As of today, I am officially the second girl to jump onto the AP bandwagon (Mikki beat me to it!). Some of you saw it coming, didn't you? No? Well, if not, get ready for one hell of a ride. This is gonna be a doozy.
In order to read this properly (without thinking I'm on crack for writing Sarah this way), it'd be best if you were properly acquainted with Wepdiggy's spectacular Adorable Psycho franchise. Wep, your creation is pure genius - I've never had so much fun with a story before, and it's definitely taught me to broaden my writing horizons. I hope I've done your Sarah justice and added a little "CE flair" into the mix.
Acknowledgments go out to Wepdiggy and the rest of the contributors on the AP bandwagon for helping me get a better grasp on our adorably psychotic CIA agent. And as always, special thanks to mxpw and Liam2 for their ever-awesome input.
By the way, this story takes place a right before mxpw's Adorable Psycho Versus The Nine Months. And like every AP story, some really crazy shiz is about to go down. Read at your own risk, and remember - I warned you. ;)
"You've got to be kidding me."
Sarah stared at the obnoxiously large sign as they drove beneath the archway, going so far as to twist around in her seat to stare some more. Then she turned back to her boyfriend, an eerie Casey-like scowl on her face.
"What the hell, Chuck? Disneyland?"
Chuck blinked, taken aback. "What d'you mean? How can you not love the 'Happiest Place on Earth'?"
Sarah gave him a strange look. "I've been to the 'Happiest Place on Earth', Chuck, and I'm pretty sure it's a hell of a lot raunchier than this place." She shrugged. "Besides, I've never actually been to Disneyland before."
Chuck gaped at her, scandalized. "You've never been —you don't—that should be a crime, Sarah!"
The blonde rolled her eyes playfully, settling back into the seat. "Okay, so we're here. What's the special occasion, anyway?"
Chuck hesitated, his grip tightening on the wheel. "Uh…well…"
Sarah cocked her head, bewildered. Then, without warning, the pieces clicked into place and sent her thoughts spiraling. Within the span of a second her questioning gaze had completely iced over.
"You're not trying to butter me up for another skank mission again, are you, Chuck?" She growled, her nails digging into the armrest between them. "'Cause if you are, let me remind you in excruciatingly graphic detail exactly what those consequences entail—"
"Wha…No! Of course not!" Chuck blurted indignantly, the color draining from his face at the far-from-subtle threat. "And those were completely justifiable missions, Sarah! I had orders!"
"Sluts still had it coming," Sarah muttered, blowing a stray hair out of her face.
Chuck deliberately ignored the remark. "Look," he began reluctantly, "the truth is, I guess I thought this would be a good way to celebrate you not hitting your quota for the week—"
The expected "WHAT?!" still sent Chuck swerving towards the curb.
Sarah was gawking at him in wild shock. "You…you thought Disneyland was a good way to celebrate?! What about the celebratory screw? You're saying we could've had hot, mind-blowing sex in the comfort of our own home and you traded it in for Disneyland?!" Her expression crumbled, voice suddenly much smaller. "Is something wrong with the usual reward, Chuck?"
Chuck immediately backpedalled, horror etched into his face. "N-no, you know that's not what I meant! I-I mean, our love-making is positively fantastic, don't get me wrong, I just thought this would be a nice way to celebrate too, and I figured we could always do that later on tonight, as much as you want!"
Sarah's hurt expression still hadn't dissolved, even after that last statement. Chuck sighed in defeat and ran a hand through his hair.
"Come on, Sarah. You know how much I love you. Just…just go along with it this time, okay? It'll be fun, I promise." He reached over and gently tilted her chin upward, offering his most disarming and reassuring smile. "Please?"
Well crap, she obviously couldn't ignore that heart melting puppy-dog look of his. Damn him and his kryptonite-inducing methods.
"Fine," Sarah grumbled, slumping in her seat.
Chuck's grin was blinding. Leaning over the armrest, her gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
"You're going to love this place, Sarah. Trust me."
