Song fic. 'If I could turn back the hands of time' by R Kelly. Please review. Paul is OOC Sorry =/
This is a dedication to my lovable Grandma who died on the 8th of February :( I really miss her. She was always there for me through thick and thin. Love you Forever 3
If I Could Turn Back The Hands Of Time
How, did I ever, let you slip away
Never knowing, I'll be singing this song someday
I shuddered as the cold, icy raindrops soaked me, head to foot. My shoes were making squelching noises along the wet path. The roads were deserted, and quiet. It was just me walking home to my house, the house that held my memories...The only memories of her. Of course I would never forget her, no one would. She was the only one I would ever love, and I didn't get to tell her how I felt. Sure, I had lived with her for over a year, but I never really told her I love her. We were only living together as friends, but we could have been more. We could have taken our relationship higher. High above the sky. Higher than the universe. Higher than it already was...But fate didn't let that happen. Fate just wanted to make me depressed, alone, unhappy...for the rest of my life.
...Dawn Berlitz...That stunning name still brought shivers down my back.
I was always thinking of her, there hasn't been a time that I haven't. I believed that she was watching over me, helping me to go on with my life. But it was hard. Almost impossible. I could feel her beside me, touching me, I could hear her whispers. I knew that ever since she died, it was going to be hard to continue without her. But somehow I've survived two weeks and a day so far. That was longer than I thought I could.
Yet, everyone kept telling me that 'everything happens for a reason'. But I didn't agree. Not all things happen for a reason. I couldn't find a reason for Dawn's death. I was just unlucky. I was an unlucky guy who lost the most precious girl to my heart. Fate has made this happen.
She was gone, and there was no way I could bring her back.
And now I'm sinking, sinking to rise some more
Ever since you, closed the door
The wind rushed past me as I turned the corner, making my dark brown hair get even messier, not that I cared – Dawn said I looked better with uncombed hair anyway. The next street was just as quiet. I could have easily heard a pin drop. But I was too deep in my thoughts to even notice.
Out of all the years I could have told her. But no, I just...Chickened out. I was afraid that she didn't love me back. I practically waisted my time trying to find a way to tell her, not knowing there was a deadline. Not knowing that I wouldn't succeed in telling her. I could had just told her straight, at least she would have known that I love her. But that was the problem; she had left this world without a trace of knowing. And there was no way I could tell her now. It was like there was a window between us, or like a closed door, locked and impossible to open.
I turned yet another corner and stopped suddenly. There, in front of me, was the place where it happened...the place where she...died.
I was so caught up in my thoughts that I somehow walked here...The place of hell...The place where I lost the person I loved the most...The person that will always have room in my heart.
I could remember seeing her in the hospital. But I hated that memory, I hated seeing her sad, and hurt. It just broke my heart even worse. My heart was ripped down the middle, it felt like it had been taken away from my body. She was my other half. She completed me in ways that I could never Imagen. It was just the thought that I would never get to see her again...see her smile...see her glowing blue eyes looking at me for the last time...see her happy again.
If I could turn...Turn back the hands of time.
Then my darling you'd, still be mine.
If I could turn...Turn back the hands of time
Then by darling you'd, you'd still be mine
The way she looked at me made my heart skip for joy. I knew I was in love with her, it was that feeling in my stomach; butterflies dancing around and trying to make the words come out my mouth. But the words didn't come...They were stuck. Lost forever, and so was my happiness. Gone, without a trace. Words could not explain how much I missed her. Heck, there were no words to describe how I felt. I loved her more than the number of the stars, the stars that shone like her eyes.
I walked over to the middle of the road, the exact place her head touched the tar. Puddles splashed and the rain got even heavier. It was like the heavens above were crying too, each tear drop landing on the road calling for her to come back. I stood there, looking at the place where she got hurt. The place that her blood spread along with her pain and worry. The place were she had her last moments.
