Last night I had my first ever "Clerks" dream... this is my attempt to reconstruct that. All of the story beats and a lot of the jokes come directly from the dream with just enough new material to make it almost make sense. Whether I succeeded, that's for you to decide.
The Great Escape
Dante could feel the anxiety ripping his stomach apart. If this worked out, he was finally set for life; no more working at the Quik Stop, no more living with his parents, he might even move out of Leonardo. He life would be on track at last. He slammed the padlock into place resolutely.
"Hey, let me ask you this," Randal began as he slid through the door, "say you're trapped on a desert island with Blake Lively and Leighton Meester. Which one do you eat first? Because, I was thinking... what are you doing?"
"I finally got a major brewing company interested in the Paradiso," Dante explained, laying another chain across the cooler doors.
"The what?" Randal twerked.
"The Paradiso. The drink I've been trying to prefect since Eighth Grade," Dante explained, "You've been helping me test it the last few years, don't you remember?"
"I've dedicated every one of my spare moments working on this drink, Randal," Dante explained. "I took this job so I'd still have time to work on it every day... I even dropped out of community college so I'd have more time to prefect the recipe."
"Yeah, that's probably the gentlest way to put it," Randal broke in.
"Anyway, the people from the brewing company are coming here today at two and I need to keep this drink safe until they get there," Dante provided exposition. "Nothing can happen to this cooler until then."
"So... if Jay came in, that would probably be a bad thing, right?" Randal asked rhetorically.
"Yes, I can safely say that would be a worst case scenario," Dante replied.
"Mm-hm," Randal nodded.
"He's in the next aisle, isn't he?" Dante asked.
"OF course," Randal replied cheerfully.
"Oh god," Dante sighed, making his way to Jay.
"Hey clerks, you guys sell Ziggy Pig ice cream?" Jay asked.
Dante steeled himself, maybe this would be the one time in his life that he could resolve a problem diplomatically. "Jay, you and I are friends, right?"
Jay nodded. "You and me are like brothers, nootch."
Dante sighed in exasperation. "Jay, we are brothers."
"Oh, right," Jay remembered, "our Mom got fucked by the same guy."
"Right, Dad," Dante offered helpfully. "And as your brother, I'm going to ask you for a favor."
Jay looked him up and down. "I don't fuck guys."
"I'm not asking..."
"I mean, I know what everyone's been saying, but Jay Hicks is strictly tang-oriented," Jay insisted.
"Of course, but..."
"But, since you are my brother and all, I will give you a Dutch Rutter," Jay granted. "That's only fair."
"Jay," Dante sighed, "all I'm asking you to do is stay away from this case," Dante said, pointing behind himself.
"That case?" Jay asked.
Dante nodded. "Just 'til the end of the day."
Jay nodded. "I can totally do that."
"Thank you," Dante smiled.
"No problem," Jay replied. "Come on Silent Bob!"
Dante froze. Sure enough, Silent Bob emerged from behind him, a crowbar in one hand, the now-empty Paradiso bottle in the other.
Dante turned to face jimmied cooler case and crumpled silently to the ground.
"Oh my God!" Randal shouted.
Dante turned to face him.
"We've had a new copy of Final Fantasy VII wedged in the magazine rack all this time!" Randal shouted.
Dante crumpled his head into his hands.
Let me know if you me to continue...