Inspired by something I wrote on Target Locked. Also inspired from the loving girl talk conversations with friends. And an email I received...three years ago. I think.
Authors Note: Please, no one be offended by this. This is totally a joke that my boyfriend and I made up (not that he was aware that this process was going through my head. Yes, our conversations lead to words men should fear).
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha.
The Colour of the Sky
Eight Words to Fear: A Dictionary For Men
It was just a normal day. A very normal day. Inuyasha swore loudly when his alarm clock went off at six in the morning. He pressed the snooze button twice before he finally got up at six-fourteen.
"Good morning shmexy," a feminine voice purred and Inuyasha smirked, reaching out to claim warm flesh and bring it tighter to his body.
"What the hell are you doing awake?" he asked huskily, his sleep-filled voice echoing around the bedroom.
"Your stupid alarm," she mumbled, snuggling her face against his toned, warm chest. Her arms snaked around his waist and she sighed.
Inuyasha chuckled. "Kagome, I really need to get to work. I'm going to be late."
"Be late then," Kagome replied, kissing his skin before relaxing once more against him.
"I was late yesterday."
"And the day before that. And the day before that."
"You're making that up," Kagome retorted. "I didn't wake up yesterday morning, remember? I texted you asking where the hell you were and you were already at the office."
"No. I was thirty minutes late because you insisted on keeping me in bed."
"You were not!" Kagome exclaimed through her mumbled reply. "You were not late."
"Kagome, I need to go to work."
Definition of "Fine" (dictionary): good, acceptable, satisfactory.
Definition of "Fine" by the Dictionary for Men: WARNING! This is the word that all women use to ultimately end an argument when they think that they are right and wish you would shut the hell up. This is sarcastic to the word defined by the dictionary. Do not take lightly or sex may not occur.
"And you just so happened to forget to tell me that you needed a ride this morning?" Inuyasha exclaimed, shaking his head furiously as he waited impatiently by the bathroom door, watching Kagome apply makeup.
"I'm sorry! Miroku couldn't give me a ride. What's the big deal? You're twenty minutes away from where I work." Kagome smashed her lips together and brought them out in a pucker, spreading the lipstick as best she could.
"Because I'm already forty minutes late!" Inuyasha couldn't understand how this didn't make sense to her.
"And I called Sesshomaru who said it was fine," Kagome responded, looking at him. "Relax. Seriously, all I had to do was threaten to tell him about what Rin thought of his talent in bed and violà! Instant acceptability for lateness."
"Blackmail is what I think they call it these days."
Kagome rolled her eyes but couldn't stop the smile across her lips.
"How much longer?" Inuyasha asked; his foot tapping on the tile flooring with his growing impatience.
"Um, five minutes, tops."
Inuyasha and Kagome didn't leave until twenty minutes later.
Definition of "Five Minutes" (dictionary): a specific period of time; after four minutes and fifty-nine seconds and before five minutes and one second.
Definition of "Five Minutes" by the Dictionary for Men: WARNING! If you believe this, you believe that you should be castrated. There is no such thing as 'five minutes' to women. 'Five minutes' directly translates to 'whenever I'm ready', which is never within the five minute time span. When said words are announced, prepare for a grace period of ten minutes minimum. Exceptions to the rule: when she's telling you that you have five minutes (i.e. to watch the rest of the football game). Defiance leads to FINE (see above), which potentially leads to lack of sex.
"You actually threatened Sesshomaru with information on his sex life?" Sango shouted, laughing as loud as she could because that information was just too good. She laughed even harder when Miroku's eyes bulged and his coffee was spat out everywhere.
"Totally," Kagome answered, grinning wickedly. "Although, come to think of it, why don't guys like to know what their girlfriends think of them in bed? Wouldn't that information be...I don't know...useful?"
Miroku instantly shook his head, cleaning the last of the sprayed coffee from the table. "No way. We just like to assume that we are Sex Gods and we leave it at that. But I don't have to assume."
Sango worried her lower lip before cracking up and bursting out laughing, once again startling many customers in the little coffee shop. "You wish Romeo."
"Dearest Sango, if only you would let me prove it to you, I–"
Sango waved her hand. "I'm stopping you right there with, as if."
