FML Contest

Title: Twitter: The trials and tribulations of tainted tweets

Pen name: lobsters1128

Characters: Bella/Edward

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight … or Twitter!

To see the rest of the entries in this contest, please visit the FML C2: http://www . fanfiction . net/community/FML_Contest_Fics/77195/ (remove spaces for link to work)


Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her twitter to complain about me. FML

bell2theno Crap! Have court today -- UGH! Hope that I can keep all my appendages this time :crosses fingers::

whatutalkinaboutAlice bell2theno good luck bb! who are you in front of today?

edWARDofdastate bell2theno Need me to hold and appendages or body parts for you?

angela1222 bell2theno Good luck! I am sure that you will do great! See ya later! :)

bell2theno whatutalkinaboutAlice "No dope" Cope. She tore me a new one the last time I was in front of her. Don't really want a repeat 2day!

bell2theno edWARDofdastate Anything in particular you wanted to hold for me?!? ;)

bell2theno angela1222 Thanks sweetie! Have a great one -- see ya tonight! Shall we have a fiesta tonight?

whatutalkinaboutAlice bell2theno "Youth today needs more hope" Cope

whatutalkingaboutAlice bell2theno "soap on a rope" cope ;)

edWARDofdastate whatutalkinaboutAlice "Don't drop the soap" Cope!!

angela1222 bell2theno Sounds good :)

edWARDofdastate bell2theno I'll take a breast or a thigh.

bell2theno edWARDofdastate Are ordering chicken or talking about my anatomy?

edWARDofdastate bell2theknow Hmmm... chicken does sound good now. LOL! Good luck. Lunch?

bell2theno whatutalkinaboutAlice edWARDofdastate Thanks for the support peeps! See ya at lunch :)

twatshedidnow Really? Seriously?! You need to bitch about your job. Here's a newsflash – be happy to have one! *eye roll*

I was running late…again. Damn it – stupid Twitter! I really need to quit tweeting so much. I get so caught up in responding, that I lose all track of time. And now, I was going to have to break several traffic laws to get us to court on time. And I really didn't want to be late. Ha! Be late for sitting in the cramped hallway waiting for her name to be called. I glanced at the time in my car. Yep, I was officially late. I quickly called Royce.


"Hey Royce, sweetie, tell me that you are ready?"

"Yes, Ms. Bella."

"Thank goodness. I am turning on your street now. I'll meet you out front."


I waited patiently for about 10 seconds before I started honking the horn. I knew it was rude to honk so early in the morning but just couldn't find it in me to care. We were in a hurry! A minute and thirty-three seconds later, Royce finally emerged from her apartment.

"Come on. We're late. We gotta go!"

I smiled at Royce so that she knew that I wasn't truly mad. Once she was buckled in, I took off. I embellished the speed limit on the way to family court. I was always running late so I often I referred to speed limit signs as …suggestions.

On our way to court, Royce and I talked about her son and how he was doing at daycare. I was relieved that she liked his current daycare. We had our typical weekly conversations about her apartment, school and her budget.

We had to attend court today for her yearly placement review with the state. Royce was a ward of the state. She was placed in foster care when she was 8 years old. From what I had read in her file, her mom was addicted to crack and had left her and her sister alone for 3 days when she was on a bender. Royce has spent time placed with family, in foster homes and in group homes. She was currently placed in our Independent Living Program. Independent Living, or ILP for us lazy folks, works with older foster care youth. States started to realize that releasing kids when they turned 18 was, well just stupid. They were coming back on state assistance through welfare or our justice systems. So now, states retain custody longer, to teach them life skills, budgeting and how to access community resources to help them become contributing members of society. Well, that was the hope anyway.

Royce celebrated her 20th birthday last week. What that meant for me was that she only had one more year in state custody. She still didn't have her GED – yet, or a job - currently. Hell, she had minimal job experience and life skills. She was young, naïve and gullible. And somehow during the next year, I had to find a way for her to get her GED, secure a good job that paid well and had benefits, and obtain her own apartment for her and her 13-month-old son. No problem!

I liked Royce – truly I did. She was a sweet kid …a good kid. Although, I thought all my clients were good kids. They didn't ask for this life, and it was dumped on them by their parents and our state. Royce's biggest problem was that she didn't have any common sense. Street smarts…hell yes! A sense of survival? Definitely. But, I could do many things, yet I just couldn't figure out how to teach common sense.

Throughout the drive, I reminded her – again – about the importance to getting her GED immediately. We still had a year and could get her in another education program to obtain a specific job skill. Out of the corner on my eye, I saw her nod but she seemed distracted. I glanced over and noticed that she was texting. I sighed, loudly.

