AUTHOR'S NOTE:Hey there again! I finally made a RukaxAkatsuki fanfic of my own for once. I hope ya'll like it. By the way, certain parts in the story will give off some spoilers from the manga and anime series. So for those who haven't yet finished the show, you've been warned when reading this.

The song fics are from Evanescence and 3 Doors Down, which are one of my favorite lyrics from the two artists. They fit the characters perfectly, especially Ruka on her part. And I hope you feel the same way too. So please read, review, and enjoy ;)

DISCLAIMER:Once again, Vampire Knight, the characters, and the two songs don't belong to me, blah, blah, blah….


*Please, please forgive me

But I won't be home again

Maybe someday you'll have woke up

And barely conscious, you say to no one

Isn't something missing?……*

Ruka stares at the red full moon, standing by the huge elegant window of her bedroom. She hugs herself from the cool air, the breeze gently brushing past her cascading honey brown hair. Her dusky rose eyes show a sense of wonder and sadness from her train of thoughts. She sighs regrettably. It was a tranquil, yet lonely night. It's always like this. And so is the pain. That seemingly irreplaceable, aching feeling is always there, lingering within the smallest core of Ruka's fragile heart. As much as she tries to fight the pain, it remains as a never ending battle.

She feels it whenever she sees him. She feels it whenever she sees her with him. And the twisted heartache worsens whenever she witness the two purebloods' loving embrace, locked in each other's eyes with such devotion and sincerity. Ruka hates those moments more than anything else from them.

Because at the end of the day, she has to face the harsh reality that it isn't her in his strong arms. In her beloved Kaname-Sama's eyes, she is not that girl he's gazing at with awe and admiration right then and there. And obviously never will be.

*You won't cry for my absence, I know

You forgot me long ago

Am I that unimportant?

Am I so insignificant?

Isn't something missing?

Isn't someone missing me?*

Ruka knows she needed to move on and let go. She needs to release herself from this kind of torment she endures everyday. She needs to be happy for them as closure, and she wants to be. But that doesn't stop her from questioning on why she's not the fortunate one. Why? Why couldn't she win?

She may show a form of acknowledgement to her new pureblood princess, the human-turned-vampire Yuuki Cross, but she hasn't completely got over the deep grudge against her either. Ruka still secretly feels this way, only not as hateful due to respect. After all, the girl was always a mystery to her disliking as well as interference with her love life. Ruka never understood how the mortal held a special place in her leader's heart, the places she was unable to fill herself. Ruka Souen, a divining beauty of the night---suffering from envy over a mere, weak little human. How despicable.

My, how the tables have turned in Ruka's favor is beyond her. She never would have dreamed to discover Yuuki was meant to be born into their vampiric world. Worst of all, she's truly the other half of Kaname-Sama, his biological sister after all these years. She is one of her kind now, even more superior. She is Ruka's equal by beauty, grace, youth, and nobility. In other words, the little princess has the opportunity to steal Ruka's dream. She has won his love, and will spend joyous eternity not as his sister, but chosen soul mate. This sickens Ruka more. Does this mean she has been defeated by a human girl? Is her existence no longer an importance to her Kaname-Sama? She finally realize that this dream is one that will never come true for her.

*Even though I'd be sacrificed

You won't cry for me, not now

Though I'd die to know you love me

I'm all alone

Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me

But I won't be home again

I know what you do to yourself

Shudder deep and cry out

Isn't something missing?Isn't someone missing me?*

Ruka sometimes wish she was a kid again. How relief it would be to go back and be small, being protected and catered by others rather than handling hardships and obstacles herself. Such concepts in life holds no real meaning for a little girl to think about. Whether she is born vampire or not, she is a woman first. A woman with dreams, needs, wants…and freedom.

But the main reason she wish to go back in time is to relive the precious moments they spent together as children. The only thing that distracts Ruka from her depression is whenever she thinks about the past. Those were wonderful memories. Their first encounter changed Ruka's world forever. The dark chocolate brown hair, those gorgeous blood wine eyes, his angelic posture and demeanor….she was mesmerized by them all. Not even her childhood friends couldn't surpass his godly presence. As much as she loved her friends, it was only him she wanted to build a lifetime journey with.

Was it obsession back then? No, it was real love. Even as a child, Ruka understood her feelings for Kaname-Sama. She always did. Her love for him was just as real and powerful than those foolish Day Class girls' could ever be. She pledged her entire soul to him, making him proud of having a strong, beautiful companion by his side. The past was the time when they focused on their close friendship, when he had eyes set only for her alone, when he believed no other woman could make him complete other than her.

The past was also the time when there was never a Yuuki Cross.