Kagome continued to laugh while she watched the two, obviously in love, best friends in front of her. Knowing Miroku since grade school, the two met Sango through their work and they'd been inseparable ever since.
"Hey, isn't Inuyasha coming?" Miroku asked, desperately trying to steer the conversation away from him.
Kagome shrugged. "Maybe. He has a meeting with this business associate who never sticks around long enough to actually make the meeting. It's his seventh reschedule, I think? If he doesn't show up, Inuyasha'll be here."
As if on cue, Inuyasha burst through the doors, a scowl clear on his face.
"Speak of the Devil and the Devil will come," Kagome murmured under her breath, smiling as she watched her boyfriend come closer.
"Miroku?" Sango interrupted. "Shut up."
Inuyasha watched Kagome hesitantly, seeing the big smile on her face and becoming instantly wary. "What?"
"Nothing," Kagome said, still grinning like an idiot. She wasn't sure why she was smiling so much, but the fact that he was so confused by every little thing she did led her to believe it was good to keep him on his toes once and a while.
"Seriously, what?" Inuyasha asked again, looking at Miroku and Sango who both weren't any help. They were too busy making faces at each other.
"Nothing!" Kagome exclaimed, biting her lip to stop the smile.
Suddenly, Inuyasha's cell phone rang and he grumbled, picking it up and answering it. "Hello? – Yes, this is Taisho – Are you fucking me? – No, sorry, not literally Kaede, trust me when I say I would never – Alright, I'll be there in five – No, I'm not at the office, it's my break – Well tell him he can go fuck himself – Yes, language, got it. Bye."
"What happened?" Sango asked, her hand extended towards Miroku's face as if to force him away. "If your expression says anything, it's really bad."
Inuyasha's face darkened. "That bastard Myoga finally showed – you know, that idiot that keeps rescheduling? Well it's already forty-five minutes past the scheduled time and he just shows up wondering why I'm not there. Like what the fuck?"
Kagome gave a lop-sided smile and grabbed the paper bag on the table. "I was going to give this to you later if you didn't show, but it looks like you could use it."
Inuyasha smirked and kissed her on the cheek. "Thanks. I have to go. Miroku, stop being such a damn pervert."
"I'll call you," Kagome murmured, grasping his hand for a moment, squeezing and then letting go.
"Okay, but before I go, what were you smiling about?" Inuyasha pressed, glaring at her. The impatient stomp of his foot let her know that he was dying to find out and was cursing because he really had to go fast.
"Nothing," Kagome chimed and Inuyasha growled, shaking his head with some curse about women and leaving the café.
Definition of "Nothing" (dictionary): no thing; not anything; naught; of nonexistence.
Definition of "Nothing" by the Dictionary for Men: WARNING! This does not mean in any circumstance 'nothing'. There is no such thing as 'nothing'. There is always 'something'. Best ways to conquer 'nothing' is to stay sharp: look for random, potentially body-harming objects, signs of fire or destruction, symptoms of insanity or depression, and always remember CLR (compliment, lie and romanticize) to help by prospectively destroying whatever the 'nothing' is. If an argument begins because of 'nothing', the most likely result is FINE, which potentially leads to a lack of sex.
CLR: Compliment – the way to a woman's heart. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her she's the one (whatever that means). Tell her that she's an amazing cook/wife/girlfriend/sex partner (they may prefer the term "lover"). This usually makes them too happy to remember what the 'something' of the 'nothing' was. Lie – may have to occur when complimenting. If the 'nothing' is a potential accusation of an affair, never tell the truth. This way, you'll only lose one sex partner and not two. Something is better than nothing. If the 'nothing' is a potential accusation that you forgot to take out the trash, tell a white lie saying you were going to but then got distracted by (insert compliment here). Romanticize – will include both compliments and possible lies. The best way to romanticize is to say "I love you". Women eat that up like chocolate in a world of only fruits and veggies. It is the cure-all for all. Exceptions to the rule: "You were flirting with the bartender!" ... "I love you." Not going to cut it.
"Kagome, what the hell has been with you all day?!" Inuyasha yelled, slamming his hands on the steering wheel as they drove through the heavy traffic to make it back to their apartment.
