AN: I've been sitting on this fic since literally the day after "Black Light Attack" aired. I really didn't think it was good enough to publish, but... anyway, apologies if it doesn't conform to current continuity, if enough people like it, I'll try to keep going. Thanks.
Danny took a breath and steeled himself. He knew he had promised Jack that he would never divulge Jack's feelings for Liz to another living soul, and if there was one thing that set Canadians apart from the neighbors to the south from the very beginning (other than the belief that Catholics should be allowed the vote) it was loyalty to figures of authority.
Still, he knew the inner torment Jack must go through having to work with Liz every day and he respected the older man too much let him suffer.
The solution was simple, but Danny knew he couldn't do it alone.
He knocked softly although the door was slightly ajar. "Hey, Tracy?'
Tracy looked up from his Godzilla bukkake to give Danny his full attention.
"I'm kind of having a problem and I was hoping you could help me out with it," Danny began nervously.
"I just have one question," Tracy began.
"Okay," Danny encouraged.
"How do I know you again?" Tracy asked.
"Um... we work on the same show," Danny replied.
"Okay. Now... why is this so important to you?" Tracy demanded.
Danny took a breath. "Because... I know what it's like to have an unrequited love."
Tracy gasped. "But I thought Canadians mated for life."
"We do," Danny agreed, "but... there was this girl I met back at Degrassi Junior High..."
"You were on that show?" Tracy asked.
"Understood," Tracy nodded.
"Anyway... she was the most beautiful woman you could imagine by Canadian standards," Danny continued, "I mean, she was Ellen Page Pretty."
"I'm starting to understand you hooking up with Liz Lemon," Tracy butted in.
"I spent every day trying to work up the nerve to talk to her, but... every time I opened my mouth, all of my feelings overpowered me and I didn't know how to express them. In the end, it got to be so bad that I started to wish I could just become like a machine... or a robot."
"Too heavy-handed," Tracy pointed out.
"Yeah, you're right, skip that," Danny agreed. "But I do know what Jack is feeling and I know how that can haunt you for the rest of your life. I can't let him go through that."
Tracy checked to make sure he wasn't standing, then rose dramatically to his feet. "You're right, Danny! We owe it to Jack and Liz Lemon to help them find love!" Tracy placed an arm lightly around Danny. "To think: once again the most forgettable person has taught us a lesson."
"Um... I don't think I'm that forgettable," Danny said.
Personally, I can say I forgot his name three times in the course of writing this.
"You heard the man," Tracy agreed.
"Um... no, I didn't," Danny replied, darting his head around in confusion.
"Anyway," Tracy pressed on, "you and me and let's say... Jenna, are going to do everything we can to make this happen for Liz and Jack."
Danny smiled. "Thanks, those two deserve to be happy."
"They absolutely do," Tracy agreed.
"You wanted to see me, Jack?" Liz asked cautiously.
"Lemon," Jack began, "Refresh my memory: Wu-Tang Clan... something to fuck with?"
Liz shook her head urgently.
Jack tsked. "I'll have Jonathan drafted an official retraction."
"Is that all?" Liz asked.
Jack shook his head. "Lemon, dealing with Banks has been a nightmare lately," Jack groaned. "In the past few weeks I have been called upon to justify every one of our networks: USA, Telemundo, Bravo... Jonathan has been the last three days straight writing a summary of Battlestar Galactica."
"That explains all the crying," Liz observed.
"Hmm. I hadn't notice," Jack admitted indifferently. "In any case, we are being asked to defend everything NBC Universal has done for the past ten years."
"Wow," Liz winced. "But we're okay, right?"
Jack snickered at her ignorance. "Lemon, CBS consistently slaughters us despite having an audience composed entirely of people too senile to realize they've spent that last twenty years watching a show about navy lawyers. Fox does the same with programming solely based around American Idol and cartoons about lovable date raptists. As for ABC... I have no proof even exists other than they're coming out ahead of us in the ratings. "
Jack grimaced. "The only thing the American public associates with us is screwing over Conan O'Brien."
"But we did a fantastic job at that," Liz jumped in.
"I know," Jack said proudly. "The point is, we need to something to turn this network around and I'm putting you in charge of it."
"Really?" Liz asked. "Wow..."
"I know you can handle it," Jack assured her. "Just... don't screw over Fallon. It conflicts with something we have planned down the road."
"I'll get right on that..." Liz agreed. "Do you have any advice?"
Jack shook his head. "Not this time, Lemon, though I will be sure to include you in my prayers," Jack confessed.
"Thanks," Liz said, turning to leave.
"Both in the faith I was raised in and in the secret religion of the very wealthy," Jack added.
"Yog-Sothoth?" Liz called back.
Jack shook his head. "Adam Ruhani... the first proto-human."
Toofer drew Frank and Lutz into a closer huddle, shutting the door behind them. "Okay, Frank: this is bad. I mean, really bad. And gross."
"I know, I know," Frank repeated, rocking back and forth in a panic.
Toofer held up a hand. "If anyone: Liz, Jack, Pete... finds out about this, it's all over."
Frank kept shaking and Lutz wondered if he should Tell Him. Maybe that would help him relax. It didn't generally, but it had to work eventually.
"But they don't have to find out," Toofer said resolutely.
Frank looked up hopefully.
"We protect each other here," Toofer assured him.
"We support each other," Lutz chimed in, "no matter what one of us might be hiding."
"Right," Frank agreed, calming somewhat.
"Above all else," Toofer emphasized, "we keep each other's secrets."
Lutz nodded. "Like that Toofer is in a Cardigans tribute band."
"Or that Lutz was born with a functioning uterus," Toofer agreed.
"Or that I sneak in here after you all go home, and sleep under Cerie's desk," Josh volunteered.
The three writers turned to stare daggers at him. "I'm sorry, this is a meeting of current TGS employees."
"Sorry," Josh replied sheepishly, then floated silently away.
Once he was gone, they proceeded as if he was never there. "Okay, this is bad, Frank. But I promise you we'll made sure this never gets out."
"Absolutely," Lutz nodded.
"Thanks, guys," Frank breathed a sigh of relief.
Next Week: It gets out.