General Picard stared at the map, plotting out the battle ahead and figuring out his next move, methodically filtering through his options. He had always known it wouldn't be an easy war, of course - not with the story book worlds split between them. But it was a war he had to win, if he hoped to regain his honor. This war was beyond his hands, beyond any man's hands. This war… was the war… to wage all wars…

Oh, he regretted of course - one always ended up regretting the deaths they caused, once it was too late to do differently. But the lines were drawn, the war was set, Wolverine had shaved, and Piccard sure as hell wasn't the one to turn him back now.

Besides, that dratted captain Kirk needed a good head shave.

Captain Kirk stood tall, his chest puffed out wide, his hair falling in luxurious locks down to his shoulder. "I am the captain!" he declared, spinning to the nameless red shirt besides him.

"I believe that's captain Morgan's line, sir," muttered the man, smiling nervously as he lifted the old fashioned clip board to hide his face. Old, tough, and clumsy - but all the better to hide from Piccard with.

"I am still the captain!"

"As you say sir," Red smiled, swallowing a little as he tried to figure out his chances for a run to the door.

"I - the Captain! - must now know how the hair spell goes!"

"It goes well, sir."

"The captain is pleased!" Kirk grinned, his face lighting up with child like joy as he fondled the inside of his pants.

"Yes sir," nodded Red, doing his best not to stare at the bulge quickly growing. "May I go now, sir?" he asked, wincing as Kirk looked over his head. The captain never took requests when he got that look in his eyes.

"The Captain will now have woman!"

"They're all hiding from you, sir," smiled Red, slowly beginning to back away from the train wreck in the making.

"The captain will now have you turned into a woman."

"…Sir?" he asked, hand pausing at the knob, cursing himself for being an idiot. He should have made the run sooner.'

"Grow breasts, man!" demanded star fleet's most beloved captain, his hands groping at the air, wide enough that Red didn't want to even contemplate the cup size being asked of him.

"With all do respect, sir," whispered the aide, brushing a strand of brown hair from his eyes. "Hell no."

The captain stared back for a moment, unflinching Red's hand darted down to make sure the Captain hadn't been doing anything naughty. "…The captain will now turn gay."

Red just blinked, suddenly more worried than ever when he found his manhood still intact, the jeans tight against his questing fingers.

"The captain demands you bring him Legolas!"

"Sir," managed Red, half choking. "I don't think he's gay…"

"The captain declares one does not have to be a gay elf to love the captain!" pronounced the man, his foot slamming into a chair as he leaned forward. "For the captain is awesome! And besides, have you seen that man's hair? It's freakin' gorgeous, dude! He's practically a girl!"

"Sir?" offered Red. "You stopped saying captain."

"The captain has done no such thing! Now go bring me the man-flesh that looks womanly."

"…Yes, sir," sighed Red, opening the door to walk out.

"Oh, and can you pick me up a coke while you're out there?" added Kirk, forcing the man to turn from his escape.


"The captain is unconcerned for his figure! …But yes. The captain would be pleased by a diet. With a serving of !"

"Of course sir," sighed the tired aid, the carpet rasping beneath his feet as he walked out again. He didn't bother to turn around as the captain continued his rant, the whitewashed halls a welcome sight after the solid gold paneling inside.

"Hairy doom! Captain Picard shall rue the day he failed to wear the captain's wig, and offended the captain with his baldness!"

"Of course, sir," came the tired reply.

One thing for sure, it was going to be one hell of a war.

(Author's notes!

That's right, this pretentious idiot is actually going to make you LISTEN to him between chapters.

This story, as you've guessed by now... is crazy. I've got star trek from... well... star trek. Wolverine from X men - Hairy potter's gonna be in there, we're gonna see a bit of Bella from twilight, Edward... You don't want to KNOW the things I've got planned. But I certainly hope you'll love to read it!

On a side note, I want to thank a very dear friend of mine, who's a constant source of inspiration. You may know her as Mousey, Mouseycat, Lielac, or even Rowanlief, but whatever you call her, she truly is a great friend, and deserves a portion of they lynching... er... credit. So give her a hug everyone!

...Okay, so all she REALLY does is point, laugh, and grin about my upcoming death at your hands, but come on people! The least you can do is help drag her down with me!)