by: A psycho chibi named Wendy
Disclaimer: I don't own em. I just like playing with them. Tee hee.
Warnings: Lots and lots of bad language, as would be expected of pirates. Yaoi fluff and several not so subtle dirty puns.
Pairing: Sanji x Zoro
Summary: Sanji finally snaps and barricades himself in the kitchen after the others take advantage of it one time too many. Zoro didn't care what blondie did. Until Usopp makes a sudden discovery that drives Zoro to the brink of madness. His only hope? Sanji.
Author Rant: Woot, my first One Piece fic. I don't care if anyone reads this. I had a blast writing it.
Note: I'm taking a few liberties with the ship layout. Occurs before the gang meets up with the Foxy pirates. Starts out in Zoro's POV.
*edited note* I found the double punctuation thing too irritating to ignore, so I found a way to fix it. It may look odd, but I likes my ?!s too much.
It started out just like any other day, really.
I was on rep 652 working with my weights on deck, watching Usopp fill chopper's head with more lies.
"Really?! All 500 with just your eyebrows?!" Chopper gasped, his eyes wide and sparkling.
Sometimes I wonder what that quack doc and the witch lady did to the poor kid. Then again Luffy usually believed that long nosed idiot too. I dunno. I guess it doesn't do any real harm.
Nami and Robin were actually working together over some old maps we found at the last island above the helm.
Luffy was being his normal self around lunch time.
"Saaanjiiii! I want meat!"
Only thing different was that pervy cook's response.
"Tough shit, Captain, my captain."
I tried not to laugh at the way Luffy's jaw literally hit the floor. "Whaaaat?! Why not?!" he whined loudly.
I looked to Sanji. He was leaning against the closed door to his precious kitchen, puffing away at another cigarette. "Because, dearest captain..." He took a long drag off his cigarette and tapped off the ashes, purposely drawing out the moment. Then I saw a dark expression in his eye a split instant before the toe of his boot cracked Luffy's jaw and forced it back to it closed position. Pretty hard too since it made Luffy's head extend upwards about a foot tethered to his rubbery neck. "YOU fuckin ate it all!" he snapped with a heated glare.
Now this pulled a response from me. "He ate all the meat again?! When?!"
Sanji shrugged, but he was obviously irritated. "All I know is that last night I had enough to last us to the next island... I can't say that NOW."
I found myself chucking one of my weights at my idiot captain. "Dammit, why did you do that again?!"
"WAAH!" Was Luffy's first response as he ducked. "I didn't mean to! I.. I just got really hungry..." he whined while crouching down and poking absently at the deck.
I couldn't stop from growling, but instead I look back to the cook. "Do we have ANYTHING left?"
That blonde head nodded. "That's it. I have enough so we don't starve, but I may commit bloody murder to toss in some variety." He looked at me strangely, raking his eye over me slowly. "I think all that muscle would be too tough and dry..."
I raised an eyebrow, and was about to snap when that cook started looking at Luffy. He got a weird grimace on his face. "You'd be chewy as hell, so you're out too."
"Yay! I don't get eaten!" Luffy cheered idiotically.
Sanji seemed to snort in a combination of amusement and annoyance. Understandable. He then looked over to the oblivious Usopp and Chopper. "While I wouldn't mind some venison, we need a doctor, so no Chopper chops..."
"Whaaaat?" Chopper immediately yelped before he ran to hide behind Usopp. The wrong way, of course.
He didn't bother to answer, but then his eye focused on a very confused marksman. "I guess it's gonna be you, Usopp. Shit... I'm gonna hafta marinate the hell outta your scrawny ass.. But I guess it'll be edible."
"Wh-what?! Why are you gonna eat me?" longnose nearly screeched. So noisy...
"Because..." Sanji took another drag. I don't see how he can breathe that stuff in so deep. "You're the only thing that I deem worth filleting. You should really feel honored. I try to only serve the best cuts." Leave it to that bastard to make cannibalism seem stylish.
That idiot longnose was actually close to tears as his knees shook. He couldn't seriously think that pervy cook would chop him up. Although one look at the irritation on Sanji's face did make me wonder. It had to piss a cook off when his ingredients kept getting swiped. Kinda defeats the point of a cook if he has nothing to cook with.