"Royce! Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes, Bella."

"Really? You know I hate it when you text when we are together. Who are you texting? "

It was a rule that I had to implement with my clients. They were spending so much time texting that they weren't listening to me and wasting our time together. So now when I had my home visits …no texting. I was so pissed right now that I was tempted to take her damn phone.

"I'm texting Ty." She had the decency to look ashamed.

"I thought you broke up?"

"We did but he started calling me again and …well, I missed him. Lil man missed his daddy too."

I rubbed my forehead roughly and sighed …again. I softened my tone. "Sweetie, I understand that you missed him. He was a part of your life for a long time, and he is TJ's father. But, Royce, he isn't in a good place. He needs to get his life together and so do you. You will always be connected to him because of your son, but you have to think about your safety and TJ's safety. You have less than a year in custody. I know that seems like a long time but it isn't. And then you will be on your own. You need to focus on yourself and making a better future for you and TJ."

"I know, Bella."

"Yeah, you might know but do you understand? This is it. No more time. No more chances. You have to get your GED now, Royce! No more switching schools or programs. You need to register and take the test."

"I will. I promise, I will."

I knew it wasn't that simple but I let it go for now. We had arrived at the courthouse and I needed to concentrate on finding or creating a parking spot. Why couldn't they have more parking? Finally after two trips through the lot and 10 minutes of time I did not have, I found a spot. I wasn't even sure if it was a real parking spot, but I was desperate so I took it.

I'll probably get a fucking ticket.

After making it through security and the metal dectators, Royce and I walked upstairs and found her State Social Worker, Kate. The state had custody but the not-for-profit agency that I worked for had guardianship of her. Kate immediately introduced Royce to her Guardian ad Litem, her attorney. Her GAL was there to represent Royce and her best interests. I always thought that was funny, since she typically met her new attorney the day of court but the GAL knew best always.

Now that we were all in attendance, we could confirm Royce's name on the docket. And now we waited! This was one of my least favorite parts of my job. Other case mangers didn't mind court days, but for me it was torture. I was on the go several hours a day and to sit my ass in these hard, ugly yellow plastic chairs was torturous. And since I had just gotten on Royce in the car about this, I knew that I couldn't check e-mail, text or tweet. So, I talked to Kate, Royce and her attorney – whose name I couldn't remember.

After two hours and thirty seven minutes – over two fucking hours – we were finally called into the court room. The proceedings took all of 10 minutes. After I took Royce back to her apartment, and confirmed our appointment for later in the week, I headed back to the office. Soon, I realized I was starving and went online to check twitter and see what was going on for lunch.

Alice and Edward were the other case managers who worked in Independent Living. We used to text everyday to stay in touch, vent and let each other know where we were and who we were seeing. Being in the field so much and visiting kids in their homes wasn't always the safest of scenarios. Edward was constantly calling and texting us to check up on us, especially if were we running behind or working late. Our supervisor was concerned by the numbers of texts that were showing up on our cell phone statements. We had to submit a copy of our statement with our monthly expense report. I was pissed that they were being so annoying.

One drunken night, we devised the brilliant plan to, as Alice said, "get over on the man." We set up our twitter accounts and picked each others' ridiculous names. We knew we needed to camouflage our names and that we couldn't ever tweet about our clients. Since we knew each kid in the program, we used their initials instead. Our plan was fool-proof and brilliant!

whatutalkinaboutAlice just finished with c and am starving! need sustenance ----NOW! who's in?

edWARDofdastate whatutalkinaboutAlice I'm in! Had a no show - 3rd in row with him. Beyond pissed. Where?

whatutalkinaboutAlice edWARDofdastate on noes!! so sorry - that sux! come eat, drink and be merry with me. 3

bell2theno whatutalkinaboutAlice edWARDofdastate Just finished. On my way -- Panera? Anyone ask Ro?

edWARDofdastate bell2theno Still waiting for my breast or thigh!! What's a guy gotta do?

bell2theno edWARDofdastate shush you! See you in a few! :)

whatutalkinaboutAlice bell2theno ro ate w/em ;) fyi - #stoopidbeyatch is in office :(

edWARDofdastate bell2theno I will be waiting with bated breath! ;) Yes, I'm panting!!

bell2theno whatutalkinaboutAlice Thanks for the info! Be there in 10 minutes :) edWARDofdastate *swoon*

I parked near the office and walked over to Panera. I was looking forward to seeing Alice and Edward. We had been so busy lately with new clients or whatever the latest emergency was I hadn't had a chance to see much of them. I did enjoy working with my kids but I didn't think that I could survive the demand of this job without them. They made the bad days tolerable and the good days better.