Ruka stops her daydreaming and frowns. It was selfish and a little wicked of her to that this way. But it is true. Occasionally, Ruka does wish that Yuuki had never been born. If she had never existed, if she had never entered Kaname-Sama's life, then maybe, just maybe---the two would become the item she knows they're meant to be. She would win instead.

But the fact that she does have these menacing thoughts scares her at the same time. Does this make her an ugly person? Has her envy turned her into this spiteful creature, a person of shame and greed this whole time? Or is this natural? Jealously is a part of nature, Ruka knows this much. Everyone holds some kind of envy in their hearts, human and vampire alike. But if these feelings are what changed her way of thinking, they have definitely transformed her image for some time now.

Never do she wants people to see the hideous side of her, especially not to Kaname-Sama. Just what would he think of her now if he was to see such weakness? She's an aristocrat for God's sake! She has been admired as a beauty goddess her whole life. Well. She sure didn't feel that way now. Ruka closes her eyes and takes a breath, fighting to hold the tears at bay. She truly is a pathetic person…..

*Even though I'd be sacrificed

You won't cry for me, not now

Though I'd die to know you love me

I'm all alone

Isn't someone missing me?*

Ruka reopens her eyes after centering herself and stares into nothingness outside. She wonders if Kaname-Sama ever thinks about the past too. She wonders if he cherish the bonds they shared together as kids, the friendship they've created. She seriously doubts it. With Yuki Kuran in his life for eternity, he has erased those memories by his blindness of love for the 'little princess'. That is what she is to him now. A forgotten memory, and nothing more. This is the truth she would have to live through until the end of her immortal days.

But despite everything in the past, Ruka still remembers other good moments with her friends. They were the ones that came into her life first. From the joy of teasing Hanabusa, to trying out those disgusting (to her) pocky snacks with Rima and Shiki for the first time, to building tall sand castles with Akatuski.

Akatsuki……

Another twisted feeling suddenly builds inside Ruka's chest when mentioning the tall, red haired vampire. But why? Yes, Akatsuki is her best friend, the only one she's closest to since they were little. He's always there over her shoulder, whether or not she's in the mood for company. But because of Akatsuki's company, Ruka has her 'comfort blanket' to run to from the roughest days, particularly the rejections from Kaname-Sama.

What does he do? He responds to the embracing hugs, never flinching or pulling away. He listens to her sobs or anger or despair, never interrupting. He recognizes her various emotions faster than others, never blind or ignorant. He continues being by her side, watching over her, moving forward instead of looking back. Never regretting. And it is all for her. Akatsuki just seems so strong that way. The very amazing strength that Ruka appreciates everyday, truly she does. She just doesn't find the courage to say them out loud or to him directly. What a friend he is indeed. And yet….

What does she do in return? No, more like what can she do anyway? Just what can she offer Akatsuki with her helplessness? Ruka knows she doesn't have the same strength to fulfill her part of their friendship because of the depressing state she is in. Is that the reason why she never tries furthering herself to do so, even though she desperately wants to? Every now and then, she ask herself why Akatsuki puts up with her pathetic antics and arrogant, short-tempered attitude for years. She didn't deserve a good friend like him.

More importantly, since when did Ruka started feeling different on the thought of him? Where did all this uneasiness come from? Of course, she cares for him, but now the feeling is a little more--mutual. Definitely not in the friendly manner. Still, that was impossible. Ruka only feels this uneasiness from her love for only Kaname-Sama. Now this feeling is heading toward Akatsuki? What does this mean? This has to be some kind of silly infatuation because of her loneliness and nothing more.

Or could this be a feeling of new love? Oh, God no……..

*And if I bleed, I'll bleed

Knowing you don't care

And if I sleep just to dream of you

And wake without you there

Isn't something missing?

Isn't something……?*

Is that it? Is this the reason why she feels this uncomfortable pressure? Has she finally started to see that she's falling in love with her best friend now? Ruka puts her hand over her head, for she was beginning to feel dizzy. The confusing emotions are having a great toll over her senses. What is she doing to herself? Is she trying to put herself through more confusing agony? She knows how the two of them feel for each other, never further than that. Or has it been a long time ago? Ruka has been chasing someone else for so long to even notice.

And if that's the case…could this possibly change their relationship for the better? Or destroy it? Is it a good idea to go to the next step with him, if she has the audacity to do so now? Is this a sign for her to officially move on from the heartache and aim for something--or someone--new? Could she possibly do that without feeling she's betraying her undying love for Kaname-Sama? This is all too much to bear.

