Joe Goes to Hollywood! An American Ninja Crapfic!

Introduction and disclaimer:

Yes, this is a horrible 'movie dialogue' style crapfic based off of the 1985 action film, "American Ninja." It was written way back in possibly August or September of 2002, I think, out of sheer boredom and the fact that the writer had been watching the film on dvd at the time and despite it's epic ridiculousness, it's one of the writer's favorite childhood films. It's 80s low-budget action cheesy and full of ninja fights. What more could you ask for? Other than, ironically, another 4 films. Which do, in fact, exist! Yet the writer of this fic here really hadn't considered writing up crapfics for them as of yet. And the movie really honestly IS entertaining.

The characters from American Ninja are not the writer's, they belong to the creators of the American Ninja films who made 'em, and the director, Sam Firstenberg, who made the movie. And his crew. And writers. G.I. Joe is property of Hasbro. The characters 'Red Mask Ninja' and 'Sakura' belong to the movie, "The Octagon." 'Master Po' is from the television series, "Kung Fu". (The 70s one that starred the young David Carradine, not "Legend Continues.") Mr. Wick belongs to the "Drew Carey Show." That's about it.


Somewhere in the Philippines...

The scene opens up at Fort Sonora, a U.S. army base where soldiers hang out and also store their beer and porn. (Because army guys need their beer and porn, y'know.)

In the front of the building, a bunch of casually dressed soldiers are playing with a hacky sac. As the camera pans over to the left, we take notice of another young army fellow with scruffy, dirty blond hair, who is leaning against a truck. He's quite buff and has that kind of "secretly-tormented-tragic-hero" look to him. A closeup shot of his name tag reads, "Armstrong." He amuses himself by flipping the blade of a pocket knife to and fro, because hacky sacs are too soft and not as dangerous as sharp objects.

Another young, brown haired guy who's been packing suitcases into a nearby car asks the man whose name tag reads, "Armstrong," to come play with them. Mr. Armstrong looks on, uninterested. He's obviously too cool for that. Shrugging off the seemingly anti-social Mr. Armstrong, the brown haired guy goes back to the hacky sac group and starts trying to do tricks with it in a futile attempt to look cool. He loses control of it, sending it flying toward the truck Mr. Armstrong is standing at. It bounces off really close to Mr. Armstrong's head, but he doesn't even blink.

Guy: "Hey dude, a little help?"

Says "Charlie" the brown haired guy. (Because his name isn't revealed for a long period of time and the writer simply doesn't want to keep referring to him as 'the brown haired guy.')

Mr. Armstrong just stands there twirling his knife. Charlie taps his foot on the ground, looking annoyed.

Charlie: "Hey, man...Will you like, get that? Ya can go back to swingin' that knife right after, kay?"

Mr. Armstrong simply looks at him in a 'go get it yourself' kind of way. Charlie looks even more like he's going to throw a hissy fit and another G.I. leans over.

G.I: "Hey, Who's that dude?"

Charlie: "Hmph! He's just the mysterious and unsociable new guy who got in yesterday. Dunno whats up his shute."

Poor Charlie is forced to walk four whole feet to get the hacky sac.

Just then a fat, balding, guy with a mustache comes out of the building. His name tag says "Sgt. Rinaldo". Suddenly some dramatic evil music plays for some foreshadowy reason.

Rinaldo: "Okay ladies, play time's over! Get in your trucks and let's get these shipments of beer and porn to those other needy soldiers out there!"

The soldiers cheer and run off to their trucks.

The man in charge of the army base then comes out of the previously mentioned building with a young woman who is his daughter. They hug briefly and then the Colonel's daughter scampers off to the waiting car with Charlie. Rinaldo turns to him.

Colonel Hicks: " There she goes, on her first trip with a bunch of rowdy, drunken, lascivious army men."

He wipes his eye.

Colonel Hicks: "My little girl's grown up so fast!"

Rinaldo nods his head as the two walk down the stairs.

Colonel Hicks: "Take good care of my daughter, Rinaldo. She's the only one I'll ever have, thanks to my soul-stealing ex-wife leaving me for that damned Sergent Slaughter. I still don't see what she saw in him. Damn women and their attraction to professional wrestlers. It's fake, damn it! Fake!"

Hicks shakes his fist in the air dramatically.

Rinaldo: "Don't worry, Sir. I wouldn't allow anything bad to happen to your precious daughter. Not even a staged attack by a band of mercenary guerrillas disguised as road workers who secretly are after the supply of super-advanced weapons we've got secretly stored in the backs of these trucks and are secretly being sold to an evil multimillionaire guy who's employed an evil horde of ninja to kill anyone who tries to thwart his attempts to sell those super-advanced weapons to other bad guys and make even more money!"

Rinaldo takes a really long gasping breath. Hicks turns to look at him.

Hicks: "...What?"

Rinaldo: " Nothing!"

Rinaldo turns to the rest of the men boarding trucks.

Rinaldo: All right, let's move out!"

He quickly gets into the car with the Colonel's daughter. The army trucks drive off down a secluded road in the jungle. Giant names written in yellow text begin to appear in the sky.

Oh wait, that's the movie credits. Those can be left out.

The convoy of army trucks continue down the dirt path. Numerous road workers are putting up barricades along the road and some with shovels are pretending to shovel dirt. A guy waves a big flag that has "STOP" in big red letters written on it. Another guy drives a bulldozer across the roadway, suddenly blocking it for some reason.

Random Audience Member: "Suspicious..."

Writer: " No jumping to conclusions!"

The trucks are being forced to stop. In the lead car with Rinaldo and the Colonel's daughter, Charlie puts his foot on the brake.

Charlie: " Like, what the heck is this? They're finally fixing that damn pothole now? Shuh! We needed this about three months ago!"

In a truck of his own, our emo-ish Mr. Armstrong has stopped his truck as well. He sits calmly, blasting some heavy death metal sounding rock music from his radio. Just then he also notices another bulldozer that has pulled across the road behind them, blocking the exit path. Suddenly, a bunch of heavily armed mercenary guerrillas pop out of the shrubs. The road worker guy who was standing by Charlie's car whips out a very large gun and points it at the group inside.

Guy: " All right, outta the car!"

Charlie: "...Wow, where'd you pull that out from?"

Guy: " I got those Dockers with the big pockets."

Charlie: "...Nice pants!"

Guy: " Hey, thanks! Now get outta the car, scum!"

He jabs Charlie with the gun.

Charlie: "Ow!"

The other men make Rinaldo get out of the car too. Rinaldo puts his hands up in surrender.

Rinaldo: "Now everybody just stay calm! If we ignore them maybe they'll just go away."

The guerrillas run to the trucks, pulling out all the other army men and holding them at gunpoint. One of the guerrillas goes to Mr. Armstrong's truck and pulls him out as well. The guy pushes poor Mr. Armstrong down the road with the rest of the captive army men. Then just as he's about to give Mr. Armstrong a crack across the skull with his gun for no reason other than he's feeling incredibly mean, Mr. Armstrong quickly ducks and the guerrilla falls on his face. He gets back up soon after, looking quite pissed.

Guerrilla: " Hey, you bastard! You're not supposed to do that! Now I'm all dirty!"

He starts to cry.