When I started in ILP, with my newly acquired MSW, the first person I met was Alice. She was already a case manager when I started and helped me learn the ropes. She was so calm, especially in stressful situations, and was able to look at a problem different ways. I appreciated her OCD tendencies and how they helped me organize my schedule to make my life easier. Whenever I was anxious or stressed about a client or situation, just being around Alice calmed me down. She was one of the best people I ever knew. And her husband, Jasper, was the epitome of calm, cool and collected. He was a History Professor at a local university. I was so intrigued and awed by his calm nature. Well, that was until I discovered the source of his serenity. I had to drop some paperwork off at Alice's once. Jasper answered the door smoking a joint the size of my arm – seriously Cheech and Chong sized ganja. What I loved the most was how completely unaffected he was by it. As if answering the door, smoking marijuana was a normal everyday occurrence – for him I think it was. And now, every time I hear Alice lecturing a client on drugs and drug use, I giggle.

Then … there was Edward. He joined the ILP team about a year after I had been with this agency. I had heard that we were getting another case manger but didn't know anything else. I wasn't able to be there the day he interviewed so I didn't get to meet him until he started. I had seen his resume and was impressed. He was perfect on paper and I was looking forward to him joining our team. Several people had mentioned how attractive he was but I was in no way prepared for that delicious specimen of man. And naturally, the day we finally met, I had spent most of it moving a client- in 94° heat – into their new apartment. By the time I finally made it into the office, I was sweaty and smelled. I cringed thinking about our first meeting. Of course, he was charming and perfect.

We had a great relationship. We were friendly and flirty. It was incredible. He was funny and a ridiculous flirt. If I'm being honest, I loved it. When an insanely hot man flirts with you, you feel good. I had been crushing on him since he started. There was no way to avoid it. He was smart, beautiful, caring and hysterical. And of course, Alice was aware of my crush. I wasn't even sure why I referred to it as a crush when obsessive lusting and fantasizing about him in many erotic and pornographic ways was much more accurate.

Over the past few years, we had both dated – others, on and off and we hadn't been single at the same time – until now.

Once I got to Panera, I immediately ordered. As I waited for my food, I spotted Edward and Alice tucked into a corner booth. Edward turned and looked at me over his shoulder. He gave a partial wave and smiled. I smiled back while trying to calm my raging hormones. Just that simple gesture had my ovaries spelling out his name in a cheer, and not to be outdone, my fucking fallopian tubes started the wave. If I could have done it without being noticed, I would have junk punched myself. I looked away while I took a few deep breaths and attempted to slow my heart. All too quickly, my order was ready. I walked over and sat down.

"Wassup peeps?"

"Not much. How was court?" Alice inquired.

"Okay. The actual proceeding was easy. No ripping me a new asshole this time. So that was good. But I did have to wait over two and a half hours before we went in."

"That sucks."


"So, Bella?"

I turned towards Edward. I hadn't realized that he was sitting so close. My arm briefly brushed against his, and I felt a trickle of energy flow down my arm to my hand like water. I looked into his eyes and was completely mesmerized. Damn him! Why did he have to look so delicious all the time? Does he take a special vitamin or eat Fuckhot Flakes for breakfast? Mmmm, breakfast with Edward ...on Edward. I was lost in vivid internal musings when I felt a sharp pain in my shin. I glared at Alice before I remember that Edward had been talking to me.

"Hmmmm?" This was the only logical and recognizable sound I could make.

"So, you had to sit in the cold, hard chairs for over 2 hours?" Edward was leaning in so closely now.

I nodded.

"Your ass must be really sore. I think that you need an ass rub down. And being your friend and co-worker, I would be happy to help."

I laughed loudly and internally breathed a sigh of relief. This I could do. This overt, blatant, over-sexed tone flirting I could handle.

"Yes, Edward, I think that you are right. My ass needs to be rubbed and massaged for hours I think. Should I hop on the table right here or do you want to do it in the office?"

"As much as I would love to get my hands on your ass now, I think we should wait until we are in the privacy of your office. So then I can get my hands on you and spank, eh I mean caress …no, massage. I will massage your ass." His smile was so big it was practically bursting off his face. I had to laugh at the ridiculousness of our conversation.

"You know, Edward, one of these days, I am going to file a sexual harassment complaint against you. "

He shrugged. "Might be worth it for some ass grab." He stood from our table and grabbed our trays to throw our trash away. He did this every time. I didn't even argue anymore.

Alice just laughed and shook her head. "I don't understand why you aren't together, or dating him or anything."

