Twilight Parody (script)
Stella – Bella
Edmund – Edward
Jazzy – Jaspar
Em – Emmet
Jesse – Jessica
Rosaline – Rosalie
Big Al – Alice (despite the fact that Alice is tiny and a girl)
QV – Victoria (short for Queen Vic)
Jamie – James
Carlie – Carlisle
Lesme – Esme (...)
Charles - Charlie
(Stella walks down the stairs, through the living room, out the door and into the street. During this there is a running commentary)
Commentary (Stella's voice): I'd never given much thought to the kind of car I would drive. A Ferrari would be kinda cool, but a bit flashy. A truck would be...well...a bit embarrassing, but acceptable for a small town like this.
(Stella arrives in front of Charles and truck)
Stella: (Looking at the truck) Dad, what is this?
Charles: Your homecoming present...
Stella: (horrified) You have GOT to be kidding.
Charles: (thinks that Stella is impressed) Good, isn't it...I got it off old Bill Black down La Shove, for
Stella: (decides to rant) I hate it! I can't be seen in that, it's an embarrassment! Why, Dad, why?
Charles: (angry) In my day, young lady, I would have been grateful for a bicycle, let alone my very
Stella: This is the 21st century, Dad, for the love of all that is holy, take it back!
Charles: We'll talk about this in the morning, Stella. Now it's dinnertime.
Stella: Great, I'm starving.
(Both walk inside to kitchen. Charlie shoves two ready meals in microwave, and wanders off to clean his gun. Stella sits down and headbangs to background music. Ten minutes later, the microwave bursts into flames)
Stella: I think you burnt the food...
Charles: Just get it out of the microwave and bin it then, we'll get a takeaway.
Stella: (tries to get the food out of the burning microwave but can't) I can't.
Charles: Why not?
Stella: Well I tried, but the microwave's on fire, and I got burnt. (sobbing) It hurts...
Charles: (running in and seeing Stella's very burnt arms and face) Oooohhhh dear...
Stella: That's all you can say?
Charles: Ummm...I think I'd better get you to the hospital...there's a very nice doctor there...(has
a 'moment')(dreamily) very nice eyes...
(Stella slaps him)
Charles: Thank you, I needed that. (points) To the truck!!!
(Both exit at high speed)
(Hospital waiting room. Stella and Charles arrive and sit down. Six hours later...)
(Receptionist wakes up)
Receptionist: How long have I been out?
Charles: I'm not sure, we got here about six hours ago...they told us this was A&E.
Receptionist: (awkward pause) Sorry, we don't get many visits...
Charles: (cuts in) From inspectors?
Receptionist: Oh Lawdy, you're not an inspector, are you?
Charles: (casually) No, just the Chief of police.
(Receptionist turns very pale)
Receptionist: One minute. (turns round and yells) Carlie, you get yo butt over here righ' now, we got
ourselves an A&E patient.
Carlie: (offstage) Anyone important?
Receptionist: No, just the chief of police's daughter. Plus severe burns. Oh yeah, and she's got a
gash on her arm, think it got a vein but the blood's mostly dried by now...
Carlie: (hopefully) Daughter, did you say?
(Carlie walks in, to music 'I'm too sexy for my shirt', followed by disc scratch and Carlie's voice 'thoughts')
Carlie's thoughts: Damn it, she's only 17. Oh well, one more ye...why is Charles looking at me like
that...disturbing, disturbing, DISTURB...control, breathe, speak only to the patient,
second thoughts don't breathe...oooh blooooood...No... control...
Carlie: (pointedly to Stella, not Charles) Wow, that's pretty impressive, what happened?
Stella: (points at Charles) It was his fault.
Charles: (At the same time) It was her fault.
Carlie: (puzzled)Ok, you'd better just come with me...
(Charles tries to come too)
Carlie: Not you Charles! Er, the treatment room is very small.
Charles: (dreamily) Don't worry, I would follow you to the ends of the earth and
beyond...(realising what he has just said, awkwardly) I did not mean that, and I will
Carlie: (evilly) Good, good.
He and Stella exit.
(In the treatment room, Edmund standing in a corner)
Carlie: (points at Edmund) That's my son, he's here on work experience, just ignore him. So,
Stella: Err...my arm, my face...
Carlie: Your face?
Stella: You are SO rude
Carlie: I'm just trying to help...
Stella: So get bandages already.
Carlie: Right on it. Edmund, get bandages.
Edmund: (Steps forward bringing a chunk of the door with him) Oops. Er, dad, I've done it
Carlie: Right, you stay here, I'll get bandages. I can't trust you with the hospital doors,
they're expensive you know.