Her funeral was last week. I remembered watching her coffin being lifted down in the hole that was dug for her, flowers were being placed at the bottom, and sad whispers were heard around me. But those whispers felt far away, they felt distant, even the people around me felt like they weren't even there. Like it was just me...Me looking upon her grave....Alone. Feeling absolute hell.
Then that week struggled on, it felt like time was going slow motion, like it was only going slow to make me fall into the pit of depression....Trapping me...
Funny...funny how time goes by,
And blessings are missed,
In a wink of an eye
I could remember May walking up and hugging me, she was one of Dawn's best and closest friends, but she knew nothing of how I felt...nothing at all... She wouldn't know how it would feel to lose someone and not being able to tell them you're feelings, after all she had Drew.
I could remember seeing the last inch of the coffin before being lowered to the very bottom and the people walking back to the car park slowly. But I was standing there, unable to believe that I had lost her forever. Unable to see the point of living without her.
I had lost my hope and happiness that day. I just had to believe that my worse nightmare had just become reality. Living hell.
oooh why oh why oh why
should one, have to go on suffering
I knew Dawn wouldn't want me to suffer, she wanted me to go on and live my life to the fullest. But how could I do that? How could I just move on and only live with the memories of her? I wanted her to come back to life. I wanted to hold her in my arms, to smell her apple scented hair, to kiss her softly on the lips. All those things I was eager to do. But I was unable to make them happen. Never in my life had I wanted anything this much. She was important to me. She was my angel made from perfect heaven.
'Love each day as if it was you're last.' - that's probably what she would say to me right now. But I've never taken her catchphrases seriously. I mean how am I supposed to 'Love each day'? I just...couldn't...not without her.
When everyday I plead
Please come back to me
I knew from then on - after all the pleading and wishing I had done - that she would never be able to come back to life. I had lost hope....and I had lost Dawn. Yet, there was a part of me that wishes I was up there with her, and that part was getting bigger and wider everyday. So wide in fact that I was tempted to comet suicide. But still that wouldn't solve anything. No one knew what would happen when we die. Do we go to Heaven? Hell? Maybe somewhere totally different? Or possibly nowhere? Who knows, but I was certain that Dawn wouldn't want me to kill myself. I didn't have the guts to do it anyway. I was just weak. Scared. I just didn't have the bravery.
"Ash?" That voice caught me off guard, I turned quickly. There was a figure about four meters away. It was hard to see since it was so dark and miserable...like I was feeling.
"Who's there?" I asked, yet my voice sounded strange, weird...different out of all the other time I've talked. I squinted my eyes to focus, but it was no use. The rain was still crying from the heavens.
"It's Paul, stupid," I heard a rough reply. Indeed it was Paul's voice, but what was he doing outside in the pouring rain?
If...I could turn...turn back the hands of time
Then my darling you...you would be mine
"What are you doing out here?" I asked him. I still couldn't exactly see the purple headed trainer, only the dark outline I guessed was his.
"I'm out here to train, what did you think I was doing?" He snarled, I still didn't know what his problem was, just a bad attitude I guess. "At least I'm not waisting my time standing on the spot looking like a complete loser," His voice was strong and clear, but at that moment I didn't really care what he had to say. I knew it was all true...
"You're training you're Pokemon in this weather?" I questioned, glaring at my rival, good thing he couldn't actually see my face with the weather this bad. Arceus knows what he would do.
"Yes, why? Is that illegal?" He snarled. His tone of voice wanted me to punch every inch of his face just so I could wipe that ugly glare away. But yet, my bones felt heavy and unmovable. So I just stood on the spot, trying to control my anger. But out of all the emotions I'm feeling right now, depression would be the main one. Depression of losing Dawn.
If I could turn...turn back the hands of time
Then my darling you...would still be mine
"Did I say it was?" I snarled back, I was trying to say it in the same tone as his but that was impossible. We all know that no one could be as grumpy and heartless as that load of shit.
I could almost hear him growl in annoyance, but it was muffled by the wind and rain. Then he chuckled.
