It started, as most things did in Itachi's life, with Sasuke asking a curious question. Sasuke asked many questions, being a curious and intelligent 10 year old. While he did not mean to make people uncomfortable (least of all Itachi), the simple fact was that he was extraordinarily good at doing so.
Itachi noticed Sasuke's pensieve expression as soon as they sat down for dinner that evening. Itachi decided as ask what was bothering Sasuke after dinner, as he was, presently, trying to restrain a sigh that simply wanted to escape at the sight of Uchiha Fugaky chewing his food like a disgruntled horse as he glared at Kisame. Kisame, for his part, seemed supremely oblivious to Fugaku's ire, but closer inspection revealed an amused glint in his eye that told Itachi that Kisame indeed knew exactly what was going on. Mikoto poked her husband in the arm with a chopstick, and Fugaku subsided with a grumbled tattoos and piercings everywhere...corrupting my son... and a pointed look at Kisame.
Rather than decreasing the tension, Sasuke decided to cause it to escalate. He glanced at his mother, and then opened his mouth.
"Mother, what's sex?"
Itachi and Fugaku both promptly choked on their onigiri, faces rapidly turning red due to lack of oxygen. Mikoto laughed nervously and patted her husband's back while Kisame hit Itachi's with enough force to break his spinal column. Or it felt that way at least, and caused a chunk of rice to rocket out of Itachi's mouth and hit the opposite wall.
"Did I say something wrong?" Sasuke asked worriedly as Fugaku and Itachi recovered from their near-death experiences. Itachi could have sworn that he'd seen the light at the end of the tunnel for a second there before Kisame's brutal and timely actions.
"No, no dear," Mikoto said with a nervous laugh, "Erm...it's probably about time somebody talked to you about that, anyway. You're getting older now, afterall. You're not my baby anymore,"
Itachi closed his eyes in exasperation, allowing his mother a moment of nostalgia as Sasuke's face turned beet red.
"Mother!" Sasuke hissed.
"Fugaku, dear," Mikoto said, "If you wouldn't mind...?"
"I would, actually," Fugaku said darkly, "Remember Itachi?"
"He asked a little earlier than Sasuke, didn't he?" Mikoto mused as though only her and her husband were in the room, "Although I doubt age was the reason Itachi refused to go near girls for weeks after the talk...,"
"Maybe I was a little too descriptive," Fugaku winced.
"It could be the reason he swore off women entirely," Mikoto suggested brightly.
"Deep-seated trauma would explain why he's dating Kisame," Fugaku said dryly.
Itachi was, by now, debating the pros and cons of drowning himself in a bowl of miso soup while Kisame's shoulders shook with silent laughter. Sasuke watched them morosely, stirring his soup with his chopsticks, clearly wondering if he was ever going to get his question answered.
"Itachi can do it," Fugaku announced after a while of talking with his wife. Itachi's chopsticks clattered onto the table from limp fingers. Kisame only stopped laughing when Itachi rammed a whole riceball into his mouth.
"Father-," Itachi began.
"I don't want to hear it," Fugaku said, "Maybe you do a better job that me. Maybe then Sasuke will grow up and marry a nice young woman and produce more Uchihas-,"
He was cut off by Itachi's smirk and Sasuke's glare. Kisame continued to eat.
"Well, spit it out?" Fugaku said, causing Kisame to spray bits of rice across the table as he sniggered at the innuendo. Itachi's cheeks flushed a dull red.
"Actually-," Kisame began. Itachi kicked him under the table, and he doubled over, swearing.
"I have a feeling," Itachi said slowly, sending Kisame a glare, "that Sasuke will be about as heterosexual as I am,"
Fugaku visibly blanched. He knew, by now, that Itachi was rarely wrong about anything.
"Why do you say that?" he asked.
"Already his adoring public of pint-sized groupies are scaring him away from the fairer end of the spectrum," Itachi snorted.
"Girls are annoying," Sasuke added, glaring moodily at his food.
"Fairer end?" Kisame muttered. Itachi didn't deign to answer that one.
"Yes," Fugaku said, clearing his throat and looking disappointed, "Well, that doesn't change the fact that you are going to tell your brother all about the birds and the bees. Now go,"
Itachi sullenly got to his feet.
"Come along, little brother," he said. Sasuke grinned at him, and Itachi couldn't help but send a small smile back.
