title: suck it
author: ohwhatsherface
disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, females wouldn't always be damsels. Or fodders. I mean, Tsunade couldn't even die gloriously like every other Hokage. Noooooo. Naruto saves the day and she goes into a coma. Not this awesome, epic death—a coma. LAMELAMELAME.
note: I LOVE SAKURA. I hated how in 483, Kakashi was just like "Okay, Sakura, go take the other one with ovaries and leave. The men are talking." SO LAME. SO LAME.

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Sakura was annoyed.

It simply wouldn't do to gloat and point tauntingly and do a happy dance when she didn't win fairly. Sakura scowled at her two favourite boys.

"Okay, seriously, you guys have to stop," she ordered sternly. "This whole pulling-your-punches thing? Yeah, it's insulting to me as a kunoichi, and me as a woman. WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME TO GO BACK IN THE FREAKING KITCHEN?"

Naruto had the grace to look confused. "What do you mean, Sakura-chan?" He pouted cutely but Sakura wasn't moved. "I totally punch you right!"

Sasuke just stared at her with 'I don't know what you're talking about' written clearly on his face.

"I'm serious!" Sakura continued, pointing at them accusingly. "It's annoying, you guys."

Sasuke sighed. "Look, we just don't want you to get hurt."

When it went deathly silent, Sasuke immediately figured that that was definitely not the right thing to say. Naruto, cringing, mentally did a countdown before Mount Sakura erupted.

"...EXCUSE ME?!" she thundered, grabbing Sasuke by the collar of his shirt. To his credit, Sasuke didn't look at all fazed, though that only served to infuriate her further. "LIKE YOU CAN HURT THIS SAKURA!"

Naruto pulled Sasuke away from Sakura and got between them lest the Uchiha say something else to anger Sakura. "That's not what he meant, Sakura-chan!"

"Is that so?" Sakura questioned calmly—too calmly.

"Really!" The blond gulped. "Just... uh... just... boys have thicker skin." Naruto paused and shook his head. "Wait, no! I mean—"

"Are you calling me dainty?" Sakura hissed, poking Naruto in the chest harshly. He stood his ground, however, though it was a bit difficult. "ARE YOU SAYING I AM WEAK?!"

"NO!" Naruto immediately replied.

"You're not weak. We're just stronger."

Naruto whipped around to gape at Sasuke for being so utterly tactless. The unspoken message of 'YOU FREAKING MORON' went unnoticed or ignored by Sasuke, who just shrugged. He looked at Sakura as though she was a child throwing a temper tantrum over nothing.

Sakura, with her head bowed, was shaking—in anger, of course, though that part went unknown to the boys.

Sasuke scowled. "Are you crying—"

"OKAY, ASSHOLES!" she yelled, glaring, "WHY DON'T YOU COME TALK TO ME WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A DEMON IN YOUR BELLY OR A SPECIAL BLOOD INHERITANCE OR A POWER BOOSTER FROM A FREAKY PEDOMAN? AND WHEN, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH BEING REGULAR. REALLY. REALLY."

Naruto winced. "Sakura-chan! You're being unreasonable."

"I AM NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!" Sakura growled. She stood inches away from him with her finger in his face. Naruto fought hard not to whimper. "I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS CRAP. The punch-pulling, the Sakura-go-watch-the-client on missions, the stepping in front of me because you thought I was about to get hit but so had a counterattack ready, or worse, the Sakura-go-heal-whatshisface-while-I-boost-my-ego-by-fighting-your-battle—YEAH, NO, MORONS." Sakura slapped at them both to vent. "I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS SHIT ANY LONGER."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "So what are you trying to say?"

"WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT YOU GUYS NEED TO SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO MAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN SANDWICHES."

Naruto pouted. "Sakura-chan, you're not being very nice."

Sakura rolled her eyes snidely. "Oh, am I being too mean? Are you going to faint, Naru-chan?"

Sasuke smirked at Naruto, who was sporting a blush. "You fainted?"

"THAT ISN'T THE POINT," Sakura interrupted before they could begin a bromantic squabble full of not-pulled-punches. "THE POINT IS THAT YOU TWO ARE EPIC CAVEMEN AND WON'T—"

She was cut off when Sasuke punched her.

Or well, he tried. With their close proximity, Sakura immediately picked up on the body language and ducked, pushing away his arm with her own when it came hear. She stared at Sasuke in shock. "WHAT THE HELL, SASUKE?!"

He looked exasperated. "You just told me to punch you."

"OH, AND OF COURSE YOU'D LISTEN TO ME WITHOUT EVEN THINKING, RIGHT? UGH, YOU ARE SUCH A TOOL!" Sakura raised her fists, causing them both to flinch, but decided not to waste her energy on them. "SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME."

"Wait, Sakura-chan!" Naruto bowed his head solemnly, the first sign of that technique. "Sakura-chan, please don't be mad. We never meant for you to feel—"

"NOT THE TIME FOR SPEECH NO JUTSU, NARUTO." At his petulant pout, Sakura sneered. "That only works on the weak-minded."

Naruto looked confused. "But it always works on Sasuke!"

The 'everything works on Sasuke' and 'EXACTLY!' went unspoken. Sasuke and Naruto, both slightly miffed but more so confused, could only watch.

Suddenly, a light bulb went off in Naruto's head and he grinned. "Oh, I get it! You're on your period!"

Beside him, Sasuke snorted. "And you say I'm tactless?"

Sakura went rigid, giving up on her breathing exercises and punched Naruto in the jaw.

"UGH, YOU TWO WILL NEVER LEARN."

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Okay, I make fun of manga via fic too much. :D