Meanwhile the other guerrillas are ordering the army men to take off their shirts.

Audience: " HUH?"

Guerrilla: " Their shirts are made out of cotton and they're clean! Ours are all scratchy and dirty! What, we can't have nice things?"

Back in the Charlie's car, the Colonel's daughter is yelling at him to drive off.

Patricia: "C'mon Charlie, if you floor it we can probably get away!"

Charlie: "Uh..I dunno...I don't drive good under pressure!"

Just then one of the guerrillas yanks Charlie out of the car and then busts his head through the car window.

Charlie: "OW! Now that...wasn't...very nice!"

Charlie falls to the ground with a concussion.

The Colonel's daughter gets out of the car.

Patricia: "Hey, you big fat jerk! You can't do that to him, he's got a thin skull!"

She attempts to hit the guy but he catches her hand and then gives her a nasty bitch-slap to the face. Afterward he shoves her back into the car. The Mr. Armstrong, who apparently has strong feelings about abuse towards women, suddenly rushes over and starts beating the snot out of several guerrillas in his path. The Colonel's daughter, Patricia, jumps into the driver's seat and floors it. An armed guerrilla begins shooting at the car.

Rinaldo: (with his hands on his head) "No! Please, think of the children! I mean...don't fire at her, numnuts! Hicks'll have my ass on a platter!"

Blinded with a disturbing visual image thanks to Rinaldo, the guy can't focus and keeps filling the car with lead. One of the tires gets blown and the car goes out of control, flipping over "Worlds Wildest Police Videos" style. It comes to rest in a ditch.

Armstrong resumes kicking the ass of armed guerrilla standing in his way. Some of the other army men begin to get jealous.

Army guy: "Hey...I wanna fight too!"

The other army guys then start beating up guerrillas.

An angry guerrilla starts shooting at the karate-fighting Armstrong. Armstrong does a roll and the shots miss him and hit a box on the side of a truck. The box falls open revealing some large metal tire irons and a screwdriver.

Armstrong: "Hmmm! These look like they could hurt someone...also, my first speaking part! Yay."

He then picks up the screwdriver and hurls it at the guerrilla, hitting him in the neck.

Guerrilla: "ARG! That's not how you're supposed to use these things!"

He falls to the ground.

Armstrong then grabs a pole and chucks it at another guerrilla. It hits him in the leg and he drops his gun. Armstrong throws a tire iron smack into the face of one last guerrilla . The guy falls down, missing several teeth.

In the midst of the fighting the camera pans up to reveal an evil looking ninja with a black star tattoo on his cheek watching the carnage from the jungle above.

Patricia pulls herself out from the wreckage of Charlie's car.

Patricia: "Oops. Hope he has insurance. Oh, what am I saying, it's the stupid car's fault, not mine!"

She kicks the car.

Patricia: " Stupid car!"

Suddenly a pineapple is thrown and almost hits her. She screams and runs off.

Back in the fight, Armstrong helps one of the army guys escape in a truck and head back to Fort Sonora to call 911. Or something like that. One of the guerrillas jumps into an army truck and tries to drive off with it. Armstrong jumps onto the back of the truck. He then grabs a chain and climbs up onto the roof of the truck.

Armstrong: (to camera) "Don't try this at home, kids."

He uses the chain to smash the truck's windshield and lock up the steering wheel. The truck goes out of control. Armstrong jumps off at the last minute. The truck flips over and then explodes, as vehicles in action films tend to do, regardless of them carrying flammables or not.

The camera moves to a close up shot on the ninja with the black star on his face. He waves his arms dramatically and several other ninja slide down the nearby palm trees from which they had been hiding in.

The Black Star ninja crosses his arms in front of him while he gives the now lined-up ninjas commands.

Black Star: "Ready!"

The ninja all grab their swords.

Black Star: "Start killing!"

He waves his hands again.

The ninja all do somersaults onto a truck. One of the surviving army guys turns around holding his gun.

Army Guy: "Holy crap! Did somebody forget to pay the cable bill again?"

He starts firing at one of the ninja but the ninja jumps up out of the range of fire. The army guy is shot with an arrow by another ninja hiding up in a tree. He gets impaled with a sword by the ninja he shot at.

Army Guy: (Dying)" Ugh!...Tell Tiffany...I'm breaking up with her!"

Another army guy with a gun picks off the ninja in the tree. The ninja falls several feet and lands in some branches on the ground.

Ninja: (standing back up) "I'm okay! The conveniently placed and not very well camouflaged stunt net broke my fall!"

Another ninja nearby: "Nobody's supposed to know that!"

Some other ninja promptly nab the army guy with a chain and start choking the heck out of him. Another ninja somersaults down and yet another fellow ninja tosses him a pole. The pole has a knife tip in it and the ninja stabs another gun-wielding army guy with it.

The Black Star ninja is happily watching his men kick the living snot out of the poor army guys. Just then he sees the Colonel's daughter making a run for it into the dense jungle. A guerrilla guy chases her. She tries to make him stop by throwing some long grass at him. Yes, grass.

Patricia: " Leave me alone, you jerk!"

She throws more grass at him.

Patricia: "DIE!"

Guerrilla in pursuit: "Uh, lady...it's just grass!"

The camera pans back to the scene of the road where all the army guys are now dead and lying in pools of blood. The ninja are all in a straight orderly line, awaiting their leader.

The camera switches to another close up of Black Star. He somersaults onto the truck with a couple of bow-wielding ninja. The guerrilla who had been chasing Patrica now has her by the arm and is dragging her back to the road. His pants are full of grass stains.

Suddenly Armstrong jumps out from behind a bulldozer and tries to jump the guy, but the man sees him and fires his gun. Patricia seizes the opportunity and kicks him in the jewels. He drops it. Armstrong comes back to fight and the guerrilla picks up a shovel and tries to wack him over the head with it. However, the shovel gets broken during the scrap and Armstrong then punches the guy. The guy falls onto a pick axe sticking out of the ground and...well. Dies, painfully.

Black Star orders his bowmen to kill the pesky but combat savvy G.I. They shoot arrows at him but with amazing shovel-manipulating skills, he manages to block all 3 of them and save the Colonel's daughter from taking one to the face. Black Star stares at Armstrong with contempt. Armstrong holds up an arrow and breaks it.

Armstrong: "..."

Ninja: "He broke it with his bare hands!"

All the other ninja give him a look.

Ninja: "...What?"

Black Star: (pointing at Armstrong) "Screw that. Kill this punk!"

He taps his watch.

Black Star: "And hurry up! It's almost time for lunch."

His band of waiting ninja take off after the G.I. and the Colonel's daughter who have run off into the jungle. Rinaldo is standing there by a truck, still being held captive. He tries to move forward but a ninja puts one of those nasty knife-on-a-poles to his throat.

Rinaldo: "Ack! Wait, I give up! Take anything you want, my tv, my stereo, my wife!"

Black Star jumps down off the truck and waves his men off. He walks up to Rinaldo.

Black Star: " Who is that guy?"

Rinaldo: " I dunno...he's some new recruit! I don't even know his name, honest!"

Black Star looks toward the jungle.

Black Star:"Hmmm. He's pretty good..."

He looks back at Rinaldo. Rinaldo looks at him back.

Rinaldo: "Hey, weren't you in "The Octagon"?"

