Disclaimer: Organization XIII belongs to Square Enix, Star Wars to George Lucas and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to Douglas Adams. There is also going to appear a little hint on FFVII which I don't own as well... if I did Seph would be still alive kickin' the whole world into its balls...

Warning: did I mentioned nasty vocabulary?

My apologies for such a delay, guys. Alas I won't be able to update more then once in a month from now on, so I beg for your patience – please follow this epic story into its grand finale, I swear it'll be fucking awesome!

Now enjoy!

Chapter 4: Planet of Bureaucrats

Three dark figures suddenly materialize out of nowhere and undignifiedly drop to dusty ground.

"Jesuschristgetoffmeitsfuckingcooooooooooold!" Axel screams almost hysterically and tries to crawl as fast as he can from under Vexen, who happened to land on him.

Naturally Four is on his feet and a few meters away before Eight even manages to finish his requierement. "Ew, I feel like I am going to melt away!" he shakes with disgust.

"Well by that you'd do a favour to us all," Axel smirks and crosses his arms over his chest in unspeakably insolent manner.

"You would do a favour to the whole world, if you could shut that hole in your face just once!"

"Heh. Make me..."

"Where the hell are we?" Roxas says out loud to avoid another war declaration between these two sworn enemies.

Icy green and atomic green gazes break away from each other with surprise and finally look around. What they can see is nothing but grim, dusty and windy wasteland, bounded by grey oddly smelling ocean (what not even Demyx would be enthusiastic about) on one side and the most ugly city in the entire known universe on the other.

"What the fuck?" is the only statement Axel is able to bring in at the moment.

Without a single word Vexen summons out of his Interspace-Pocket-Of-Darkness something that looks like a weird laptop and starts typing on it.

"Does anyone of you know what happened? And where did the others end up?" Roxas drops a philosophical question.

"They are still in this dimension somewhere, but too far for me to be able to get their exact position," Vexen answers with his eyes fixed on the screen, so he can't see the surprised faces of his colleagues. "And as for our location, the results will take some time to compute. This prototype is still in its trial period." The dumbfounded silence finally makes him look up. "Is something wrong?"

"Erm... this junk can find it all out?"

"Indeed, this 'junk' is able to locate the specific aura of Nobodies on far greater distances than our actual GPS – and not only within the scope of one dimension. Also it manages to extract information from broadcast on any kind of waves and thus elicit at least a name, in better case even statistic, demographic and further data of the given subject." Vexen smirks smugly with the look at the two painstakingly absorbing young brains.

After a while Roxas dare to carefully ask. "So you are trying to say, that..."

"Hey hey hey, wait up!" Axel butts in. "Now why don't we have such an useful little thingy? I think that..."


This sound was made by some strange iron flapper that had suddenly launched out of nowhere and whacked the speaking right into the face, causing the Pyro to end up with indescribably wonderstrucked expression on the ground.

And Vexen starts to laugh. However this time it is not his infamous creepy, insane cackle that scares the shit even out of Sephiroth, but simple amused laughter. That sound is surprisingly beautiful.

"What... what the fuck was that?" Aghasted Eight gingerly touches his red face.

"If I knew, I would let this install in the Never Was as well!" Vexen continues to laugh, while Roxas helps his still shaken friend to stand up.

"Now that'd be a fuckin' stupid idea!"


Vexen has to lean on his knees, while a few incredible tears of joy escape from his eyes, almost immediately turning into small ice cubes. Even Roxas has to bite his lip as he helps Axel up for the second time.

"Now I'm starting to get really pissed off!" the Pyro rages and looks for something to set in flames. His gaze lands on the not so Chilly Academic. "This isn't funny!"

"Oh really? I'd think..."


This time it's Vexen, who's sitting in the dust with a flapper-like red mark on his face.

"Ha! Finally you got some as well!" Axel starts to laugh.

Four quickly gets on his feet. "Stop that!"

"I don't think so..."



Roxas, who isn't participating in these merry-makings, stands aside and thoughtfully watches his two screaming and swearing colleagues. Then he appreciably comes to a certain conclusion. He stands next to Vexen, who is dusting himself off with low growling, the face of an anthropologist who have finally discovered after fifty years of research the real footprint of Big Foot. "Four, what do you thing about this?"

Chilly Academic blinks in surprise – the youngest member of the team is asking him for an advice! His respect-addicted soul flutters happily. Vexen straightens up to his full height proudly and declaims: "I think..."


Roxas nods with contend. Then he slightly crouches as if to get ready for an attack and says with a tone full of expectation and a hint of menace: "I thought so."

Flapper that launches out of the ground at this moment isn't actually expecting to be going to get grabbed. Two smacked Nobodies watch in awe how Thirteen fights with the enemy's device and loses at the end, namely because fine smooth leather gloves aren't very good at holding shitty iron stick that tries to drag back into the ground. Roxas crouches down with dissatisfied growl to investigate the place where the flapper of doom disappeared, but what he doesn't expect is that the thing is going to come out right again, so –



The roles turn, now Axel is helping his friend to get up. "Rox, what the hell..."

"Don't thing on anything!" Roxas cuts him out. "No ideas, no suggestions, no opinions!"

There is breathless silence for a while and then out of a sudden, tens and tens of devil's flappers start to launch out without a single one of them missing the target. The Nobodies make a tactical break for it, heading towards the aforementioned ugly city.

And in the same moment they finally reach the salvation of its main gate, every one of them sowed by many battle wounds, Vexen's prototype laptop announces the gain of all accessible data of the planet, where thinking is punishable.

The planet called Vogsphere.

A/N: Finally the first appearance of the Hitchhiker's Guide theme! This was the most hillarious scene of the whole movie - those of you who haven't seen it should do so, only if for this particular five minutes!