He held me close by the fringe of the forest. His body hotter than ever before, I could feel the heat all the way to my soul. What I was about to do I would undoubtedly regret. I couldn't fathom it; I promised him forever, and now here I was, about to put every 'I love you' and 'forever' on the line.
"Jacob," I said, my voice was a mere whisper, "can you give me a minute, please?"
I hadn't told him what I was going to do, and for good reason. Edward gazed down at me through a layer of beautifully thick black lashes, love beaming out of his eyes. It was boring a hole in my face. Jacob stalked off into the woods, lost in the darkness.
God, Edward was beautiful. He stood lazily before me, the moon lighting the features of his perfectly sculpted face. I stepped closer to him, and automatically he embraced me.
"Isabella," he purred with delight, "We should go, it's getting late. Charlie will be worried."
I squirmed out of his grasp and backed away; he knew something was wrong. I looked up at his face and thought about the words that would slowly, but surely, destroy everything. A silent tear slid down my cheek, and then another.
"Oh Bella!" He shouted, his tone piercing the silence. "What's wrong?!"
What's wrong? Well I'm about to take everything away, that's what.
I stared at the ground, and took a long, sharp breath in and then as I let it out, I burst. He was at my side in a nanosecond; his light touch sent shivers down my spine, it only made me feel guiltier about my cupped my chin in his hand, so I had to look at him.
"Isabella Marie Swan, you tell me what's wrong this instant, and I shall make it better." His words were laced with a sharp edge of fear.
Oh sorry you can't make it better, that's the problem
I internally hissed at my inner self, she wasn't helping the situation. Actually, nothing would.
"Edward, I…" my voice trailed off, how do I say this?
His hand on my arm tightened, and I felt a pang of fear in the pit of my stomach. Will he be mad?
"Damn it Isabella, just tell me!" He placed a hand on each of my forearms and shook me slightly, I knew I was driving him crazy, but I just couldn't make the words come out.
"I-i…this is going to be hard," I couldn't look at him; I closed my eyes and prayed for the earth to open up and drag me under, to save me from this.
He didn't say a word, not sure if it was out of recognition of what I was about to say, or just shear patience.
"Remember, when you…." I went to the dark place in my mind "left me?" I forced the words out.
I could almost hear his silent heart shatter. I immediately wished I could take back the words. He didn't say anything, so I continued.
"Well, you were gone, and he……he was here." I didn't dare look at him.
He let go of my arms, and I shivered. I wondered if he understood.
For what felt like an eternity it was silent. I let the wind dry the tears flowing down my cheeks. Finally, he spoke.
"I told you I'd never forgive myself for that Isabella." His jaw clenched together tight, no doubt because of his impeccable power to remember things in detail.
"He picked up the pieces, and it had an effect on me. A greater one then I apparently realized before."
I peeked up at his face, not sure what to expect. It was a cocktail of anger, disbelief, and mock horror.
"I can't do this. I told you I was sorry. What else can I do Isabella? Shall I get down on one knee and beg for forgiveness? I'm not superman."
I laughed an ironic chuckle. Once, maybe 6 hours ago, that's exactly what I thought him as. I let my mind replay him in action, ripping into Victoria with such force, tearing her head right off her body.
"Edward, when he kissed me, I saw…our future."
I could see that the last word caught his attention.
"Oh, so you're Alice now?" He wasn't trying to be funny.
"I saw him, and me, our kids, our life. It all looked so…" I racked my brain for the right word,
"Perfect, great, excellent, delightful? Pick a damn adjective Isabella," I couldn't make my lips move.
When I didn't respond he got louder.
"Well, go ahead. How about peachy, flawless, adept…"
I placed my hand on his arm; I didn't want him to freak out.
"Don't," he chided, moving out of my touch "just do what you came here to do and be done with it. I'm not a child."
Well you sure are acting like one
"You know I love you, but I just… he's uncomplicated, carefree…"
All the things Edward is, Bella
"Shhh!" I said out loud, trying to quiet the voice in my head. Edward looked at me like I was crazy. He might just be right about that.
"The choice is yours, Bella. You know that. And I knew this was a possibility, and so did he," Edward signaled his jaw into the direction of the woods. There, crouching behind a tree was Jacob.
