My heart broke a little watching this week's episode, both because it was insanely good and because, by the end of it, I felt that Chuck, Blair and even Jenny had grown about a foot taller morally. And Love The Way You Lie? Have Josh Schwartz & Co. been reading my rants on how that song was written about Chair? Anyway, a classic C/B moment - one for the ages, in my opinion - and so I thought I should end this particular series of vignettes in a way which expresses that.
On a side note, does Juliet know EVERYONE? Pretty soon she'll be in cahoots with Lily and Rufus.
I remember a day - a night - when I didn't fear the morning. I remember when I rose up, smiled like I believed and danced with the devil because he would never be coming to collect. I remember eyes in the darkness, the flash burn of eyes on my skin; I remember. I remember a fiery baptism of white light and glory. I remember an ache, unfamiliar, a soothing still sweeter than the promise of new truth. I remember the first of all the first times, the domino tipped into the chain; I remember.
I remember the blow - harder than I'd ever before sustained - that I thought would fell me. I remember realising that it hadn't, that this blow was one in a series to teach me who we were: indestructible. I remember rising from the bottom and clawing my way back to the top; I remember.
I remember the days - long, hazy, lazy days - when my heart felt swollen and I didn't know why. I remember drowning it in alcohol and kisses that were half-formed, blown rose petals with no flower to fall from. I remember one, and then another, and then another: blue eyes and brown hair in one after another after another; I remember. I remember the promise of royalty, the promise of security, the promise of danger. I remember hatred for words neither of us could say, and hatred against love for holding me in its grip; I remember.
I remember light - perfect, glorious sunshine - when moments were dreams, ridiculous dreams that no one had to tell me to believe in. I remember eyes open wide when the pain was gone, blessed relief. I remember certainty, and promises; I remember.
I remember the blow that broke my back.
I remember the blow that ought to have killed me.
And I know this moment is empty, hanging in the air like a cobweb spinning as I reach out my hand with no thought to the consequences. There's that flash burn again when it seems as if this is the catalyst for every part of me, and with it that sudden impetus to remember, to forget the world and just remember...everything.
I remember when we were sixteen years old and he used to look at me like that.