Sometimes ideas just won't lemme alone. This one won't. I started out wanting to write a story about Edge being made the GM of SD while he was unable to compete (months ago). I was discussing it w/ Fae awhile back. I was aiming for it to turn out like 'Sold'. It hasn't wanted that. What I've been getting is crackfic and pure random silliness. I will warn you, some superstars are waay way out of character and I poke fun of a lot of them, esp my faves. Edge has been made the new GM of SD b/c, well, VG and Teddy are suckish. Jeff is his 'personal' assistant (what? Edge can't be without his Hardys) Language, some sex as usual (though it probably won't dominate it as usual), wrestling violence, comical violence, poking fun of wrestling and its superstars, sarcasm, randomness, silliness, and a sleazy power-hungry Edge in charge of a whole roster. Featuring; Edge, Hardyz, Jeri, JoMo, Punk, RKO and more...
I don't own, this is for fantasy, none of this ever happened or ever will happen.
Easy Being Sleazy;
Chapter one/ 'SmackDown Gets Rated R'
Rated; M/ L, (Vince yelling, petting, Punk preaching, and desecration of Skittles)
Vince McMahon, Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, walked into view on the screen.. er, in the room. Teddy had just attempted to make a match and Vickie had popped up to give her opinion, screech and annoy the WWE Universe. Both the current GM and his personal tormentor.. erm, the Official Consultant to SmackDown, Vickie Guerrero stopped when Mr. McMahon cleared his throat.
"It has come to my attention that having Teddy in charge and making Vickie his Official Consultant was a terrible idea. So, therefore, Teddy, Vickie, you're both fired." He simply said.
"What? Excuse me!" Vickie screeched making the audience groan in utter pain.
"But.. but.. but, Sir.. What makes you think..?" Teddy blubbered.
"Are you questioning me? Are you standing here thinking you have the cohonies to question me, Vincent Kennedy McMahon?" McMahon huffed. Yes, he said cohonies.
"Well, n..no, Sir. But, what about SmackDown?" The spineless former GM stammered.
"I have that covered." Vince folded his arms over his over-inflated chest.
"You have it covered? And just how is that?" Vickie demanded unhappily.
"I've hired a new General Manager. Seems you two are annoying and can't manage to do a damn thing right. Teddy, you make piss-poor decisions and shoddy match-ups that are stale and keep people near comatose. And, Vickie, you're just plain unbearable to watch and listen to."
Vickie stared at him insulted before screeching. "Excuse me! This is unacceptable, Mr. McMahon. I'm a Guerrero, you cannot do this to.."
"Shut up!" Vince yelled. The boom of his voice making the short and stubby Latina step back a bit.
"Well, Sir, if you don't mind my asking; Who did you hire in our places, uh, Sir?" Teddy asked.
Vince grinned. "Well, that's just something you'll have to next week to find out. But, let's just say this person is going to drag SmackDown back out of it's slump, if you will. Now, if you'll see yourselves out, I have a show to see to its end."
"The show is almost over, Vince. All we had left to do was make some big match for next week. But, you kept us from doing so, Vince." She said hatefully.
"That's Mr. McMahon to you."
"I no longer work for you." She huffed, making her exit.
Vince glared in that direction before turning his pursed scowl to Teddy. The cowardly GM made a funny nasally noise then scampered off behind her. Next week's SmackDown was going to usher in a new era. He'd be damned sure of it.
(SmackDown, top of broadcast)
Edge spun around in the chair, that famous grin spread widely across his face. "Hahaha, thank you, Mr. McMahon. You won't regret this decision."
"I should surely hope not, Edge." The Chairman said standing off to the side of SmackDown's newest General Manager as Edge got up to look around his new office. Touching to everything in curiosity. He had major changes to make.
"Just one little thing I want though." Edge said, his tongue searching under his top lip before pulling out to make an annoying popping sound.
Vince tilted his head to the side, neither man looking at one another. "Well, that would all depend on what exactly that is."
"Jeff Hardy." Edge turned to him, grinning wryly.
"Now, Edge. I'm sure you recall the stipulation where Jeff Hardy had to retire from WWE due to annoying bastard." Vince reminded.
Edge gave him a facial shrug. "Oh, I am very aware, Sir. But, you see, I don't need Jeff to be an active competitor. Or your employ. I want Jeff to be my assistant. My personal assistant." Edge grinned cockily as he sat back down, shuddering at the sweet thoughts of how many would have to obey his will.
