Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Neither do I make any profit out of this fanfiction. This has been written for entertainment purposes only.
And if you don't believe the above, reading this fic should clear all confusion.
Summary: Fugaku Uchiha wants grandchildren. So, what is the big problem? Ask Itachi. Non massacre. Almost CRACK. Ita-Saku.
A/N: Almost all characters are OOC. Itachi especially. It's just an experiment for a different kind of Itachi.
Thoughts or quotes are in (italics).
Fugaku Uchiha was a very happy man.
He had the best wife in the world, AND the best sons in the world. One of them was almost a legend in shinobi circles and the other was a legend in the Uchiha social circle, after all, he was going to get the legendary Yondaime's son into his clan as the Daughte… er Son in law. He has just found his REAL Daughter in law, and in a few months, she will be giving him his grandchildren.
Now the only thing left was to let his son know that he was getting married.
But before that, he had to do the final confirmatory test, with the finest sake.
Fugaku knew this was fast turning out to be his best plan till now (even if he said so himself). Tsunade even called him an angel. (Like any male, he felt very smug about getting a compliment from Tsunade, at least until she told him that she could even see the wings.) Now he just had to, with his brilliant tact, steer the conversation to the direction of his choice.
("Doesn't Jiraiya sama make passes at people who are actually young, like your apprentice?")
To Fugaku's great fortune, alcohol destroys brain cells, and consequently the ability to comprehend indirect insults.
So after four hours of a listening to a happy Tsunade talk about the time when Sakura ran after a peeping Jiraiya only to realize halfway across Konoha that she forgot to put her towel on, and kept threatening all the snickering passersby that it was the latest fashion, to the time when she blurted out that the round marks on the important medical scrolls were sake bottle stains when Tsunade had been trying to pass them as super secret seals of the head of medical corps, to the time when Sakura decided that it would be very funny to tell a Hyuuga Neji recovering from appendicectomy that his sex change operation went very well … Fugaku had reached a conclusion.
The girl was rude, powerful, acted before thinking and had a questionable sense of humor. In other words, she was a born Uchiha. Now the only thing left was to make it official.
("I see, they are continuing their traditions. 'Strong and Brainless' seems to be their motto." Hiashi Hyuuga, after knowing about Fugaku's future daughter and son in law.)
He had barely been able to suppress his urge to tap dance all the way back to the compound. And he was trying to hide his snickering so hard that the combination of both made him look like he was desperately trying to find a loo.
("Are you up to no good, again, Fugaku?"
"Dang! How does she know it every time?")
The whole news was taken very well by everyone. He had taken Itachi and Mikoto out to the ramen shop he knew Sakura would be visiting. Though both of them had not been very happy about sneaking around the Ichiraku Ramen Bar ("Hiding behind trash cans in broad daylight is not surveillance, Fugaku."), he must say they were pleasantly surprised by his brilliant choice. Itachi had promptly turned red after hearing wife and Itachi in the same sentence, and was seen inching towards his mother, when he seemed to have realized that he had outgrown his mother by about a foot some 8 years ago.
("Sh… she looks like hanami dango!" first words blurted by Itachi after beholding Sakura.)
Now, Fugaku was a very smart happy man. He knew what happened with the last arranged marriage. So, this time, he would make sure that the girl knew what she was getting into, before the engagement. This time, he will send Itachi with the proposal.
First mission Fugaku sent Itachi on was to gather information. As it involved using nin sneaking skills, naturally he excelled at it, and consequently, twenty four hours later Fugaku had so much information on Sakura that he doubted that even Sakura knew half of them. But by the number of people who tried to woo Sakura, one thing was obvious, she would not recognize seduction if Itachi walked in front of her with "I'm trying to seduce you" written on his forehead, so that method was obviously out.
("Ahahahahahahahaha!" Sasuke's response to the news of his brother's seduction plans.")
And since Sasuke and Mikoto were had refused to help, and Shisui was out of question, he and Itachi were on their own. Ah, now, Fugaku knew was the time to make use of all his manly charms (and all the great knowledge passed by Jiraiya sama to the world), to teach his son to woo his future wife.
("Between Fugaku's attempts at wooing Mikoto and Jiraiya's flourishing love life, our clan is doomed." An Elder Uchiha complained to her husband.)
Now, Fugaku knew they could not use the method he used on Mikoto all those years ago due to… um.. certain reasons. So it was time to try out new Ideas.
("Let Itachi do it his own way, after all he will be the one she'll be marrying." Mikoto coaxed her husband.
" Dear, you know he would need help in this sort of thing."
"From you?" Mikoto snorted. "Just like how you charmed me?"
