The Quest for the Missing Pin Up
It was a normal day on Earth...well normal enough since there was also two groups of giant alien robots living there who were fighting each other as well...it's 1984 what do you expect? Anyway in a gigantic spaceship under the pacific ocean the Decepticons, who were a bunch of evil power hungry monsters who wanted to do nothing more than take over the universe. They were so evil it made the humans wet their pants just thinking about them. They were so cruel it made the monsters from hell look like sissies. They were planning on destroying the world the moment they took all it's energy but right now they were trying to figure out what colour to paint the command room. It was a tough choice between purple and yellow and already the Decepticons were fighting over it. Starscream wanted yellow cause he said it made the room look appealing and bright whilst Megatron believed it should be purple because he thought it looked cool...that and it reminded him of his favourite drink...Energon! Anyway the Decepticons were now divided as they tried to figure out what colour to paint the command room.
Starscream, Skywarp, the Combaticons, Ramjet, Rumble and Reflector belived it should be yellow whilst Megatron, the Constructicons, Thrust and Thundercracker thought it should be purple. Well the argument was mainly going on between Starscream and Megatron...the others took sides for the hell of it...plus they were placing bets on it...so far the odds were in Starscream's favour. The room was filled with arguing Decepticons and a sobbing Frenzy who was sitting in the corner. Poor thing hated violence between friends you see. Megatron was furious as always (when isn't he?) and continued his shouting and cursing at the red seeker.
'I don't want it to be yellow! Yellow sucks!' snarled Megatron.
'You were the one who said it should either be purple or yellow!' screeched Starscream.
'Well I don't want it to be yellow cause you want it!'
'But every room on the ship is purple! Can't we at least have one room that isn't purple!?'
'You're a big baby!'
'W-well....you're a...a...a big FAT baby! HAH! Nananana!'
AutobotV: Wow...great comeback you loser
Megatron: Oh shut it!
As the two Decepticons continued to fight over the colour of what the command room should be Ravage suddenly ran into the room. He was whimpering and whining as he tried to gain the attention of the Decepticons who were too busy to notice him...yeah right...trying to pick a colour for a command room is busy? Anyway the poor kitty tried to get his leader's attention by pawing at him and mewing in a really cute way. However Megatron didn't really give a dam about him right now. His main concern was what colour his command room should be.
'I am the Decepticon leader and I think the room should be purple!'
'But I...oh forget it...fine the command room will be painted purple,' sighed Starscream.
'I said the command room will be the colour you wanted...purple!'
'W-well...now I want it yellow!'
Believe or not this argument has been going on for about three days straight now. First Megatron wanted it to be purple but when Starscream gave up and agreed Megatron then decided he wanted it yellow. Then when Starscream changed his mind back to yellow Megatron would then decided to have it purple again...how those odds are in Starscreams favour I don't know but hey...Thundercracker did the calculating not me! As the argument continued on Ravage continued to whine and whimper to get Megatron's attention.
AutobotV: Hey Megatron see to Ravage will you!
Megatron: Not now dammit!
Then it was at that moment that Megatron suddenly got an idea.
'Decepticons cease your squabbling! I have an idea on how to slove the soloution. I shall do what I always do in these troubling situations and...get Soundwave to solve it for me!'
At that point all the Decepticon's groaned and started handing money over to Swindle who was the only one who placed a bet that Megatron would get Soundwave to solve the problem. Everyone else either betted on Megatron or Starscream winning. Starscream was just glad that Megatron was gone...he needed to get back to his muffins. As Megatron ran off to Soundwave's room Ravage followed and continued to mew and whimper. Since Megatron is too far up his aft to give a dam about the poor thing I decided to have a chat with him.
AutobotV: OK Ravage what's wrong?
AutobotV: Uh huh
AutobotV: Right...go on...
Megatron: NO! NO I HAD IT WITH YOU!
Megatron: Every time I talk to you I end up getting blown up, sent to the sun and having to kiss Prime's feet for a month! I am never listening to you again!
Megatron continued to run until at last he found himself outside Soundwave's door. As he opened the door without even knocking he heard some muffled sobbing coming from the corner of the room. Curious Megatron walked in...not noticing the room was filled with hundreds of photos of Jazz the Autobot...lot's of photos of Jazz...um...I am getting a little freaked out...heck there was even a few of Jazz's old paint shredding's on a desk. Megatron didn't even seem to care as he walked further in to find Soundwave on his bed crying his little perverted Spark out. He even had a homemade Jazz plushy right there with him. His was surrounded with wet tissues and hundreds of used tissue boxes. It looked like he had been crying for quite some time. Megatron however...didn't care.
'Soundwave I have a probelm! It's really important!'