Damn straight I better, Sarah pouted silently, unbuckling her seatbelt as the car came to a stop.
Either way, you've got some serious sexing up to do tonight.
Chuck and Sarah's Fantasmic Disneyland Adventure
Adorable Psycho Versus Disneyland
An Adorable Psycho story
As it was fast becoming the habit for the day, Sarah stood motionless in the middle of the bustling crowd on Main Street, staring blankly ahead at what the park map apparently called "Sleeping Beauty's Castle". Chuck slipped an arm around her waist, smiling.
"So, what do you think?"
Sarah stared for a moment longer, then turned her blank expression to him. "I still don't see why you couldn't have just given me a good plowing."
An appalled gasp had them both looking to their right, where a stout woman holding the hand of her 4-year-old daughter had come to an abrupt halt. Chuck immediately burst into awkward laughter.
"Plowing…tool…for the garden back home! I know it's what you love to do best, honey, but you know how expensive those hoes—I mean tools!—can get—"
With a huff, the woman hurried the girl along, but not before throwing a withering glare in their direction. Chuck looked stricken for a moment then sighed.
"I feel like I should remind you that we're in an amusement park filled with families and kids," he said, breaking into an amused grin, "but I'm guessing you caught her drift?"
Sarah snorted, unrepentant. "There's nothing wrong with my proclamations of love."
"Might be better to keep it subtle, hon."
"Is that a challenge?" Her eyes gleamed in excitement.
Chuck blinked. "You're not serious, are you?" Off her raised eyebrows, "Wow, you're serious. Uh, that actually might not be a good idea, but hey, if you can do it, then—you know what, why don't we look at the—" He hastily pulled open the park map and began walking.
Sarah smirked, looping her arm in his. "This might be more fun than I thought."
This was decidedly not more fun.
They were everywhere. Why the hell did people waste their time coming to a place like this? It was like trying to shove your way through a mosh pit of excited little 10-year-olds! Except it wasn't just 10-year-olds, oh no—there were obnoxious teenagers and creepy middle-agers and whiny toddlers with snot dripping down their noses because Mommy or Daddy wouldn't let them ride that awesome big-kid ride called Space Mountain—
Speaking of which…
"Are you kidding me?!" Sarah screeched, eyes practically bulging out of their sockets as she gawked at the archway entrance to Space Mountain. She whirled around to face Chuck, jabbing her finger at the current waiting time posted. "Two hours? Two hours for a fucking ride?!"
"Language, Sarah!" Chuck hissed in exasperation, pulling her off to the side. He glanced at the sign again and sighed. "Okay, I know, two hours is a bit much. Space Mountain is one of the most popular rides in the park, so it's not really surprising. A lot of the lines are around an hour long…"
Sarah was staring at him like he'd grown a second head. "You brought me to an amusement park knowing that we'd have to stand in hour-long lines? It's like you don't know me at all!"
"I honestly didn't expect it to be this crowded!" Chuck replied, indignant. "I mean, today's Sunday! And we're not even near holiday season!"
Sarah wasn't even listening to him anymore. She turned back to the sign, her expression mournful.
"Two hours!" She repeated incredulously. "Do you realize what else we could be doing instead of waiting in a fuc—freakin'," she quickly amended at Chuck's warning look, "two-hour line?"
If Chuck was aware of what she had in mind, he certainly didn't show it. "We don't have to wait in line for this," he offered tentatively. "I mean, we can always ride something else and come back to Space Mountain when it's less crowded—"
"I can think of a couple of things I'd like to ride, Chuck," Sarah deadpanned. "Just one, actually, but my boyfriend decided to take the word completely out of context and bring me here instead."
Chuck cringed. Yeah, he set himself up for that one. With another sigh (he seemed to be sighing a lot today), he slipped his hand in hers and pulled her back towards the archway.
"It's not as bad as you think, sweetie. See?" He pointed above the dreaded wait time sign, where the word "FastPass" was plastered across another panel. "Disneyland has this neat thing called 'FastPasses'. You take a pass for a ride and come back at the designated time, and the waiting time for the ride is cut in half. More than that, actually—you'll be on in thirty minutes, tops."
