"I've been postulating."
One sentence was usually all she needed to close the door in his face, but occasionally a phrase would do.
"Yep, another beautiful morning to you, too." She retreated back inside.
"Penny, I have a series of questions to ask you," he said, bent at the hips to lean toward her apartment without entering it.
"Mmkay, can I have my breakfast while you postulate or do I need both my hands?" She was already pouring herself a bowl of cereal.
"What you do with your hands is irrelevant," he replied, as if the question had offended him. "By all means, indulge in your corn starch and glucose flavored death-food."
She curled up on the couch, munching on the cereal—the milk was going sour, maybe it'd hold for another couple days.
"Gonna sit down, Sheldon, or are gonna weeble-wobble in the door all day?" She patted the cushion beside her, and he watched the spot with glazed eyes before quickly sliding over to gingerly sit beside her.
"Let's begin." Sheldon flipped open the notebook, snapping his head up to give Penny a serious stare-down. "How many sexual partners have you had in the last five years?" he asked stoically.
Her spoon hung sideways out of her mouth. "What." It wasn't even a question, simply disbelief.
"You see," he clarified, clicking his pen and pressing it to paper in preparation, "I've observed that any sort of serious relationship between people of the opposite sex is usually initiated in order to lead to sexual relations with the proposed partner, and yet many people seem to gloss over their partner's previous—oh, let's say liaisons which could lead to the spreading of numerous unwanted sexually transmitted diseases."
"Get out." Her spoon was the declaratory finger, hovering dangerously close to his nose.
"But but Penny," he continued, scooting away from the silverware, "this is an extremely important data-collecting session for the purpose of research into the forming of personal relationships!"
"Get your sick research kicks somewhere else, then." She was advancing with the spoon. They both had moved off the couch, he retreating from the gleaming weapon. One more threatening jab and he was across the threshold, and the door was slammed with learned celerity.
He stood outside her closed door for exactly two minutes—he timed it carefully. Once the second hand on his watch had ticked over, he began again.
Knock knock knock.
"UGH, go away, Sheldon."
Knock knock knock.
"I could take your eye out with a spoon, y'know."
Knock knock knock.
She opened the door, spoon ready to attack and her face clenched in pink anger. Sheldon held his notebook out in front of him as a shield, all of his spindly body wincing and ready for the attack.
Her eyes glanced down at the open page of the notebook. In precise writing (surrounded by scribbles of notes illegible to the human eye) stood the words:
Likelihood of engaging in a deemed romantic relationship slim with current criteria—further research necessary. Isolate factors in:
Availability—no male visitors for five days
Attraction—unknown; received hug three days previous for returning mail
Interest in Physical Relationship—seek clarification on
And Sheldon moved back three steps, aware suddenly that his notes were being read and his eyeball was not being gouged out by a spoon. Those eyeballs were stretched wide in unbelievable shock.
"You read my notes!" He was more offended than embarrassed. Maybe all offended. "I'm not finished, you can't read my notes!"
Flustered, Sheldon turned quickly on heel and fled back to his apartment, flinging the pen in his frustrated inability to open the door with occupied hands.
Penny laughed, after a moment of blank contemplation. This indeed was an interesting turn of events. She crossed the hall, leaned down to pick up the hastily-discarded pen, and retreated back into her apartment. He'd have to mean it if he wanted to get it back. If he wanted to further his research.
AN: Hello, new fandom (big scary new place)! I started watching TBBT very recently and almost instantly shipped Sheldon/Penny. So much love. Now, attempting to write it is something else completely. Just a little plot bunny I had to take care of, but there's no guarantee I won't be back. Much love, thanks for reading, and stay awesome!