"No, but an idiot like you would sure believe that it is," I heard him say as a reply, and start to walk away. "Why don't you just run along to Troublesome? Like you always do." He called back, even though there was about five meters distance space between us now, I heard that loud and clear.
"Her name is Dawn...And no I can't do that anymore," I said stiffly, I was squeezing my fists tightly. I was listening for any sound from him, then I heard him stop in his tracks, and the stones on the ground made a screeching sound - obviously turning.
"How? Has she finally seen how pathetic you are?" He laughed. "It's about time. Three years and I thought she would have noticed on the first day!" His voice was echoing around the street. His laughter was not long after it. I suddenly lost control and quickly strode over to him.
"No she didn't actually," I called back, I could feel the anger and hatred boiling in my blood. I was ready to hurt any part of his body I could, just to see him suffer after what he had just said. I was wanting to release all the anger I had been keeping from him for years.
"Really?" Paul said, still standing in the same spot watching me make my way over to him. I could hear the disbelieve in his voice. "Surely she can't be dumber than she looks? Well why don't we go and find her now? I want to ask that question. It's been haunting me for a while." He sneered. I stopped in a sudden halt. My heart was slowing down, like everything was slowing down.
And you had enough love
For the both of us
But I...I did you wrong
Admit I did
"We can't," I said slowly, I could now see Paul clearly. His purple hair was drenched and his hands were deep in his pockets. I saw him raise an eyebrow in suspicion. "She's....She's...." I couldn't get the next word out, it was stuck in my throat. I didn't want to say it.
"Spit it out, I don't have all day!" Paul yelled. I was looking beyond him. Still dreaming about Dawn's beautiful, smiling face and what it would have been like if she was still alive. Would it have been different? Would I have told her my feelings for her already? What would we have been doing at this very moment?
Paul was still looking at me with confusion written over his face, the rain was getting harder and heavier as every second ticked by on the clock.
"She's...dead..." I replied as I saw Paul's eyes widen in shock. The word 'dead' stabbed me in the heart, making it shatter into tiny pieces. "Died on this very road...and she won't ever be able to come back," I said, a tear escaping my dark, brown eye. Paul didn't say anything, just staring at me. Probably studying my face to check if I was being truthful. There was silence for a few seconds, as I knew Paul was trying not to take me seriously.
Then I saw him nod his head and turn round to walk away before saying "We'll never forget her...that's the main thing Ash."
But now, I'm facing
the rest of my life alone
I watched him go, never in my life had I heard anything like that from him. It sounded weird with his voice. I thought he would say something stupid, but no...maybe he's...changed? Maybe he really did care! Was there a part of him that was still to be discovered? Arceus knows.
The purple headed man continued to walk way, his hands were still tightly scrunched in his pockets and he let his purple bangs drop over his face. Was he...sad?
His figure was hardly in view now. The rain had started to blow into my face making it hard for me to see. I bowed my head and started to walk the other direction. But not the way to my house...the way to the graveyard.
I was walking slowly, looking at the ground under me. I have the rest of my life to suffer through without her. I was alone. I would never love anyone more than her. Never. When I heard she got hit by that car, my heart had stopped beating, and then when they announced her dead, I practically died. It was like my heart would never beat again.
I was blaming myself for her death, I was the one who should have been with her. Protecting her. Making sure she wouldn't get hit by that car. So it was my fault. All me. No one else...just me.
I wish I could turn back time, to have a chance at saving her.
ooooh wow oooh
If I could turn...turn back the hands of time
I opened the graveyard gates with shaky hands. I stepped through and walked up the little rocky path. It was really dark now, and the gravestones looked ever scarier than in daylight. I knew exactly where Dawn's one was, since I had been there everyday. It was like my legs just carried me there.
Two minutes later I was looking at her gravestone, I knew the words engraved on it off by heart. There were brightly coloured flowers in wreaths and hearts placed neatly around it by friends and family. Even though it was dark out, the flowers seemed to glow. The ones I gave her were placed in the very middle; blue iris flowers. Her favourite. They always remind me of her sapphire eyes, always lurking with happiness and excitement. But the last time I gazed into them they were filled with sadness and worry and I hated seeing her suffer. It broke my heart even more when I saw her crying.
