OK, this fic is not to be taken seriously at all. I wrote this to help me get over my writers block. Also I wanted to try my hand at writing a humor fic. Naturally, there's some strong hints of 6918. I just couldn't help it. Anyway, I had fun writing this one!! :D
No matter how much I pray, I do not, nor will I ever own Katekyo Hitman Reborn.
Their mission was simple. All they had to do was wait at a little café, mark their target and get the information they required. Simple. One of the easiest missions one could be given. Why Sawada Tsunayoshi had given it to Rokudo Mukuro and Hibari Kyoya is anyone's best guess.
'It seems, dear Kyoya, that you are a little bit over the speed limit,' Mukuro remarked casually, leaning back into the passenger seat comfortably.
Hibari scoffed indignantly and turned to look at the flickering arrow on the car's dashboard. 120km/h was nothing! It had never occurred to him that he was way past the speed limit of 50km/h, but what did he care about these Italian driving laws. He quickly pressed his foot down on the gas pedal as he swerved around corner before quickly speeding back up again.
'Also, I would like to point out that you are driving on the wrong side of the road.' Mukuro's chuckle was loud as Hibari cursed outwardly. So he was driving on the left instead of the right side. Why did the Italian's drive on the right anyway? That was just stupid. He narrowly avoided a collision with another car by quickly forcing the little car to the right side of the road.
'Herbivore,' Hibari muttered as an Italian man stuck his head out of a window to yell something foreign. Grinding his teeth in anger, he slammed his feet on the gas, sending the vehicle faster down the road.
'Oya, oya, Kyoya,' Mukuro laughed, obviously enjoying himself, 'do you even have a license?' Hibari grunted in response, an obvious no.
It was amazing that the police had not begun chasing them yet. Hibari's grip on the steering wheel tightened considerably as he twisted it into a parking space, thrusting his foot on the brake pedal. The car skidded violently for four meters, until it finally came to a halt on a now very dead bird.
The two men casually removed themselves from the car, not noticing the looks from the people around.
'Let's go,' Hibari ordered with a glare. He marched towards the small café, looking rather out of place as a Japanese man. Mukuro, however, was in his element. He greeted strangers with a smile, muttering apparently charming things in Italian to random people until his companion dragged him away to a small both at the back of the café, a scowl firmly placed upon his features.
'Oh, I was having fun,' Mukuro stated to his partner, seemingly disappointed that he was pulled away from the person he was talking to. It didn't matter to Hibari. Mukuro was probably only talking to that person to get into her head.
Hibari looked at the people around him in distaste. 'Don't draw attention to yourself,' he glared. 'You're like a gun about to go off.'
Mukuro chuckled and chided him softly. 'No, Kyoya,' he murmured lowly, conjuring up some illusion. 'This is a gun about to go off.'
Apparently, Mukuro had neglected to think of the consequences of creating an illusionary but very realistic looking gun in a crowed place. A nearby waitress suddenly screamed and pointed at their table fearfully.
'Well done, jack ass,' Hibari said in a monotone voice. The whole café suddenly went into panic, screaming things in Italian and hiding under tables as they tried to get away from Mukuro and his 'gun'.
'Well,' he said calmly to Hibari, 'this seems to be quite the predicament.' The waitress had started to cry by then and was kneeling on the floor, apparently praying.
Hibari, despite the fact that they were meant to be keeping it low, seemed rather amused by the way things were turning out. 'What are they saying?'
'Hm? Oh, they believe that this is a robbery,' Mukuro explained, sipping at his cappuccino as if everything was normal. The same hysterical waitress suddenly crawled, yes crawled, over to the two and presented them with a fistful of money. She screamed and cried and continued to throw Euros at them.
'Hn. What good is this?' Hibari muttered, looking at the Euros in disgust. 'They don't use the Euro in Japan. Now if they had Yen, then that would be a different matter entirely.'
Mukuro chuckled, 'You don't mind that we have blown our cover, caused a scene and are probably going to get arrested for this?'
'It's provided some entertainment hasn't it?' Hibari shrugged taking a casual gulp of his own drink.
'Yes, it has,' Mukuro agreed as he playfully arranged the Euros into little patterns on the table. 'Well, it's turning out to be quite the day. I wonder what else will happen.'