The poor Decepticon didn't notice him as he continued to cry. Um Megatron if you just listen to me I can tell you...
Megatron: I'M NOT LISTENING! LALALALALA!
Megatron continued to poke and call out to Soundwave who was still crying. It actually looked like he had been crying for a good number of hours and now that I noticed it there was some teary-eye music playing in the back round. He must of been really depressed right about now but Megatron was too concerned about his command room.
'Soundwave this is really important! Should I have the command room painted purple or yellow?'
'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAH!'
'Yellow or purple? Soundwave this is really important!'
Soundwave continued to sob and cry Megatron continued to ask about the colour scheme of his command room. Ravage purred and snuggled up on the floor hoping that Megatron would be able to see the problem soon. I seriously doubt that though Ravage. After much sobbing and crying Soundwave looked up and sniffled.
'I-I think...sniff...purple would be...sniff...fine sir...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH!'
Megatron smiled and left the room heading back to the command room now knowing that all his problems would be solved now that Soundwave had helped him. Upon entering the command room he found his Decepticon's waiting for him drinking hot Energon and eating Starscream's muffins. He could not wait to tell them what Soundwave had told him.
'Good news Decepticons! After speaking with Soundwave who I found crying in his room I have now decided to paint the command room purple! So everyone grab a brush and start painting! Then we can discuss where we're going to put the new couch!'
The Decepticons looked at Megatron in shocked silence.
'W-wait...WHAT!?' shrieked Starscream.
'He was crying?' asked a horrified Thundercracker.
'Yes he was...and he looked like he was crying for a...wait...HE WAS!?'
'You just told us you idiot!' snapped Rumble.
AutobotV: I did try and tell you.
Megatron: No you didn't! You didn't tell me anything!
AutobotV: Ravage tried to tell you too!
Megatron: No he didn't! All he did was demand for more milk!
The Decepticon leader suddenly began to worry. Why didn't he notice it before? Soundwave hadn't been himself lately now that he thought about it. Sometimes he would go off crying in the corner or call up a helpline for advice. He rarely ate his Energon...didn't offer any suggestions to take over the world...didn't play any music...didn't take Ravage to the pet palour...hasn't said a word and didn't help Starscream in his cooking. He normally did all that stuff nearly everyday...but he hasn't done it for a whole week...wait...
AutobotV: He's been like this for a whole week and you NEVER noticed it!?
Megatron: We were redecorating!
Knowing that he had to find out what was wrong with Soundwave Megatron ran back to Soundwave's room with Starscream and Hook following. Running back into Soundwave's room they found the poor Decepticon trying to hang himself. Hook wailed and grabbed Soundwave's legs before he kicked the stool away whilst Starscream began to look around the room hoping to find an answer to Soundwave's suicidal behaviour. Megatron just stood there looking confused.
'He looks OK to me.'
'HE WAS TRYING TO HANG HIMSELF!' wailed Hook.
'He can't hang himself you idiot...we don't have lungs and we don't have spines to snap!'
'.....Oh yeah,' replied Hook releasing Soundwave to let him hang there.
Megatron stepped forward as Soundwave continued to sob.
'Soundwave why are you trying to kill yourself? I mean you have every thing you could ever want! You have me, my leadership, my laundry, my orders, my bath times, my cooking and more me to live for!'
AutobotV: Gee now I feel suicidal
Starscream looked round Soundwave's room and was a little freaked out that the Decepticon had an obsession with the Autobot Jazz. He had photos of him sleeping, walking, having an oil change and other private things all over the walls. He had a collection of Jazz's junk, paint sheddings and fluids...ewww. He even had a picture of Jazz who was beating Megatron up framed in gold and surrounded with white, blue and red flowers. It was titiled "My happiest moment ever!" with a few hearts and stars. The red Seeker wondered if this was the cause of Soundwave's sad state. Walking up to the crying Soundwave he spoke in a low and sweet tone hoping he could discover why Soundwave was so upset.
'Soundwave...are you sad because of this Jazz? Are you upset because you are a Decepticon and he is an Autobot and you two would never truly be together because of this war? That all you have of him are these pictures and...things... and that he isn't here? Or are you sad cause you just realized you're working for a complete nut-case?'
Soundwave sobbed and shook his head.
'N..no...it's because...because...SOMEBODY STOLE MY PRIZED JAZZ PIN-UP!'
There was a very long silence in the room.