"I told you, Alice, we are just friends. He is a flirt, and I love flirting with him. He is just a fun, smart, hot guys who makes inappropriate sexual comments to me. No biggie."

"Well, he doesn't flirt with me like that."

"You're married. Your flirtability factor plummeted when you said 'I do.' You just leave the hot, single men to the horny, single women. A'ight?"

She just giggled. "Come on. We need to head back to the office."

Before we were out the door, Edward was by our sides. As we walked we discussed what we had scheduled for the rest of the day. Just before we entered the office Alice asked, "Bella how long have you and Angela been roommates?"

"Um, just about six months. Why?"

"I thought about this the other day, but she isn't on your answering machine. You know, the outgoing message. It is just you and I didn't know why."

"Huh, I didn't realize that. I'll have to ask her about it. See what she wants to do. Thanks, Alice."

bell2thenoangela1222 Hey bb! How are you doing? I've got a question for ya.

angela1222bell2theno I am doing well thanks. And you? What's the question?

bell2thenoangela1222 Good day - waiting for court was long. This was brought to my attention. I didn't realize that you weren't on the outgoing vm

bell2thenoangela1222 Did you want to change it so that you are on the message too? Just wondering. Just let me know, kay?

anglea1222bell2theno I didn't realize it either. Not really a big deal. We can just leave it as it is. Thanks! Gotta go! :)

twatshedidnow Dear Roomie - NO I don't want to put our voices together on the voicemail. I am your roommate NOT your girlfriend! *facepalm*

The rest of the day was rather uneventful. I contacted clients, called schools to verify attendance and called places of employment to verify work and stopped by a couple of apartments to see my kids. Afterwards, I went home and relaxed.

Angela and I had our fiesta night – Mexican and margaritas. We had been roommates for six months. We had met through a mutual friend. It was working out well. She was an easy person to be around, and I genuinely enjoyed her company. She taught high school math and was a wonderful teacher.

Angela graded homework, and I reread one of my favorite books. I internally chuckled at the way this book always brought the same reaction out of me. I knew what was going to happen and every single time I got upset. It was beyond ridiculous. Finally we said goodnight and retired to our rooms.

twatshedidnow Dear Roomie - It is the SAME story every time you read it! STOP fecking crying Edward comes back! Geesh *eyeroll*

It wasn't until I was on my way to the office the following morning that I remembered. I called Angela immediately, hoping to catch her still at home!

"Please, be home. Pick up…pick up." I chanted.

She answered on the third ring. "Hello."

"Hey, Angela, it's me. Are you still at home?"

"Yep. I'll be leaving in a few minutes. What's up?"

"I don't know what is wrong with me. I had a brainfart or something, but I completely forgot the trash. I left the bag sitting by the door. I am so sorry."

"Oh, okay ….um, yeah I see it. Don't worry about it. I will take it out with me."

"Thank you so much. I don't know what is wrong with me. I put it right by the door so I would grab it on the way out. I mean, how could I not see it?"

Angela laughed. "I know, right. I hate when I do that. It's not a big deal."

"Thanks again, Angela. I really appreciate it."

"No problem. Have a good day and uh, enjoy your …um, Campbells." She snickered.

"Thanks and oh, I will." I purred and then giggled. "See ya tonight."


twatshedidnow Dear Roomie - Putting the trash BY the door not really taking it out! Nope, not even close! Thanks for the uh, effort!

Ah, yes Campbell. This was nickname I had given Edward. Alice knew about my crush, fixation, longing, deep-rooted desire for him. We played it off as flirting and fun banter but some of the things he had said to me or the way he looked at me had left my girl parts begging for more. And the name 'Campbells' came to me in a moment of pure brilliance. I referred to him as Campbell because he was "Mmm, Mmmm Good." I snickered at my own absurdity.

After my weekly meeting with my supervisor, I worked diligently in the office for over an hour making calls, checking in with clients and logging minutes with my clients. The paperwork was one of the more tedious tasks. So, since I was bored and addicted, I checked twitter

bell2theno At office and bored - stuck with #dimsumho I have to work! How are my peeps? Where are you?

whatutalkinaboutAlice bell2theno just finished and on my way in. need me to stop 4 anything?

edWARDofdastate bell2theno Going to r's. I'll be out all day. Try not to miss me too much sweet cheeks!

bell2theno whatutalkinaboutAlice I only need you! ;P See ya soon!

bell2theno edWARDofdastate Sweet cheeks, huh? :) Have a great day and be safe.

edWARDofdastate bell2theno Waiting for r DM?

bell2theno edWARDofdastate ::nods::

edWARDofdastate How are you doing today, Bella? Did you have your meeting with #dimsumho this am? AND, more importantly ....what are you wearing?

bell2theno I am doing well. And you? Yes met with DSH this am - stimulating as always. *headdesk* Wearing, huh? A muumuu. What are you wearing?

edWARDofdastate Stimulating, hmmmm? I like you eh, stimulated. And what am I wearing ...well, a smile. And that's all!

bell2theno *THUD*

As Alice and I sat in the break room finishing our lunch, we discussed our clients and supervisor, who we affectionately refer to as Dim Sum Ho, because she was a dumb slut! Alice turned to me, expectantly.

