Author: Meltha

Rating: G

Feedback: Yes, thank you.

Spoilers: Through Deathly Hallows

Distribution: The Blackberry Patch and . If you're interested, please let me know.

Summary: Pretend for a moment that in the world of Harry Potter, Father Christmas is real. Here are letters some of the wizarding world might write to the jolly old elf.

Disclaimer: All characters are owned by J. K. Rowling, a wonderful author whose characters I have borrowed for a completely profit-free flight of fancy. Kindly do not sue me, please, as I am terrified of you. Thank you.

Dear Father Christmas,

For pity's sake, Transfigure me back! I am NOT Blitzen! My name is Alphonsus Montague, and the bloody Weasley twins turned me into a bloody reindeer after I nearly bloody died in that stupid bloody Vanishing Cabinet last year! I realize nobody noticed that I was gone for several days the last time, but this is ridiculous! I've been stuck as a reindeer for nearly thirteen months and no one has missed me? I think there must be memory charms involved here, too. Those bleeding idiots ought to be thrown in Azkaban!

It took me this long to find someone who could speak reindeer and English and could write you a letter explaining the situation. I will never, ever underestimate a garden gnome again. (Transcriptionist's Note: As well he shouldn't!) Can you just please make me a human again? I really hate oats.

By the way, Vixen is seriously considering kicking you in the head if you make her wear that stupid jingle bell harness again this year, and I can't say I blame her. Also, if you try to go to Mad-Eye's house again this year, then YOU'RE the mad one.

Undo it already!

Signed,

Alphonsus Montague, who is not a bloody reindeer and who does not appreciate that whip even if it is just for show