Italics= Freddie's POV


I had been fast asleep when my phone started vibrating like crazy. I tried to ignore it and rolled over. It continued to insist I answer it. I fumbled for it and checked the caller id. CARLY flashed in bright letters on the screen.

"lo?" I mumbled sleepily, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

"Sam, you need to get to the hospital like, right now!" Carly sobbed, her voice constricted and shaky.

"Carls, chill what's wrong?" I demanded, already out of bed and digging for my shoes.

"It's Freddie." Carly sobbed harder

I froze. Freddie. My heart sank and I began to panic. "what happened." I whispered, almost afraid of her answer.

Sobs on her end before she answered. "They found him in his room this morning, unconscious…" she broke off.

"why" I murmured.

"He slashed his wrists open." Carly finished before breaking down into more tears.

Oh my god. "I'll be right there." I said, hanging up on my best friend's cries. I grabbed the first hoodie I could reach and ran out of my house. I almost hurt my car as slammed the door shut and jammed my key into the ignition. I pealed out of my drive way with a loud screech, leaving marks on the street behind me. I fought back tears as I tore through Seattle. My dork. My poor Freddie. I raced through a red light and my mind flashed through the argument we had the day before

"Blonde headed Demon!" Freddie yelled, throwing my chicken leg at me.

"tick infested nub!" I retorted, ducking and throwing a wing at him

"Cold hearted bitch!" he screamed, his deep voice cracking slightly at the end.

"Fag!" I screamed in return.

"Heartless monster who can't love anyone!" he shouted, hiding behind the island in Carly's kitchen as he chucked the other wing from the chicken at me.

I neatly dodged and shot back

"Worthless piece of shit no one will ever love."

Freddie froze, and the chicken leg I had thrown at him struck him squarely in the chest. His angry mask melted into an expression of pain. His beautiful brown eyes watered over. Guilt crept into my chest, just as it did every time I hurt him. "Freddie…" I whispered, reaching for him to apologize.

He seemed to remember I was there. He looked directly into my eyes and his watery brown eyes turned cold and steely. Frozen chocolate. He turned and walked slowly out of Carly's apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Tears were streaming freely down my face as I pulled into the hospital parking lot. This was my fault. The boy I love is laying somewhere in this building with his arms slashed open because I told him no one will ever love him. Freddie was right. I am a monster.

With shaking feet, I climbed out of my car and jogged to the entrance. I didn't care that my blonde curls were a mess, of that I was getting strange looks from people because I wasn't wearing anything except pj shorts and a pullover and it was lightly snowing outside. I just gave them my trademark Sam Puckett glare and they quickly turned away.

As soon as I walked in, I spotted Carly, Spencer and Mrs. Benson on a bench in the waiting room. Tears decorated both Carly's and Mrs. Benson's faces. Spencer sat with a white face and his jaw set tightly. Carly turned at the sound of the door opening and raced toward me. She hugged me and sobbed into my shoulder.

"He can't die, he just can't!" Carly's muffled cries hurt me physically. "We were going to get back together eventually!" she wailed into my sweater. My heart constricted. I hated the idea of them together. I loved Freddie. But I shook the thought away as Carly held me tighter and cried louder. I didn't have the heart to tell her this was my fault, so I hugged her back and cried with her, just like the time Freddie and Spencer pulled us up from the window washers platform two years ago, only this time Freddie wasn't there to smile at us.


Carly released me and led me back to Spencer and Mrs. Benson. Spencer hugged me tightly; Mrs. Benson didn't even notice I was there. We sat in silence for what seemed like days. The cafeteria was nearby and I could smell cooking ham. Normally I would be in there buying all the ham I could, but today I couldn't even think about eating, and the smell was upsetting my stomach.

After what felt like an eternity, a plump nurse walked into the waiting room. "Fredward Benson?" she called out. My head snapped up and my heart started racing.

"Yes?" Spencer answered, standing up. Carly followed suit.

"This way please." she said before turning around and heading down a hallway. I walked slowly behind Mrs. Benson, still weighted by the guilt that felt like I was pregnant with four cinder blocks.

"How's he doing?" Mrs. Benson asked in a throaty whisper.

The nurse turned and looked at her with sad eyes. "I'll let the doctor explain."

Mrs. Benson turned a shade whiter, but remained silent. Tears threatened my eyes again. My Freddie.

When we finally reached his room, the tears I had been fighting spilled over and I had to bite down on my lip to keep from crying out.

Freddie's eyes were closed, and were rimmed with red and dark purple shadows. His thick, chocolate brown hair was in disarray and he was so pale, his full and beautiful lips almost white. Thick bandages and bloodstained gauze covered his arms from his wrists to the crooks of his elbows. A wire ran from his chest to a heart monitor that beeped quietly in the background. I stared at him, almost willing him to open his eyes and smirk at me in that annoyingly cute way of his. He didn't move. Why wasn't he moving?

Carly and Mrs. Benson each reached for his hands and held them as they cried. I couldn't move. I stood frozen at the foot of Freddie's

A faint smell of ham. People crying. Someone holding my hands. I can't move. Shadows. I couldn't see very well through the fog.

Bed. Spencer stood behind me solemnly, his hand on my shoulder.

A doctor walked in and cleared his throat. We all turned to look at him. He didn't meet any of our eyes and spoke to the floor" we found him in time to save him but were not sure for how long." he shuffled his feet slightly. I was getting annoyed with him.

"Spit it out!" I snapped. The doctor blinked at me. "He slipped into a coma 20 minutes ago."

Mrs. Benson began screaming at the same moment Carly fainted. Spencer rushed to Carly's side while the doctor hit a button on the wall and

My mother screaming. Something hitting the floor.

