to call it. Maybe if I could channel her calm, I could make it home without being a danger to myself or others.

We finally got close enough to the arrival gate that I could actually get out of the car and at least walk off some energy.

Renee hugged me. "Bella, be safe and call me when you get home, okay?"

"I will, and I had a really nice time. It was good to see you guys."

She looked at me skeptically. "No, I mean it; I really needed these last two weeks." I kissed her quickly before the parking police had a chance to chase her away. I grabbed my duffel bag and backpack and was on my way into the madness.

I took a deep breath and the doors that led to the gates of airline hell slid open before me. Okay, it was actually not so bad. I could, in fact, see the desk where I had to check my bag. There was a line, but it wasn't awful. I made my way through the crowd, looking down to make sure my ticket was in my hand. When I looked up, I ran right into a broad, well-tailored back and fell directly on my ass. Well-Tailored Guy turned his head, uttered a quick "sorry," and continued on his way.

Asshole couldn't even help me up.

I made sure everything was intact and proceeded to get in line. I looked up at the screens displaying arrival and departure times… so far, so good. Only a few delays and they were headed south. I let myself relax a bit and took in the controlled chaos that surrounded me. I noticed a dark suit a few spots in front of me. Well-Tailored Guy had taken off his jacket and draped it elegantly over his arm. He did have nice strong shoulders, and maybe I could forgive him for knocking me down because his ass was just… yum.

Hmmm, I thought. Perhaps I could use him to occupy myself as I stood in line. I looked him up and down and decided that although his ass was very nice, his hair, which stood in stark contrast to everything else about him that was so put together, was a sexy, tousled mess of brown, red, and gold. My fingers twitched, wanting to bury themselves deep within it. I wondered if I could sneak up a few spots and get behind him, but then I noticed he seemed to be having a similar effect on almost everyone around him. Was he giving off some kind of aroma, radiating a secret power?

The two women in front of me were giggling and pretending to pinch this poor guy's ass… that behavior was just so uncool.

Huh. Okay Bella, behave. And just as I was beginning to reclaim my dignity, this man who was so distracting from behind turned and looked at the two women in front of me.

Holy fucking shit.

The saliva pooled in my mouth, and I had to suck it back to keep myself from drooling. He must have heard the slurping sound I was making, because his gaze turned to me, and fuck, it was like a bolt of lightning shot through me and knocked me over. As if he could read my mind, he cast a slow, lazy grin that melted my insides. I swallowed. I wanted to look away but I couldn't. His green eyes held mine with such power, and his knowing smile grew. I felt trapped, and I could feel my blood boiling.

contest. Totally genious. Shit… He fucking made me blush. I never blushed. Dammit, now I was pissed.

No way was he going to get away with that shit with me. I crossed my arms under my breasts and pushed them up a bit to give me a little more leverage. I quirked one eyebrow as I met his gaze. You're on, Mr. Happybutt.

I could feel his surprise at my boldness as he licked his lips and bit down on them. I tried not to snort, and I may have spit. Thankfully, I didn't think he saw that display of feminine grace, because he had turned and was now leaning on the ticket counter, flexing those butt muscles. I closed my eyes then looked again. Yup, I could tell he was using his "powers" of persuasion by the way he flexed.

I wasn't sure what was going on, but the ticket agent was shaking his head as he looked at the computer monitor.

"Next."

Apparently, I wasn't paying attention to anything other than Mr. Happybutt. The two women who had been in front of me were gone, and I was up.

"Two forms of ID, please," the ticket agent demanded. I gave her my passport and driver's license, along with my e-ticket. I was trying really hard not to pay attention to what was going on with Mr. Happybutt, but it wasn't easy.

"Isabella Swan?"

Oh. "Um, yes, that's me." I obviously was not paying attention to her.

She gave me an annoyed glance and looked over at Mr. Happybutt. "Excuse me for one moment, Ms. Swan." She walked over to the blushing ticket agent who was trying to help Mr. Happybutt and pointed to the monitor while explaining something. The blushing guy was nodding and clicking away on his keyboard.