Black Star: (folding his arms) "Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't."

Rinaldo:"...Were you?"

Black Star: "Yeah."

He points to another ninja with a red mask and cowl standing behind him.

Black Star: "And so was he."

Red Masked Ninja: (hands curled up making them look like claws) "HISSSSSSSSSS!"

Black Star: "But don't tell anybody. That movie stunk!"

Meanwhile, deep in the deepest parts of the jungle...

Armstrong is leading Patricia by the hand and the both of them are running through the trees and shrubs together.

Patricia: (brushing bushes out of her face) " Hey! Quit yanking me around like that! What is this, abuse the sweet and beautiful yet naive girl who's probably going to be the romantic interest of the main hero day? EEW...I just stepped in something icky!"

Armstrong , who's pretty tired of her complaining anyhow, suddenly puts a hand over her mouth and hides with her in a bunch of ferns. The gang of ninja are now combing the jungle looking for them, but luckily they go right past the two without even noticing that they're BEHIND THE FERNS RIGHT THERE.

Armstrong: (angrily puts fingers to lips)"Sssshhhh!"

The pursuing ninja run past them, off into deeper parts of the jungle. The G.I. and the Colonel's daughter get up and immediately once again, she starts complaining.

Patricia: "This really sucks! I can't run very well in these heels, y'know."

Armstrong grabs her shoes and throws them away.

Armstrong: " There. All better."

Patricia looks angrily at him with her mouth hanging open like she can't believe he'd just done that.

Patricia: "Those were brand new shoes, you insensitive clod! They cost 200 bucks, I might add!"

Armstrong then whips out his trusty knife and quickly slices her dress up, then ties around her legs into a makeshift pair of shorts.

Armstrong:"There. Now you're fit to run through the jungle."

Patricia: " You insensitive bastard!"

Armstrong grabs her and they run further into the jungle until they come to the edge of a river. Or a lake. Can't really tell. Patricia stops and pulls back.

Patricia: "Oh no! I'm not going into water that's not certified bacteria free!"

Armstrong turns to her.

Armstrong: "Look, do you wanna get killed by ninjas?"

Patricia: "Of course not, you dope! I-"

He throws her in the water and then jumps in after her.

The ninja soon pop up and scan the water for signs of the escapees, but no traces can be found.

Ninja 1: (looking around) "Where'd they go?"

Ninja 2: (looking into the river) "Probably went into the water."

Ninja 1: "...Should we jump in and look?"

Ninja 2: (putting his hands on his hips)" Naw. Why go through all that trouble. We'll run into them later on in the film."

Ninja 1: "You sure?"

Ninja 2: "Yup. I peeked at the script."

Ninja 3: "Hey...Isn't Rocky and Bullwinkle on?"

The ninja turn and run back into the jungle.

Elsewhere across the river, Armstrong and Patricia trudge up on shore. And Patricia is still complaining.

Patricia: "This super-sucks now! I'm soaking wet and all that 'Vidal Sasoon Extra Hold' I put in my hair has washed out!"

Armstrong: "Hour 3 begins..."

Patricia:" Hey, I have a right to complain! You ruined my outfit and broke my shoes and...Wow, you're shirt's all clingy."

She ogled the dripping wet G.I. a bit.

Patricia: (to herself with a shrug) "Eh. So it's not all bad."

A few moments later the female ratio of the audience is treated with a shot off the beefy G.I. in his tightie whities while he wrings out his wet clothes.

Female Audience: (whistling and cheering) "WOOOOOH BABY!"

Then the male portion of the audience is treated to a suggestive shot of Patricia behind a bush while she wrings out her clothes. Um, after apparently taking them all off!

Male Audience: (whistling and cheering even louder) "WOOOOOOH BABY!"

Patricia: (hiding further behind the bush after all the commotion) " Um...So, anyway. You did save my life. But I don't even know your name!"

Armstrong: "Joe."

Patricia: "Joe? Ha, You mean like, 'A Real American Hero'?"

Joe: " Don't start."

Back at Fort Sonora:

The dead army guys are in body bags piled up everywhere. There's also a bunch of 'TRUTH' people lining up orange body bags to remind us how many people are killed each year from smoking. Colonel Hicks is talking with some skinny guy and Rinaldo.

Hicks: "Damn! An entire group lost. Those poor men gave their lives defending that beer and is the 3rd time this week! I'm not gonna forget this!"

Rinaldo: "But you forgot the other 2 times."

Hicks: "Well, this time I won't forget this time!"

Rinaldo folded his arms.

Rinaldo: " Well, Sir, nobody woulda got killed if that new guy hadn't been showin' off. Guess he took the "Army of One" motto too seriously."

Hicks: " Grrr...I'm gonna get that guy!

Hicks turns and yells somewhere off camera.

Hicks: "Jackson!"

A tall, buff, mustached, African American fellow rushes over.

Jackson: "Yes, Sir!"

He gives a salute.

Hicks: "Did you find out any clues to who was behind this?"

Jackson: (pulls out movie script) "Well, Sir, according to this, it was done by ninja."

Hicks: "Ninja?"

Jackson: (nodding) " Yes, Sir."

Hicks: (looking surprised) "Really? Ninja?"

Jackson: " Yes, Sir."

Hicks: " Wow? Ninja? Those little guys in the black pajamas with all the kung-fu and stuff?"

Jackson: (nodding once again) "Yes, Sir."

Hicks: "Wow...That's a bit out of the ordinary."

Jackson: " Yes, Sir." (turns to the camera) "And yet you'd think they'd be run of the mill cliched by now, seeing as how every four out of five films of the 80's features them in some way. Thanks, Hollywood."

Several ninja appear in frame suddenly giving a thumbs up.

All Ninja: "THANKS HOLLYWOOD!"

They vanish just as quickly.

Jackson: "Damn ninja. Wish there was a craze for buff, mustached African American men that wasn't all buddy-cop comedy side kicks or token angry black police chief roles." (trails off mumbling angrily to himself)

Suddenly a man in a stereotypical cartoonish depiction of a director's outfit runs up to Jackson and snatches the script.

Sam: "So that's where it went! I've been looking for this for 15 minutes!"

Meanwhile, at a extremely large, posh looking mansion:

The camera pans across a rooftop patio area. The Black Star ninja is standing around playing with a Gameboy. He's without his mask on so his face can clearly be seen. He looks like Sakura from "The Octagon", for obvious reasons.

The story's antagonist, Senor Ortega, now walks out on camera. However, instead of the original depiction of Ortega from the movie, this Ortega is played by a charming English fellow known locally as Mr. Wick.

Ortega: (turns to camera) "That's Ortega. Nigel Ortega. I've got a mansion! And all the Scotch I can handle!"

He laughs like a school girl, holding a glass of Shnops in his hand.

(Okay, so he's not all that charming. But he's funnier than the original.)

Ortega paces in front of Black Star. There is an old Asian man gardening in the background, but for now the camera focuses on Black Star because he's the coolest one here.

Ortega: " Well, we only got in 3 trucks full of beer and porn! Oh, and one truck full of super weapons. And it's all because of some little man who managed to beat the tar out of my mercenaries and then escape from you into the jungle, with that Colonel's daughter? Who was that guy anyway?"

