Title: Dear Diary
Warnings: Silliness, OOCness, meaningless non-sense and... some weird sort of slash xD And, uh - a LOT of bitchyness! Woohoo!
Rated: For the language. But it's not like he's writing down his erotic fantasies in his journal... I hope! xD
Summary: Jasper has done something bad, and decides to share it with his diary.
A/N: So, this was a crazy idea that just hit me one night. I HAD to write it! Anyways, it's a three-parter with really short chapters, and I don't expect it to be taken serious :b - I mean, it's Jasper writing in his diary! It ISN'T serious! xD
Anyway, it's only written for my own fun, and I just hope someone out there share my crazy sense of humor! xD If not... well, I'll probably enjoy the flaming comments, won't I? xD
A special thanks to Jaqqi (Or SoOutOfControl) for beta-reading and supporting my idea! (Partly xD I knew you were scared of Jasper, but let's face it: we're ALL scared of him!) I'll dedicate this to whoever also likes a bitch!Jasper with an out-there way to get rid of his rage! :D
Dear diary… Today I made Emmett think that Edward's hot!
It wasn't like I didn't know it was a bad thing. Hell, I could feel how bad it was! But watching the expression on Edward's face when he read Emmet's thoughts – well, that just about made my day.
Alright, so I'm a bad person? Allow me to have a little fun! It's my 79th birthday, okay? I'm starting to feel old here! Anyhow, it was Alice who made me write that stupid list. How could I know that I wanted to see my two brothers go gay for each other? It'd just been a joke, for god's sake! And someday, of course, I'll tell them that I did it… maybe in the next century or something. Sure, at the next millennium, I'll tell. I'll make it a new year-thousand-resolution-thingy. Alice will love it!
Of course, there is a big chance that one of them – or maybe their girlfriends – will kill me before that… but I'm quite sure that their expression single-handily will make it worth it. 'Sides, unless the both of them go against me, I'll surely be able to escape them. And Alice will cover my back and foresee the attack. I hope. If not, I really am screwed. Emmett is so much stronger than me – he could break me like a twig.
The only person I'm really worried about is Bella – her mood swings are killing us. Why, again, are human supposed to be that difficult? HE LOVES YOU, god-dammit, now stop being such a drama queen! Geesh, I wonder if she's that bad when I'm not around. I mean, when I'm there to control her emotions, at least she stops bitching everybody. I feel sorry for Edward. Truth to be, he and Emmett would probably have a much healthier relationship – although it would be kind of gross, but once they were over the whole incest-thing (which will probably take a few decades) I'm sure they'd begin to really like it. I'm not saying Edward doesn't deserve Bella… just that he could do so much better than her. I mean, I don't even get how they fell in love from the beginning! It's not like she's pretty or anything. And she's constantly seeking for approval with that fake clumsiness and insecurity. How can he not find that as annoying as other non-retarded people does? I mean, we're vampires, but just because we're mythical creatures, it doesn't mean we should just go around and fall for every other loser we meet on our way.
Wow, if Edward ever reads this, he'll kill me! Unless he's already read my thoughts about her – I'm sure he has. It's really a pity that he can't read her thoughts. I'm sure that if he could just feel her emotions – that horrible way she fake her need for him whenever he's around – he'd dump her right away and send her back to that father of hers. Which would be kind of sad for him really, because he's actually a nice guy. If I should be honest, I know that everybody – including Alice and Emmett (as if I'd ever tell Rose about this!!) – thinks that Charlie is way hotter than his daughter. I wonder how Alice can stand being best friends with her. Maybe it's just some sort of instincts she's got.
My Alice is wonderful! I actually wrote a poem for her the other day. Of course Edward had to ruin it by reading my thoughts and copying it. Now Bella thinks that her already too-amazing boyfriend is a member of the Secret Poet's society (haha, get the Dead Poets' Society reference? No… Oh well) as well. Could it be more awful, or is it just me over-dramatizing everything again? Last times I checked, brothers stole each other's girls, not the poems they wrote for them. Does he really want her to know that he's gay?
Uh, once again I have to remember that I am the one making him gay, of course. I'm actually giggling now. I love being evil. And Edward really deserves it. Plainly, Emmett could just do better than Rose. How could he ever fall for a blonde girl? I mean, how cliché-ish does he want it to get? Should she wear a pink princess-dress before he finally realized how much she looks like Barbie?! The JockXBarbie-thing is so last decade.
I don't get why they're always picking on Alice. I mean, my girlfriend never cheated on me, did she? Rose have been with plenty vampires – most recently with those Volturi-morons who, of course, found her just as attractive as everybody else – and I don't even wanna get started on Bella and that dog's relationship. I wonder sometimes if Edward has to walk in on them having sex before he can face the truth. I repeat myself now: If he could read her thoughts, it'd all be oh-so-clear to him. But that idiotic fool is way too in love to ever realize it.
Maybe that was why I tampered with his and Emmett's feelings. I'd much rather see my two brothers together than with those sluts they've picked up. If I didn't know better, I would've bet that they have histories as pole-dancers. I mean, who really knows what Bella was doing in Phoenix? I'm beginning to get suspicious. She always avoids our questions – even when we smile!
Hello, didn't she think we were absolutely adorable and mesmerizing, or did I totally misunderstand something? Well, maybe I did. Uh, Alice's feelings horny, gotta go.