Hiding from a mind reader? Bella, maybe he isn't as bright as you think….
I once more scowled at myself for thinking such thought. I knew who I wanted, and I was ready. Everything seemed to be going by agonizingly slow. Had time stopped? I wasn't entirely sure.
"Edward, you are everything I want and more, you always will be. But, he had an effect on me, and I cannot erase it."
Edward quizzically looked into my eyes, I felt like he could see into my mind, and I know that's what he was desperately wishing he could do.
"But, what about our future?"
I blinked back the new wave of tears I could feel pushing through.
Yes, Bella. A future that involves and insanely gorgeous man who loves you more than anything.
"The wedding, our plans, it means nothing?"
Jeeze, what was I supposed to say to that?
"Well, I've always wanted kids," my voice sounded small, distant. I have never wanted kids, but I didn't know what to say.
He laughed, it was dark.
"So you're leaving me because you want kids? We could adopt Bella!" He started to walk in a straight line, pacing.
He wasn't making this any better. I needed to be done with this, rip it off like a band-aid.
"I love you, but, I just don't think I can do this. You left me, and he was there," I placed my hand on this stone chin "goodbye, Edward." The words slid out of my dry mouth, feeling like they weighed 100 pounds.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight; I could feel the burning of unshed tears. I leaned up on my tippy toes and placed a small chaste kiss on his icy cheek.
He didn't say a word as I backed away. I assessed the man I just broke in a million pieces. His head was hung low, his fingers twined through his copper hair, he looked like he was pulling it from the roots. I wasn't sure if he was going to say anything more. I turned my back, and made my way into the forest.
I heard a low whimper, and what sounded like a grim goodbye.
Oh, it was too much to handle. I just did something that I didn't believe was possible. Suddenly my tears could not be held in and they burst over the edge, spiraling me to the hard, soggy ground. I never wanted to open my eyes.
I felt a warm set of arms pick me up and cradle me, and somewhere, deep inside, I wished it wasn't Jacob.
"Bella," he crooned, his joy only made me cry harder "did you just do what I think you did?"
Completely crush the soul of the man I loved most in this world? Why yes, I did.
I couldn't find the words to speak, I was bathed in confusion.
Jacob started to walk away, quickly I opened my eyes, looking in Edward's direction, he wasn't there.
"Bella, you did that all for me?"
Actually, I wasn't quite sure who I did that for. But then I looked up at Jacob. His dark, choppy hair gleaming, bleached white in the moonlight, his skin silky and warm, and suddenly I remembered by I did it.
"Yes Jacob," I said, snuggling my head into his arm, "all for you."
Before I could say anything else, his lips were at mine, probing down with a desperate need.
This was one of three kisses I have ever receive from Jacob Black, but it meant so much more than any I had ever had before. I placed my hands on either side of his strong face, pulling him closer to me. His warm body clung to me tighter, my head swam.
"Mmm, Bells," he moaned, my inner self pouted from ear to ear, she didn't like Jacob very much. But I did.
The kiss seemed to go on forever, and here, in his arms, I completely forgot what I had just done. Jacob chuckled slightly and then released his lips from mine, looking down his nose like a shy boy.
"Woah," we both said in unison. We looked up at each other and giggled like little kids who did something naughty. It was silent for a long time, just staring into each other's eyes.
"I think you should get me home now," I said, color flaming in my cheeks. I didn't want to go home, actually that was the exact opposite of what I wanted, and I wondered if he felt the same.
"I don't think Charlie minded if you were out a bit later, Bella," he touched my bottom lips with his thumb, like someone else used to…
"If you want to come back to my house, I'm sure Charlie would be ecstatic."
Oh, that's right. Charlie didn't like err, him, so much after last September. He had been praying for me to end up with Jake, no doubt about it. What did I want to do? If I went home I would most definitely think about tonight, and all of its consequences.
"Okay," I said shyly "let's go back to your place."
To do what Miss I'm-the-only-virgin-in-High-School-Swan?
I could feel my cheeks get hot with color, and Jacob smiled. Was he thinking about the same thing as me?
