She's bored with life.
That isn't anything new. She's been bored with life since the moment she was born. There are even baby pictures of her staring blankly into space, silently telling the camera to fuck off. People think she's just quiet and mysterious, but the truth is, she just doesn't give a fuck really.
There aren't too many things she cares about, and there are even less people. She surrounds herself with people who are full of drama because judging them at least gives her something to do. And that's another horrible misconception about her. People think she's the least judgmental person in the world- that's why they all tell her their secrets. The truth, though, is that she's very judgmental. She looks down on people who wallow in their own ridiculous bullshit instead of doing something about it. It's weak, and she hates weakness.
Her friends aren't really her friends at all. She doesn't have friends. She never has, and she never will. She only has one friend- Panda. Panda's the only one she cares about in the whole group, and that isn't going to change. She's always needed to take care of Pandora and make sure that she doesn't hurt herself or get into trouble or anything like that. She needs to watch out for her the way a mum's supposed to look out for her kid. Of course, she isn't Panda's mum. She's no one's mum. And she never wants to be.
But she still has to take care of her.
Pandora needs someone to look after her and guide her. She needs her, and it's good to be needed. No one else needs her. Her parents don't need her. Her "friends" don't really need her. Even Freddie doesn't need her. She's a convenience to all of them- just as they are to her. But Pandora is different. She loves Pandora.
She loves Tony, too.
He's the only other one who needs her or who she feels she needs. He's her big brother. He's always taken care of her, even when they were shouting at each other and ready to kill each other, he's always been there for her. When they were kids, if anyone ever picked on her, which was rare but happened on occasion, he would threaten to kick their arse and beat the shit out of them. When she was in trouble at home, he would always tell her it would be okay and then would tell her what assholes their parents were. Sometimes he would even take the blame for her, just so she wouldn't get in trouble.
But Tony's gone. He's been gone for nearly two years now, and even when he pops in for holidays and such, he's different. He's not the same anymore. Uni's changed him, and he's more laid back now, more carefree. He doesn't agree with her anymore when she bitches about their parents. Instead, he tells her to calm down and try to stay out of trouble. He tells her not to stress them out because they're "going through a lot."
Well, she's going through a fucking lot, too, but nobody gives a shit.
Tony doesn't understand because he doesn't have to deal with it. He wasn't in the house when they were shouting at each other every minute of every day. He wasn't there when their mum's affair came to light or when their dad packed up all his things and left. Tony hasn't been there on any of the occasions when their dad's come back around and tried to joke and have a laugh with her as though nothing's wrong. He hasn't been there at the standard "divorced kid" dinner where Dad and daughter sit down in some low budget family themed restaurant and dine on overcooked fish and chips and pretend to the whole world that they're a perfectly happy little family.
And Tony hasn't been there to see any of their mum's crackpot antics.
She's a complete nightmare- a fucking total mental headcase. She drinks too much and is addicted to nerve pills that the doctor prescribed for her "anxiety." She doesn't do much of anything besides lie around the house and watch Eastenders and reruns of The OC. Occasionally, she goes out to the pub and doesn't return until the next day. She's probably going to bring home Chlamydia or something equally as gross any day now, but it'll serve her right for being a forty-five year old slag.
But it doesn't matter. She ignores it all and gets lost in her own haze of liquor and pills and sex- if it's good enough for her mum, it's good enough for her.
Freddie fucks her good. Not as good as Cook did, honestly, but that's not his fault. Cook fucks better because he cares more- he cares about everything. He's like some hyperactive ball of constant sensory overload. He's violent and passionate and loud. He fucks the same way he does everything else. Dramatically.
Freddie's the opposite. Freddie's just like her. He doesn't care too much about anything. He's quiet and doesn't have much to say. He's laid back and lets life pass him. He watches other people's drama instead of dwelling on his own. Maybe that's why they get along. He likes drugs and alcohol, too, and they can go on binges together and then fuck away the rest of their boredom. It's nice. In a completely boring sort of way.
But Freddie is good for her. He's what everyone terms as a "good guy." That's not entirely true. He's done plenty of fucked up shit that no one seems to notice or at least care about. But he gets away with it, and people don't look at him as an off the handle nutcase like Cook. Cook is the "bad boy," and Freddie is the "good guy."
She went with the safe choice because it was easier. Now she's stuck there.
In the end, though, the boys will always choose each other, and she knows it. She knows that she's the reason they were fucked in the first place, but she can't make herself feel sorry for it. It was amusing to watch, and she got a sadistic sort of pleasure out of watching the two of them turn on each other because of her. It was like a game, and she enjoyed it for a couple of rounds. But then it got old.
So she made her choice.
She's never had a real boyfriend before, so she isn't sure if it's always this boring or if it only feels that way because Freddie is boring. In a way, she misses Cook. She misses the drama and the passion and the violence. Sometimes she wishes Freddie was the type to punch people out at the drop of a hat, but he's not. He hasn't got that in him, and she can't fault him for it. Look where it got Cook. He's locked up and will probably stay that way for awhile. So maybe she made the right choice. After all, it'd be hard to get fucked from prison, wouldn't it?
She imagines what people would say if she was dating a delinquent. What would Tony say if she told him she was in love with a jailbird? He'd probably scoff at her and tell her to grow up and stop being such a drama queen. He'd treat her like a kid because that's what he loves doing lately. He never used to treat her like a child before he left. Now he acts like she's a little kid.
She's definitely not a little kid.
She lost anything and everything having to do with childhood a long time ago, and she can't even remember what it was like to be innocent. Maybe she was never innocent. Maybe she was born corrupted and that's why she's been bored her whole life.
Whatever. Boring is safe. And that's what matters, right?
A/N: Maybe I'll do more of these if anyone reads it…