"So Bella, what is going on with you and Edward?"

"Alice! Shhh!" I looked around to make sure that we were still alone. "You know how the gossip mongers are here. I don't want to fuel their fire."

"Well, is there anything to fuel the fire with?"

"No, Alice. Nothing." I replied sadly. "We talk, laugh, and flirt. One smile from him can make my ovaries swoon but other than that …nothing. I'm just resigned to the fact that Campbell and I will only be friends."

And that thought did depress me. I liked Edward. I truly liked him. Not just in a "sex starved, tie you to my bed and ravish you" way but also, in an "I want to take you home to meet the parents" way. He was great, in every way, but I was just his friend.

"Well, that's a bunch of crap, Bella. E-Campbell likes you. It is so obvious. He is constantly flirting with you, teasing you and touching you. Tell me I'm wrong." She cocked an eyebrow challenging me.

"Yeah, he does. And don't forget his flirty tweets either."

"I didn't know about those."

"Oh yeah, he was tweeting me today and then asked if he could Direct Message me. I thought he wanted to talk about a client. But, uh …no. He talked asked about what I was wearing and said he liked me stimulated."

"Why were you stimulated?"

"Oh, he asked about my meeting with DSH, and I told him it was stimulating. He made it sound dirty."

"And did he like your outfit?"

"Huh?" I looked at her confused. "Oh! My outfit -right! I told him I was wearing a muumuu."

"That was brilliant." She laughed.

"Thanks. And then I asked what he was wearing and he said a 'smile …and that's all.' See, that's just it. He always takes it up a notch, and I just don't know what to do or say then. And say we did go out, or date or whatever. We are friends and co-workers. It could be hugely complicated and the fallout could be catastrophic." I laid my head on the table from the realization and the weight of my statement.

"Oh my Bella – don't be so melodramatic. It isn't that big of deal. If you date or whatever with Ed..." She paused as I glared at her. Alice rolled her eyes and continued. "Fine! Campbell and for some off chance it didn't work out, everything would be fine. You are both adults and would be able to work through it."

"I know. I just wish I knew for sure whether or not Campbell really had feelings for me or if he is just having fun. UGH!" I put my head back on the table and wondered why I ever lifted it.

"Who's Campbell?"

I whipped my head around so quickly that I was stunned that it hadn't propelled off my shoulders. Shit. How much had he heard?

"Hey Edward, what are you doing here? I thought that you had another appointment this afternoon."

"Yeah, I thought that I did too. Unfortunately my client didn't agree. He wasn't there and I was tired of waiting. I left a note and message on his voice mail. So hopefully, he will call back soon. This was my second 'no show' for the week."

He sat down next to me and laid his head on my shoulder and pouted. He was so close that I could smell his cologne. I didn't recognize the scent but my ovaries sighed.

"Sorry, that sucks. It messes up your entire week when it happens." I patted his head and damn him, he snuggled closer.

"Get off of me, fool." I pushed his head off my shoulder. Unfortunately this didn't have the desired effect. He quickly grabbed and pulled me next to him.

"I'm sorry; did you just tell me to get you off?" Edward murmured in my ear while tracing the shell with his nose.

I gasped loudly and turned to stare at him. Internally, I was exploding. At that moment I wasn't sure how much more I could take of his flirting. He was killing me – slowly, erotically, methodically killing me. This might be my favorite way to die.

"Hey Bella, what were you telling me about Campbell?"

"What?" I was certain the look on my face as I turned towards Alice was one of equal parts annoyance and relief. I was able to start breathing again.

She smiled sweetly, "Campbell? What were you just saying about him? I think it was that you weren't sure if he had feelings for you or was just kidding around."

"Um, yeah. I think that was it." I was able to move away from Edward. Putting some distance between us helped with my cognitive functions.

"Well, I am going to say it again. I think it is obvious that he likes you." She gave me a pointed stare to reiterate her point.

"We'll see."

"Who is Campbell?" Edward sounded annoyed.

"Umm …he's uh …this guy …" I stammered. Shit – how was I going to explain this? Luckily, Alice intervened.