"How exactly did he do it mom? He has been going on for years about how he rescued you from goons back in the Academy, and you visited him in the hospital later to confess your love."
Mikoto eyed Fugaku. "Oh really Fugaku?"
"Er, Sasuke, I just saw the Hyuuga girl hitting on the poor Namikaze in the markets. Looks like he needs rescuing.")
So, after much debates, reference and cross references, both of them had decided on various steps on how to approach Sakura Haruno. Now all depended on Itachi Uchiha.
("Go and ensnare your woman with your wild charms Itachi!" Fugaku, trying to be heard over Shisui's snickering.)
Itachi Uchiha had no idea whether to be happy or not.
His father had arranged a marriage for him (again), at least this time the girl was clothed. And beautiful, and powerful, who could kill him with one punch, and heal with the same hands. Agreed she was not all there in the top floor but he could not say he was very normal himself. Oh, he sounded like some sap in love, in one of the Icha Icha plots. But to make the Icha Icha fantasies a reality, he will have to get her to agree to marry him. ("Would he have to, God forbid, seduce her?") No, no, no no noooo. Why him? Couldn't his father have arranged it through proper channels?
Did he not know what happened on Itachi's last seduction mission?
Er.. no! He did not. Itachi had made sure that nobody did.
Itachi himself, remembered his last (and only) seduction mission too well. He was seventeen, and very very nervous. The mission itself was simple. Go to the shinobi bar, wait for the target, when she comes near knock her off without other shinobi getting suspicious, and the other members of the team, posing as medical fraternity would come and take her away. Why was seduction needed for doing that was beyond Itachi's understanding, but he had a sneaky suspicion that the Yondaime was urged by the head of the Uchiha clan himself, to allow him "to finally know the joys of being a man" ( Fugaku's own words).
("Don't do anything, just let her pounce. She might not if you open your mouth. Surprisingly, that happens with me every time. I wonder why?" Quoted from "the art of seduction for Uchihas and dummies" by Uchiha Shisui.)
The mission had been an immense success.
The other members of the team had been very pleasantly surprised with Itachi's skills, as despite the target having been knocked out in front of a crowd, nobody had been suspicious in the least.
What Itachi had not allowed anyone to know was that the Target had been a bit too forward, and while she had been trying to sit in his lap, he had fainted, in full public view, hitting her on the head. People had been laughing too hard to be suspicious.
("In order to survive we all cling to what we know and understand." Itachi great knowledge on human psychology, " and I don't understand women." explaining why the survival of their clan was in perils.)
But now, he could not fail.
Based on Sakura's crushing history, on her teammate, Fugaku had devised a perfect plan. It was necessary to make good first impressions. So next day, early in the morning, Itachi found himself in clothes stolen from Sasuke's closets. And thus, he set off for the "introduction" with the mantra of "Bond. James Bond." Going on in his head. By the end of the day, Itachi finally reached Sakura after fighting off two stray Akatsuki, four stray dogs, hundreds of snickering civilians, and a very grouchy Sasuke.
("I'm Uchiha. U.. U.. Uchiha Itachi.")
Her reaction was unexpected. Lying face first near Uchiha compound, our budding James Bond decided that this was one more thing Fugaku will never know.
("You should know Naruto, even if you come in henge as Itachi Uchiha, I will not join you two in a threesome." Sakura punched the living daylights out of Itachi.)
Apart from that, Itachi realized that an orange jumpsuit was more trouble than it's worth.
He spent the next week having the credit for his delicious "from your secret admirer" food stolen by the Hyuuga, his list of pick up lines stolen by a random fodder nin (though he later rejoiced about that when he remembered the outcome he faced.), and his underwear stolen by some random fangirl who mistook him for Sasuke (though that in no way was related to his quest).
("I want to wake up with you next to me."
The next thing the poor fodder nin remembered was waking up in a white bed with Sakura next to him, healing his broken jaw.)
By now Itachi knew that desperate times called for desperate measures and "Subtle" was always unnoticeable for Sakura. So he finally decided to do what he had spied two of Sakura's friends doing. The wild looking boy had grabbed the blond girl, pushed her to the wall and kissed her. The girl had turned redder than Itachi and Itachi had been too mortified to try stalking any further.
So if this was how true men behaved, he would do it.
Itachi gathering all the courage, reached Sakura, with a perfect shinobi maneuver trapped her in between the wall and his body, and amazingly, kissed her without fainting. (Uhh.. He didn't know kissing was supposed to be this painful! No wonder he heard screams from his brother's room whenever his boyfriend visited.)But why did the pain radiate to the groin?
("Ouch, my jewels." And "thud." Sounds that Itachi would've heard had he continued spying on Ino and Kiba.)