"We still have to wait thirty minutes to ride the stupid ride," Sarah replied sulkily.
"Trust me, it'll be worth it." Chuck smiled. "There's a strategy for these FastPasses, Sarah. And when it comes to strategy, we both know you're the best." He gave her a pointed look.
Sarah shrugged. She couldn't argue with that.
Chuck looked at the time for FastPass, then down at his watch. "Well, it's 11:15 now, and the time to come back for Space Mountain FastPasses is 1:00. We'll grab a pass, ride a couple of the rides that have shorter wait times, grab some lunch, and then come back. How's that sound?"
Sarah opened her mouth to give some sort of sarcastic remark. But then she caught that look on his face again, and the words instantly dissolved. A sigh escaped from her lips instead, which Chuck happily accepted as a response.
"Great!" He tugged her away from the archway and back into that godforsaken crowd, an excited grin lighting up his entire face. "How about we check out Fantasyland? There are some pretty awesome kiddie rides there I think you'll enjoy…"
Sarah barely suppressed the groan.
Okay, this is just plain ridiculous.
She was surrounded by a horde of kids—in fact, Fantasyland was positively teeming with the pint-sized brats. They were currently in line for Mad Tea Party, and aside from all the parents, she swore that she and Chuck were the only adults voluntarily waiting to ride those…spinning teacups.
Sarah shot her boyfriend a glare from the corner of her eye. She wasn't particularly happy with him at the moment, either. Because they were in what he liked to call a "very family-friendly" area, Chuck had insisted they keep the PDA to a minimum. Seriously, what was wrong with a little groping every now and then? First he decides to deprive her of her favorite pastime and now this? Sarah gritted her teeth. She was giving up a lot for this Disneyland trip of his. Chuck had another thing coming if he thought he'd be keeping his clothes on by the end of the night.
A high-pitched squeal pulled Sarah out of her moody thoughts. Two little girls in front of her were chattering relentlessly, their gazes glued to the rotating teacups below. One of the girls tugged on her mother's pant leg, bouncing up and down in excitement.
"I wanna ride on the pink one! Mommy, can we ride the pink one?"
"No!" The older girl shrieked, latching onto the other leg. "I wanna ride the blue one, Mom! We rode the pink one last time, remember?"
"Ew, blue's a boy color! Why would you want to ride in the boy teacup?!"
"It is not a boy teacup! Look, there are girls riding in the blue one, see?"
"Soooo? Mom, tell her the pink teacup is better!"
Both girls began wailing. Their mother played deaf for all of five seconds before the two broke out into a mini slap-fest and she was forced to pull them apart.
Oh God. Sarah sucked in a shuddering breath, resisting the urge to bash someone's face in. On the bright side, she supposed this little display served a good purpose: when she and Chuck finally have kids (she needed to face it—with all their plowing it's bound to happen sooner or later), she'll most likely think back on this moment, remember the horrors of whiny, prepubescent bitch-fights and desperately hope for a boy.
Suddenly she felt several pairs of eyes on her. Blinking, Sarah looked to the curious gazes of the girls, then to the downright nasty glare of their mother (and a few other parents nearby), and finally to the shaking head of one Charles Bartowski. She quickly rewound through her thoughts.
Crap, did I say that last part out loud?
Conveniently, the line began moving forward, and the mother hastily pushed her girls toward a blue teacup as Chuck and Sarah headed for green. Over her sister's fuss, the older girl clung to her mother's wrist and spared a glance towards the couple, her brow furrowed in confusion.
"Mom, what's a 'bitch-fight'?"
Two minutes later, Sarah hopped off the teacup with a new bounce to her step.
"That was fantastic," she gushed, eyes sparkling in delight. "Why didn't you tell me these rides were so fun?"