Black Star: (concentrating on his game) "He was an American ninja. He came with those army idiots. Nobody knew his name. C'mon, I really need Sword Kirby."

After a moment Black Star shuts off the game and looks up.

Ortega: " Well, if he's going to interfere with my plans then I want him eliminated!"

He runs a finger across his neck in that cut-his-throat way for emphasis.

Black Star smiles evilly because he knows that sign means more bloody action for him. He then nods and walks away.

At the Colonel's house:

Joe and Patricia ride up in an ice cream truck. Patricia gets out and Joe sees her to the door like a gentleman.

Patricia:" Thanks for saving me. I really appreciate it."

She bats her eyelashes at him. Joe looks at his feet, bashful-like.

Joe: "No big."

Patricia: " Thought you were gonna say, "Twern't nuthin'!"

She runs her fingers through her hair.

Patricia: "By the way, my name's Patricia. Look me up if you're ever in need of somebody to run through a jungle with!"

Patricia gives him a kiss on the cheek. Joe looks pleased.

Patricia: "Thanks again! Hey, if you're ever in the neighborhood, feel free to stop by!"

She then runs to the front door and pounds on it.

Patricia: "Hey! Lemme in, I gotta go to the bathroom!"

The scene switches to Colonel Hick's office, where Joe is being interrogated about the previous situation. Rinaldo stands ominously in the background secretly laughing while Joe gets chewed out.

Hicks: "Do you know how much trouble you caused, soldier?"

Joe: " No, Sir."

Hicks: "Your ass is in a heap a trouble, boy! A whole buncha my men just went the way of the dinosaurs because of your meddling!"

Joe: "I'm sorry, Sir."

Hicks: " Hmph. Sorry doesn't cut it this time. You're gonna be court-marshaled. And we're gonna investigate this further!"

Joe gives him sad puppy-dog eyes. Hicks frowns.

Hicks: " Aaw, cut that out! Everybody knows I'm a sucker for that!

Hicks looks away.

Hicks: "Bah! Fine! I'll just put you on kitchen duty! Now get outta my sight. It's time for my afternoon beer break."

He waves Joe away.

Joe salutes and then walks out of the office. Rinaldo moves over to the Colonel holding a clipboard with papers on it.

Hicks: "Did you get his records looked up, Rinaldo?"

Rinaldo: " Yes, Sir! I have them right here."

He holds up papers and starts reading.

Rinaldo: "Family members...unknown. Friends...unknown. Shoe size...9 and 1/2...Favorite food-"

Hicks snatches the clipboard from Rinaldo and reads it himself.

Hicks: "Hmmm...According to this, he was found in the jungle as a kid after an explosion and then put in some foster homes. Then he had a really violent criminal past and nearly killed a European Pop icon on a concert tour for singing "Candle in the Wind" too many times. Six months ago he got busted for wrestling a bear without a licence so he was given the choice of jail or enlistment in the armed forces. Hmmmm."

Rinaldo: "Yup. I suspected he was a troublemaker."

Hicks: "Well then...We'd better jump to conclusions if anything goes wrong at the base, and blame him for it!"

Back at the base Joe is seen walking down the street. The song "Staying Alive" begins playing. Then it stops abruptly with a needle-off-record sound as a bunch of armed G.I.s gather on the sidewalk. Among them is Jackson.

Jackson: " Well, fellas...it's gonna take a lotta guts to keep us going after the unfortunate beer and porn shortage. I recommend we all go take a shower."

Charlie suddenly pops up in the middle of the group and points a finger.

Charlie: "Hey! There's the guy who wouldn't get the hacky sac! Oh, and like,I heard he has something to do with the truck incident! Let's all be real mean to him!"

The G.I.s all gather around Joe and give him dirty looks. He just shrugs it off and goes to his barrack. Inside all the other G.I.s give him more dirty looks. Joe goes to get a locker to put his stuff in. Two G.I.s sitting there get up and move away. Then all the G.I.s get up and leave to play volleyball and not invite Joe to play.

Joe lies down on the bed. He has a flashback to when he was a kid and he is doing rock, paper, scissors hand techniques with an aging Asian guy in the jungle.

The scene shifts back to Ortega's place. Ortega is greeting some of his old Frat brothers.

Ortega: " Ah...some of my old chums. Good to see you!"

He shows them his mansion.

Ortega: "This is my giant mansion I bought with all my illegally earned drug and stolen weapons money!"

He points to some scantily clad women standing at the doorway.

Ortega: (grinning) "And these are some scantily clad eye candy babes I bought, also with my illegally earned drug and stolen weapons money!"

Guy1: "Ooohhh...nice pad, Victor."

Ortega: "Nigel."

Guy1: "Nigel."

Ortega: "Yes. It was on MTV's Cribs last week! Now...Wanna see my twenty four diamond encrusted hot tubs?"

The scene changes to the big garden-roof area. Some time has passed but Ortega is still giving the tour.

Ortega: "...And this is the really great view of the jungle I get from my roof."

Guy 1: " It's very impressive."

Ortega: " Oh, you haven't seen nothing yet. Check this out."

He leads the men back towards the patio. They walk past the semi-elderly Asian gardener who's arranging some plants in a pool of water. He nods a hello to them.

Ortega: "Oh yes, this is my Asian gardener. He arranges the plants so they look spiffy. We found him in the jungle a long time ago, still in uniform. Guess he hadn't realized WWII was over. He doesn't talk much, but we don't care about that, do we?"

Then the scene suddenly switches to a shot of a scary looking guy wearing only a loincloth and headband, pounding a huge drum. The camera then pans out on what looks like a big training camp full of color-coded ninja. Ortega and his tour group walk down the stairs.

Ortega: " And this is my ninja training camp!"

Tour Group: (taking out cameras) "Ooooh! Aaaah!"

Ortega: "I know, not everybody has a big ninja training camp in their backyard."

He boasts while straightening his tie.

The camera pans closer into the camp so the ninja can be seen doing all kinds of stuff like climbing ropes, running dangerous obstacle courses, and delivering pizzas within 15 minutes or less. Then for the Grand Finale, Black Star gives them a taste of his skills by beating the living daylights out of a bunch of spare ninja trainees. He even displays his unbeatableness by snapping the neck of one guy, under Ortega's command. All the spectators stare with their mouths open and then applaud. Black Star bows.

Black Star: "Okay. I have to go now. Iron Chef is coming on."

He walks off and Ortega turns to the group.

Ortega: "Isn't this guy the coolest? He's Black Star, the highest ranking ninja sensei in the whole country. He leads my little ninja troop, here."

After the tour is over, Ortega walks his two buddies to their car.

Guy 2: " Well, Ortega. I have to admit you've got some pretty cool stuff."

Ortega: "Yes, and I'm going to have another big shipment of huge super weapons later on! So if you still want to buy them you'd better be here! They go faster than the Raspberry Shnops bottles in my liqueur cabinet!"

They shake hands in turn.

Guy 2: "Yeah, we'll be here. Who could pass up the chance to buy super-enhanced firearms from a guy with his own ninja training camp!"

Back at Fort Sonora again...

A bunch of army men are jogging down the street with Jackson singing something unintelligible.

GI leader: "WOOOOAH..."

GIs: "WOOOOOOAH."

