I originally wrote this as an assignment for my discrete math class, but I had a lot of fun writing it all the same. the original version was illustrated, so there are a few things that may be hard to identify (such as the heart-shaped queen and the three-dimensional cheshire cat), but hopefully someone will get a laugh out of this anyway.
Disclaimer: I don't own Flatland, Alice in Wonderland, or any of the characters/concepts/settings that have been referenced/parodied in this story
Alice in Irregular Land:
Once there was a little girl named Alice who always wore a bright blue shoe. One day, bored with her lessons, she decided to run off and play by herself.
Suddenly she heard a voice crying out "I'm late!" and saw a white shape rush past her, moving southward. Curious, Alice ran after him. But the shape disappeared into a gap, and as Alice neared it the southern pull became too much for her. She found herself being pulled after the strange shape.
When Alice regained control of her movements, she found herself in a strange, colorful land. She had only ever seen so much color in a shoe store before, and even then only in shelves. Here it was everywhere, on all kinds of strange objects. Even the fog was tinged with pink.
Then she heard the voice again, "I'm late!" and the shape appeared, dashing around the clearing.
"Wait!" she called. "Where is this place?"
"No, no, no time to talk," the white shape insisted. "I'm late!"
Alice was suddenly curious. "Late for what?"
The shape paused. "I don't know," it mused. "But people do forget things. So I might have forgotten to do something important." Here its voice became anxious. "And if I have, I'll never get there in time! Oh dear!" The shape dashed away, shouting "I'm late!" louder than ever.
As Alice stared after the diminishing figure, she heard a new voice beside her. "Poor thing."
Alice turned as a new figure slowly appeared, this time bright yellow and orange. Alice started back, but the figure simply turned and said "He really should learn to use a schedule, don't you think?"
"I – I'm not sure that would help," Alice stammered. "He seemed quite mad."
"Really?" the figure said mildly. "If that's your standard, then we're all mad here. 'Afternoon." And with that it shrank to a point and vanished.
Alice stared for a moment at the spot where the figure had been before realizing it had not told her where "here" was. By and by, she decided it would be a good idea to find someone who could. So she began to move forward, and by and by she came upon a strange sight.
Two more shapes – one brown, one mostly green – were gathered around a large amount of food and apparently having some kind of celebration. When they noticed Alice, the green shape turned to her. "No room, I'm afraid."
Alice stared around. "But there's plenty of room."
The green shape checked behind himself. "Well," he said doubtfully, "I suppose we could squeeze you in. If you've been invited. This is an exclusive party."
"It's an un-birthday party!" added the other shape.
Alice blinked. "A what?"
"Well, you see, there's an awful shortage of birthdays in the world"
"Just one per person." The brown one sniffled. "So tragic."
"But rather than dwell on that, we celebrate our abundance of un-birthdays. Why, today is both of our un-birthdays!"
"So then… I'm having an un-birthday, too?" Alice ventured.
"You are? How delightful!" the brown shape moved toward a large blue pot and knocked on the lid. "Dormouse, wake up! We have another un-birthday!"
A small yellowish shape emerged. "Is the sun up yet?"
"What's a sun?" Alice asked.
"Thought so. Much too early…" the shape returned to the pot. Moments later, snoring was heard.
Alice left the pair to their strange party.
Eventually, Alice realized that she had walked away from the mad celebration without asking anyone where she was. So when she came across a large red shape, she approached it politely and said "Excuse me, sir, but…"
"SIR!" To Alice's shock, she was cut off by a female voice. "How dare you?! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"
"But… but you're not a line!" Alice stammered.
"Of course I am. I've simply curved myself into an outline. A queen must be imposing. But no matter. OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"
"I… don't believe I have one," said Alice, who had no idea what a head was.
"There you are then. Justice is served." Then there was a familiar shout of "I'm late!", the white shape dashed into the clearing, and the queen was off. "You there! Stop that at once! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!"
Until now, Alice had been overwhelmed by the color and strangeness of her surroundings. But now, watching the queen dash after the white shape and remembering the other shapes she had met, she realized these shapes were not normal. They had indents and curves and straight bits, all at once. Even the queen, a female, had found a way to be visibly off. "Irregulars!" she cried, "Madmen, all of you!"
This was, indeed, true. But her new acquaintances were also symmetrical. They were irrational, but reasonable, and not actually insane. There was always a logical explanation for their eccentric actions. Often flawed, but always logical.
Unfortunately, Alice didn't bother to find this out. She began to pace the clearing, muttering to herself. "Is everyone here insane? Or am I insane? I don't think like these people. Doesn't that mean I'm not in my right mind? ..." Inside her favorite blue shoe, her tail end developed a curl.
Being logical doesn't always mean being right.
Stay away from irregulars. They're contagious.