Chuck stumbled out of the cup after her, a little more than disoriented. He took a moment to gain back his footage before shooting his girlfriend a strange look. "I did! You wouldn't listen to me!" He paused, holding a hand to his head. "How the heck did you spin us so fast? I didn't even touch the wheel!"
Sarah shrugged. "I did what I always do. I put my back into it."
They both stopped to ponder that for a few seconds. Then the moment was over and Sarah was pulling him toward the exit gates, her excitement bubbling over.
"Let's go again!"
"Or," Chuck interrupted, eyes wide, "how about we take a lunch break first then try out some other rides? We've only got a limited amount of time to ride everything, you know."
Sarah's expression flashed disappointment for a moment, but she quickly replaced the look with a mysterious smile. Chuck didn't miss the sudden switch, either. His eyes narrowed in confusion.
"Food sounds great right about now, actually," she said brightly, pulling the park map out of his back pocket (making sure to drag her fingers as she did so) and snapping it open. "There's actually a restaurant I was looking at earlier..."
"Mmmm," Sarah moaned, licking the last of the chowder from a broken piece of her sourdough bread bowl. "This clam chowder is delicious. Don't you think so, Chuck?"
Chuck pursed his lips and nodded as he vigorously swirled his own chowder, half unfinished, within the bread bowl. "Yep. Absolutely delicious."
"It was such a great idea to come to the French Market for this." Sarah crossed her legs and smiled at him.
"Well, the French do it best—the food!" He blurted loudly when he saw the smirk on her face. "I'm talking about the food! They make some great clam...chowder..." He trailed off, brow furrowing. What the hell? French clam chowder? Since when had Disney become so unoriginal?
"Well, either way," Sarah continued casually, leaning over to dip her spoon into Chuck's bread bowl. That definitely snapped his attention back to her. "I've never tasted anything like this before. There's just something about Disneyland chowder..."
She helped herself to another slow and sensuous bite, moaning again. "God, I love how the flavor just explodes in my mouth—"
There was a loud scraping sound as Chuck shot up from his chair. Sarah and several other families nearby gave him curious looks.
"Y-you know, I should—I have to—" He gestured wildly in two opposite directions before settling on the left, "I think the little boy's room is that way—I'll just—" Without another word he shuffled out of the dining area, his steps quick and erratic.
Only after he had disappeared into the crowd did the blonde finally break into quiet laughter.
Chuck had been right: she was having a blast.
And she had to admit that the Chuck and Sarah Dynamic Duo were pretty kickass today. Thanks to Chuck's expertise on everything Disneyland (which was incredibly nerdy and sexy at the same time, for some odd reason) and Sarah's ability to plow her way through the massive crowds (apparently her term of endearment worked well even outside of its usual sexual context), they had been on nine rides in the past five hours, lunch and snack breaks included.
Even better was the fact that she'd successfully managed to slip in several more subtle innuendos throughout the day, sending Chuck into a series of stumbles, stammers, and even the occasional flustered bathroom run. The one that topped the list was right after they'd ridden down Splash Mountain—she'd leaned flush up against him and whispered, "God, this ride made me so wet" in her most sultry voice, and he'd literally squeaked. Out loud. Needless to say, he'd nearly fallen flat on his face en route to the men's room, and Sarah bought the overpriced picture just to commemorate the event.
They were walking through Fantasyland now, Sarah proudly sporting a Minnie Mouse hat and slurping away at an apple juice slushie. She was halfway through humming the chorus of "It's a Small World" when suddenly—
Chuck nearly collided into her as she came to an abrupt halt in the middle of the walkway, the straw falling away from her lips.
"Sarah? What's wrong?"
If there was anything Chuck expected from his girlfriend at that moment, a squeal wasn't one of them. But that's exactly what she did—an honest to god, high-pitched squeal that suddenly made him wonder just how many of her childhood traits were resurfacing during this trip to Disneyland.
Sarah whirled around and clutched his shoulders, her face positively glowing with excitement.
"Do you see that?"