"Bella," he said after a moment, pulling me out of my embarrassing revere "so this is all real? You chose me over the bloodsucker?"
Oh yes, thank you for reminding me of that.
"Uhm, err, yeah," I hoped he couldn't feel the reluctance in my voice.
"I don't understand. Why the sudden change?" He looked so happy.
"Jacob, you know why." I didn't want to go into it in further detail for fear the tears might return.
"My kiss was that good." He didn't ask it as a question, he seemed to be beaming.
"I saw a future that I couldn't have with…..Edward," I forced his name out "it looked…well it looked like everything I wanted."
I saw Jacob blush under his deep russet skin; it was something I didn't see very often.
He placed a swift kiss into my hair, and his arms dropped me. I hadn't realized we were here. He held my hand and pulled me into his small, red house. It was warm, almost too hot. A small fire glowed in the stone fireplace, it was very romantic.
"Where's Billy?" I asked, hoping he couldn't see the double meaning to my words.
"He's at your house, I guess the Mariners are playing late."
"Oh," was all I manage to get out.
He led me into the small hallway, and pushed open the door to his bedroom, but he didn't go in. Everything got really quiet, and sort of awkward.
"So…." He looked at my face, trying to find hints if I was thinking the same as him, "what, err, do you want to do?"
Find Edward and beg him to take me back
I ignored my head, not wanting to decide if she was right or not.
Soft moonlight trailed in through the windows, I could see it on his face.
"Isabella, you look so beautiful in the moonlight," his compliment made me blush all over.
I didn't want to over think this moment, I knew it would be too embarrassing to review. How do I be sexy? Is it even possible?
Klutzy Bella trying to be sexy? Yeah right.
I was really hating my inner self tonight.
I put each of my hands on his shoulders and pushed him into his room, we collided onto his small bed. I saw his face light up like a kid with a $1000 in a toy shop. Holy Crow! Was I really trying to do this?
"When is Billy going to be home?" I asked, pulling off his shirt.
"Not for a while baby," he whispered into my ear.
How old was Jacob? 16? I hoped what I was doing wasn't illegal. I don't think rapist exactly goes with my name. I undid the top button of his jeans.
"Is…this what you really want?"
I don't know Isabella, is it?
Instead of answering, I jammed my lips against his. His kiss was unguarded, something I wasn't used too. Suddenly it hit me. I had all the power. With Jacob, there were no limits, no rules, and no worry of him killing me.
Do you really think Edward would have killed you?!
Jacob put his hands up my back, under my shirt, and unhooked my bra. His touch was unlike anything I had felt; it was so warm. Slowly he started to unbutton my shirt, my gray camisole now the only barrier between his hot skin and mine. He pulled me into him so that my face was resting against his muscular chest, it was so warm.
"Jacob," I moaned, the heat felt good.
I was very careful not to think of Edward, I didn't know how I would react. Jacob lifted my camisole off, and inhaled. I self consciously blushed, I had never taken my shirt off in front of someone, not even…
You know you want to say his name.
I really wanted to smack my head.
He was so young, I wasn't sure if he knew what to do. Cautiously he reached up and placed a hand on my breast, cupping it. His touch made every nerve ending in my body come alive, but it didn't feel, right. It was nothing like his icy touch. Jacob looked at me, not knowing what the next move was.
Jeeze, Bella. He's looking at you like he has brain damage. Doesn't he know what to do?
Nothing seemed to happen, so I put my mouth back on his, he squeezed tighter.
"Ow!" I protested. He automatically moved his hand away.
"Sorry," he said, looking away.
What the hell am I doing? He's only 16!
"I want you Bella, all of you."
His words made me slightly queasy. Yeah, I don't think I want to do this anymore. Buthis eyes were full of longing, passion. He really did want this.
"I…love you Bella."
Woah! This is soon.
I just stared at him, not sure what I was supposed to say. Did I love him? I sure thought so 20 minutes ago while I was breaking Edward's heart.
Oh no, Edward.
I didn't want to think about Edward anymore. I looked into Jacob's waiting, patient eyes. I could see our future once again, reflected in his big brown eyes. He really did love me. I reached down and put his hand back on my breast.
"I want you here, now." I demanded.
And slowly the night unfolded.