I could barely overhear "…Yes, if we move her, then he could…"

Fuck me. They were moving people around so Mr. Happybutt could what? I didn't even want to know. It was like he had tits or something. They both looked up at him at the same time, like proud puppies.

I cleared my throat to see if I could garner some attention, and all three of them turned and looked at me.

My ticket agent seemed slightly embarrassed. "Oh, I am sorry Ms. Swan. I'll be right with you."

Mr. Happybutt shot me a crooked grin and mouthed, "Ms. Swan?"

A sly smile spread across my face. Yeah, what of it, big boy?

He raised his eyebrow and and his grin spread, making it really hard for me to keep my composure.

My ticket agent turned to Mr. Happybutt, patted his arm -yes, she touched him. I was not pleased one bit about that.

"I'm so glad we could help you, Sir. Have a wonderful trip, and please let us know if there is anything else we can do for you." She smiled, and there was an extra swing in her hips as she walked back toward me.

A few more smiles and Mr. Happybutt was on his way, ticket in hand. But not before he pointedly turned back to me, and… Please don't wink; I hate that shit. It's so smarmy… He winked.

Fuck. Fate sealed.

Honestly, if I had to admit it, I was a little disappointed. I guess I was hoping for more. I wonder why? Now I really was going to have to hate him.

I checked my duffel, got my boarding pass, and sailed through security for a change. I noticed that a few of the TSA agents were atwitter about some incredibly handsome dude and his very large feet. I rolled my eyes and sighed. It had to be him. Why did I have the feeling he was going to haunt me?

I grabbed some food on the way to the gate. The damn storm alerts started up again, and I wondered where fucking Alice was now. I followed my ears to the source of the blaring annoyance. The weatherman said that although Hurricane Alice was still far enough from the coast and it looked like her path was going to take her well below Jacksonville, bands of bad weather were starting to make their way ashore, and people should be prepared to take cover. Great, tornadoes are my personal favorite. You could see hurricanes coming. I could even handle earthquakes, but tornadoes, with their unpredictability and unbridled fury, freaked me the fuck out, I wondered where exactly I could take cover in an airport. I truly hoped this plane would get off the ground before I was trapped here for god knows how long, and with god knows who.

I made my way to the gate, finding a cozy seat by the window. It was probably not my sharpest move, but at least I could keep an eye on the sky, which was starting to look ominous. . I was starting to get nervous, and I had to force myself to eat. As unappetizing as airport food was- if it was going to be a long day, or maybe even days, I needed nourishment, such as it was.

I noticed people congregating around the gate in animated discussion. I shook the crumbs off my shirt and got up to see what the ruckus was about, making sure not to leave my bags unattended. I peeked around and saw the sign.

Seattle/Tacoma……………Delayed

I rubbed my eyes until I saw stars—hey, it's supposed to stimulate endorphins or something like that—and slowly opened one eye. Fuck me; it still said "Delayed."

I looked at the board that listed the flights; slowly they were all changing to "Delayed." My stomach dropped like I was going downhill on a rollercoaster.

I felt like Pris in Blade Runner when she was dying… Best tantrum ever by the way.

*** May I have your attention please. The National Weather Service out of Jacksonville has issued a Tornado Warning for Duval County and all surrounding counties. This warning includes the Jacksonville International Airport. No flights will arrive or depart until further notice. Please follow the signs that will direct you to the nearest emergency shelter area. There will be airport personnel stationed throughout the building to direct you. ***

At least there were no sirens. I looked out the window. Fuck. The sky had turned that ugly black-green color that signified an imminent shit storm was about to drop from the sky. Okay, now I was pretty sure I was going to hurl. I had seen enough disaster TV on the Weather Channel to be seriously freaked out. I very efficiently retrieved my backpack and looked for a flashing sign or the closest airport personnel to direct me to safety.

