This here be the epilogue. Arrgh. I don't know why I donned a pirate voice. Enjoy, people.

Yes, that means Bad Fauxmance is completely complete. Tears!


In which Bella messes up my happily ever after

One-ish Year Later

Taking Bella to Chicago with me was a good idea… for the most part. My family freaking loves her, except Alice, who's still pissed at her for 'forgiving' me. Alice is a little twat, though, so none of us take her seriously. Even Bella, who is usually nice even if she shouldn't be, has started openly ragging on her.

But she's also drunk, and it's Christmas. She keeps saying things like, "Alice, did it hurt when you fell? From the North Pole?" and "Alice, with your nose so bright, I'm gonna fuck your brother tonight" to the tune of Rudolph, The Red Nose Reindeer.

It's been a good year. Bella's gone back to school, and I finally got my bachelor's degree last semester. We moved into a smaller apartment – only one room, with a huge bed we bought with the money we saved. We're still young, but I think this is it for me. I haven't bought – or even looked at – a ring or anything, but we've started asking each other about future goals and children and good places to raise a family, so it's probably only a matter of time. When you know, you know. Sometimes, things are that simple.

There's been a lot of screaming and a lot of sex (sometimes those two things coincided), but there's been a lot of learning and love, too. Being a good partner isn't always innate, and it's been a ride, being taught when to push and when to back off, when to hold her and when to leave her alone, and when no actually means yes, and yes means 'I dare you.'

I pick back up on the conversation around the table as Bella takes another cup of Egg-nog. I'm going to need to surreptitiously cut her off soon, because she's starting to slur her words.

"I don't think we've ever gotten a clear answer on how you two met," my mom says, holding up her own Egg-nog. It sloshes over the cup. God, she's drunk, too. This can't be good.

"Because Edward has forbidden me to tell you!" Bella crows. "I've wanted to, because I think it's hilarious – "

"Baby, let's just – "

"No, shut up, Edward. Are you ashamed?"

What a slippery slope. There's not a damn thing I can say that won't sound asshole-ish. "Um, do you want another cookie?"

"NO. I want to tell your mom how we met. Anyway, Esme, it was adorable… kind of. I mean, okay… well…"

I'm praying to every single god of humility at this point. Oh please please please…

"Edward here acted like he was gay for months, just so he could get to know me! Isn't that cute?"

Every single pair of eyes turns towards me.



Thanks again, everyone.

Check out my new story, Grand Jete, would you? I'm putting all my heart and soul in this one.