"Where are we going?" Sasuke asked, following Itachi upstairs.
"To my bedroom," Itachi said. Sasuke's mouth formed an "o" of amazement before he grinned happily.
"I'm never allowed in your room anymore," he said happily, "Mother stopped me when I came to see why you were shouting, and you and Kisame were playing under the blankets, and she said I'm not allowed near there anymore, in case I ruin your game,"
Itachi tripped over his own feet, choked on his own tongue and walked into the doorframe at this. He then tumbled to the floor in a graceless heap, his red face hitting the carpet with a muffled thud.
"Big brother?" Sasuke asked worriedly.
"I'm fine, Sasuke," Itachi said, getting to his feet.
"Ok," Sasuke nodded, looking worried.
"Let's sit on my bed," Itachi said, gesturing towards it. Sasuke jumped on it, causing him to bounce, while Itachi sat down in a much more refined manner.
"What's this?" Sasuke asked, picking up a magazine with topless women on the front. Itachi's eye twitched as he snatched it from Sasuke, resolving to murder Kisame for leaving that trash in his room.
"We are here to talk about sex," Itachi said, ignoring the question, "And that is what we'll do. Now...,"
Sasuke smiled at him innocently. Oh god, he was about to ruin that, wasn't he?
"Sasuke, you know what a penis is, I assume?"
Sasuke merely looked confused.
"Why do you have to talk so weirdly?" he asked.
"Sasuke," Itachi sighed, "Do you, or do you not, know what a penis is?"
"Nope!" Sasuke said brightly. Itachi's cheeks darkened. He had to explain that too? Once this was over, he was going to kill his father.
"Ah," he said, "Well, The penis is an external sexual organ of certain biologically male organisms, in both vertebrates and invertebrates. The penis is a reproductive organ, technically an intromittent organ, and for placental mammals, additionally serves as the external organ of urination. The penis is generally-,"
"What does that mean?" Sasuke interrupted, looking scared, "Is that an animal? Would it eat me if I got too close?"
Awkward silence. Itachi worried that the image of a man-eating penis would never leave him.
"Perhaps I should phrase it differently," Itachi ventured slowly, "A penis is...Sasuke, you know when you use the bathroom?"
"Yes," Sasuke said, looking confused. Itachi opened his mouth. Then closed it again. He really couldn't do this. He was more scarred by this than Sasuke, at this stage.
"Maybe the internet will be able to explain it better," he said instead, leading Sasuke over to his laptop, which was resting on his desk. He quickly booted it up and sat down. Sasuke climbed into his lap, knees and elbows digging in painfully.
Once the computer had loaded up, Itachi typed the words sex education into the search engine. He clicked the first suitable-looking result.
"That is a penis," Itachi announced, pointing to a picture of a penis during puberty. He felt like such a perver for even looking at that, despite the fact that he was merely educating his brother.
"Oh," Sasuke nodded, "Yes, I know what that is. I have one. I just didn't know it was called that,"
"That is a...vagina," Itachi said, feeling slightly ill as he pointed to another picture. If there was ever any doubt that he was gay...
"It is the female version of the penis," he continued.
"Looks like a huge wound," Sasuke said, wrinkling his nose, "Kind of like the stuff you see in those horror films, with all the flesh dangling off,"
Itachi stared for a moment. Now that Sasuke had said it, he could see where the idea came from.
"In sex, the man puts his penis into the woman's vagina-,"
"Urgh, that's disgusting!" Sasuke shouted suddenly, "Why would I want to do that? Girls are annoying. I wouldn't put anything near their wounds!"
"Vagina, Sasuke," Itachi said, knowing that it would be his head on the chopping block if his father found out that Sasuke called vaginas wounds, "And people have sex to have children. And...,"
His cheeks reddened slightly.
"Because it feels good,"
"It does?" Sasuke asked, "I don't think I could ever enjoy sticking my p...penis in that. You don't like girls either, big brother. What do you do?"
"Sometimes...," Itachi said slowly, "Sometimes men can love other men, and women can love other women. And men can still have sex with other men, just as women can have sex with other women,"
"How does it work?" Sasuke asked.
