Summary: The Organization is on the quest for retrieving their leader's dignity and good night-sleep in the world, where one state consists of millions of planets, where space-ships are common traffic vehicles and where a force that is stronger than the Nobodies exists...
This is parody crossover of Organization XIII, Star Wars and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I put it in this section, not to crossovers, because the Nobodies play the main role in this
Warning: Some nasty words in next chapters. And my grammar. I totally suck at past tenses in English, that's why this is written in present tense. Sorry, please bear with it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, just my rotting brain. Organization XIII belongs to Square Enix, Star Wars to George Lucas and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to Douglas Adams.
A/N: Ok, I know there are so many Star Wars parodies that they aren't funny anymore, but please – if you're Orgy fan, give it a try. Reviews will make my little soul happy, even the flames (at least I can warm my always-so-cold coffee with them:)
THE NOBODY'S GUIDE TO THE STAR WARS
The darkest night reigns in The World That Never Was. Surprisingly. The almighty ruler of this dimension is sitting in his office on the highest top of the highest tower, reading through the report of the highest, erm tallest member of the Organization. The only source of light in the room is a small table-lamp.
Xemnas likes reports from Lexaeus. They can be read quite well, unlike some of those horrors other Nobodies are able to create. For example Xigbar's written display is always full of grammatical and syntactical errors and Freeshooter's characteristic slang idioms, most of which Xemnas isn't able to translate. Vexen scribbles so awfuly that even he can't read it after himself. Axel tends to write total science fiction, Luxord gambles with punctuation notes and Demyx skips from one thought to another without any warning.
But Lexaeus' writing is brief, clear and downright, his reports contain all the important information in understandable form. Xemnas reaches out after his white cup full of dark, warm, sweet, lovely coffee. "Top-level technology... space travelling... multi-racial society... adherence to the ancient religion – quite strange, really... Force of the elements of Light and Darkness..." Suddenly, the ruler of this non-existent world chokes with his coffee.
Then the tranquillity of the sleeping castle is interrupted by horrific scream.
Roughly awakened members of the Organization are materializing one by one on their chairs, awaiting an unexpected midnight meeting. In the matter of speech, of course. Not even Luxord is able to determine time in here.
If you were there now as well, you would found out, that sleepy Nobodies look strangely cute and harmless. You would also discover that Demyx isn't really using any hair gel or setting-lotion – despite of the general expectations – because his mullet is even at this moment looking the same as ever, so it must be part of his real heartless morphology. Unlike Marluxia, who apparently have forgotten one hair-curler in his mane.
Superior glances at all of the twelve faces that are looking up at him quite uncomprehendingly, and then slowly helds up his hand which is tightly holding Lexaeus' report. The rage he is hardly suppressing is clearly recognizable by the glow in his eyes and the light tremble of his raised arm. "Five," he says then with dangerously quiet voice.
To Lexaeus' credit it should be remarked, that he flinched barely noticebly; it seems that even the marble thrones around him are trying to draw away from him.
"Who. Is. This. Person?!"
"Erm, sir... I was not successful at gathering more information about him... let alone meeting him myself. I am terribly sorry, sir." Lexaeus' nervosity can be told by unbelievably high number of words in his statement.
Xemnas turns back to the report with disgruntled growl, starring at it furiously as if he could get his answers this way.
Other Nobodies glance nervously at each other for a while, till at last Saix gets enough courage to ask the Superior. "Sir? What person?"
Dark amber eyes slowly rise from the paper and for several long seconds stare at pale Seven, who is now really glad that he has no heart. "What person? Well let's see here: tall, mighty entity that used to be human once, always clad in black, controlling element of darkness known as the Dark Side of the Force, his old name is unknown and the recent one isn't dared to be spoken aloud and he apparently wields a weapon that resembles my aerial blades!!!"
Now finally everyone knows from where the wind blows.
So my orders are as follows: all missions are being temporarily canceled, until this BASTARD WHO HAS THE NERVE TO IMITATE ME ISN'T CAUGHT AND MADE TO REPENT THE DAY HIS FATHER DARED TO UNZIP HIS SLIT!!!" Xemnas takes a deep breath, visibly trying to cool down.
The rest of the Organization just stares at him in silent awe; it doesn't happen very often to see the Superior – breathing example of the perfect heartlessness – so put out beyond all borders of sanity. "You've got half an hour to pack," Xemnas continues more or less calmly. "And I recommend to attentively concentrating on your choice of equipment, for we don't know the enemy's awaresness about us, nor his skills or technology. That is why you will use your special abilities only in the most extreme cases, in order not to unnecessarily attract any unwanted attention, have I explained myself clearly?"
As an aswer there are nods, some mumbles and one raised elegant arm.
Superior sighs. There's always at least one. "Yes, Eleven?"
Marluxia smiles somewhat nervously. "Sir, shouldn't someone stay here to hold the castle? It wouldn't be wise to leave it just to the Dusks..."
"All right, all right, Eleven, this mission is yours. And for the rest of you, you've got your orders."
With this the meeting is dismissed and after half an hour the Organization gather in the castle's hangar in front of their high-tech Gummiship of elegant, elongated and slim design (that is on Axel's impulse called Durex behind Xemnas' back), ready for one of the most serious missions in the whole history of their non-existence.
But the Nobodies don't take into account the fact, that somewhere out there in the big mean Universe, there exist a force that is stronger than them. That force is called the Infinite Improbability...
A/N: One more thing, Xion isn't involved in this, because I don't like her. Right now I'm gonna piss off many Orgy fans, but I must say that I don't like 358/2 days either, actually it was the biggest dissapointment of the year 2009 for me. I mean, look at that storyline – you've already got 13 awesome, somewhat crazy and badass characters, there's so much things you can do with them (I can imagine Xigbar having a whole game for himself, or Demyx as a special appearance in Guitar Hero) and yet the people in charge of this must have drop there this emo goody-goody little girl who pushes all the cool guys to the background and makes this game all fairytale and slopy hero-of-light stuff. Argh! I naively thought that there would be place for characters of the Nobodies to be shown in more details, that there would be their personal interests and secrets, even something from their pasts... but nooooooo! Everything just turns around Sora again (sorry but I'm too old and cynic to get obsessed with some teenage I'm-chosen-to-fight-for-justice-and-love brat). There isn't even any decent footage with them whatsoever (there goes my hope for some tribute amv)... Ok, I stop with this before I get killed with furious fans. All I wanted to say is that this story contains only the original 13 members plus Namine in one chapter later on.