"He is just a guy that Bella knows and is interested in. He flirts with her all the time, and she is not sure if he means it. Edward, you're a guy. What do you think?"

Crap! This was not necessarily the help I needed.

"Well, I think that any man would be thrilled to have Bella's attention, even if just for a few moments of flirting. And he would be a fool to not want more, if she was willing to offer – more."

At that moment, our supervisor walked in and reminded us that this was a place of business and not for social interactions. I had never been more grateful to see Dim Sum Ho in my life. I went back to my office, gathered my stuff and left for an appointment with a client. I had plenty of time but desperately needed to get away. Luckily, the rest of the day was uneventful, and I was finally able to go home and obsessively ponder all that Edward had said and done today.

Angela and I talked about what happened over dinner. She was such an easy person to talk to. She agreed with Alice that Edward had feelings of more for me. I still wasn't so sure. And if I was being honest, I was a little terrified of 'more' with him.

twatshedidnow Roomie has been perving on a coworker - for YEARS. If I have to listen one more time to how fuckhawt he is I'm gonna #throatpunch her!

"One more!" Alice screeched over the music and crowd.

"Damn it, Alice! Okay, one more, but that's it. I have to leave soon."

Every Friday night we gathered at a bar near the office to wrap up our week with dinner and drinks. Many Fridays had been liquid dinners, if the week had been really bad.

Tonight I had been keeping a safe distance from Edward. He was just as flirty as ever, and even more so when drinking, but I knew that my heart and ovaries couldn't handle his innocent and not so innocent touching.

We were laughing and talking about work. Alice was laughing so hard that she fell off her chair. I didn't realize how drunk she had gotten. She clumsily picked herself up. She pointed her finger in my chest.

"Bella, I love you. You know what you neeeedd." She smiled her eyes glassy.

"Nope, Alice, what do I neeeeddd?"

"You need someone to ring your doorbell. When was the last time someone, not thing, rang your doorbell?" She snickered.

"Oh geesh, Alice. What the fuck are you going on about? Really? My doorbell."

"What the fuck are you talking about? What is her doorbell?" Edward looked very confused.

Alice opened her mouth to answer but I cut her off.

"I got this, Drunky. You just sit there and don't fall over." I looked at Edward before continuing.

"Have you ever heard of a …um a 'Slumber Party' party?" I even implemented air quotes.

"Like a sleepover, pajama party?" He was grinning so big I thought his face would explode. Typical man.

"Not like nighties and pillow fights, you fucking pervert! No, this is the name of a company. It is a direct sales company. Anyway, this company is called Slumber Parties or something like that. And a friend of Alice's was hosting a party and she, Angela and I went."

"Wait a minute. What do they sell at these parties?" He said wiggling his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes. Typical man!

"Um, well …they sell lotions and creams and lingerie and …"

"Porn and vibrators!" Alice interrupted laughing. "And Bella bought one."

"Alice! Shut the fuck up!"

"Wait – did she buy porn or a vibrator?"

"A vibrator! You didn't buy any porn that night, did you?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? No I didn't buy any porn …uh, that night. Would you just shut up? So a doorbell?"

Edward nodded.

"Well, that was what the consultant called a clitoris. And she put this lotion thing in the bathroom with q-tips and had us put some on our 'doorbell'."

"What did you think of it?" Alice inquired.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "It was ok. It …I guess tingled. It really didn't do much for me. Didn't you buy some of it?"

She smiled and nodded. "Jas loves it."

"It's edible?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Huh? That's cool."

We both turned to look at Edward. During the conversation, I had forgotten that he was even there. He had a look of amazement on his face. After a few moments, he realized we were looking at him.

"Let me get this straight. You go to someone's house and buy lotions, vibrators and porn?"

"Oh my! Lotions, vibrators and porn …oh my!" Alice sang. I shook my head.

"Well, kinda. It's a party. So there is food and drinks and the consultant shows you a bunch of products and you try some out and then you place your order. And the host will get free stuff after the party based on what we bought."

"Huh." He looked stunned. "That might be the coolest fucking thing that I have ever heard of."

"Yeah, they're fun! You just spend most of the night drinking and laughing."

"And you bought a vibrator?"

"COD!" Alice screamed.

"Alice!" I punched her arm to get her attention. "Would you shut the fuck up? I mean, Christ in sidecar, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"COD?" Edward asked.

"That is what she named her vibrator, COD." I tried to clamp my hand over her mouth. But - she bit me! Bitch! "Campbell's Orgasm Deliverer. That is what she calls her vibrator."