Curly brows then looked up to the deck above the helm, and he did that thing where little pink hearts started circling his head. Still don't know how he does that.
"Oh Nami-swan~! Robin-chan~! How would you like your Usopp cooked?"
That sounded way too cheery for something that evil.
Neither of the girls bothered to look away from their work. "I want something spicy." Nami said quite casually. Of course she wouldn't mind eating another person.
I'm on a ship full of lunatics.
"Some cultures say that human brains are the most coveted delicacies." Robin just tipped the loony scale.
"I wanna eat his nose!" Luffy declared with an oddly determined look on his face. Yeah, Luffy's the craziest bastard here.
To my surprise, but I guess it shouldn't have, the psycho cook actually had a notepad out and was writing down their suggestions. "Alright... Spicy, brains, and nose... You want anything, Chopper?"
"No! No.. I'm.. I'm fine with potatoes..." Chopper squeaked as he started backing away.
"Suit yourself." That blue eye focused back on me. Dammit, why is hair always plastered over his left one? "What about you, Shitty swordsman?"
I frowned, but then I took a hard look at Usopp. It was disgusting, but I was enjoying watching him about to shit himself. "Usopp jerky."
The pervy cook grinned evilly as he wrote it down. "Excellent choice, sir. That would last longer too. I might do that with any parts I can't use."
"But I don't wanna be jerky! OW! Luffy, quit chewing on my leg!"
"Bug ah wan meeeag!" How the hell did Luffy's mouth cover an entire leg?
Sanji suddenly closed his notepad and grinned. "Alrighty! Come on, Usopp! Time to die for the survival of your crew~!" God, he said that too sweetly. He even walked over, removed Luffy from Usopp's leg, then grabbed the idiot by the nose and drug him to the galley. "Say goodbye to everyone. Die with honor and pride in the knowledge you will have given them the strength to live. HAHAHAHA!"
Right, that was creepy.
That psycho chef then literally threw Usopp into the galley and walked in after him. Closing door behind him.
"Um... He's not gonna REALLY kill and cook Usopp... is he...?" Chopper asked nervously.
Luffy cackled with laughter. "Ha! Of course not. Sanji's joking around with us. He'd never do something like tha-"
"WAHH! Sanji! Please don't! Put that knife down! AAHH!" There was a horrible crashing sound that had all of us staring. Then the galley opened briefly with Usopp trying to bolt out. "For the love of everything holy! Please save meee!" Before he could escape, a hand wrapped tightly around his neck and roughly drug him back inside. The door slammed shut, and more crashes followed. "Sanji! Please! I'll do anything! Anything! No.. No! Gyaaah!" A high pitched scream was immediately followed by the sound of a knife piercing flesh.
We were all frozen with shock. Even Nami and Robin were looking over the railing towards the Galley. "You.. You don't think he really...?" Nami's voice quivered.
At that moment the galley door opened and Sanji stepped out. Wiping blood from his hands and bright red splatters covering the white apron he was wearing. There was a bright grin on his face. "Dinner will be served in one hour!"
"Sanji! How could you?!" Luffy cried out sharply. He bolted forward and tackled our cook hard to the floor. He pinned Sanji there and glared at him. "How could you do that to Usopp?!"
"Do what to me?"
"Kill you and cook you. Weren't you paying attention, Usopp?" Luffy barely realized what he had heard, but then shot his attention to the galley table.
There, grinning while sipping a cup of tea, was that longnosed idiot.
"Usopp! But..." Luffy looked down at the smirking cook. "Where did this blood come from?"
Not moving from the spot Luffy tackled him, the pervy cook snorted and poked the forehead above him hard. "I was able to find one last fish in the barrels. Now get offa me."
It was funny watching Luffy scramble to return Sanji to a standing position. I hate to admit it, but it was a pretty good joke. Even had me going for a few seconds. Very few.
The cook dusted himself off nonchalantly, and immediately snatched the back of Luffy's shirt when he started walking into the galley. He lifted him up and gave bland stare. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Um.. To wait for meat...?" Luffy offered with a lopsided grin. God he's hopeless.
"Oh no you don't." Sanji prodded our captain in the nose and actually growled. "You have already eaten more than your fair share. Until we reach port, if you want meat, you're gonna hafta catch it your damn self."
