Okay guys, bear with me on this. This is the first thing I've written in a month. I've had a lot of personal problems lately, which is probably where this came from. It's disjointed, unbetaed, and probably makes no sense, but here it is, none the less.
Time, time is a funny thing. It passes so quickly and only when we look back do we realize how much we missed. People look back on time in all kinds of ways. Happy when you're with family, sad, when you've seen a death. When you've done something wrong, you look back to see how you ended up there, and when everything is going right, well, you don't really look back at all.
I have had a lot of time to look back recently, look back at the way my life was, think of how it could have been different. What would have happened to me had my father not been with Mossad, had my mother not died, even if Tali hadn't died. I look back to when Ari died, and where I would be if he hadn't. I would be without family, without people who cared, without love.
My life changed the day I walked into that bullpen. I would be a fool not to recognize that it did. Something changed within me in the following weeks, months, years. I became different from what I grew up as. I learned to feel, to love, to laugh, to care… All of those things that I missed when I was a child. I know that I was robbed of my childhood, and nothing can bring that back, but there are certainly things that can make up for it.
I have a father who cares for me, who loves me just the way I am, faults and all. One would argue that he's not my real father, his seed didn't create me, but I would argue right back that it has nothing to do with that. A father is someone who loves you, who takes the time to make sure you're okay. A father will love you, no matter how many mistakes you make and how awful they seem to be at the time. He will understand, or try to, at least, what your motives were for making those mistakes. A father would go to the ends of the earth to find you, which is what mine did.
Having people that care for you, it makes a real difference in your life. You know that you could go to them for anything, anything at all, and they would do whatever it took to help you. I have people that would kill for me, and would die for me. Before, it was every man for himself. I have come to understand what it means to be a member of a team, to trust someone implicitly, with everything. And there are no other people in the world that I would rather have on my team.
And then there's him. We're different now, than we were before. So much pain has passed between us, and I am sure that there is more pain to come. I have come to understand love, and caring, and family, but what I don't understand is why he saved me. He risked his life, to save me, even though I almost killed him, blamed him for everything that had gone wrong. And yet, he still loved me enough to finish what I had started. I have been told that this is true love, and yet, since I have never experienced it before, I cannot tell you what it feels like. To save someone who would die for you, despite everything that has ever happened between you. I can see the pain in his eyes sometimes, when he looks at me. I know that he's not sure either; sure if he loves me, sure if it's worth the pain. If you were to ask me, I would say that I'm not worth the pain, that I deserved everything I had coming to me.
Our relationship is nothing but a collage of missed chances. Places where we should have said what we wanted to say, but didn't. I look back on those times with regret, because we could have been great together, but now…
I'm afraid that I won't ever feel love. Have someone look at me with that look on their face that shows nothing but love and adoration. I'm afraid that I will never experience having a proper family. However, if I miraculously get that chance, to have a family, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that my child is not raised the way I was. My child will be loved, protected, and safe.
Mostly, I'm afraid that we missed our chance, and that we'll never get it back.