I found a little nook in one of the designated hallways in the center of the building… near the bathroom, just in case. I leaned against the wall, taking in the others around me. Babies were crying. Lucky me. No one else looked really put out. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad. I slid down to the floor, my knees bent in front of me. Rummaging through my backpack, I found my phone, thinking I could call Renee. Signal, Bella, I don't think so. Oh, but I did notice that my battery was low. Sweet, that will probably come back to bite me sometime in the future.

I was usually pretty good at gutting my way through shit, but I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed. I don't know if it was being alone with a bunch of crying babies and smelly strangers, being trapped in a concrete building with Alice bearing down on me, or just the threat of the tornado threatening to wipe out the whole of existence, but I had a feeling that I was going to lose it. I pulled up my hoodie, buried my face in my knees, and curled up. I felt an unfamiliar tightness in my throat and my lower lip began to quiver as tears tried to force their way out of my scrunched-up eyes. I rocked myself gently, trying to come up with something to distract my pathetically panicked brain. Mmmmm, thick crazy brown hair, nice expressive butt, beautiful face… Mr. Happybutt would do.

I fell asleep dreaming of a warm, melodic voice calling my name.

"Isabella?"

I grunted. No one had called me that since I was little. But there it was again- soft, gentle, soothing. "Isabella?"

My eyes were crusted shut from crying, and I couldn't open them to see who was singing my name. I slowly raised my head and rubbed my eyes trying to remove the gook that was holding them shut. My vision was blurry as I tried to focus on the shape in front of me. It looked human, with bright green eyes and full, pouty lips uttering my name again, a bit more forcefully this time.

"Isabella, wake up."

How did he know my name? Why was he crouched in front of me, looking worried? Shit, am I dreaming or are we dead? Fucking tornadoes.

I focused on the greenness in front of me.

"Are you Isabella Swan?"

I nodded my head trying to shake the sleep out of it.

I cleared my throat. "Bella," I finally got out. "What's wrong and how do you know who I am?"

He smiled and it was so soft and warm, I wanted to reach out and touch it.

"They're paging you; I think they want everyone to check in at their gate since the all clear was given."

"Shit, how long have I been asleep?"

"I'm not sure; it's been three hours since the warning. I think they are trying to get some flights out before the weather gets any worse."

I still couldn't see clearly. He reached out with his hand and tilted my face up. "You've been crying."

Jesus, what was it about this guy? I felt my face burning and tried to turn away from him. I shrugged. "I guess I'm a bit stressed and don't really do all that well with tornadoes," I said, still trying to hide my face. But he wouldn't let me.

"Here, this should help. Hold still." He reached up and I could feel his gaze on me. Ugh, could my face feel any hotter? Could he be any more confident? His thumb grazed my cheek and my face instinctively leaned into his palm. Bella, stop it. Remember the hate? But I didn't feel any of that.

"Close your eyes," he whispered. He gently rubbed his thumbs across them, pulling the sleep crusties out of the corners. I blinked a few times, his entire face coming into focus.

"Thanks, um…."

"Edward—and anytime, Bella," he said with a soft smile.

I looked into his eyes and couldn't help but return it. Man, this guy was affecting me and I wasn't sure I liked it.

***American Airlines paging passenger Isabella Swan, please return to gate… ***

That interrupted our little interlude. "Hey, I'd better go." I tore my eyes away from his and gathered my stuff. We both stood. I looked up at him; shit, he was tall, but not too… If I just stood on my toes I could… Jesusfuckingchrist, someone slap me hard, please.

"Edward, thanks, really, for finding me and um… everything. Just… thanks." Fuck, I'm bashful? When the fuck did that happen? I had to get away from this guy before I turned into a complete wuss.

"It's okay Bella; you're hard not to miss." He winked. Motherfuck. He shifted his messenger bag and pushed his way in through the door behind me. I looked over my shoulder to see MEN posted on the door as it swung shut.

*** American Airlines paging passenger Isabella…***

"Yeah, yeah," I muttered, shaking my head. "I'm coming."