"Whaaat? WAAH!" As I watched Luffy sail through the air, I have to admit those kicking skills do impress me. Sometimes.
"You don't come back in my kitchen until you bring back enough to replace what you ate!"
I kinda like it when Sanji's pissed. When he's all lovey dovey with the girl's he's annoying, but pissed Sanji is usually funny. And a good sparring partner.
Usopp started laughing in the galley while sipping at his tea. "Man, Sanji, you're awesome. That joke was great."
Sanji flicked the ash off his cigarette and snorted. "What joke? I was being serious. If we run out of food, you get cooked first." He gestured to where Luffy was clinging to the mainsail. "I noticed the scratches on the cabinet locks. Last time I checked, Luffy couldn't pick locks... Unless you wanna be served with your guts replaced with potatoes, I suggest you help our captain." He was even twirling a knife absently in his right hand.
Usopp paled and made a mad dash out of the galley. "Luffy! Hurry up and find the fishing rods!"
When I looked back Sanji was still twirling the knife in his hand as he watched the goofy pair running around like crazy. "You're really pissed at them, aren't you?"
The cook snorted and actually had the nerve to point the knife at me. "You'd be pissed too if all you had to look forward to was peeling potatoes for the next week. This is the last time my kitchen is ransacked..."
I tilted my head in intrigue. "What are you going to do?"
"After dinner I'm barring up everything. Even the door. No one comes in or out of my kitchen without my say so."
"Does that include us, Sanji dear?" Nami asked with her usual flirting gaze when she wanted the chef to comply.
I was expecting more frilly hearts, but to my great surprise, Sanji actually snorted in mild interest. "Especially the two of you..." He suddenly placed a glare on the girls. "Like I said, Luffy can't pick locks... But I know three people who can..." He lingered for a moment before he walked back to his kitchen. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to spend the next hour taking inventory. Anyone that disturbs me before I'm done gets my foot embedded in their skull..." The door then slammed violently, startling everyone.
I then put the pieces together and looked up at the girls who had obviously guilty expressions on their faces. "You've been taking food too?"
Robin rubbed lightly at the back of her neck. "We didn't think he would mind..."
This made me give a bark of laughter. "Ha! No wonder he's pissed... You idiots have been throwing off his inventory."
"Hey guys! I think I found something!" came Usopp's voice from the bow before the girls could reply.
Little did I know, this would be the beginning of the madness.
"Ladies and gentlemen! .. And Zoro..." Usopp snickered a bit at his joke before a growl from Zoro made him continue. "I'm proud to present the newest member of our crew! Say hello to Chibi Captain Usopp!"
The five gathered on deck stared in disbelief for a moment. There in Usopp's hands was a little tan and black rooster. It had large round eyes, long black feathers on its head and tail, and a ridiculously long skinny beak attached to its scrawny body. Its head darted around quickly as it took in its surrounding with a blank clueless stare.
"Well I'll be damned..." Luffy moved a bit closer to it and stared directly at the permanently shocked eyes. "It does look like Usopp..."
"But we're in the middle of the ocean. How the hell did a little rooster get all the way out here?" Nami asked as she reached out to the little bird. To her surprise the little rooster allowed her to pet the top of his head and seemed to nuzzle against her hand. "Aww.. It's such a sweetie... Where did you find him, Usopp?"
The marksman chuckled and held the bird closer. "That's the weirdest thing! I found him tied up in a bag floating in a wooden bucket."
"Weird indeed... Who would do that to such a little bird?" Robin questioned with a faint frown.
"Probably was supposed to be someone's dinner and got washed overboard." Zoro commented as he approached the bag resting on the deck that had contained the rooster. He had thought perhaps there would be some writing on the bag to identify the origin of it, but blinked when a piece of paper fell out of it when he picked it up. Taking the paper, his gaze narrowed when he saw bloodied finger prints all over it, and a hasty note scrawled on the surface. 'This bird is cursed. Your world as you know it will end... May god be merciful upon your soul...?' His eyes grew wide at the ominous threat.
"Um.. Guys? I think this bird may be ba-AAGH!" In a flurry of feathers and pecks, Zoro found himself being flogged by the tiny rooster. Before he could think to throttle the bird, its sharp claws ripped into the note. Not only tearing it, but pulling it out of Zoro's grip. "What the hell?!"