'I'll bite you dead if you suggest anything that involves you, me and a hotel room.'
'You know me too well, Kyoya,' Mukuro laughed. He placed his empty cup on the table and stood up. 'Now, I would usually pay for this, but considering the amount of trouble we have already gotten ourselves into I think we can skip it.'
'Why are you saying "we", herbivore?' Hibari snapped. 'It was you who sent this place into hysteria.
'Oh, you enjoyed it,' Mukuro accused. 'Besides, I seem to recall that you were that one that nearly drove over a number of civilians, including a poor old lady who appeared to be one step away from a heart attack.'
Hibari ignored that comment, probably because it was true and stared out the window. 'Now we've missed our target, plant-eater,' Hibari stressed to change the subject as he pointed at a shady looking man.
'Well then,' Mukuro said, pulling Hibari to his feet, 'let's go and get him.' He strolled casually from the café, Hibari in tow. Neither of them bothered to low back at the people inside. The hysterical waitress had fainted and quite a few customers were ringing the police. That was probably not a good thing.
The two Guardians stalked their target carefully, both of them getting very bored, very quickly. The man eventually stopped at a fountain and sat down, leaving Mukuro and Hibari to watch him from afar with irritated expressions on their faces.
'I feel very much like a stalker,' Mukuro sighed with a faint smile.
Hibari turned to glare at him. 'You are a stalker,' he remarked bluntly.
'That was one time, Kyoya. Don't judge a man for one insignificant mistake.'
'You were in my closet.'
'And I told you that I was escaping from someone!'
'That is yet to be determined!'
Hibari glared and turned back towards the man they were watching. 'You could have found a better way to do it though.'
'Oh? Enlighten me.'
'You could have possessed a small creature or something if you absolutely had to see me change,' he mused.
'Really now,' Mukuro chuckled. 'I'll remember that the next time I'm escaping from someone.'
Hibari sighed irritably. 'I never did bite you to death for that.'
'No, you didn't,' Mukuro said slyly. 'You were too busy writhing under me, screaming my name.'
Hibari glared and violently hit the pineapple headed man in the stomach with his tonfas, which he seemed to whap out of nowhere. 'I didn't scream,' he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. If one didn't know better, one would say that Hibari Kyoya was pouting. But of course that wasn't true.
'Ooh, he's going round the corner,' Mukuro pointed out. The two followed the man with their eyes, until only their heads were peeping around the wall, making them look rather…strange.
Imagine a very Italian wall with two heads poking out, one higher than the other. That's going to look at least a little bit suspicious. Hibari looked up at Mukuro from his debatable position.
'Why don't we just grab the bastard?' he muttered.
'The Vongola ordered us to watch him first,' Mukuro explained.
'Since when do you take orders off of that herbivore?'
Mukuro looked down and pointed to the man. 'I'm not taking orders; I just want to see what he does with that large looking animal.'
'Animal?' Hibari questioned. 'Oh, I see it.' He looked back upwards. 'That's not an animal, idiot.'
'It's not? Well, what is it th-ohh!' Mukuro reeled back in amused disgust. 'Now that is just vile! I'm repulsed, he's repulsed me! And here I thought that he may be a respectable shady man, but – oh, that's disgusting! You should have just let me believed it to be an animal!'
Hibari rolled his eyes. 'I thought you of all people would be able to figure it out. Especially since you're probably in to that sort of thing.'
'Are you suggesting that I would part take in an activity with such a disgusting item?!'
'Are you suggesting that you would like to join me in an acti-'
'You enjoy spoiling my fun, don't you, Kyoya.' Mukuro sighed and pushed himself from the wall. 'Well, let's go and get him then.'
The two walked casually towards the shady character, the one that they were supposed to scope out before attacking. The one where they spent the best of ten minutes following but paying absolutely no attention too until they saw the disgusting thing that they would not care to mention again. They were going to go at it professionally, but, considering that Hibari had nearly run over a bunch on unsuspected people and Mukuro held up a café with an illusionary gun, they decided to hell with it.
Hibari whipped out his tonfa and smashed the guy straight in the nose, causing everyone on the street to panic.