I ran to the gate to find out we'd be boarding in fifteen minutes. Just enough time to give myself a whore's bath. I ran back to the women's room and washed my face, pits and pubes, changed my tee shirt, because I reeked, and ran back to the gate, just as the plane was loading up.

Everything went smoothly. Everyone got on, and I was sitting in the second row of the economy section. We were in the air in a matter of minutes. Maybe my luck was changing. I could get off the plane and make my connection without having to break the sound barrier. I already had a long layover in Dallas, so hopefully this would work out.

I settled into my seat and tried to relax. Unfortunately, my ears honed in on a conversation and I couldn't stop listening. I don't know how many rows back he was, but this man was not using his inside voice.

"…so I got a call from Jeff tellin' me one of his cows was down. It was two in the mornin', but I rushed right over. Sure enough, she had a huge boil on her udder and she was probably septic. I lanced the boil and…"

iPod, where is my fucking iPod? I rifled through my backpack and thankfully the battery was not low. I had to get a look at this guy, I mean seriously, people should not be allowed to talk about that shit in public. I leaned around my seat only to see what looked like a body builder who'd had too much Red Bull. Okay, Bella, just leave that one alone. I took a deep breath, put in my ear buds and found something loud to listen to.

It was a short flight to Dallas and I made my connection with a few seconds to spare. Sadly, I did not have enough time to pick up a bottle of water, and the Dixie cup the flight attendant had allotted me was not quenching my thirst. I was sitting toward the front of the commoners' section again and noticed that the passengers in first-class had bottles of water. I politely waited until the flight attendant passed by.

"Excuse me," I said in my calm voice, "Would it be possible for me to purchase a bottle of water?"

She leaned over and in a hushed voice asked, "Like the kind they have in first class?"

"Yes, please." I was a bit confused. Was this a secret?

She leaned in a little closer and said, "No."

"No?" I smiled; I just had to.

"No, those are complimentary for our first-class passengers only."

"But I would be willing to pay for one," I tried, knowing this was not going to work.

She looked very sincere and serious, although I'm not sure how. "I am very sorry ma'am, but would you like another cup of water?"

Deep, deep breath, Bella. Don't make a scene on the plane; they'll arrest you for something. Just calm the fuck down.

"Yes, please, that would be lovely," I uttered through clenched teeth. I banged my head on my tray table.

"Your water." The flight attendant looked at me like I was nuts.

Luckily, the flight wasn't that long. I figured I could last without dying. I drank my water and tried not to seethe. I put my ear buds back in, thinking maybe I could get in a quick nap.

I felt something cold touching my arm. I opened one eye and looked up. No fucking way, Bella, close your mouth!

"I heard you were thirsty," Edward said with a smirk.

I took the bottle from him, and he spun and returned to his seat in first class without giving me time to say thanks. Okay. I wasn't going to think about anything anymore. At least he didn't wink.

As we made our approach over Seattle, the pilot informed us it was raining—actually, "pouring buckets" was the term he used. The landing was bumpy and it took forever to get to the terminal.

***Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to rainy Seattle. As a special welcome, the folks at Sea-Tac have kindly provided us with a ladder with which to de-plane and a lovely walk in the rain. In all seriousness, please take the stairs slowly and follow the yellow line into the terminal. Thank you for flying with us today, and we hope your trip was a good one. ***

Rain. I could handle rain, even buckets of it. It's just a ton of wet, really. I strapped on my pack and pulled up my hoodie. Everyone in front of me was gone. I made it to the stairs, and—are you kidding? It wasn't just pouring buckets; it was like Hurricane Alice had followed us to Seattle. I spotted the yellow line, so I had a clue where to go, because there was no one left outside. Okay Bella, slowly down the stairs, one at a time. I was soaked and cold before my feet hit the ground.