Edmund: But Dad, I can't cope with...(realises that Carlie has already gone)(small voice)
Stella: You're weird.
Edmund: Can I talk to you for a minute?
Stella: If you must.
Edmund: Why did you move to 4X?
Stella: (embarrassed) Well, it's a long story...
Edmund: I have a long time. Carlie tends to get...mysteriously lost when he goes to get
(Cut to Carlie and Charles sitting together in the waiting room, chatting)
Carlie: So, how long have you been gay?
Charles: That's classified information.
Carlie: Come on, you can tell me, I'm a doctor.
Charles: (looks around carefully. Whispers dramatically) A while.
Carlie: (nodding awkwardly) I'll just be off...I've got to...find some bandages...
(Cut back to Edmund and Stella)
Edmund: I'm sorry, I'm just - I'm just trying to figure you out, you're very difficult for me to
Stella: All right, already. I'll tell you! Just stop bugging me. Are you comfortable?
Edmund: Well my throat's a bit sore, but I think I'm just thir...ummm...nothing, nothing.
Stella: Ok, then, I'll begin.
(Cut to Carlie, this time talking to the Receptionist)
Carlie: You look a bit hot. Do you wanna come...outside?(eyebrow twitching)
Receptionist: You're having eyebrow spasms again, are you sure you don't need medication?
Carlie: (huffily) I was trying to be sexy.
Receptionist: Well it failed. Epically.
(Carlie exits in a huff. Cut back to Stella and Edmund)
Stella: Shortly after I was born, Charles discovered...himself...he...found
a new calling...he discovered that he prefers guys. Ew, ew, ew, I can't believe I just
said that out loud, ewwwww...
Edmund: (sympathetically) There, there. Now get on with the story.
Stella: Well, he moved to Los Vegas in search of fame and fortune...as a drag queen.
Stella: Cross-dressing is his obsession. He's never gonna stop.
Edmund: What happened next?
Stella: The crowd booed him right through his big jazz number...
Edmund: Hey! Jazz is one of my brothers...
Stella: Let me finish! So he was sent away in shame and exiled to 4X.
Edmund: This is all very interesting but why are you in 4X?
Stella: (twirling hair) The sun in Arizona bleached my hair. It was traumatising.
Edmund: (stiffly) I...er...I see.
Stella: Hey did you get contacts?
Edmund: No. Why?
Stella: Your eyes are a weird goldy colour.
Edmund: Yeah I know it's the uh, it's the fluorescents...
Stella: Yeah...fluorescents...Hey do you know any good restaurants? Charles' cooking is
Edmund: Well, maybe you should teach him to cook? I mean, just share the kitchen with him,
try to understand him...
Stella: (gasps) I know what you are...
Edmund: Well, that was quick, say it then (awkward pause) Out loud – it's not like I can hear
Edmund: Wrong again.
Edmund: No, I'm NOT political.
(Twenty minutes later)
Edmund: God forbid!
Edmund: Finally. Close enough. Are you afraid?
Stella: (Thinks for a moment. Studies Edmund seriously. Pokes him cautiously and hurts her
finger. Decides and screams)Yes!!! (Tries to run away)
Edmund: (Catches her arm at high speed) Wait, Stella love! Come back!!! (Stella keeps trying
to run)I'm a killer, I've killed people before.
Stella: (Still trying to escape. Comedic running on the spot.) I know!!!
Edmund: I wanted to kill you for about five minutes there. I've never wanted a human's blood
Stella: WHAT?! Is that why you broke the door?
(Carlie walks in, whistling happily)
Edmund: (Whispers to Stella) We continue this convo later. Don't tell Carlie.
Carlie: I heard that.
Edmund: (singing) Uh-oh. We're in trouble. Carlie came along and he burst our bubble.
Carlie: We will be having WORDS about this, Edmund. For now, just get out.
(Carlie and Stella driving home, Stella covered in bandages. Voice over in Stella's voice again)
Voice Over: I can't bring myself to regret the decisions that brought me to 4X. They also
brought me to my truck, which I am definitely starting to like.
(They arrive at the burnt remains of the house)
Charles: Er...Stells...looks like we're sleeping in the truck tonight.
Stella: (sighs) you forgot to extinguish the microwave, didn't you.
Charles: Well, I thought since it rained so much...
Stella: You are such an idiot.
Charles: Sorry, Stells.
Stella: And there is NO WAY that I am sleeping in that pathetic excuse for a vehicle.
Charles: Well, it's there or in the rain.
Stella: Okey-dokey. But I bagsy the cabin.
Charles: But Stells, can't we share – I want to sleep in the dry too.
Stella: Ew, no way. You can sleep in the back.