Kagome shook her head wildly, her blank expression not helping the situation at all. "What are you talking about my problem? I haven't done anything!"
"You've been vague and difficult all day."
Kagome huffed. "Give me an example."
"You said 'nothing' in the café when clearly it was something," Inuyasha responded, sighing as he changed lanes in an attempt to get back faster. It didn't work, but it was worth the valiant effort.
"Because it was nothing!" Kagome exclaimed. "It wasn't worth your time and I know you're busy with all the other crap on your plate so I didn't want to bother you with it!"
"Well it failed epically because I thought about the goddamn word nothing all day!" Inuyasha roared.
"Well that's not my fault!"
Inuyasha growled. "Stop being difficult."
"I'm not being difficult, you are."
Inuyasha rolled his eyes and watched as Kagome crossed her arms over her chest. She sighed and huffed for a bit but then relaxed against the seat. "You're such a dummy."
"What are you, six?"
Kagome smiled and looked over at him, reaching over and laying her hand on his thigh, rubbing slowly. "I have to compensate for your overwhelming maturity."
"Ha ha. Very funny," Inuyasha replied, trying to stop the small smirk that eventually made its way to his mouth. As much as they fought and as much as they bickered about the stupid things, they always ended up unbelievably not angry with the other. It was like they realized the argument just wasn't worth it and therefore, they threw it away.
They started talking about their day at work, making up for the time they had already lost by fighting. Everything was going smoothly until they pulled up in their driveway.
"Inuyasha," Kagome said slowly. "Did you not bring up the garbage bins?"
Rolling his eyes again, Inuyasha said, "No because someone made me really late and I forgot."
"You know the people that live here! Garbage bins and recycling boxes are like their crack. They steal them. It would've been the fourth box to go missing!"
"Well it's not missing, so it's no big deal. Why don't you ever do it in the mornings? You have enough time to do it before you go to work."
"Fine. I will."
Note the use of "Fine".
Inuyasha grumbled. "Good. Then you can start. I'm not going to bring the boxes up. I'll make you do it and then you can see how you like it."
Kagome glared at him and scoffed. "Go ahead. Make me do it. Right before we go to bed I'll walk out into the street wearing only my nightgown, pick up the disgusting garbage boxes and carry them up the several flights of stairs to our room."
"Glad we're on the same page," Inuyasha snapped.
The nanosecond the car was in Park, Kagome got out and walked briskly to the door, slamming it shut before Inuyasha was even fully out of the vehicle.
"Stupid wench," Inuyasha muttered, locking it up before heading towards the door himself. "Like hell am I going to get those. Stupid fucking garbage. Why did I even have to do that, taking it out and bringing it in? I'm not two; I don't have to do chores."
When he walked into their apartment, he slipped out of his shoes and went straight to their bedroom, noting that Kagome wasn't in there. Putting his briefcase down, he turned to look in the kitchen, where Kagome was already setting out to make dinner. The water was already running to do the dishes and he could distinctly see the vacuum out on the floor for later.
"Dammit all to hell," Inuyasha cursed, before turning on his heel, putting on his shoes and getting the garbage bins.
Definition of "Go Ahead" (dictionary): a verbal agreement to go forth; continue.
Definition of "Go Ahead" by the Dictionary for Men: WARNING! FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, DO NOT GO AHEAD. "Go ahead" is a dare and if you're a moron and actually go ahead, no sex for you for a month. That's it. Done. It's just you and your hand. "Go ahead" is a dare not permission. Do not go ahead. Repeat, DO NOT GO AHEAD.
Kagome sighed loudly.
For the twelfth time in an hour.
"Is something bothering you?" Inuyasha asked around a mouthful of steak, tilting his head curiously at his girlfriend. When Kagome had seen him bring the garbage bins in, all she had done was laugh quietly and kiss him senseless.
You can tell, already, that their relationship consisted of fighting/bickering/arguing right before kissing/hugging/laughing/happiness. It's just how it worked. They were never actually pissed off. It was just a front so that their significant other would do what they wanted them to.
"There is so much work to do this weekend," Kagome started, sipping on her glass of water. "And I really just wanted to relax and laze around. I have a huge report due Monday and I'm not getting the information for it until tomorrow."