I followed the yellow line, my head down because I couldn't see through the rain anyway. I made it to an entryway, shook off my hood, and wiped the water from my eyes. I was dripping, and apparently not in the right place. Had I followed the wrong yellow line? I had only seen one. I was in a small room, with no stairs, no people, just a white steel door. On the door there was a big sign painted in red that said: ENTER ONLY. Okay, I can do that. I reached for the silver knob and looked around one more time. Oh. Shit, another sign. Above the door there was a sign that said in bold red letters: DO NOT ENTER. I started banging my head on the metal door. I was going to need a helmet soon.

There really was no choice. No one was around to ask. I was not going back outside where Alice was waiting for me, and there would be no one around to ask, either. No guts, no glory. I reached for the doorknob, turned and pushed the door open. I peeked in. It was a large, mostly empty room. There were huge neon lights across the very high ceiling, lockers lining the walls, and large folding tables and chairs scattered about. It looked like a break room or something. I stepped in and the door slammed shut behind me, and there was an echoing silence. For a minute all I heard was my breathing and the voice in my head saying fuckfuckfuckfuck. Everything was still and I was sure I was alone until I heard what sounded like something moving back and forth, scratching the floor. It was kind of rhythmic. I took a few more steps into the room, looking for the source of the noise, hoping for someone to help me. Instead I was confronted with one large hairy ass banging away at someone bent over a table. SHIT.

In an attempt to tear my eyes away from the spectacle in front of me, I spun around. But I couldn't escape the moans and groans, and…

"Oh, Officer Emmett, you know how to do me, baby; yes, right there. Fuck me, baby."

Officer Emmett let out a groan. "Special Agent Hale, you feel so good, so wet, shit yesssssss."

I could hear the table beginning to move faster, frantically across the floor.

"Harder, Emmett, uh, uh, uh fuuuuck meee, yes, yes, yes, yes!"

"Rose, fuck, now baby, noooooow!

I quietly snuck back to the door and turned the knob. It was locked. Completely mortified, I just stood still facing the door, waiting for them to be, um, done.

I heard a woman clearing her throat. "McCarty, I think we have company."

Shit, she sounded very authoritative. I turned to face them. My new ability to blush was getting lots of practice. I couldn't even look at them. "Um, sorry, they let us off the plane and it was raining and…"

Officer McCarty was tightening his belt and approaching me slowly. I noticed a shiny badge over his left pocket. This was not going to be good.

"Can you read signs?" His voice boomed out at me.

"Yes, it said ENTER ONLY on the door." This time I looked him in the eye when I spoke, because that's what it said on the door.

Special Agent Hale was smoothing her skirt as she said, "It also says DO NOT ENTER, does it not?" She was glaring at me as she pulled on a jacket with an FBI patch over her very large breast. I groaned and didn't say anything. I had a really bad feeling about this.

Officer McCarty muttered something into the radio that was hooked onto his shoulder. He looked up at me. "Your backpack, please, and any ID you may have, now."

"Um, my ID is in my backpack- can I get it out?" Okay, this time I was surely going to puke. I had never really been in trouble. I had had a few parking tickets, but that was it. And I grew up in a small town where my dad was THE cop, so he was the only one I ever had to deal with. I was in way over my head. Keep your mouth shut, Bella, and just do what they say.

They both pointed to the closest table. I put my backpack on it and reached into the front pocket to pull out my wallet. I just gave the whole thing to them since my hands were shaking.

Officer McCarty pulled out my driver's license. "Isabella Swan?"

"Yes."

"What was the purpose of your trip?"

"I was returning from spring vacation. I went to visit my mother in Jacksonville, Florida." My voice trembled.

He mumbled into his radio again. I don't know how they understood him. I was standing next to him and couldn't hear him.

Special Agent Hale stood behind him and reached for my pack, which she quickly went through, and then shook her head at her partner.

"Ms. Swan, we're going to have to take you to Security. You have violated several local and federal laws. Please come with us," she sneered at me, with a little glimmer in her eyes. She was enjoying this. This was probably what started their little romp in the first place. Bitch.

"Are you arresting me?" Please say no, please.

