You wonder sometimes if you could have been the one to save him. You could've- should've treated him differently. You should have been a better brother or something and then maybe, maybe Beaver would have never hit 'send' on his cell phone. All those people on that bus could be alive right now (you won't kid yourself; you never did care too much about them in the first place). Things could have turned out differently, maybe not better but something else, maybe. All you know is that you're regretting so many things right now that you don't know what to do with yourself. You just want to stop missing him so damn much.
You've never really felt like this before, so. . . lost.You're Dick Casablancas, the shallow, surfer, 09er dude that never lets anything affect him directly or. . . indirectly for that matter. You live in motherfucking Neptune and you're much too rich for problems. All of this bad shit is only supposed to happen to emo dudes like Logan or Duncan. You always thought that their issues would have been a lot easier to deal with if they both weren't so hung up on that bitch Veronica. It crosses your mind for a moment that maybe Veronica should have noticed something about Beaver, what with her fucking private-I skills, nothing ever seems to get by her. You can't blame her for anything though, no matter how much you want to, because you know that you should have been the one to notice something, anything.
You do that thing that people always talk about where you look back on the memories to see what in the hell went wrong. You think of those rare nights that Beaver would come into your room because he didn't want to be alone and the even rarer nights that you didn't kick him out. Beav would look at you with those stupid puppy dog eyes and you'd hold him close, no questions asked, for once not thinking of how gay it was to show affection like that. You remember him being twelve and how he wouldn't let anyone touch him but you. You wonder 'how didn't I fucking notice.' You remember when he came to you and cried into your neck, mumbling about how he'd done something really really bad. You wonder 'how didn't I fucking notice,' and you realize then that there are way to many moments where you should've noticed something was up, but you didn't because you figured that Beaver was just being Beaver, and he was always finding something to cry about. Maybe you should have taken a step back to look at Beaver and realize that he was being Cassidy. You never thought about it before but there was always this distinct difference between the two, even though you only ever called him by one name. You remember how much he hated the name Beaver but at the time, you never much cared for what Beaver 'My name is Cassidy' Casablancas wanted.
The one time your dad decided to stop being a fucking coward and showed up in the penthouse that you and Logan shared; you wondered how he even had the nerve to show his face after he didn't even come back for Beaver's funeral but really, that shouldn't have surprised you. You may have treated Beaver like shit but your dad always treated him worse. You can't remember a time when your dad ever showed that he cared about his youngest, even a little. Mostly, he just pretended that Beav didn't exist, just like everyone else. You wish you could blame all of this on your dad. You wish you could say that it was entirely his fucking fault for making Beaver so fragile until something in him snapped to make him broken. But it was everything and everyone, what you really couldn't live with was the fact that it was you. You think of how you and your dad would have those contests to see which of you could make Beaver cry. Really, you weren't much better than him and you hate it.
You wonder sometimes if you could have been the one to save him and maybe in some alternate reality where you don't have the last name Casablancas or live in the town of Neptune where nothing is ever an accident, this could have been a possibility but you aren't that guy, you never will be. You have to live with the regrets because everything you're thinking now is just too little too late. Your little brother isn't coming back.