'Ooh, Kyoya,' Mukuro exclaimed, pointing to an elderly lady, 'that's the woman who you almost slaughtered with the car.' Hibari paid no attention to Mukuro and proceeded to beat the living hell out of the shady man they were supposed to be tailing.
It was then the police decided to get involved. Hibari was taking it all in his stride, brutally bashing the heads of every single figure of law that came in his way. Mukuro chuckled and decided to help, prodding the police with his trident. He wasn't actually doing any damage. He was just being highly annoying. That was probably his plan though.
'Herbivore,' Hibari called out to Mukuro, 'distract these bastards so that I can get that bastard somewhere where we can kill him.' Mukuro nodded and Hibari made his way over to the shady man who was now unconscious.
'Distract you say,' he muttered to himself. Now, he had a choice of two things. He could either traumatize them with their worst fears, or he could do something much more drastic. Of course, the latter seemed more fun so that was the one chosen.
'Oh il mio Dio, quell'uomo è nudo!' an officer cried in Italian. It was roughly translated to Oh my God, that man is nude!
Yes. Mukuro had taken away his clothes via an illusion. Needless to say, he stirred up quite the distraction. He smiled casually and sat down, looking quite elegant for a naked man. The police stopped chasing after Hibari and went after Mukuro instead, screaming something about protecting the innocent of the Italians.
'Oh please,' Mukuro said in Japanese, despite the fact that nobody could understand a thing he was saying, 'Italy is the country that promotes public nudity! Nudità pubblica!' He seemed to be enjoying himself.
He was laughing quite a lot as all the Italian's stared at him in shock. 'You idiot!' Hibari seethed, obviously embarrassed to be remotely associated with him.
The illusionist was even laughing when the police piled up on top of him to restrain him. 'If I feel anything touching my rear end I'll make sure you all suffer a painful death,' he chuckled in good humor. He was deadly serious about his threat though. Getting away from the police was easy enough. Simply cast an illusion of his naked self elsewhere and they'd be off running.
He soon joined Hibari, fully clothed. 'That was amusing,' he sighed.
Hibari punched him in the face.
'Don't do that again.'
Mukuro smirked. 'Just because you want me all to yourself, Kyoya,' he sang. Hibari huffed and walked off. 'You didn't deny it~!'
He was about to laugh, but suddenly a little grenade rolled their way. Hibari looked at it. 'What the hell?'
Suddenly, the grenade exploded, and a bunch of purple gas began fizzing out of it, which was quickly and accidentally inhaled by the two Guardians.
'What do you know,' Mukuro laughed drowsily, 'sleeping gas!'
Tsuna sighed heavily and massaged his temples to ease his growing headache. It was the simplest mission ever. He had sent his two strongest Guardians on a laughably easy mission and what did he get?
He got a phone call from Italy asking him to vouch for Hibari and Mukuro's involvement in the Mafia. Also, he got to travel all the way to that country to pick up said Guardians. The police had to use sleeping gas (freaking sleeping gas!) to bring those two in without a fight. How in the world had they had gotten arrested while affiliated with the strongest Mafia family in perhaps the world?
He looked down at the two, who were sat next to each other with handcuffs of their wrists. Both, despite the situation, looked extremely amused, even Hibari.
'Public disturbance,' Tsuna read from the Japanese translated list he had received from the Italian police, 'assault, armed robbery, police brutality, numerous traffic violations and… and indecent exposure!!?' Tsuna sighed and stared pointedly at Mukuro. 'Indecent exposure, really?!'
'There's no such thing as indecent exposure in Italy, Sawada Tsunayoshi,' Mukuro explained happily. 'It was all for the good of the mission.'
Hibari glared, though you could see the slight smirk on his face, and Mukuro chuckled. Tsuna didn't even want to tell them that the man they brought in wasn't the intended target.
He buried his face in his hands.
Why did he choose those two again?
Yeah...just a little bit strange. This came from the top of my head at like two in the morning. It seems that all my fics are written either late at night or ridiculously early in the morning. Oh yeah, and those who were wondering, the title Nudità Pubblica means Public Nakedness in Italian. I got it off a translator so it may not be fully accurate.
Anyway, please review and tell me what you think of my fail attempt at humor! :)