"Well, I won't make any guarantees, but we'll certainly see if we can get..." Vince was cut off as Jeff Hardy came into the office.
"Hi, Vinnie-Mac." He waved.
Vince twitched. "That's Mr. McMahon to you."
Jeff scoffed. "I dun work for you. I work for Edge now." The younger Hardy stuck his tongue out at the Chairman and plopped down in Edge's lap, wrapping his arms around his neck and nuzzling his face against Edge's head.
The taller blonde locked his arms around Jeff's waist and held the younger man close. "Ooh, you can't argue with that logic, eh, McMahon?"
Vince just grumbled under his breath, leaving and hoping Edge could pull SmackDown out of it's current sucktitude.
Edge only laughed as he watched him exit. "Now, where do we start?"
The first match was Michelle McCool vs Mickie James for the Women's Championship. Edge deemed that if Michelle lost she was gone from WWE. 'Out with the annoying and in with the totally awesome' being the theme. He also made the match No DQ. Michelle got an early cheap-shot, but soon almost every Diva, excluding Layla, who was just plain sick of Michelle thinking she was so damn perfect stormed the ring, attacked Michelle and placed Mickie on top of her, holding her down as the referee counted the three.
Mickie proudly held up her belt, everyone applauded the leaving of Michelle who turned into a screeching demon dragon thingy and had to be vanquished... sorta.. She tossed a shit fit and the whole roster of Divas carried her out.
Matt walked back into the GM's office. Edge was too busy cooing to Jeff and rubbing his face in his neck to notice, so Matt cleared his throat.
"You have got to be kidding me? Vince agreed to let you be the General Manager?"
"That's right, Matthew. He also agreed to let me keep this." Edge motioned to the 'this' that occupied his lap.
Matt rolled his eyes and folded his arms. "Jeff, I thought we agreed."
"No, you agreed, Matty. Like always, you agree on what I will do, then I'll go do whatever I want to do as usual. Have you forgot how this goes?" Jeff asked, motioning between himself and Matt.
"Oh, don't be so strung up, Matt. We're gonna have it made now. I'm in charge. Don't you see the possibilities here?" Edge got up and placed Jeff back down in the seat. He grabbed Matt by the shoulders and looked at him, shaking the older Hardy slightly. The look in his eyes and on his face was like that of a kid in a candy store. "This show is ours for the taking, Matt. Don't you see how awesome this is?"
Matt took down Edge's hands. "All I see is you running this show and all our careers down the toilet. I don't want you to take my and Jeff's legacy down with it."
Edge's happiness fell. "I'm not going to run anything in the.. How could you think..? Ooh!" Edge whined, stomping his foot like a two year old. Edge's little tantrum was cut off by CM Punk's music on the TV. Apparently the little whine-bag was making his way out to the ring to say something. "Oh, great. This is just great." He said sarcastically, rubbing at his temple and waving his other hand toward the screen. "Why didn't I remember to fire that bastard?"
Jeff moved and let Edge flop down into the seat. Sighing in boredom and threading his fingers through his hair. CM Punk and Luke Gallows made their way to the ring and Punk immediately got a microphone.
"Oh, look, Punk's gonna preach again." Matt sighed.
(Cue to Punk in ring)
"You are all addicts, blah blah blah.. I am better than you because I am Straightedge, and I am Straightedge because I have a slightly irrational fear that I will become an alcoholic... blah blah blah.. I don't drink.. blah.. I don't smoke.. blah blah.. I don't drugs.. blah blah blah.."
(cue back to everyone in office)
Edge was asleep, Jeff was half asleep. The poor younger Hardy's left eye was twitching and his right eyelid was half closed. Matt yawned and Edge snorted awake.
"Is this all he ever says?" The GM yawned.
"Afraid so." Jeff mumbled.
"It's the same spiel week after week." Matt added.
(back to Punk)
"And now we have a General Manager who his first order of business was to bring back into the company, Jeff Hardy to be his 'personal'," Punk made little finger quotations. "Assistant. Jeff Hardy, the man I retired blah blah blah..." Punk stopped and shook his head.
Luke petted on him more.
(back at office)
"Luke pets on Punkers a little too much." Jeff mused, petting on Edge.
"I know, it's disturbing to watch." Edge grimaced. He suddenly shivered, starting to purr as Jeff raked his fingers through his hair.
Luke continued petting on Punk and rubbing his shoulders on the screen.