Her sneer grew. "Yes, the question is what the charges will be."

I glanced at the table where their previous activity had taken place. Big mistake. She shook her head and grabbed one of my arms while Officer McCarty took the other, and they led me out of the large room and down a long hall.

We reached a smaller room with other uniformed personnel inside. Officer McCarty opened the door and Special Agent Hale lead me through to a chair next to a desk. She nodded toward the chair and I sat quietly.

After several rounds of questioning by each of them and a thorough search of my backpack, the two of them left for a conference room with other the agents, leaving me alone with one guard. I was thankful that Renee had not left me any of her special herbal surprises; hopefully there were none in my duffel.

I was trying to take a mental tally of who I could call. My dad Charlie was on a fishing trip with some of his buddies. My roommate Angela was still visiting her folks. Renee was in the midst of a hurricane. I couldn't look up any other phone numbers because they had my cell, and the battery was probably shot by now. I used to know all those numbers by heart until I started storing them, further proof that technology was ruining young minds.

The conference door opened and all the officers, agents, and what have you piled out. Only two of them made their way toward me.

"Isabella Swan, you are under arrest for disobeying signs," Officer McCarty said very seriously.

I tried not to laugh. "Disobeying signs"… was that even a law?

He continued. "Ordinarily, this is a misdemeanor in the state of Washington; however, since this offense occurred at an airport, it is also considered a federal offense, which carries with it other penalties. You will be taken into custody and held at the local jail here in Seattle."

My mouth dropped open; it was like I had swallowed and digested every word I had ever learned in my entire lifetime. I had none. .LIFE.

Miranda Rights went in one ear and out the other. I was cuffed—yes, cuffed—and led to a squad car, which took me to the local precinct. I was fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell by myself. No one spoke to me, offered me a phone call, nothing. It was late, so there was nothing to eat. I was wet, cold, hungry, and in a fucking jail. I curled up on the only bed in the cell, scared shitless that I would disappear from the face of the earth, and cried myself to sleep.

I woke to the jarring sound of keys clanging. I shot up wide awake, remembering my situation. It had to be early, but I really had no idea.

"Ms. Swan?" the officer opening my cell door questioned.

"That would be me." They were the first words I had spoken since leaving the airport.

"There is a public defender here to see you." He held out a pair of cuffs. "Arms."

"Oh." I stuck my arms out in front of me and he placed the cuffs around my wrists.

"This way," he mumbled.

He took my arm, led me down a hall to a room, and opened the door. He pushed me inside, sat me down, and locked my cuffs to a bar under the table in front of me.

He muttered something about the lawyer and left. I was fucking hungry, and still wet and cold, and was getting a little pissed off about my treatment. I mean, I knew this wasn't a hotel, and that I was in some serious shit, but come on. I sat and stewed while I waited. And I waited some more. And I began to cry… again.

I don't know how long I sat there; there was nothing in the room except me, a table and two chairs. The door finally opened, and in walked a man, well dressed, but with completely disheveled hair. He was rifling through a stack of papers when his face shot up and his green eyes took me in. A bright beautiful smile lit up his face, and he winked.

I groaned, but for some reason I felt relieved.


Today, I came home from my 2 week trip to Florida. At the airport, the door said "Enter Only", while a sign above it said "Do not enter."Long story short, I got arrested for "disobeying signs."Nothing says "Welcome home" like being arrested. FML

a/n

Thanks to my betas Galla and VanPireNZ. If not for them, this thing would be a mess. To everyone I have ever WC'd with, your pervy, hilarious support is truly something special.

Also…special thanks to PTB and especially sapphireskiesx and tlcsmile. I learned a lot, really.

I kind of futzed on the legal stuff. I even tried to consult , but no one replied. So I tried to make it at least enjoyable. I hope that worked.

Oh, and the discussion about the udder boils? True story, just happened to me last week.

thanks to Zigster, Chicklette, YogaGal, and SorceressCirce for hosting the FML