Two more doctors hurried in, and together they half led half carried Mrs. Benson out of the room while Spencer followed with Carly's limp body in his arms. They seemed to have forgotten I was here, though I was happy to be left alone with him. I waited until Mrs. Bensons screams faded entirely before I walked around to the side of his bed where Carly fainted.

The smell of ham growing stronger.

I stared at his face and ran my fingers through his thick hair, trying to smooth it out I sat on the bed and took his limp fingers gingerly in my own. I felt my heart break as I stroked his hand with my thumb. I was so cruel to him I drove him to try and kill himself. Even if he did pull through I would never deserve him.

Someone holding my hand, a slight yellow tinge to the fog.

"Freddie," I mumbled


"Freddie wake up." my voice cracked and I began sobbing harder that I ever had in my life. "Please wake up." I gasped over and over.

I listened to her cry, fighting as hard as I could through the fog. I know I should hate her. But I love her. I forgave her the minute she said it. The only thing that hurt was the fact that no one will ever love you means I will never love you. But I'm passed that. I was only focused on getting to the surface so I could make Sam stop crying. I hated hearing her so broken. I wanted to hold her, kiss her, and tell her it was all going to be okay.

I don't know how long I cried over him when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see the nervous doctor from earlier. I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Visiting hours are over miss" he said. "You need to go home."

No. you can't leave

"No" I blurted out, my voice high and panicky. "Please let me stay with him" I turned to look back at Freddie. "I don't want to leave him alone."

Please stay Sam

The doctor searched my face before sighing. "This is strictly against policy, but I suppose we can let you stay for tonight." he glanced at Freddie's pale face, then at my fingers entwined with his on his chest. "I want you to know we may lose him." he added softly. I couldn't speak. Freddie's heart monitor beeped quietly. I forced myself to nod, just so he would leave. He turned and turned off the lights before

The fog went from white to black.

Closing the door behind him and leaving Freddie and me in the dark. One he did, I began crying all over again.

Please stop crying Sam.

I lifted his unmoving fingers to my face and pressed his palm against my cheek.

Something smooth and damp, Sam's face. I tried to move my fingers, to wipe away her tears and make her stop crying.

"I'm so sorry Freddie." I whispered. "For everything I said yesterday.

Don't be. I love you.

For making you do this to yourself.

That wasn't your fault Sam.

And about every time I beat you up.

I didn't care.

And about every other cruel thing I've ever done to you since the last time I apologized, when we…" I stopped. Took a deep breath.


Kissed" I murmured, running my thumb over his cracked and dry lips. "I'm sorry I told you no one will ever love you. I lied." My breath hitched slightly "I love you."

I love you so much Sam.

I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his.

She's kissing me. I shot closer to the surface of the fog. I tried my hardest to kiss her back, but still couldn't move. So close to the surface. Sam. The feeling of her mouth and its sweet familiarity. I missed this. My heart skipped a beat.

His heart monitor skipped. I pulled away and looked at it, frightened.

She pulled away; I sank back into the fog.

It stalled again and then took up its taunting rhythm once again. I sighed, placed my head on his chest and curled up next to him. I listened to his heartbeat mingling with the heart monitor. Eventually, I slept.

"Sam." Someone stroking my hair. "Sam wake up." Someone shaking my shoulder. "Sam I have bacon." Carly dangled the piece of meat in front of my face. Out of habit, I grabbed it, though I didn't really want it, so I just nibbled at it. I sat up, forgetting where I was. The beeping of the heart monitor reminded me. I turned around to look at Freddie. He hadn't moved from last night.

"The doctors are on there way up to see how he's doing." Carly said quietly, running her hand through his hair, messing it up again. She sat next to me and placed her head on my shoulder. She looked awful, her long hair in tangles and her eyes sunken in and swollen. I placed my head on hers.

"It's going to be fine Carls." I tried to assure myself more then her. She nodded softly and turned to stare at Freddie.

"Why would he do this?" She whispered brokenly, near tears again. My guilt washed over me again. I opened my mouth to tell her about our fight, but at that moment, Freddie's heart monitor stopped beating. Carly and I stood and faced the machine. Carly turned white, and I stopped breathing. Then, the long uninterrupted beep neither of us wanted to hear.

"Freddie!" I screamed at the same moment Carly screamed "no!" Carly ran out to find a doctor. I grabbed Freddie's face in my hands. "Wake up Freddie wake up!" I screamed. "Come on nub wake up!" I kissed him. "Please!" My tears made his lips taste salty. I kissed him over and over. "Freddie please!" I sobbed.

Carly rushed in with two doctors, one who pulled me away from Freddie, and one who had those crazy shocky things you only see in movies. The doctor handed me to Carly who held me back as the doctors opened Freddie's hospital gown to reveal his chest.

"Clear." The doctor shocked Freddie.

`"Clear." I watched his body jerk repeatedly.

"Clear." Again. This was killing me. Each "clear" was like a knife in my heart. I closed my eyes, not wanting to watch.

"Clear," the shocky things were lowered again.

"Wait," came a throaty whisper. I stopped crying. Silence. "Sam." The same whisper. Freddie. I opened my eyes and saw him smirking at me. I tore free of Carly's arms and rushed to him, knocking a doctor out of the way.

"Freddie!" I threw my arms around him and cried into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me and held me closer. I could hear Carly on the phone with Spencer, screaming that Freddie was awake. "I'm so sorry Freddie." I continued to cry.

"Sam shhh Sam its okay." He pulled my face up and stared into my eyes with his beautiful brown ones. "It's okay. I love you Sam."

"I love you too Freddie" I whispered. I leaned forward and kissed him and he kissed me back this time. I pulled away and hugged him again, afraid to let him go. I felt his heart beating against my chest and smiled.

"I love you." I heard him whisper one more time.

"Always" I answered.