"That's it. I'm out!" I stood up tossing money on the table for my drinks. I don't mind teasing and joking but I can only handle so much ridicule. And I had reached my maximum.

"Bella wait! I'm sorry."

I waved her off. "No biggie. I'm tired. It has been a long week and I just want to go home and crash."

"Well, let me walk you to your car." Edward said while standing up.

"No – stay. I am right across the street. I'll be fine. I just want to go." I hugged them both quickly. "See ya Monday." I tossed out over my shoulder as I walked away.

Once I got home, I hung out and talked with Angela. She told me about her day and an embarrassing story that happened at work. I told her what Alice told Edward about doorbells and COD. She laughed and after awhile I joined in. It was funny. Basically, the guy I liked knows about the toy I owned, that I named after the nickname that I gave him. This shit could only happen to me.

twatshedidnow Dear Roomie - It is called a clitoris NOT a doorbell! JFC!! Are you 12?

The weekend was peaceful and for that I was grateful. I needed a break from work and Edward. We didn't typically talk over the weekend. We may occasionally get together but those times were rare. Sunday night was here all too soon, and I was feeling extremely stressed about seeing Edward the next day. I decided to take matters into my own hands, quite literally. I needed to release some tension and COD was going to help. I docked my iPod, selected my favorite playlist and let COD work its magic.

Surprisingly I arrived early to work on Monday. As I walked down the hallway to my office, I saw Edward and Alice huddled around his computer. I dropped my stuff off and went to see what they were doing. I could hear Edward chuckling as I crossed the threshold.

"What are you doing?"

"Bella, come here. You need to see these. A friend of mine found these and retweeted them to me. They are hysterical."

"Well, what is it?"

"This person bitches about her roommate on twitter."

"Really? That doesn't seem very nice."

"No, no. You have to see the ones from last night. She got um, busy, and her roommate tweeted it."

"That's awful. Have you seen these yet, Alice?"

She shook her head, "No."

I read the tweets over Edward's shoulder. We read a few older posts and then the series from last night. I was still surprised that someone would do this. As I read, I began to feel uneasy. I felt familiarity to what I was reading, and I didn't know what to do.

Alice gasped, "Oh no." She whispered.

I looked at her and a feeling of dread washed over me like a wave. I glanced back at the screen and saw what I feared most.

twatshedidnow NOOOOOOOO!!!!!


twatshedidnow Kill me NOW!

twatshedidnow buzz buzzmoan

twatshedidnow *HEADDESK*

twatshedidnow Moanbuzzmoanbuzz

twatshedidnow "Oh yes!" "Unghhhh!" "Mmmm Campbell"

twatshedidnow LMFAO! That isn't even his real name.

I couldn't believe it! It couldn't be about me. Certainly there was someone else last night who was masturbating with a vibrator and moaned the name …Campbell. Right? And no sooner had I decided to set up permanent residence in Denial, when I saw Alice's face and I knew it was true. It was about me, all me. I was amazed as to how clearly I could hear Monica from Friends screaming "NO" in my head. She was complaining to the world what a fucked up and useless roommate I was, and then she described, in detail, last night, and Edward – who I cherished as a friend and yearned for more – had just read it.

Fuck My Life!

I couldn't believe she could or would do that. I thought we got along well. Why didn't she just say something to me?

I left his office and walked back into mine, slamming the door behind me. I checked the time and knew that Angela had a free period, so I called her.


"Angela! What the fuck? What the fuck did you do that for?"

"Bella what are you talking about?"

"I just read 'twat she did now'. How could you do that? I can't believe you posted all that. What the fuck?"

I didn't realize that I was crying or that Edward was in my office until I felt him wipe a tear away. I tried to take a calming breath but it sounded like I was gasping for air.

"Bella … I am so sorry. I didn't mean it - really."

"If you hated living there or with me so much, why didn't you just move out?"

"I don't hate it or you Bella. Just let me try to explain."

"Go on."

"It started about a month ago …"

"A MONTH!" I screamed.

"Bella, just listen. Yes, a month ago I was just aggravated and looking for a way to vent, so I created the name and posted the tweet. Every now and then I would post something. Most of the time, I exaggerated the situation so that it would be more um … entertaining."

"Entertaining? How could you?"

"Bella, I'm sorry. Some people started following my tweets, and well, I liked that popularity that came with it. I didn't mean for you to ever find out. How did you find out?"

"Someone that follows you retweeted it to Edward."

"Oh …OH! Shit, Bella, I am really, very sorry. Um …crap, I can't stay on the phone any longer. I need to get to class. Can we talk about this more tonight …at home?"

"Yeah, sure, fine. I talk to you tonight."