GI leader: " WOOO-OOOH..."

GIs: "WOOOOO-OOOH."

GI leader: "WOAHOOOOAHAHAAA."

GIs: "WOAHOOOOOOAHAHAAAAA."

GI leader: " BLADITYBLAHDITYBLAH!"

GIs: " Uh...Blah (awkward various gibberish) whatever!"

GI leader: "Boy, this isn't raising our spirits much."

GIs: "...Meh."

GI leader: " When somethin's wrong...in th' neighborhood! Who ya gonna call?"

GIs: "GHOSTBUSTERS!"

The guy who Jackson is running with points to Joe, who's working on a truck. Jackson and a few of his G.I. buddies divert from the singing group and gang up around Joe. Charlie pops up again out of nowhere to be part of the action. Jackson walks over to Joe and starts harassing him.

Jackson: " So, you're the guy who doesn't like to be social, huh?"

Joe ignores him, continuing to install a new cassette player in his truck.

Jackson: " Hey, pal. I'm talkin' to you."

Charlie: "I heard that this guy's a troublemaker. He thinks he's bad !"

Jackson puts his hands on his hips.

Jackson: "Bad?This guy doesn't know about being bad."

He turns to his buddies.

Jackson: "You guys know who's bad around here! I'm the baddest mother around here!"

His G.I. buddies all cheer in agreement.

GI: (hands in the air) "You go, Jackson! You one bad mother-"

GIs: (pointing) "Shut your mouth!"

GI: (shrugging) "I'm only talkin' 'bout Jackson!"

GIs: (giving thumbs up) "We can dig it."

Jackson continues to harass Joe about his behavioral differences, trying to get him riled up. It doesn't work.

Jackson: (under his breath) "What, did this guy take an anger management class, or something?"

He then grabs the wrench from Joe's hand and drops it on the ground.

Jackson: "Go ahead. Pick it up."

Joe goes to pick up the wrench but Charlie kicks it out of reach.

Charlie: "Now let's see how you like it! Walk for it, jerk!"

They all point and laugh at Joe.

Jackson: " So, I heard that you had something to do with the truck-hijacking incident, too. Well, c'mon Karate boy! Kick my ass!"

Joe: (standing up) " You don't wanna piss me off."

Jackson: "Ooooh, getting mad now?"

Jackson pounds his chest, signaling that he wants a fight. Joe just turns and starts to walk away. Jackson gets pissed off and tries to grab him. In a flash, Joe flips Jackson over his shoulder. Jackson gets up, ready to fight. He rips off his green G.I. issue shirt revealing one with Mr. T on it.

Jackson: "I pity da foo' who pisses off Jackson! Let's go!"

Joe hesitates. Jackson tries to hit him. Joe flips him over again. Now the other G.I.s are gathered around to see the fight. Jackson tries to grab Joe, but he ducks and throws Jackson face-first into a wall.

G.I.s: (cringing) "Oooooh...that had to hurt."

Jackson: (to them) "No it didn't!"

He spits out a tooth and turns to Joe.

Jackson: "Hold it, punk!"

He grabs Joe by the shoulders and Joe rolls back, flipping him again. Jackson is lying on the ground, quite injured. Joe picks up a bucket of water and dumps it on him. Jackson sputters, shaking water off his head. Jackson looks really pissed now as he gets back up.

Jackson: (to himself) "Damn...knew I shoulda just arm wrestled him!"

He wipes his jaw and puts his fists up.

Jackson: "I'm not done yet! Come on!"

Joe has a hose in his hand. Jackson is trying to go Kung-Fu style now. He attempts to hit Joe, but Joe winds the hose around his arm and throws him down. Jackson gets up yet again and lunges for Joe This time Joe gets him in a choke hold with the hose. However, being a good guy and all, Joe lets him go after a few moments instead of completely choking the living daylights out of him.

Jackson walks off a ways holding his head. One of his G.I. buddies offers him a big stick to wack Joe with. He takes it and prepares to give Joe the stick beating of his life. To the bewilderment of all participants, Joe takes the bucket and puts it on his head. He then kneels in front of Jackson and points to the bucket.

Jackson: (looking confused) "What in the hell are you doin'?"

G.I: "Who cares? This is your chance! Hit him Jackson!"

Redneck G.I.: "Womp him good, like in them Bugs Bunny cartoons!"

Jackson raises his big stick, about to bust out piƱata-style on Joe's head. He swings the stick but with an amazingly near psychic ability, Joe is able to block the blow, grab the stick, throw Jackson down, and then bring the stick down inches from the stunned G.I.'s face...all while wearing a bucket on his head.

Jackson: (putting his palms up in surrender) "Okay...that's enough. I give."

Jackson knew well enough that if he continued to get his ass kicked by a guy wearing a bucket on his head, he'd look pretty damn pathetic. Joe removes his bucket and lowers the stick. He then shows he's a good sport and offers a helping hand to Jackson, who's lying on the ground with several cuts and bruises. Jackson gets up and dusts himself off. He seems to have a new found respect for Joe and introduces himself.

Jackson: "I'm Jackson."

Joe: "...Joe."

Jackson: "Y, know...We seemed to have got off on the wrong foot. Let's be friends!"

Joe: "...Okay."

The other G.I.s now feel bad about how they treated Joe before because they didn't know how cool he really was. They all decide to start treating more friendly. Jackson stands and talks with Joe.

Jackson: "So...where'd you learn how to fight like that?"

Joe: " I watch a lot of Shidokan matches on ESPN2."

Just then Rinaldo comes through pushing G.I.s out of his way.

Jackson: "Ah...and that's how you beat a guy down! Thanks for the demonstration, Joe!"

Rinaldo: "Yeah, right! (to Joe) Report to my office for punishment, soldier!"

Jackson: "But it wasn't his fault."

Rinaldo: "Don't try to cover up for him. Anyways, I don't care! His shady criminal past, unfriendly attitude, and bad rep with the Colonel enable me to accuse him of what I want and get away with it! Bwaahaahaa!"

The scene shifts to Joe being punished by being put on garbage duty for a month. Jackson rides up on his fancy red motorcycle.

Jackson: " Gee, I'm sorry about getting you put on garbage duty, Joe. I think part of it was due to the fact that Rinaldo really seems to hate you."

Joe: "Yeah. I'm starting to think he does. At least I don't have to cook anymore."

Jackson: "Yeah...that was kinda punishment for us all."

The two see the Colonel's daughter with Charlie. Joe makes goo-goo eyes at her.

Jackson: (watching Joe) "Ooooh...Hey, you like her, don't you? Heh. She's pretty cute. Complains a lot, though."

The scene shifts once again to Charlie driving a car car with Patricia in the back . He's blabbering about something nobody could possibly care about. Patricia snaps out of nearly falling asleep and quickly tells him to stop the car.

Patricia: "Shut up, Charlie! I just got this hankerin' to have some fun tonight!"

Charlie: " Wha? Uh no, I smell trouble."

Patricia: (looking grossed out) "No, that's just the weird smell your car always had after that one 'incident'..."

Charlie: "Oh yeah. But who could resist picking up a hitch hiker with his own helper monkey?"

Patricia: "He was an organ grinder, you dunce. And he stole your wallet!"