"I'm only supposed to teach you about sex with women," Itachi said, clearing his throat, "A man inserts his penis into the woman's vagina, and releases sperm cells into the vagina, which seek out the egg that is produced in the woman's ovaries, fusing with it and thus resulting in a baby,"
"Does that mean mother and father did that to make us?" Sasuke said, grimacing, "Ew!"
"Yes," Itachi responded, not wishing to elaborate.
"Then I'm definitely not doing that! I hate kids!"
Sasuke was such a sweet child, wasn't he?
"Yes, Sasuke," Itachi said wryly with a pointed look, "I understand completely,"
"Ha!" Sasuke said with a grin, "Nice try, but I know you love me!"
"Oh?" Itachi asked, "What gave you that idea?"
"If you didn't, you wouldn't take me with you when you and Kisame go to make kissy-faces at the cinema,"
Itachi was offended. In no way did he and Kisame ever make...kissy-faces. The very thought was repulsive. Kisame, acting mushy? Itachi would stab himself in the eyes with chopsticks if he ever saw that, so he didn't run the risk of seeing it again.
"I have never, and will never, look at anybody like that, Sasuke. The same can be said for Kisame,"
"Liar," Sasuke coughed, smiling innocently at the half-hearted glare Itachi sent him.
"Be quiet, or I'll staple your mouth shut," Itachi threatened. Sasuke just smiled, knowing that Itachi would never do such a thing to him, and followed Itachi downstairs and and then went into the kitchen to get a drink while Itachi entered the living room.
"How did it go?" Fugaku asked hurriedly, standing up and spilling the tea that was resting on his knee all over his lap. He hopped about, swearing hotly at the damage the hot liquid was doing to the Uchiha family jewels, until his wife patted him down with some napkins. Even Itachi raised an eyebrow at some of the profanity spewing from Fugaku's mouth.
"And I'm a bad influence?" Kisame asked rhetorically.
"It went fine," Itachi said as his father continued to wince, "He asked a few questions that I assume you wouldn't want me to answer, so I did not, and, mother, why did you not tell me Sasuke once saw Kisame and I...?"
"...getting it on?" Kisame said, phrasing it delicately, as he usually did with uncomfortable topics. Itachi punched him in the arm, but the enormous man didn't even flinch. Itachi actually did more damage to his ego than he did to Kisame's expansive arm.
"Oh, well," Mikoto said with a smile as her husband turned crimson with fury at this revelation, "I didn't want to embarrass you, dear. I've known for a while, though. You're awfully loud!"
Kisame coughed to hide his laughter while Itachi blanched and flushed.
"Mother!" he said, his voice strained.
"Oh, hush, Itachi!" Mikoto said with a smile, "What I've heard is nothing compared to what I've seen!"
Even Kisame paused at that, eyes going wide. Itachi felt slightly ill. Tea dribbled out of Fugaku's slack mouth. Mikoto continued to smile.
"I have to say, dear," she said, reaching up to pat Kisame's shoulder, "That's quite then endowment you have there!"
"Mother?" Itachi asked, stunned.
"Please don't talk about Kisame's penis," Itachi requested (pleaded), "It makes me feel rather ill to consider my mother as a sexual being who is capable of differentiating between an average penis and a large one,"
"Ew!" Sasuke interjected, having stepped into the living room with a cup of water and a fresh tomato.
"My sentiments exactly," Itachi said dryly.
"So, Sasuke, how did it go?" Fugaku said quickly, trying to avoid anymore talk of his son's lover's penis, and concealing his envy poorly.
"It was...ok," Sasuke said, screwing up his nose, "I wouldn't want to put my penis in a big gaping flesh wound, though,"
The silence was deafening.
"Sasuke has decided that vaginas resemble wounds," Itachi explained awkwardly, to his mother's affront and his father's dismay.
"Like the ones from horror films," Sasuke added, "With dangling flesh and gore. I think I'm going to be with a man when I grow up. Big brother said it's possible,"
At this point, Kisame was unable to restrain himself and collapsed against the wall, sides heaving with laughter. Mikoto, meanwhile, was busy being annoyed that her son viewed female reproductive organs with such distaste as she mopped spilled tea off the expensive carpet.
"I'm not having grandchildren, am I?"
This is just a little something I came up with in a single afternoon as I wondered about the Uchiha family's response to sex ed. This was the result. Poor Itachi. Poor Fugaku. Poor Mikoto. That's right, Kisame, laugh it up. Karma will catch up one day.