Disclaimer: BioWare owns Mass Effect, and I am just playing in their sandbox.

Thane had seen many odd things in his years as a contract killer traveling the galaxy: an elcor diplomat reciting poetry to a female turian C-Sec officer; two quarians engaged in a heated exchange about the relative merits of asari honey mead versus a rare hanar wine distilled from seaweed—neither of which the quarians would be able to drink. But now Thane was certain that those things, odd as they were at first glance, were nothing compared to the sight of the human woman he was coaxing down to the medical bay.

"I've been workin' on the railroad!"

"Yes, I know, siha."

"All the live long daaaay!"

"Hush, now, we're almost there."


"Yes, Shepard?"

"What's a railroad?"

"I don't know, siha."


"Yes, siha?"

"Have you always been this sparkly?"

"No, siha." Thane saw the door to the med-bay with relief. "Ah, here we are."

The door slid open, revealing Dr. Chakwas and Mess Sergeant Gardner seated by her desk, each with a glass of some amber liquid. Chakwas, facing the door, saw them first.

"Mr. Krios—Commander? What's wrong with her?"

Thane glanced at the glass in her hand, his inner eyelids flicking across his eyes.

"I'm fit for service," Dr. Chakwas assured him, handing the glass to Rupert, who had also stood when Thane and Shepard hobbled in. "I've only had a few sips."

"I am a biotic goddess!" Shepard suddenly declared, a blue biotic corona suddenly flaring over her body. "I shall cleanse the galaxy of all scum and villainy! FEAR ME."

"Siha, please…"

Dr. Chakwas peered into Shepard's glassy eyes. "Hm. Dilated pupils, shortness of breath—good gracious, what has she been drinking?"

"Asari wine, Doctor, but I'm afraid that she's also hallucinating…"


Shepard chose at that moment to attempt a mnemonic form, but Thane held her arms down, making a soothing thrumming noise in his throat.

The biotic corona faded, and Shepard's head lulled back, a smile forming across her lips. "I can kill you with my brain."

Dr. Chakwas looked from Thane to Shepard, her expression clearing. "Clearly, neither of you consulted me on the side effects of drell and human relations."

Thane's inner eyelids flickered again. "Actually, Professor Mordin offered us some very good advice… only…" he glanced at down at Shepard, who was muttering nonsense words that his translator couldn't quite make sense of: something called a "welsh corgi" and "frak."

"We, uh, got lost in the moment."

Dr. Chakwas shook her head, suspecting that if drell could blush, he'd be red up to his scaly eyebrows. "I take it that you didn't follow that advice then?" She turned to her computer with a sigh, tapping out a few quick commands. "If she had come to me after consulting the Professor, there would be no need for this. I could have synthesized an anti-hallucinogenic lubricant or something."

Rupert, who had been hovering awkwardly in the background, perked up. "You can synthesize lubricants?"

Dr. Chakwas frowned, giving him her best "not now" look over her shoulder.

"Ah, yeah, I'll just be going then…"

"Is there anything you can do, doctor?" Thane said quietly, dodging Shepard's flailing limbs as she attempted to break-dance on the med-bay floor.

"I'll dose her up with electrolytes and a metabolic stimulant to flush her system , but the best thing to do is wait it out. Next time, Mr. Krios, do not let her drink so much alcohol. It's likely made the hallucinations worse."

Thane nodded somberly and, after seeing Shepard safely deposited on one of the cots, left the medical bay.

Chakwas peered through the glass, making sure that Thane was gone before switching on her omni-tool and setting it to "camera." The hallucinations would clear up quickly, and she wouldn't miss this opportunity for all the Serrice Ice Brandy in the galaxy.