I bent down and ran my fingers along the side of the smooth, grey surface. A tear travelled down my pale face and dropped to the ground. I sighed, live would never be the same without her.
I could remember her dressed in her cheer leading outfit, cheering me on in my gym battles. But it was always her that caught my eye. I wanted to impress her.
Then my darling you...you would be mine
oooh if I could turn...
Turn back the hands of time
then my darling you'd still be mine
What have I done to get all this bad luck? What have I done to lose her forever? Why did she have to die?
Those questions would never be answered, and it was those questions that I was eager to know. The only questions. But they will just be ignored.
"Ash, I knew you'd be here," A sad voice said behind me. I looked in that direction and spotted May standing just a meter away. Her sorrow eyes filled with worry.
"M-May?" I stuttered. I was shivering from the cold and the icy raindrops. She walked over to me as I stood up. "How did you know where I was?" I asked her. She stopped in front of me and looked down at the gravestone.
"You're mum said that she's been trying to call you're house phone for a while. I visited you're house to see if you were OK," She replied, "And you weren't there, so this was the only place I knew you would be." I looked at the grave as well. The silence was drifting among us, until I broke it.
"Oh," I said, "well I jus-"
"I know how you feel Ash," May interrupted, looking at me and then looking back at the grave, "I miss her too." I looked at her. The point was; no one knew how I felt.
"No, you don't know how I feel!" I said angrily. "You don't know how it feels to lose someone you haven't confessed to. You know nothing of how it feels to think that Dawn had left this world without knowing that I love her. You don't know how it feels to look you're self in the mirror and see the guilt and sorrow wash over you're face every morning!" I shouted at her. I could see tears starting to form in her eyes. "And you know nothing of how it feels to be alone..." I finished. She was staring at me. I regret shouting at her as I knew May had her little tempers, and I didn't want to deal with that at the moment. But instead she just carried on looking at me.
ooh I'd never hurt you
(if I could turn back)
"A-Ash..." May said after a long and uncomfortable silence. "You're not alone, you'll never be alone...because you still have you're friends and family there to guide you through the darkness, even when things aren't going as you wished," She paused and wiped a tear away from her eye. "I know it will be hard to carry on without Dawn...But she would want us to be strong, right? Remember her catchphrase?" May gave a small chuckle, "'Love each day as if it were our last', see Ash? She would want us to do that." I looked to the ground. I knew she was right. Dawn would want us to do that. She would hate so see us all sad and unhappy for the rest of our lives. That would just make herself depressed. "And Ash?" I looked up to see her giving me a small smile, "How come you've never told me that you like her, huh?" I smiled in return and rolled my eyes.
"I just thought you would tell her," I croaked as a reply. "I should have told her when I had the chance." I heard May sniff.
"Oh Ash, you're so stupid sometimes," She sighed. "Oh well, she knows now." She said, I looked at her in confusion.
"What do you mean?" I asked her, she scratched her head sheepishly. A nervous smile made it's way across her face.
"Er...Well, I kinda knew that you liked her, so I...I, er, told her," May replied slowly, looking at my face. "And she's hearing it from you right now, because she's watching over us." I thought this over and smiled.
"Yeah, I suppose she'll like it there in Heaven, don't you think?" I said. "And how did you know?" I questioned quickly and anxiously.
"It was obvious Ash," She giggled while wiping the last tear from her eye. I looked down at Dawn's grave again. Well at least she knew. I sighed.
"Did she say anything about me when you told her?" I asked, looking up. May looked at me and smiled.
"She said that she felt the same way, Ash," May said slowly. I was shocked. Dawn loved me back? It was unbelievable. So unreal. So she hadn't left this world without knowing my feelings for her. All thanks to May. "I know I shouldn't have told her, but it was so cute that I ju-"
"Thanks May," I said, smiling at her, she stopped her rambling and gazed at me with confusion.