Thus, when Itachi returned to the compound with a distinct limp, Fugaku finally decided that it was time to swallow his pride and ask for help from his enemy. After all, if the negotiations went well, then he will be his relative. Taking a deep breath, Fugaku went towards the Hokage towers, to Minato Namikaze, to reopen an old argument. But he won't go down that easily. No! Fugaku Uchiha, the head of Uchiha clan would go down fighting.
("Why are my 'Fugaku is doing something stupid again' senses tingling?")
Minato had clearly not been expecting this. He and Fugaku had been on the deadlock on this topic for months. He could even remember the prior conversations.
("Why should it be anything else? Mine's bigger.. er… older." Shouted Fugaku.
"As you should know Fugaku, these things don't matter in the real world." Retorted Minato.
"Are you wilted oldies still fighting over that?" Kushina shouted, overhearing the conversation from the next room.)
But now for the first time, he had the upper hand. He knew being a Casanova genius would come in handy some day. He knew one day he will win and his son will finally be the groom, and not the bride. Fugaku had used all stupid logics of his son being older, so that Sasuke would be the groom, after the priest insisted that he will marry the boys off, but one of them has to take the wows of the Bride.
("Don't forget Sasuke's wedding trousseau." )
("Will you still say that it's just for dramatic angst that I say father loves Itachi more?" Sasuke asked Mikoto, after learning about Fugaku's deal with the Yondaime.)
Next day, Minato Namikaze had Itachi Uchiha with his entire family up at the Hokage house. He looked at the boy. How could someone as talented as him be so dense in other aspects of life? Ah, he knew the answer, when anything is wrong, Blame The Uchiha. It had worked many times for him in the council meetings, but here for once, the blame was right.
("You know the dear girl had a crush on my son. What did you deduce from it?"
"That she has a bad taste in men?" Itachi innocently asked while Sasuke seethed in the background.
"Er… that too, but it mainly shows that she likes powerful Idiots. So don't you see… you are perfect for her. Don't try to be anyone else in front of her. Just be yourself."
Itachi had no idea whether to feel grateful or insulted.)
Next day, Itachi went in search of Sakura and found her near Ichiraku with her team. By now Sasuke had told everyone about the supposed match, and they unanimously agreed that Itachi was the only one perfect for Sakura. ("At least then we won't have to worry about Sakura, it'll be Itachi everyone'll be worried about." Ino said while casting her vote in Itachi's favor.)
After much stuttering, blushing and fainting, Itachi managed to convey to Sakura that he had fallen in love with her at first sight, and that he just did not know how to approach, so after making futile attempts for so long, he was there. And will she give him a chance for knowing her? Sakura was ecstatic beyond belief! Here was such a shy, stuttering prodigy, and he was so perfect, and did he not look cute while blushing, and could he not see that they had already been on a long date since they first met? ("We met, ate, kissed, got hurt, apologized and made up. It is perfect.")
Last heard, Sakura and Itachi were involved and just a few weeks later, Sakura had popped the question.
("The Namikaze didn't do anything. I could've so given him that advice myself." A happily sad Fugaku's musings were cut short by the sudden loud chirping of a thousand birds behind him.
"Are you saying Father that you sold off my dignity for nothing?")
Epilogue-let (since it is too small to be a real epilogue):
(Six months later: few months after both Sasuke's and Itachi's marriage, at a social gathering of Namikaze and Uchiha families.)
Fugaku had noted quite a few things with his keen senses. Namikaze was looking unusually happy. And Sasuke was looking distinctly ill and uneasy. In fact, he was not even looking at Fugaku in the eyes. What had these people done to his precious, beautiful, grouchy baby? He was looking tired, paler and… fatter? Fugaku's eyebrows twitched. Oh, the Namikaze better had a good reply ready.
Turned out the reply was good. Too good.
("Oh, you did not get the good news? Our children are going to be parents?
"Ho…ow?" Fugaku would've dropped the glass in his hands with joy, had his brains not reminded him in time that it was Sasuke and Naruto who were being talked about.
"Heh. Have you ever heard of 'Sexy no Jutsu', Fugaku?")
The glass dropped.
Real Epilogue-let (since Fugaku deserves a 'better' happy ending.)
(Overheard at the Uchiha compound, between the head of the clan and his Daughter in law.)
"Yes father, we are going to be parents."
"No Father, Itachi is NOT carrying the child."
A/N: Thanks to everyone for your time. All comments and suggestion are welcome. I've tried to keep the spelling and grammatical errors to the minimum, but if you find any, please be kind enough to point out in your reviews.
Many thanks to everyone who has commented on this story.