A/N: Thanks for the reviews, guys! Glad someone likes my stuff! :D And just for the ones who didn't get it: This is NOT because I just want to have an excuse for dissing Bella (although it would be a good one :b) but because I think it's fuuun to write about Jasper bitching out! Mkay? xD Jasper's bitchyness is supposed to make you laugh, not hate me. But feel free to do so if you dislike me that much Oo Anyways, just wanted to make sure that everyone got it. Enjoy! :D

Dear Diary… Today Emmett stared at Edward's ass!

I swear, I merely affected his emotions this time! He actually glanced at Edward's ass for minutes while his brother (May I just point out that this time, I wasn't the psycho-freak who made him do this… entirely?) was kissing his girlfriend. Uh, I think someone's choosing the queer path, and I think that a certain blonde will definitely not approve this! But come on… they can still be friends, right? Seriously, no one says this has to be ugly! But of course, knowing Rose, this is going to be worse than a massacre. Yes, people, there will be lost blood. But I'm not sure who's gonna lose it this time. I'm thinking eating-frenzy? When she and Emmett hadn't had sex in two weeks she went on one of those – man, Carlisle was mad!

Mentioning Carlisle, I noticed that he noticed the way our dear queen Emmett looked at Eddie today. And I really, really, really don't think that he liked what he saw. But, hey, if we get rid of Rosalie, I think that he'll be able to live his way through the gayness, right? We can always get them a private house or something!

Yes, my dear, non-living friend – it is time for alternative solutions! Since I've now made it clear that Alice and I are definitely conspiring to kick Rosalie out, I don't have to be that friendly anymore! YAY FOR ME!

But, of course, I'll have to keep my thoughts friendly whenever a certain mind-reading pretty-boy is around, because I don't want the news to spread… for now, at least.

Anyways, Alice and I started working on our list yesterday, taking an innocent walk in the forest… oh, who am I kidding? We were having sex, of course! In the forest!! Can you believe how crazy she went? When we got together, she swore she'd never leave the bed! But I finally got her convinced – well, after telling that Edward and Bella had done it in the ocean. I love the way she always tries to compete with the mortal bitch. How can she even compare herself to something with that many flaws? Have I said this before? My Alice is wonderful! She always smiles, and she's always happy! And, man, does she know how to suck a dick properly! I've heard that miss clumsy isn't that experienced at those points. Poor Ed. I'm sure that even Emmett would be better in bed than her, even if he had to be with a guy.

I'm even suspecting him for having had a secret affair with that blonde Volturi-dude. Did anyone hear how he reacted when he found out he'd wanted Edward and Bella? I think someone was jealous! But, of course, it isn't exactly news that Emmett's got a thing for blonde's – I just wish he'd be more picky sometimes.

Rosalie actually told Alice that she looked fat today! Can you believe that?! Pff! Talking about denial! I'm sure that Rosalie's just overeating because she wants to look pregnant. You know, normal women just stuff a pillow or something underneath their shirt. Or steal a baby. But noooh, no, no, no! Rosalie has to get fat and go accusing other women for being so! She really is a nutcase, I swear.

I even saw her eat chocolate the other day! How low are you allowed to sink?! Human food?! Not even I ate human food when I was at my lowest point! She's so pathetic, it makes me wanna fuck Emmett myself just to get over with it. Of course, I can't allow myself to think like that. Alice is my everything, no doubts there, ever! I mean, with a girl like her, how can I even look at other people? It'd be like living in a dream and trying to wake yourself up to have a nightmare!

Speaking of Alice, I think I'd better stop for now. She's wearing that purple thing again – and yes, I mean the one with the laces! She even bought handcuffs that matched! Now, isn't that cute? Uh oh, she's trying to cuff me! Later!