"You're not mad?" She asked. I rolled my eyes.
"Of course I'm not mad, I'm glad that she actually knew that I love her, even though it wasn't the way I wanted her to find out," I replied. May nodded.
Never do you wrong
And never leave your side
Turn back the hands
(if I could turn back)
May gave me a watery smile before saying gently, "Let's go Ash, It's getting late." I nodded and looked down at Dawn's grave.
"I love you," I whispered. Just then a gush of wind rushed past me, and I could almost hear a faint 'I love you too, Ash,' as a reply. Was I just imagining it? I must have been. But it felt so...real?
May and I started to walk down the rocky path towards the gate. It was quiet, leaves were rustling with the wind and car noises could be heard a short distance away.
"I met Paul not long ago," I said, trying to start a conversation. May looked at me.
"Isn't that the guy you're always complaining about?" She asked, confused. I gave her a short nod and carried on explaining.
"Yeah, I told him that Dawn had died, and then he said the strangest thing ever." I replied, "He said 'We'll never forget her...that's the main thing Ash.' I never thought he would say that. Maybe he's changed." May watched me curiously.
"Weird, yesterday you said he was 'the biggest jerk you could ever lay eyes on'," May quoted. I chuckled and scratched my head.
"Yeah, well I still think he's a jerk but I would never have thought he would say something kind for once." I replied, we walked out the gates and faced each other.
"Don't worry Ash, everything will be alright, OK?" May said quietly, I nodded, showing her that I understood.
"I'll see you tomorrow then," I replied to her, she gave me a small smile and a thumbs up as she headed in the direction to her home. No doubt Drew will be wondering were she's been. I turned and walked to my house. May's words had truly sunk in, and I wasn't feeling so bad. Well, OK, that was a lie, but maybe fate had made it so that Dawn had found out that I love her this way. Was this just the plan we were destined to follow? If it was, then....How would I die in the future? Old age? Cancer? A car crash, like Dawn? No one knew what the future would turn out to be, and that scared me.
Then what I thought before...'Everything happens for a reason,' could that just be an understatement? Or true? Dawn found out this way because Fate had made it happen. It just feels so weird that we all have out own paths to follow. Each little decision you make can effect the future and you're path. It's like trees, all those little roots lead in different directions, all leading to different futures.
I suddenly realised that I had arrived at my street. All this thinking must be like a car, lifting me off my feet and dumping me at the place I was willing to get to. I pulled out my keys from my pocket and opened the door. The heat from my house greeted me happily. I walked through to the kitchen while taking my wet jacket off at the process, and I sat down on the stool. I glanced at the clock.
If I...could just turn back the little clock on the wall
(if I could turn back)
May was right, it was late. I hadn't realised I had taken a long time getting home. I sighed. I still felt terrible as I stayed seated in my seat. Each sound made was counting down the time we have left in this world. The silence lingered, the ticking of the clock echo's in the room. I was quiet happy that May told Dawn I loved her. At least she knew. May said that she loved me back, what it true? After all this time of trying to impress her, she was trying to impress me? If she didn't die, we could have been a couple, we could have been happier. When we were older, we could have been married, had children.
I shook my head, no. That was a bit to far. Heck, was Dawn that special someone I've been hoping for? Arceus knows. It just felt rightbeing with her. Like we were bonded by something special...something unique. We were perfectly fitted together by that bond. Fitted like a jigsaw, and no one could separate us.
The word was so unbelievably true. So strong, and...special. Yes, it may be complex but it was a good feeling. Happy.
I made a mistake, I should have told Dawn myself, not May. I should have done it. Me.
Then I'd come to realize
How much I
(if I could turn back)
And knowing that Dawn loved be back, kept my heart beating. It kept it full, and pieced together.
So I want people to learn from my mistakes...to tell that person you love them, because, before you know it, there may just be a deadline...
It would mean the world to me if you reviewed x