Charlie: "Ooooh...yeah. Now I remember." (laughs idiotically) "I like monkeys."

Patricia: (face palming) "Ugh. Just keep watching the road."

Back at the Fort, Joe and Jackson have become buddy-buddy. They're in the weight yard and Jackson has his shirt off and Joe is in some really short...shorts for some reason. Charlie pops up in front of them.

Charlie: "Ah, Jackson. Hey man! I, like, have this really hot date tonight, but I'm gonna be late. Can somebody give the chick a note that I'm gonna be late?"

Jackson gives Joe a glance. Joe gives Jackson a glance. They're both thinking that by 'chick' he probably meant 'dude'.

Joe: (shrugging) "Yeah whatever. I'll do it."

Charlie: "No way, man. You'll probably just walk off and leave it somewhere!"

Jackson: "Anyway, you know the Colonel would have your butt in a sling if he found out you left the base."

Joe: "I'm good for the job. Nobody will ever know."

Charlie: "Well...Alright, It's a deal!"

He shakes Joe's hand.

Charlie: She'll be on the balcony, kay?"

Joe turns to Jackson.

Joe: "Okay. Jackson, I'll need to borrow your bike."

Jackson: "My bike? (raising an eyebrow) I dunno, man...you're not gonna do any crazy stunts with it and scratch it up, are you?"

Joe: " Naw. I just need it to look cool and do this!"

He revs the bike and rides up over a ramp and off a roof.

Charlie: " Wow. That was cool!"

Later that afternoon Joe shows up at the balcony. He's all decked out in a tidy uniform. He walks up onto the huge patio and sees the girl by the railing overlooking the ocean. She's looking very pretty in a white dress. She turns around and waves. Surprise! It's Patricia!

Patricia: " Hi, Joe!"

Joe: "Oh hey. Fancy meeting you here. What are you all dressed up for?"

Patricia: "Because Jackson and Charlie really set you up on a date with me. Read the note."

Joe: (pulls note out of his pocket and reads it) "Oh."

Joe and Patricia proceed through the action less date part of the story. Unfortunately, see Rinaldo and Ortega there as well. Dun-dun-duuuuun...

Rinaldo: (spotting Joe)" Hey! It's that punk from the truck incident! What's he doing here? I had him confined to the base!"

Ortega: (puts down glass of wine) "According to this, he's on a date with Colonel Hick's daughter."

Rinaldo: "How did you find that out?"

Ortega holds up the script. The director man shows up again and takes it away from him.

Sam: "How does this keep getting in somebody else's possession?"

Ortega and Rinaldo shrug their shoulders. Sam walks away to get himself an aspirin.

Rinaldo: " Well anyway, I'll tell the waiter to send that boy a poisoned glass of Mike's Hard Ice Tea!"

He starts to get up.

Ortega: "Ooh! I didn't know Mikes made a hard Ice Tea. But wait, Rinaldo! Let's not intervene yet, it might ruin the chance for some lively action scenes later!"

Rinaldo: "Eh. I'm stuck in the chair anyway."

Meanwhile, Joe has seen Rinaldo and his eyes are wide. Patricia takes notice.

Patricia: "What's the matter? You look like you've just seen some horrible, mean, ugly, fat guy with a mustache."

She turns around and looks where Joe is staring. Rinaldo and Ortega are staring back awkwardly.

Patricia: "Oh, that's just the Sergent. Don't worry about him, he's just bitter and full of rage."

Joe continues to stares at them uneasily. Ortega waves.

Patricia: "Hey, that's Mr. Ortega! He's got a big mansion somewhere nearby. I saw it on MTV Cribs."

Back at their table Rinaldo and Ortega start plotting bad things again and Ortega picks something out of his teeth with his finger. Very bad manners, but what do you expect from a evil English-accented, filthy rich, drunken villain?

Ortega: "Hey! I heard that! Of course I've got bad manners. I'm Mr. Wick! I mean Ortoga...Ote...oh, whatever the bloody hell my name is. I'm rich!"

He resumes drinking.

Rinaldo: (looking around his chair) "Crap. Where's my prying bar?"

After Joe's not-so-romantic date, Patricia makes out with him at the front step of her house

Audience: "WOOOOOOOOOOH!"

Patricia: " Goodnight, Joe!"

She skips off back to the house but before going in, walks off screen and to a cooler sitting by some tables. She opens it and takes out a Dr. Pepper.

Patricia: "Ah, I've been dying for one of these!"

Sam: " Hey! That was my last one! I bought an entire case and they all vanished. I was saving it!"

Patricia runs into the house before he can do anything about it. Sam can only stare into his now empty cooler. Suddenly Black Star appears off camera.

Black Star: "Well, you should know better to leave stuff lying around when there's a bunch of ninja present! We're born kleptomaniacs!"

In the background a bunch of ninja grab everything off set and in the props boxes and run off. One even comes back and takes the cooler.

Sam: "Hey!"

The scene switches back to Fort Sonora again. It's morning. Rinaldo flings open the doors to the G.I.s barracks, where Joe sleeps. All the G.I.s, some of them in their underwear, promptly scramble to their feet to stand at attention before an angry looking Rinaldo. All except for Joe, who is still in bed wearing his clothes from last night. That date must've really tired him out. A helpful G.I. shakes Joe awake and he gets up. Rinaldo proceeds to chew out Charlie for doing Joe's duties. He also punishes poor Joe again by making him go drive a truck secretly targeted for a hijacking, but nobody knows that yet.

Audience: "Wait, what?"

(I said nobody knows about that yet! Just deal with it.)

Outside Joe walks up to a guy behind a desk, who's in charge of the truck shipments.

Joe: "Rinaldo sent me to pick up and deliver a shipment of Cheetos."

Guy: "Truck's over there."

He points to a big orange truck with the Cheetos logo on it.

Joe drives it off to the place where it's supposed to go. There are a lot of fruit stands and other stuff that can be easily-knocked-over-by-a-truck-in-a chase-scene sitting ominously in the roadway. Joe pulls up to two guys who are standing around on a cigarette break. One has a G.I. Joe t shirt and Cobra Viper cap, the other wears a loud Hawaiian shirt with Bermuda shirts. Both of them look very shifty.

Joe: "Where's this stuff go?"

The guys don't answer. One of them just points to a warehouse with open gates.

Joe: " It looks kind of deserted. Where is everybody?"

The two guys are still not being very helpful and just shrug.

Joe drives the truck through the gate of the warehouse and up to the doors. He then gets out to open the doors and looks inside. Inside it looks like just a normal warehouse with nobody else there. Joe walks in further and looks around.

Suddenly, a ninja pops up from a bunch of boxes and chucks a spear at poor unsuspecting Joe. Luckily the spear misses Joe by at least a foot and hits a poor innocent cardboard box instead. Two more ninja with bows pop out from above and shoot arrows at Joe. He ducks behind some crates. Fortunately for him, these ninja have no better aim than the one with the spear and the arrows miss Joe as well. The ninja scramble to jump Joe as he comes out from behind a big box. A ninja with a sword attacks him but hesitates for some reason before attacking, giving Joe the opportunity to sock him in the gut and grab his other sword off him. Joe uses his new weapon to slice up the attacking ninja.