As soon as the attack started it ended with the note ripped to pieces and flying off the ship in the breeze. Zoro stared blankly for a moment before he pulled out one of his katana. "That little shit did that on purpose! He's dead!"
Before he could take a swing, Nami quickly scooped the bird up in her arms and glared at him. "You asshole! It's just a little bird. It obviously doesn't like you."
Zoro raised an eyebrow, but placed his katana back in its scabbard. "Since when have you cared about little annoying birds..?"
"You're the only one being annoying, Zoro." Nami huffed as she began taking the bird away. "Poor thing must be starving.. I think I have some bread left in our cabin. Let's feed him."
To Zoro's dismay, the entire crew left crooning and coddling the rooster. Chopper even offered to do a full exam on it to see if it was healthy. "What the hell was that?" He couldn't ponder for long when the rooster looked over Nami's shoulder at him. For a split second he could have sworn the bird's eyes narrowed and glowed bright red. "What the fuck?" The moment he blinked that blank stare was back in place as it was carried out of sight.
Although he was now very uneasy about this, he slapped his hand to his forehead and groaned deeply. "Dammit... It's gonna be one of those shitty weird trips again..."
He suddenly felt like hiding in the crows nest.
"That fucking bird is driving me insane!"
Growling deeply, Zoro paced back and forth on the deck rapidly, his hands trying to rip out his too short hair.
It had only been two days, and that annoying rooster had made his life a living hell. Not only did everyone coddle and treat it like a ship mascot, but the thing made a horrible screeching sound at random times throughout the day. Fittingly enough, it even sounded like Usopp.
What bothered Zoro the most was the fuckin bird was fast. Faster than him. It would appear out of nowhere and do that horrible crow. The moment Zoro would attempt to face it, the bird would be gone. Usually conveniently tucked away safe in someone's arms.
There was no place he was safe from that damn crow. The crow's nest. The sleeping quarters. The storage rooms. The fucking bathroom. Every place he would find that accursed bird taunting him.
And this time he knew he wasn't exaggerating. That rooster was targeting him. Specifically.
The worst part was that he couldn't focus on his training at all. Every time he would attempt anything, weights, pushups, sit ups, that bird would show up and either crow right in his ear, or try to peck his eyes out.
"Is there no where that's safe?" he asked in frustration to anything that would listen.
At that moment he felt something land on his head. His eye began twitching violently as he forced himself to look up. What met him was that blank wide eyed stare. "RAHHH!" His hands shot up to throttle the bird, but he only grabbed at air. "Dammit! Where did that little shit go?!"
Then he heard a piercing cry right next to his ear. "ROO-EROO-EROOOO!"
"GYAH!" The damn bird hand been right on his shoulder!
Zoro shot down the deck, swatting at his clothing and growling like a madman.
There had to be a safe place, but where? Where could he go the shitty bird wouldn't be able to get into? His mind then locked on the one place he hadn't see the bird. 'The kitchen!'
Ever since the episode where Sanji finally lost his temper, the cook had practically been living in the galley. He apparently wasn't trusting anyone, so placed locks on the inside of the kitchen door. Making it impossible to get inside without invitation.
It was the only place the rooster hadn't followed him.
Sprinting to the galley door, Zoro pounded on it desperately. "Sanji! Let me in!" He tried to make it sound more like an order than a plea, but the desperation was clear in his voice.
"Why do you want in?" came Sanji's muffled reply.
"I wanna get away from this damn bird!" He wasn't going to lie. He was wanting to hide. He wanted to run and hide from that psychotic bird. After pounding on the door a few more times he heard the locks being undone. The moment the door was cracked open enough, Zoro pounced inside. He nearly knocked over Sanji in his haste to slam the door shut and relock everything.
"Oi! What the hell.. I offer you asylum, and you treat me like that?" Sanji grunted as he straightened out his pinstripe shirt. His curly eyebrow quirked up high when he saw the swordsman pressed back against the door with his eyes closed tightly and gasping heavily. "Um.. Is chicken little scarin' you that bad?"
Zoro let out a strangled growl. "I'm not scared, shithead! That bird is drivin me fuckin crazy!"