"That still gives you a day to write it before the weekend," Inuyasha suggested, shovelling more food into his mouth until the mix was unrecognizable.
Kagome sighed loudly once again.
Inuyasha watched her. "Are you sure that's it?"
"Yes, that's it," Kagome promised.
Kagome gave him a pointed look. "Uh, yeah. Really."
Inuyasha finished his meal, every so often casting glances towards Kagome. She looked perfectly happy, not even the slightest bit stressed despite what she said.
But he couldn't help it.
Standing up and shooting him a wry look, she gathered her plate and walked towards the sink.
"Sorry for asking," Inuyasha muttered under his breath.
He was answered with yet another loud sigh.
Definition of "Loud Sigh" (dictionary): to let out one's breath loudly; from sorrow, weariness or relief.
Definition of "Loud Sigh" by the Dictionary for Men: WARNING! This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about NOTHING (see above).
Inuyasha waited for Kagome in the living room. The television was on quietly, the nightly news speaking of the next daily horror. He waited patiently for her to finish with the dishes and cleaning up. The average night consisted of them finishing their supper up and then watching some television. When that was over, they went to bed, had extraordinary sex and then slept.
He seriously doubted he was going to get any that night.
Just as the thought passed his mind, Kagome walked in and ran a hand through his hair. "Anything interesting?" She slipped over the couch and landed beside him.
"Nothing really," Inuyasha said slowly, trying to watch her expression. "Um, Kagome, you know I was just...making sure everything was fine earlier. Uh, sorry if it...bothered you."
Kagome tried to keep her lips down, the laugh threatening to bubble. "That's okay."
Inuyasha didn't know what was scarier. The fact she so readily accepted his apology or the fact that she was smiling.
Something was terribly wrong.
Very very wrong.
He should be wary of her tonight.
Definition of "That's Okay" (dictionary): when something is all right; processing normally; satisfactory or under control.
Definition of "That's Okay" by the Dictionary for Men: WARNING! Pray because these could be your final moments on earth. 'That's okay' is a very dangerous statement. Why? Because that means it's only okay until she figures out the plan on how you will pay dearly for your mistake. You have been warned.
"Are you angry at me?" Inuyasha asked wearily as they walked towards their bedroom. Kagome hadn't said much after his apology and he had been expecting...well a little bit more. Especially since "that's okay" wasn't entirely comforting to him.
Kagome frowned. "No, I'm not angry. Why?"
Shrugging, Inuyasha reached behind him and pulled off his shirt, his defined and beautifully cut muscles clenching as the cool air caressed skin. "You just seem to be having a really bad day. You're not...well you know... Is it that time of the month?"
If looks could kill, Inuyasha would be six-feet under.
"Whatever," Kagome hissed. Her voice was dangerously low. "I don't know what's gotten into you today, questioning everything I do and being adamant for the dumbest reasons. If anyone is suffering from their time of the month, it's you."
Definition of "Whatever" (dictionary): any or any one of a number of things whether specifically known or not.
Definition of "Whatever" by the Dictionary for Men: WARNING! To put it simply, fuck you. Or better yet, fuck off. Take your pick. Expect no sex. You really pissed her off now buddy. Congratulations.
Kagome sighed as she finished up in the bathroom, shaking her head at the reflection and watching as her dark hair stuck to her wet face.
Inuyasha was so naive sometimes. She couldn't understand what had gotten to him lately. Ever since they had gone shopping yesterday afternoon, he had been questioning her every word. How annoying was that? She couldn't say "hi" without being bombarded by thousands of questions or odd, hostile looks.
What was up?
Knowing that she had to get to the bottom of it, Kagome stepped out of the bathroom and into the lamp-lit bedroom they shared. Inuyasha was sitting on his end, his head bowed with his silver hair cascading like a waterfall over his shoulders.
"Inuyasha?" Kagome asked, watching as he jumped slightly and turned. There was a book in his hand, and he looked oddly guilty. "What are you reading?"
"Uh, nothing," Inuyasha muttered, shutting the small handheld book and tossing it in the top drawer of his nightstand. "Ready for bed?"