Yet another ninja jumps down from above but Joe moves out of the way as he falls and the ninja lands on the ground with a loud THUD. Joe cautiously inches around a stack of bags containing what looks like rice. Little grains start falling, alerting him that there must be another ninja sneaking up on him. There is. As the camera pans up, a ninja is preparing to drop a bowling ball on Joe's head. Joe sticks his sword through the sacks, impaling the ninja before he can make his move. Joe pulls out the sword, which has no trace of blood on it, and stares at with amazement. Just then, a ninja armed with a slingshot takes a shot at Joe. He misses. Joe takes a shuriken off the dead ninja and tosses it underhand at the enemy ninja. His underhand throw must be very powerful as the shuriken hits the guy from his spot high up near the ceiling and he falls down into a crate, dead.

Now Joe goes behind a wall with windows where you can only see his silhouette. The silhouette of a ninja sneaking up behind him follows. Two more ninja silhouettes sneak up from the front, unsheathing the swords on their backs. After a few agonizing moments of dramatic tension, the two ninja fly through the breakaway door and window. The last one gets thrown into the wall and falls to the ground. Joe pops out victoriously and checks around for more enemy ninja butt to kick. He sneaks along the side of a shed-like building. The camera pans out, leaving the audience to ponder Joe's physical well being after this as a chain-wielding ninja on the roof of the shed gets closer to him. He throws the chain at Joe but Joe catches it and yanks him down from the roof and slices him. 4 ninja who were hiding up in the rafters jump down with a net. Joe cuts through the net though, because he's got a sword, plus the net thing hasn't really worked since "The Octagon", when the guys the ninja are trying to catch were really stupid.

Back outside those shady non-helpful guys are busy stealing Joe's delivery truck. The guy with the cap looks inside the warehouse. His jaw drops upon seeing Joe fighting with a bunch of disgruntled ninja. He quickly closes the door and then bolts it shut with a large metal bar.

Inside, Joe continues smacking around ninja left and right. He has two swords now and is killing everybody who dares attack him. A ninja with a weighted chain manages to catch one of Joe's swords with it. But Joe just throws one sword at a close ninja and lets go of the other one. It flies up on the chain and kills the other ninja.

Back outside again, the guy stealing the truck floors it down the street as Joe pops out from the warehouse roof. He runs to save the Cheetos from being stolen by the badly driving maniac in a Hawaiian shirt. Joe sees the cap-wearing guy below him about to make a getaway on a two-person motorcycle. Joe jumps onto the passenger's side and starts beating the surprised guy about the face in an attempt to make him fall off. The guy takes a severe beating but still refuses to get off the bike. The guy driving the truck sees the ordeal through the side mirror and makes a u-turn. After kicking the cap guy in the head, Joe pushes him into the passenger's seat and drives the bike. The truck rams the bike to kill Joe, but instead catches the passenger seat and pushes the cap guy down the street a ways, eventually tossing him off the dock and into the water, along with some fruit. Some people watching the whole thing videotape it for Americas Funniest Home Videos. The truck then turns and chases after Joe on the motorcycle. He tries to get along side the truck and open the door, but the driving maniac speeds up and barely avoids hitting another truck in the process. Joe veers off through a bunch of those neatly stacked items in the middle of the road. The truck follows him and plows right through the stuff, scattering it all over in several slow-motion shots. See, all that waiting paid off.

The truck comes dangerously close to Joe, and then rams him from behind. Joe struggles to keep his balance as the truck repeatedly bumps him.

Joe: "OW! My ass! Stop that ya psycho, somebody could get hurt! Namely me!"

He wobbles and is caught on the truck. The bike falls from under him and gets smashed to bits by the truck. The Hawaiian shirt guy laughs evilly thinking Joe is now roadkill. But unknown to him our hero is alive and well...and in a very dangerous position on the front of the truck.

Joe: (to himself)" This is not my day."

He struggles not to fall off. Somehow Joe manages to climb underneath the truck as it heads towards Ortega's place of evil. Joe is safely concealed under the truck as it heads in. After being checked for clearance, the truck drives into the Ortega compound and past the mansion. We see Ortega overlooking the incoming shipment from his porch.

Ortega: (claps hands together) "Oh goody, my shipment of Cheetos is here!"

Bearded flunky: "Uh, don't you mean the shipment of illegal super-weapons, Sir?"

Ortega: "Oh...right. That too. But I really have been craving some cheesy snacks lately."

Bearded flunky: " You do still have a rather large supply of Doritos, Sir."

Ortega: " Yes, but they're not dangerously cheesy!"

The truck drives into one of Ortega's warehouses. A bunch of flunkies unload a large box from the back of the truck. Ortega and Black Star enter as Joe watches from underneath the truck. Ortega and a flunky guy climb into the back of the truck to another black box hidden in there. Printed in large red letters on it reads " Giant Cool Super Gun". Ortega orders the guy to open the box. There is a very huge gun inside that looks like it probably blow up lots of stuff.

Ortega: " Marvelous! Somebody'll pay a lot for this baby!"

He turns to Black Star and praises him for his good job of kicking the ass of potential people who would've botched up his operation.

Ortega: " This will bring us a ton of cash, my little ninja friend!"

He and Black Star hi-five each other knowing that ton of cash can be used to buy lots of video games. They leave the warehouse with the rest of the gun-toting guards. Outside by a car Ortega continues talking to Black Star. Inside, Joe crawls out from his hiding spot and climbs into the back of the truck to investigate.

Joe: "Why, there's no Cheetos in here. Just a really friggin' gigantic super gun."

Just then a lone guardsman sneaking in a smoke break comes up and sees Joe snooping in the truck.

Guard: (raising his gun) " Hey! Who the hell are you?"

Joe turns around.

Joe: "Uhhh...Would you believe Chester Cheetah without the costume?"

Guard: "Hell no!"

Joe: " Well, I'm out of ideas then, so here!"

He kicks the guy in the face.

The guard falls to the ground firing his gun by accident. Outside, Ortega and the others hear and rush back into the warehouse. By then Joe with his monkey-like skill has already climbed to the ceiling rafters to hide. Ortega checks the fallen man and Black Star and his ninja troop are looking around suspiciously. The doors are closed to prevent the intruder's escape.

Black Star: "It's gotta be that damn American ninja. Let me and my guys look for him. We'll beat the crap out of him when we find him!"

He motions his ninja to start searching. They take off in different directions looking for Joe who's HIDING UP IN THE RAFTERS...

Joe: (putting his finger to his lips) "SHHHHHHHH!"

Some mood setting Japanese instrumental "ninjas-sneaking-around" music begins to play as the ninja comb the area for Joe. Who is still hiding up in the rafters.

Black Star runs into the view of the camera, looking around.

Black Star: "Damn, where the hell did he go?"

Joe: "Not up in the rafters."

Black Star: "Ah. Okay ,thanks!"

Black Star runs off into another part of the warehouse.

Joe gets to the top of the roof by climbing through a small window. He is spotted by a guard and gets shot at. In the warehouse Black Star hears the gunfire and runs out.

Black Star: "Arg! I've been deceived!"