Chuck peered around her, confused. "Uh, what exactly am I—"
Sarah grabbed his face and turned it towards the entrance to Fantasyland's newest attraction, Beast's Castle, where a woman in an unmistakable yellow dress was strolling about. After a moment or so of smiling and waving at the throng of people lined up outside the castle, she curtsied and made her way inside.
Chuck blinked and turned to his girlfriend. "Belle from Beauty and the Beast? What about her?"
For a moment Sarah looked as though she wanted to slap him across the face. Then she seemed to reconsider, expression softening.
"I guess I never told you," she said, flushing pink, "but Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney films of all time. It was one of the movies my dad took me to during one of our movie-hopping weekends. I absolutely loved Belle's dress."
A goofy smile spread across Chuck's face at her confession. "Aw, Sarah Walker wanted to wear a frilly yellow princess dress as a kid? That's so adorable—"
Sarah's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You've given me enough shit for Glee, buddy. Don't push your luck." She suddenly brightened. "But whatever, let's go!"
Chuck faltered. "H-huh?"
Sarah took one last sip from her slushie before tossing it into the trash. "You and I are going to meet the best Disney character ever to be introduced on this earth." She linked her arm in his and proceeded to drag him towards the entrance to Beast's Castle with a renewed burst of enthusiasm. Chuck simply balked.
"Uh, you do realize that the line to meet and greet a Disney Princess like Belle is at least an hour long, right?"
That stopped Sarah short. She turned around and shot him an incredulous look. "Are you serious?"
Chuck nodded and pointed to the long line extending out at least thirty yards away from the castle entrance.
Sarah stared. "The hell? That's the line?"
Chuck nodded again and sighed. "Look, it's alright, Sarah, maybe if we come back a little later the line will be—"
"Screw it. I'll wait."
Chuck gaped at her. "You're actually going to wait?"
Sarah raised her chin stubbornly. "If it means meeting my favorite Disney Princess, then it's completely worth it."
"You…you realize that we've got a FastPass for Matterhorn—"
Sarah growled at him. "We're waiting."
"Yes'm," Chuck stammered.
As it was with any line, Sarah's mood rapidly soured as the minutes dragged on. When a young man dressed as a servant came out to increase the waiting time on the sign outside the doors an extra fifteen minutes, Chuck had to physically block Sarah from reaching out to strangle the poor guy's neck.
"Family friendly place, remember?" he murmured in her ear, massaging the back of her neck until she visibly relaxed. "Can't go wringing the necks of little men dressed in tights, especially in front of all the kids…"
Sarah forced a smile onto her face as the servant looked in her direction. She must've done a pretty crappy job, though, because his face went pale and he hurried back through the castle doors without a second glance.
The blonde grunted in satisfaction and turned back to Chuck. "This is absolutely ridiculous," she hissed under her breath, folding her arms across her chest. "We've been waiting for nearly half an hour and we're only at the door! How long does it take to fucking meet a princess? You and I could've found a bathroom and gone five rounds in the time it's taken to get to this point in the line!"
"Shhh!" Chuck whispered, his eyes darting around nervously. Then he added, "And it's more like three if we're thinking in realistic terms, but I get your point." He pulled her close and buried his face into her hair. "We can always leave and find something else to do if you don't think it's worth it—"
Sarah pulled away and looked at him like he was crazy. "Worth it? Of course it's worth it! We've waited this long, haven't we?" She shrugged nonchalantly. "How much worse can it get?"
"What the—you snotty little bitches!" Sarah raged, making a very rude gesture with her middle finger. Chuck quickly wrenched the offending hand down to her side as several people in front shot them dirty looks.
"Honey, not in front of the kids!"
"W—Didn't you see that?" The blonde exclaimed, giving him an incredulous look. "Those little skanks cut in line! Three of them! Do you realize how much longer we'll have to wait now?!"
"Sarah, those girls are like, eight."
"And I'm in my late twenties, whoop de friggen' doo," Sarah replied sarcastically. "We're all here for a purpose, and those little shits are ruining it for the rest of us."