Sanji hummed lightly and lifted his left hand to examine the bandage wrapped around his palm. "I can understand that.. I haven't seen it yet, but that stupid crow made me jump enough to cut my hand while I was peeling potatoes." He looked back to the swordsman curiously. "Does it really look like Usopp?"
"Yes.. That may be the most irritating thing..." Zoro placed his calloused hands over his face and groaned in frustration. "This is so stupid.. Everyone else is treating that bird like a fuckin pet. No one will believe me when I tell them it keeps attacking me."
The cook couldn't keep the laugh out of his voice. "It's attacking you? The great Zoro struck down by a shitty Usopp bird! HA!"
Now pissed, Zoro was about to reach for one of his katana when a hard force slammed into his chest. He grunted at the slight pain in the center of his chest and looked down to see a black shoe planted there. Keeping him pinned. His gaze shot up, but he was surprised by the evil smirk that was on the cook's pale face. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
Sanji let out a low chuckle, leaning in a bit as he kept his foot in place. "I'm lettin you know the terms of your sanctuary here. This is my kitchen. So if you expect to hide in here from that shitty bird, you better do exactly as I say. Got that?"
Right eye twitching again, Zoro glared at the pervy cook. "And what makes you think I won't just kick your ass and chuck you out that door?"
The cook's smirk only grew wider. More sinister. "You ever mess with a cook in their element? I can kill you with everything in this room."
Zoro was about to call the cook's bluff, but then his eyes glanced to all of the knife blocks, iron pans, glasses, dishes, the stove, and other heavy blunt objects. To a person that knew how to use it, the kitchen was a torture chamber. Even a potato could be deadly, and made the swordsman think of highly unpleasant images. "Why do I get the feeling you've made good on that threat before...?"
"Hm.. Those instincts of yours are sharp as ever." Sanji leaned further forward until his chin was nearly past his knee. "It's one of the perks of being a professional chef. We know a lot about where vital points are... Tendons.. Arteries... Tender tissue.. How much force it takes to pierce flesh... Crush bone..." He pressed his foot a bit harder into the broad chest to place emphasis on his words.
The pressure was becoming painful, and Zoro knew a hard hit to the center of the chest from the cook would deal a lot of internal damage. However this darker side to the chef confused him. "What the hell is up with you? Why are you angry at everyone?" He was even acting indifferent to both the girls. Not one frilly heart had popped up from the blonde since this had started. Not for a lack of trying on the girls' part. They were flirting and making closer contact to him, but Sanji brushed all of it off. 'Something's seriously off..'
The smirk instantly fell to a frown as Sanji pulled away. "I can't stand people that take food without at least lettin me know.. It's the same as stealin." He turned away and moved to his table where his pack of cigarettes were. "I over look a lot of things, but I draw the line at stealin food.."
As a match was struck and a trail of smoke started to rise, Zoro found himself feeling a little concerned. "You've never seemed to mind when I broke into the liquor..."
"Booze isn't essential to survival. I can let that slide." Sanji took a long drag and breathed it in deep in a weak attempt to calm himself. He then let out the smoke slowly, his gaze cast to the floor. "I suppose you have a right to know.. Besides Chopper, you're the only one that hasn't just waltzed in and taken what you wanted.."
"Wait.. The right to know what? What's going on?" Zoro asked quickly.
A deep sigh left the cook as he hoisted himself to sit on the table. He puffed at his cigarette for a moment before he finally spoke. "I've known everyone's been takin stuff for a long time now.. It's getting to where I'm having to take inventory every other day."
Zoro blinked in surprise. "They have? Why haven't you said anything?"
Sanji lazily blew out a few smoke rings into the air. "I have. To everyone privately except you and Chopper. They knew that I was gettin tired of spending all my time counting up everything.. But they keep doing it. I don't have any other choice than to do this the hard way."
The blonde head nodded as that twisted smirk returned. "Everyone treats food so casually... Get too reckless and it can become deadly."
"What? You're gonna poison everyone?" Zoro asked sarcastically.
Sanji chuckled lightly. "Thought crossed my mind... But no, that would just be punishing Chopper in the long run."
The consideration impressed the swordsman. "Then what are you gonna do?"