"You have five seconds to tell me," Kagome warned, smiling slightly. The fact that he was reading anything was a shock. He normally laughed at her for her obsession with reading. Just yesterday, when they were out shopping, they had been at a bookstore. Kagome begged him to buy a book, but as far as she knew, he had walked out empty-handed.
Apparently, she had been wrong.
Crawling on the bed slowly, Kagome reached out to Inuyasha's topless body, pulling him closer and letting her hands run through his silky locks. "I'm not mad at you," she whispered, kissing the top of his head. Slowly, she kissed her way up to his ears, nuzzling the soft fur with her nose.
Inuyasha purred. "Could've fooled me."
"I promise," she whispered, letting her breath drift on his skin before leaning down and kissing his neck.
Inuyasha mentally cheered. Maybe he would get some after all! Maybe she wasn't actually mad at him! He laid down on the bed, patting the spot beside him and inviting her closer.
Kagome smiled, leaning down...
And then suddenly leapt like a fucking kangaroo to his night-table drawer and opened it, pulling out the fucking book.
"Kagome! Stop!" Inuyasha yelled, slightly dazed that he had been had so damn easily. He was definitely losing his touch.
"A Dictionary for Men?" Kagome read, already laughing. "This is what you bought yesterday?"
Inuyasha figured he was already screwed, so he didn't even attempt to take it from her hands. He nodded, not making eye contact. "You're so difficult to understand sometimes."
"Really?" Kagome asked, raising a brow. She flipped open the hardcover book and read through the contents, instantly turning to a few pages in. "Please. No way," she gasped, the first bubble of laughter escaping her lips. "Eight Words to Fear?" she read, no longer holding back her chuckles. "Oh my goodness, no wonder you were questioning everything I said!"
"You said every single word in there but one," Inuyasha growled, glaring at her. "Did you know that? And now I know what you really mean! Secretly, you're always angry with me!"
She was laughing so hard she couldn't actually speak. It took minutes for her to wipe her eyes dry and actually form a coherent sentence. "Inuyasha, you can't be serious. This is not to be taken like an actual dictionary! When I tell you something, I mean it! I'm not secretly angry at you all the time! It's a lie!"
Inuyasha frowned. "It's very convincing, and you were agitated with me all day. So you were angry. So the book is right." His logic would not be destroyed.
Kagome shook her head. "I was bothered because you were questioning me and giving me these creepy stares all the time! What was I supposed to do? You just kept asking me stupid question after stupid question! You wouldn't give up. Remember how angry you get when I do it?"
Inuyasha did, and he shuddered violently at the thought. If Kagome got something in her head that she wanted an answer to, it would be like hell on earth before he could hear the end of it.
"So you're not actually mad?"
"No," Kagome laughed, shaking her head and putting the book down on the nightstand. "I'm not mad."
"You swear?" Inuyasha questioned.
Inuyasha smirked, reaching out and pulling her on top of him. He took his time, pulling up the duvet cover and sheets to warm them before slowly kissing her. "Okay. I'll stop questioning you," he whispered. "But to make it up to me..."
"You should be making it up to me!" Kagome quipped, smacking him playfully on the chest. She grinned, kissing his chin before making her way up to his lips.
Kagome gave another short laugh before nuzzling into his neck. "Thanks."
Tugging at her night-shirt to pull it off, Inuyasha practically growled. "Love you."
"I love you too dufus."
Definition of "Thanks" (dictionary): to express gratitude, appreciation or acknowledgement to.
Definition of "Thanks" by the Dictionary for Men: THERE IS NO WARNING! If a woman is literally thanking you, then you are in the clear. Don't you dare question her motives. Do not faint. Do not screw up this one chance to get on her good side! Just simply say "you're welcome". Exception to the rule: "Thanks a lot" used in the way of sarcasm. This is not actually an expression of gratitude, more like a death sentence. Take great care and for the love of all that is good, do not say – I repeat, do not say – you're welcome. This will bring on WHATEVER. Which may lead to FINE. Which may lead to no sex.
You get the picture.
See? All in good fun. I know this isn't how all men think, but a jumble of inspiration all bundled up in a lovely basket of darlingness was just too good to pass up.
Hope you enjoyed.
Review and let me know what you think!