Chuck puckered his lips for a moment. "Your language gets pretty vulgar when you're pissed, you know that?"
The look he received in response was like a kick in the nuts.
Chuck was seriously starting to get worried.
They were almost to the front of the line now; Belle was less than twenty feet away, deep in conversation with the three girls Sarah had wanted to shoot earlier. But that was just it—Sarah had left for a "quick bathroom break" over ten minutes ago, and she still hadn't returned. If she didn't come back soon and ended up missing this chance…Chuck shuddered to think of the consequences. As much as he loved his girlfriend, she was still a badass CIA agent who scared the crap out of him whenever she decided to go psycho on everyone's ass.
Chuck started and looked around—the preteens who had been standing in front of him were gone, and a mousy-looking man dressed as a squire was giving him a semi-bored look from his post, a fake smile plastered on his face.
"Sir," he repeated, "you're next in line to meet with the princess. Do you have your camera and autograph book ready?"
Shit! How'd he get to the front of the line so fast? Chuck fidgeted in place, trying to find a way to stall. "Y'know, actually, I'm waiting for my girlfriend—she's using the restroom right now, she'll be back in a bit." He spun around and motioned toward the family waiting behind him. "Maybe you can let them go before me…?"
The squire's smile seemed to falter for a split second. "I'm sorry, sir, my job is to keep this line in order and make sure everything runs smoothly. If your girlfriend isn't here, you'll have to meet with the princess alone. Otherwise, I'll have to ask you to kindly step out of line."
Whoa. Harsh. He had to admit, Disney sure knew how to run a place. Chuck took one last glance behind him for any signs of Sarah. No luck. The squire was staring at him expectantly (along with the rest of the line, it seemed), so without another word Chuck dragged himself towards the smiling princess in yellow.
"Hello, monsieur," Belle greeted with a curtsy, her expression warm. "How are you doing today?"
Chuck gave an awkward wave. "Uh, hi! I'm doing fine, actually, I'm just—" Another glance back—"my girlfriend is supposed to be here right now, she had to go to the little girl's room, she really wanted to meet you…"
The princess gasped. "Oh, I'm sorry. Is she alright?"
"What…? Oh, no, no, she's fine!" Chuck said with a quick wave. "I just…I don't know if she'll get back in time, and I know you're on a tight schedule. Here, you know what—" He dug out a small BuyMore notepad and pen from his shoulder bag and handed it to Belle. "D'you think you could maybe write an autograph to her? I know she'd appreciate it."
"Of course." Belle offered him a dazzling smile. "I'm sorry I won't be able to meet her, she sounds like a lovely girl."
A woman dressed as a maid approached them, her hands clasped. "Your camera, sir?"
"Oh, right!" Chuck reached into his bag for the camera and turned it on before handing it to her. It was only when he'd gone back to Belle and positioned himself for the photo that the utter stupidity of his actions finally hit him. Well, that and the fact that he suddenly heard in his head a shrill and all-too familiar female voice: "You stay the fuck away from her!"
Belle started as Chuck leapt away from her with a yelp. "A-actually, maybe a picture isn't the best idea!"
The princess held a hand to her chest, bewildered. "Why not?"
Chuck wracked his brain for an explanation that didn't sound insane. Well, you see, Belle, despite you being my girlfriend's favorite Disney Princess, you're also a very pretty brunette standing within a twenty-foot radius of her territory, and—
"Oh, I'm sure he can think of a few reasons."
Sarah Walker stood before them, hands casually folded across her chest and a dangerous glint in her eye. Chuck audibly gulped.
Ah, one can only imagine what Sarah's going to do now. Well, not really. You'll find out in the next chapter, and I can already guarantee that it's going to be absolutely Fantasmic. Hee.
For those of you wondering, "When the hell is she going to update Closet Gleek?!"...I'll get to it soon. I've kind of hit a roadblock on figuring out how to conclude everything, and then school decided to bombard me with the hell known as "midterms", and then this story kind of just popped into my head and I couldn't let it go...so yes. Stay tuned.