"Thanks, Bella, and I really am sorry!"

I hung up the phone and dropped my head into my palms. The words I had just read were floating and swirling about in my head. I could probably explain away some of the tweets as just venting or bitching. But last night, she tweeted last night. I didn't even know she could hear me. And now Edward knew what I had done, and who I was really thinking about. Fuck! This was the worst day ever!

"Bella? What did she say?" Edward was rubbing his hand back and forth across my shoulders and then up and down my back. And for the first time ever, it was soothing.

I turned to look at him and was surprised to see so much concern raditiating from him. I expected him to tease me but he seemed genuinely worried.

"She said that she was sorry. That she really didn't mean everything. She started this to vent, and it just blew up from there. She liked the attention she got from her tweets."

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I didn't know."

"No, that's okay, Edward. If you hadn't gotten the tweets, then I wouldn't have found out. I'll just talk to her more about it tonight. I really don't want to think about it anymore right now."

I stood and began to walk out of my office. I needed to freshen up before our meeting. Before I could open the door, Edward grabbed my wrist and stopped me.

"Bella, who's Campbell?"

Shit! What the hell do I tell him? My mind went blank and I finally decided on the truth. At least it would be out in the open. And besides, this would arm him with new material to tease me with. I looked at him and his head was still slightly tilted to the side and his eyes were pleading with me. I threw my hands up in defeat and leaned against my desk.

"Fine! It's you, Edward. You are Campbell. You are the co-worker that I have been crushing on forever. I made up the name so that I could talk about you without you or the gossip whores finding out. So there, it's you. So, just go ahead and let me have it."

I watched and waited for the laughter and onslaught of teasing. And even though I was looking right at him, I never saw this coming.

Edward grabbed the sides of my face and pressed his lips to mine. He was commanding and gentle and his lips felt divine.

Holy Mother of Fuck! I was kissing Edward.

He pulled away, and my ovaries whimpered. I may have too. When I met his eyes, I saw what I was sure was reflected in mine – desire, lust, need.

This time he crashed his lips to mine, which I eagerly met. He grabbed me by my hips and lifted me up and sat me on my desk. He stood between my legs with one of his hands on my lower back and the other in my hair. I grabbed hold of his hair and kissed him back with every ounce of passion I had repressed for the past years. I didn't know if I would ever get the chance to kiss him again, and if this was the only time opportunity was going to knock, well, fuck opening the door; I was going to rip it off the damn hinges.

I wrapped my legs around his hips and pulled him closer. I was rewarded greatly for this effort. Edward pressed himself into me, and I could feel how hard he was. I moaned when I realized that I was only a few thin layers away from my beloved Holy Grail.

Our kissing quickly escalated to include groping and grinding. I couldn't get enough of him, and it seemed as though he couldn't get enough of me either. I had imagined kissing him thousands of times. But reality far exceeded my fantasies. His lips were dominating yet yielding. His tongue flowed gently across mine. It was a delicate and intricate tango we were engaged in with our mouths. And by far the best kiss of my life.

Edward pulled back slightly. He placed his forehead to mine - both of us panting for air. Huh, bated breath.

"Bella, do you have any idea how long I have wanted to do that?"

I shook my head.

He moved further back and turned my face up to his. He stared deeply into my eyes.

"Go out with me tonight? Have dinner with me …on a date? Please?"

I nodded eagerly, probably looking like a bobble head. "Yes, of course. I would love to." I was impressed with my ability to not only form words but sentences. My ovaries high-fived each other.

He smiled brilliantly and kissed me again.

"My house at 7. I'll make dinner."

"Oh, okay. I can bring dessert then."

He looked at me hungrily and leaned in. I was expecting him to kiss me again. Instead, Edward traced the shell of my ear with his tongue.

"You don't have to bring anything. As long as you are there, Bella, I will have my dessert."

"Ohhh …fuck me." I whimpered and moaned.

Edward bit my ear lobe and slowly drug his teeth across.

"Yes. Yes, I will."

He stood and extracted himself from my legs. I wasn't even aware that they were still locked around him. He slowly walked to the door and just before he opened it, he turned around to face me.

"Oh and Bella?" He began as he casually leaned against my door and stroked his cock over his pants. "I will deliver."

I smiled and nodded. This had quickly become the best day – EVER!

twatshedidnow Uh-oh! Totes busted! Roomie found out -- so gotta go! Twat ...OUT!


Huge thanks to Valeri29 for amazing beta skills!

Also, thanks and ass rubs to kimpy0464 for talking me through this story and il-bel-mondofor talking me off the ledge!

Thanks for reading – please hit the button and leave some love!!