Besides, Ruka is completely unaware of Akatsuki's real thoughts about her. Surely, he doesn't feel that way to an extent, no doubt about that. Why would he? As mentioned before, there is absolutely nothing she would be able to give him if she did had the nerve to start a commitment with him. She would only cost more grief and misery. She doesn't want to inflict that kind of burden on him. He deserves better. It's not like she's afraid of what kind of person he'll turn out to be in the future. Akatsuki is wonderful in his own way, in more ways than one. That would never change. She just want the best for him too. He's done enough for her.

Oh yes, Akatsuki deserves so much more. He deserves to have a life of his own to experience and grow from. He needs someone that could make him feel the happiest man alive; someone who can stand on her own two feet, who can hold her head up high, who doesn't let foolish emotions get the best of her, who has her own backbone. He needs a girl who can protect him in the same way, and have her whole heart set for who he is alone. And that very same girl---can no longer be her. Ruka sees that now. No matter how much she might want to, she won't be able to grant those wishes for him. She's too weak. If only there was an easier way to tell Akatsuki to stop wasting time with her and move forward for his sake. It's for the best.

But if and when Akatsuki's ready to make that decision….could she forget about him precisely? Is there a small part of her that wouldn't want to see him go so fast? She wants him to be happy. So what the hell is she still trying to hold on to? Why is this uneasiness still happening in the subconscious of her mind? Why can't all this confusion just go away? Will this cruel game of love ever end?! Ruka mentally screams these questions to herself, trying to find the right answer to all of them. Until something makes her freeze and gazes back into her childhood memories again.

She's going back in time. She sees flashbacks of her and Akatsuki laughing together on the swings in the playground, working as a team building their sand castles, playing their endless game of tag, pulling off their hilarious prank of putting make-up on Adiou when sleeping, him caring for her wound when she scraped her knee, walking together side by side when entering Cross Academy, studying homework together, running to his chest and crying in front of him for the first time, taking his hand when he held it out for her at the dance, saving her life when the possessed Shiki almost assaulted her, still protecting her when fighting against Rido Kuran. And still over her shoulder when everyone left and followed the Pureblood Prince and Princess. Every path she took, he was always there. Always there…always there…always there….always there……. End of flash back.

A tear finally sheds down on her cheek. She now knows the answer.

*Even though I'd be sacrificed

You won't cry for me, not now

Though I'd die to know you love me

I'm all alone……

She gets it now. The memories helps her find the answer, the answer she should have known all along. She is in love with him. He's the one. Ruka had been so blind to see that Akatsuki is her true soul mate. She had taken the left turn for all these years, wasting her energy on the pureblood who didn't take a second thought of looking at her. She should have made the right turn. And find what was waiting for her the entire time. Instead, she treated him as a substitute for her purposes, a puppet without taking consideration for his feelings. A mere 'comfort blanket' he was treated alright.

Comfort blanket. Was that all he was to her?

More tears starts to pour down on her sorrowful face, releasing the pain she's been hiding freely. She doesn't care anymore. Her tears also speak for her. She curls herself into a ball at the corner of her dark room and rocking. The world seems to crumble over her, which describes how belittled she feels right now. Nothing can save her. The fact that Ruka only causes more pain to those around her without noticing makes her a curse to be reckoned with.

She never meant to cause Akatsuki more pain and loneliness by her unacknowledgement. He doesn't deserve her friendship, or kindness, or this newfound love she feels for him now. She makes up her mind that she loves him and doesn't regret it. Her mind is telling her to stand up, go to him, and make the final move that would close the gap between them forever. But she knows she's doing the right thing by not doing so, whether it's her bleeding heart telling her otherwise. If this is an act of love for him, then it's what she would do. It's the least she can do. He must go on and seek someone else to heal his loneliness. And she needs to accept the day when he might disappear out of her life for good.

Isn't something missing?

"Forgive me. Akatsuki", Ruka whispers in the dark. "Forgive me for everything". She's just meant to be alone. But maybe it's better this way. Everyone has found one another. Her beloved Kaname-Sama has Yuuki, Shiki has Rima, Aidou has Yori, Takuma has Seiren. And when the day comes, she gurantees that Akatsuki will have his right beloved.

She closes her eyes, letting the tears still fall down and shakes herself to sleep. If she could, she would never open her eyes again, never to return to the reality of another tomorrow.

Isn't someone missing me?……*

If she was to disappear from the world tomorrow, would there be someone missing her? It's a question that is probably better left unsaid and answered.


END NOTE: Well, that's it for this chapter. What do you guys think so far? That poor Ruka girl….she needs a hug. So does the character in the next and last chapter. But before you move on to ch. 2, please review this one first. Let me know what y'all think!