'Somebody stole my prized Jazz pin up OK! Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to buy that!? Do you have any idea how rare it is to have Jazz posed like that? Kneeling on a big pink bed with his blaster between his slighty spread legs whilst leaning back and giving you a teasing but shy look with pink cheeks and puffing out hot air whilst covered in whipped cream that just trickles down his hot body and licking it off his left hand whilst the right hand is on his thigh that is oh so close and yet so far from his private parts that are hidden from sight because of this small thin and lacy red ribbon with a bow on it with a gift tag saying "for you" on it with his autograph!? That was a freaking rare edition in the Play-Bot magazines and now it's gone!'
As Soundwave continued to cry Megatron was a little lost at what to do. Hell even Starscream and Hook were clueless at what to do. So he decided to reluctantly get help from AutobotV and hoped that she would be able to help get his most loyal Decepticon under control.
AutobotV:....I...I just had a major nosebleed...so...um...crap...THUD
At that point I fainted due to heavy blood lose so Megatron was on his own for this one.
'Dammit it all...we need to find that pin up! Starscream, interrogate the other Decepticons using any means necessary...and get Vortex to help you! Hook, cut him down from there and try to sedate him! I need him back to normal if we're ever going to decide where to put the new couch!'
Meanwhile at the Autobot base the Autobots were getting ready to start the day anew...after they all went to see Ratchet for some more hangover medicine. The hallways were filled with graffiti and vomit and the Autobots were all moaning and groaning with many of them swearing that they'd never drink again. The rec room was filled with Energon splattered here and there and certain toys that I cannot describe since I rated this fic a T...even though it's all about a pin up from a naughty magazine. Anyway Optimus was now trying to solve a major crisis. Their funds had been cut short and this meant their partying days were going to vanish unless they did something about it. So he called his officers to his command room once they had taken their hangover medicine to come up with a plan.
'Autobots...if we wish to continue our partying we need to find a way to make more money! Last time we tried to sell Bumblebee's aft on the corner of the red light district but that got us squat and it caused Bumblebee to catch a number of std's! However I would like to reward Bumblebee for after catching so many std's went off to sell his aft to the Go Bots and wiped out their entire race with unprotected sex! Well done Bumblebee!'
A loud appluase suddenly went round the room and Bumblebee blushed from where he was standing with his IV drip right next to him. After the clapping died Optimus continued.
'So I have come up with a plan to get us more money! I have recently discovered after having Mirage steal some stuff from the Decepticons that one of us has made a shit load of money and didn't even share it with us or tell us!'
The Autobots looked at each other confused until Optimus held up a magazine.
'This is the play-bot magazine which many of you know has lots of evil pictures of seductress and whores! After I accidentally opened it I discovered that one of our own Autobots has allowed himself to be seen in such a vile and disgusting way. It was even in the centre-fold and it makes me sad that I have to now show it to you!'
Optimus then opened up the magazine to revel the centre-fold and the moment the Autobots saw it everyone gasped in shock. For a while everyone just stared at it until Prowl said,
'Um...Optimus sir...that's you on the centre-fold.'
The Autobot leader suddenly cursed and hid it under his desk and pulled out a new one. However the next centre-fold was a picture of Starscream surrounded with homecooked muffins and cakes. Optimus cursed again and pulled out another one but it had a picture of a Go Bot on it which caused many Autobots to scream and run away from the sight of it. Dam Optimus what were you doing with that!?
Optimus: I didn't open that one yet!
AutobotV:....How many of these mags do you have?
Optimus:..........................about 151....plus Auto-Parts magazines...
After the Autobots were able to calm down Optimus finally found the one he was looking for. He opened it up to revel a very sexy Jazz kneeling on a big pink bed and...I'm sorry but if I describe it again I'm going to die. The Autobots looked at it in horror...yet many suddenly found themselves turned on by the sight of it. Everyone then looked to Jazz who just sat there looking tired and drinking bottles of hangover medicine.
'Jazz why didn't you tell us about this! According to the magazine you made $2 million out this photo alone!'
Jazz just moaned and slumped forward.
'I was drunk OK! I spent all that money on drinks!'
The Autobots weren't sure if they should be impressed or disgusted. Was Optimus going to punish him or something? However Optimus had gotten a crazy idea.
'Since you made so much money out of one centre-fold photo I have decided to have Jazz pose for a calender! A picture for every month! Imagine how much money we'd make!?'
The Autobots looked at each other in shock. Jazz just moaned and slumped forward on his table. Was this such a good idea? Get one of their own Autobots and force him to pose in a naughty calender thus shaming the name of the Autobots forever? Optimus could see their concern and sighed.
'Look he either poses for the calender or we don't party ever again!'
That solved the problem quickly as the Autobots suddenly cried out,
Well that was a interesting first chapter! Megatron is trying to redecorate, Soundwave is missing his prized pin up and the Autobots are now going to exploit Jazz to make more money so they could party. What's going to happen next time? Find out soon...now where can I buy that magazine?