"I'm putting Punk in a beard vs beard match with Mike Knox. Either way one of those psycho looking, pseudo religious/but not really, man beards have got to go." Edge shuddered. Made him itch just looking at it.
"Hey, I'd talk about having that type of beard, Ad..Edge.. I remember yours. It tickled and itched me like crazy." Jeff complained.
Edge rolled his eyes over to the younger male. "You loved it."
Edge pouted. "I had just got back from Hell! Gimme a break! They dun have razors in Hell, y'know." Edge folded his arms and continued his pouting.
Jeff stared forward and blinked.
(back in ring)
"A man who is an addict, a pathetic weak-minded blah blah blah.. And I have the found the source of Jeff's addiction." Punk took a black bag from Luke, who hopped out of ring and got a trash can and some other supplies from out under the ring. "Right here." Punk reached inside the bag and pulled forth another red plastic bag.
(back to office)
Jeff perked up, the younger Hardy stared starry-eyed. Becoming all twitchy and jittery as he started babbling incoherently. Edge backed away from the younger man and Matt shook his head.
"Skittles!" Jeff shouted, getting down to the floor to be closer to the TV screen as the camera zeroed in on his obsession. He pawed at it longingly before the camera panned back. Jeff recoiled and sat Indian-styled on the floor, rocking back-n-forth. He pointed and the TV. "Skittles.. Punk stole my Skittles.. He will burn! Burn, I tell ya!"
Luke got back in the ring and sat down the trashcan.
"Now, in order to save you.. in order to save your tainted minds, we must first get rid of all the things that cause us temptation. Putting this junk into your body is no different than putting poison into your blood stream." Punk continued.
"What is that idiot doing? Oh, he can't be serious?!" Jeff shouted in distress.
The younger Hardy whimpered, watching helplessly as Punk poured the rainbow colored candy down into the trashcan.
"Once the thing that causes your addiction has been gotten out of the way you can't start to better yourself in more healthier, more productive ways." Punk took a yellow bottle, that was the all to familiar lighter fluid, and started squirting it into the trashcan.
"No. No, he's not going to.. That bastard!" Jeff bit on his nails, watching suspensefully.
Punk then took a match and struck it before tossing it in. The trashcan instantly filled with flames.
"Nooooo! No, it's NOT right! My Skittles!" Jeff dropped his head into his hands, mourning his lost candy. "They didn't deserve to die like that! They did nothing wrong!" Jeff sobbed.
"That idiot is gonna burn down my ring." Edge pointed at the TV. "And he made my Jeffy-kins cry! No one but Matt does that!"
"Yeah." Matt proclaimed proudly before he realized what he just said. Then his smile fell. "Hey, wait!" He glared at Edge.
Punk taunted and stood profoundly next to the burning trashcan. Triumphant that he had managed to destroy a 5 dollar bag of Skittles. Crew members came to put out the fire as SmackDown took a commercial break.
I dunno why Mr. McMahon would hand SD over to Edge, but this story isn't supposed to make sense. I apologize right now, hehe. I started writing this about a couple months back when I was in a silly mood and joking around a lot with my brother. It's done out of complete and utter boredom. Taker, Rey and Batista were still having their little feud, Serena wasn't there yet, Edge was still out with his injury. Jeff had to be in here b/c it's just weird for me to write a story that isn't heavy with our favorite little Enigma, XD. Punk's beard currently puts Edge's 'back from Hell' caveman beard to shame as far as being out of control and making him look crazy. It's not as bad as Knox's, but it's getting there slowly O.o ..F.Y.I, I don't really like Michelle. I'm usually not one for bashing in fics, but I've made everyone else look silly, so.. The Punk 'slightly irrational fear' bit/insult came from Dark Fae Angel awhile back (31st chp of 'Muse Troubles') It seemed to fit with the insanity/theme here. No offense. I actually respect his lifestyle. I wish to have no part of it, but I respect it. Just his little promos seem to amuse me and make me twitch at the same time.
No harm intended, I love all these people in my own special ways ;) I respect all wrestlers beliefs and abilities, talent and hard work. This is just for fun and never happened. As far as pairings, I dunno. Sans for high Jedam undertones. (Note; Maybe some Medge, maybe Edge/JoMo) It will be slash though. Always ;) And Addy will top. Jeff, JoMo and Punk may bottom.. shit, Matt may bottom... I'll put nothing past me..