The other ninja and Ortega follow. Joe jumps down from the roof onto a smaller roof, and then to the ground as guards shoot at him like crazy. A guard guy comes around the corner of the building where Joe is now hiding and Joe clobbers him and dumps him into a garbage, along with his hat and gun, in a truly hilarious move. He then flees pursuing guards by climbing a window back into a warehouse but as he's walking around inside a guard pops into the camera's view and just starts spraying bullets. Needless to say, Joe jumps for his life, running across trucks and then rolling under one near the open door. Guards are still firing at poor Joe. Ortega and his goon squad (just the gun maniacs, not Black Star and the ninja) come running out to see Joe running like a monkey back into the jungle, bullets trailing his heels.

Ortega: " Is that the American dandy?"

Black Star: "Yes."

Ortega: "Go kick his ass!"

Black Star: "That I can do."

Black Star waves a hand to his ninja and they chase after Joe. Joe is running up a leafy hill when suddenly that old gardener guy pops out of the bushes. He looks a lot different from before though, as his outfit is an orange Chinese monk's type robe and his eyes are oddly colored, having white irises. His stare is also oddly vacant.

Master Po: " Grasshopper!"

Joe: "Excuse me?"

Master Po: "You have chosen the wrong path, Grasshopper."

He points to another way.

Master Po: "You must go this way."

Joe: "Um...do I know you?"

Master Po: "A wise student does not question the master."

Joe: "Uh...I'm not you're student. And why do you keep calling me grasshopper?"

Master Po: "Now is not the time for questions, Grasshopper. Time draws short with oncoming danger."

Joe: " Um...dude, I think you're in the wrong story."

Master Po: " And remember, Grasshopper, the man of the ninja magic wears not the clothes of the pimp."

(Inside joke to a hilarious old episode of SNL. And uh, R.I.P David Carradine)

Joe: (to himself) "I don't have time for this!"

He goes the other direction that Master Po was pointing out to get away from him. The ninja are running up the hill after Joe. Joe turns and sees them getting closer and disappears into part of a ruined building looking thing hidden in the jungle ferns. The ninja are searching the tall grass in search of him but he's long gone now. Black Star scans the weeds looking for any trace of him, but they'd never find him in all those jungle plants. Black Star gets pissed and grits his pearly white teeth as he angrily smacks a fist into his palm.

Black Star: " Damn him! That *#! Stupid American ninja...thinks he's all cool...friggin' #%#!"

He continues to mumble a trail of swears as he walks up the hill. Back near the street Ortega runs up to his buddies in the car and asks to use the cell phone. He calls Rinaldo back at his office in Fort Sonora.

Rinaldo: (smoking a cigar) "Rinaldo's Roasters. You kill it, we grill it."

Ortega: (whining) "Listen, that American goof was just here meddling in my affairs again! This time he found out about the stolen weapons. He's gonna squeal on us now! We're screwed!"

Rinaldo: "Ahh crap! I'll make sure he doesn't get to Hicks and tell about it. Don't worry."

He hangs up the phone looking ultra pissed and pounds his fist on the desk.

A mini-van pulls up by the Fort's entrance and Joe gets out. He runs towards the check-in station but a bunch of MPs with guns are waiting there for him.

MP: (blocking Joe with his rifle) "Halt, soldier!"

Joe: "I have to talk to the Colonel..."

MP: "Sorry, but we got orders to arrest you."

He motions to the other MPs next to him.

Joe: "Aaaaw, man."

The MPs grab Joe and haul him off to jail. They stuff him in a cell to think about what he's done. Which, wasn't really anything, (Poor Joe.) Then at the jail office Jackson walks in to talk with the head guy at the desk.

Jackson: (salutes)" Sir..."

Head jailer: " What is it?"

Jackson: " I received word that a G.I. was jailed here. He's my little pal, Joe."

Head jailer: "Yeah, he was arrested for stealing a delivery truck and trying to impersonate Chester Cheetah."

Jackson: " What? Why would he do that? Somethin' smells fishy here."

Head jailer: "Yeah. I had tuna for lunch."

Jackson: "Oh."

Head jailer: "Well, Rinaldo wanted that guy's butt thrown in jail, and arguing with him is something you just don't do. So there. I f ya got a problem, go talk with him."

A few moments later Jackson is in Rinaldo's office complaining to him.

Rinaldo: "I'm not letting that punk out of jail, I don't care how much you beg. He's a punk and a troublemaker with a criminal background and I hate him so there! Now get outta here and go do...army stuff!"

Jackson leaves with a pout. After he's gone Rinaldo lights up another huge cigar and busts out laughing very evilly. Then he starts coughing and hacking.

Back in a scene of the jail , Joe is in his cell looking sad, lonely and uncomfortable on the hard bed. Then the camera shifts to the Colonel's house where Jackson is riding up on his motorcycle. Patricia and Charlie are waving bye to some people who are leaving the house. Jackson runs up to her.

Patricia: " Oh, hey Jackson. You missed the party, but there's a bunch of leftovers still in there. Go in and grab a beer!"

Jackson: "I'm not here for that, Patricia."

He looks concerned.

Patricia: "What's up?"

Jackson: "Joe's been thrown in jail for apparently no reason other than Rinaldo hates him and keeps accusing him of stuff."

Patricia: " What? Come on in, we'll go complain to my Dad."

They go to complain to the Colonel.

Jackson: "I don't understand why Joe got thrown in jail, Sir. He's not bad. He's just misunderstood."

Patricia: (hugging on Hick's arm) "Yeah, Daddy, let him go!"

Hicks: "No way! He's a bad influence to the rest of the G.I.s. We had nothing but problems since he showed up."

Jackson and Patricia look at each other. There's nothing they can do to persuade Hicks to let Joe go, so Jackson salutes and they leave.

At the evil house of Ortega, on the lovely rooftop:

The normal Asian gardener guy is there arranging some geraniums by the side of a pool. Black Star's ninja buddies are in the pool playing water-volleyball. Ortega is having lunch at a table by a tree. Without his shirt on...

Audience: (covering eyes) "EEEEEW!"

Anonymous female in background: "Gross out! -, I mean Ortega, have you no shame?"

Ortega: "Of course not! I'm constantly loaded! In my world, I have the body of a God."

He makes poses.

Black Star is standing by the table in a pair of black swimming trunks.

Ortega: (looks up and says something unintelligible because of the food in his mouth)

Black Star removes his sunglasses and sets them on the table as Ortega looks up.

Black Star: "Um...what was that, Sir?"

Ortega swallows.

Ortega: "I said, so, the American's been thrown in jail. (he points his fork) That'll keep him off our backs for awhile! Hahahaa!"

Black Star: "I can get rid of him permanently."

Ortega: (smiling slyly) "You mean...assassinate him?"

Black Star nods eagerly.

Ortega: "I need a man like you back at Winfred Lauder!"

Black Star: "He'll be dead by morning."

Black Star bows and then jumps back in the pool as the old gardener watches. He looks a little concerned over the plotted assassination but goes back to arranging his plants.


Uh-Oh! Looks like trouble's brewing for Joe. Everyone's against him, and now an assassination plot? And he's all locked up in jail with no idea what's in store for him. What will Joe do? Will Jackson and Patricia find a way to save him before it's too late? Or will the evil Ortega succeed in his villainous scheme? What's the mysterious gardener guy's connection to Joe? What's up with Jackson wanting to take so many showers? And why is licking doorknobs illegal on other planets? Find out in part 2!