"I'm gonna cut back drastically on what I prepare. No more lavish spreads if they don't appreciate how hard I try to keep up with everything." the cook grunted flatly. "Everyone's gettin bare minimum."
"Won't that just piss them off and raid the kitchen more?"
The cook took another drag, finishing up the cigarette. "Probably...." He crushed out the butt in the bowl on the table and reached for his pack. "However, like I said a couple days ago.. All we have are potatoes. Everyone's either gonna let me do my job, or fend for themselves." He gave a sly glance to his crew mate. "How much you like chompin down raw potatoes, Marimo?"
He was just fine with potato dishes, but only having raw ones to gnaw on made Zoro cringe slightly. "I get your point..."
"Fabulous." Sanji lit anther cigarette and looked back to the swordsman. It was then he noticed the crimson line rolling down his tan neck. "Hm, chicken little scratched your jaw. What's the deal? Why's it attacking you?"
Surprised, Zoro lifted his hand and found a long cut on the corner of his jaw. "That fuckin bird is gonna die!" he growled. He was about to go on, but he froze when he spotted that damned rooster staring through one of the portholes into the galley. "Grah! There it is! I'm gonna chop its head off!"
Sanji quickly shot his attention to the window his crew mate pointed out, but blinked in confusion. "There's nothing there..."
"It does that to me constantly! It'll follow me and just stare at me! Then when I point it out the little shit disappears when anyone looks!" Zoro snapped loudly. He was being pushed closer to the brink of madness every time he was caught in that bird's stupid stare.
"Wow.. That's fuckin creepy..." Sanji mused on a laugh.
"I know!" Zoro was suddenly thrown off his oncoming tangent when Sanji hopped off the table. "What are you doing?" he asked when the cook moved to one of the cabinets.
Opening the cabinet, Sanji began pulling out some of his thicker darker colored aprons. "I don't like the thought of some creepy bird spying in my kitchen." he muttered as he moved to the first porthole.
His green head tilted in alarm, Zoro watched as the cook covered every window and closed every curtain. It made it darker, but there was no way anyone could see into the galley. It suddenly dawned on him that the bird finally couldn't torment him. "Damn... I never thought I'd say this.. But thanks..." He leaned heavily back against the door and slid down until he was sitting in the floor. A weak laugh left him as he closed his eyes and let out a breath of relief. "I thought I was gonna go crazy..."
"Oi, don't get too comfy, shithead." Sanji lightly kicked the swordsman's leg and grinned at the growling glare he received. "Growl all you like. If you don't follow my rules I'll let that bird in."
Zoro made a strange choking sound. "Okay! Tell me your fuckin rules..." He was at the pervy cook's mercy. 'How humiliating...'
And Sanji knew it. "Alright, first rule, no movin my shit. If I find stuff where it's not supposed to be then I'll let that shitty bird have you."
"I can agree to that. What else?" He had no desire to mess with the cook's stuff. 'Never know what I might find in this pervert's kitchen...' That thought made Zoro shudder faintly.
Catching the shudder, Sanji snorted and blew smoke right in the swordsman's face. "Second rule, if I ask you to help me with something you do it. No complaining."
"Fine.. Anything else?" Zoro grumbled while fanning the smoke out of his face. 'Why do I feel like I'm selling my soul here?'
"Third is don't get in my way." Sanji flicked his ash at the form at his feet. "I don't care what you do as long as it doesn't disturb me. You can sleep as long as you don't snore. You can train until you start stinkin. I'll throw you out and won't let you back in until you clean up. As long as you don't break anything and do as I say you'll be fine."
Unable to see much choice in the matter, Zoro let out a frustrated breath and nodded. "Fine... I'll agree to these stupid terms.. Now what?"
Sanji gestured towards the back of the Galley where there was a mountain of sacks filled with potatoes. "Put one of those sacks on the table. After that you can go sleep in the corner. You look like under cooked hell."
"Sleep..?" Zoro repeated, like the word was foreign to him.
"That's what you came in here for, right? To get away from that bird and rest?" Sanji clapped his hands loudly. "Chop chop, shithead! I got potatoes to peel!"
Although he was surprised, a wide grin soon spread over Zoro's face. 'I can finally sleep..!'