This was originally posted as a one-shot under Attack of the Mary Sue Commandos, but since its conception, this story has continued to grow and expand. Unfortunately to be within FFN's guidelines (story titles must be G-rated) I had to change the working title. On a site where plagiarism (even of published authors) thrives, I doubt they would bother with me for using Ho in the title but better safe than sorry. Anyway here's the epic love story of Severus Snape and Hermione Granger in all of its cliched glory. Enjoy!

Several weeks ago I received a PM telling me that my SS/OFC fic would be so awesome if I had paired Severus with Hermione instead. It was then suggested that I start writing SS/HG. Okaaaaay... The person didn't specify what type of SS/HG fic she wanted, so I guess I get to choose.

A/N: Just so you know:
1. This fic is meant to be a Canon Sue. Why else would the series be called Attack of the Mary Sue Commandos?
2. It has not been beta read. I like my betas, but I overwork them enough with my other fanfic.
3. My co-writer for large portions of this was Two Buck Chuck (excessively perky introduced us.) TBC has no writing talent and is a lousy beta reader, which is why this isn't beta read. hiccups
4. This will be my one and only attempt to write SS/HG--ever! This fic throws together every horrible Mary Sue Hermione trait I have had the misfortune of seeing or dreaming up, stirs them up in a rusty cauldron, and serves it on a greasy ashtray with a side of sarcasm. If you are a super-serious, totally-in-love-with-them-being-in-love, hard-core SS/HG shipper, please make use of the back button at this point as I can guarantee you will find this fic offensive. Should you read on and proceed to flame my arse, I will tell you to get stuffed. Last chance to bail!


Obligatory disclaimer:
This is was written strictly for shits and giggles. I don't own any of the Harry Potter plot lines, characters, or anything else unless you count the copies of the books and movies and the few HP action figures I have purchased. In most cases, I even have the receipts.


Ho'moaning

It was late, and Professor Snape was annoyed that he was still slogging through a veritable mountain of first-year essays. Teaching all day and then being at the beck and call of either Dumbledore or the Dark Lord was taking it's toll on him. He needed a life, he needed some entertainment, but above all, he needed to get--

"Aaaaaahhhhh!"

Startled, he nearly fell out of his chair.

"Ohhhhhh!"

It was coming from the Potions classroom.

"Uh, uh, uuuuuhhhhhh!"

"What the bloody hell is that?" he asked no one, drawing his wand and preparing for an attack. "It sounds like a Kelpie in heat."

Suddenly the door to his office flew open, and in stepped--

"Miss Granger!" he addressed the figure in astonishment. "What is the meaning of this intrusion?"

Hermione stood in the doorway, her silky, honey-colored curls flowing down her back like a living thing freed. Her deep brown orbs sparkled with passion. When she spoke, her voice was husky with desire, "I want you. Right here, right now, or I'm going to explode."

"Either way that will make more of a mess than I'm willing to clean up, Miss Granger," Severus sneered, eying her warily as he searched for signs that she had been slipped a lust potion. Her liquid brown eyes were slightly dilated, her hands trembled, and her face was flushed. Unfortunately those symptoms could suggest either a potion or the real thing.

"Oh, come on, Severus. You know you want me too," Hermione purred, advancing on him. "I see the way you watch me during Potions class."

"It's called loathing, Miss Granger," snapped the Potions master as he eased his way around the desk, trying to keep a safe distance. "And don't call me Severus."

"Loathe?" she said, eyes widening. "How can you loathe me? I'm your best student! I'm the brightest witch of the age!"

"It's surprisingly easy, Miss Granger," Severus said evenly. "Besides, you're not the brightest witch of the age; you're the brightest witch of your age, meaning you are an exceptionally swotty schoolgirl."

"Do you want to swat the swotty schoolgirl's arse, Severus?" she teased, lifting her robes high enough to reveal her long, sleek legs.

Caught off guard, he swallowed before regaining his senses. "Absolutely not! And I told you not to call me Severus."

She pouted. "Don't be such a spoilsport. I can fulfill all of your deepest, most erotic desires."

"You know nothing about my desires, Miss Granger," replied Severus. "Wouldn't you be better off with one of those two dolt you spend so much time with? Surely Potter or Weasley would be more compatible with your experience level."

"Those little boys can't satisfy me on any level other than friendship--and barely even like that. I want a man who knows what he's doing, Severus. I know I can please you," she cooed.

"I highly doubt you know anything about carnal pleasures, and DON'T call me Severus!"

"Oh, yes, I do, Sev-- Professor," Hermione protested, groaning with effort as she hoisted her bulging book bag onto the desk with a thud. "I've been researching for months! Look!" She began pulling books out of the bag and laying them on the desk. "The Kama Sutra... The Joy of Sex... Beyond Basic Broom Riding Skills for the Bedroom... Advanced Wand Polishing for Wanton Witches! I know I can do a great job even if I've never done it before, because I've read all about it. It can't be anymore difficult than brewing Polyjuice Potion as a second-year."

Fair point, he thought as he gaped at the impressive collection of reference material. The cover of Advanced Wand Polishing for Wanton Witches had a moving picture that was incredibly tantalizing. Severus was so engrossed in the figures that he barely heard Hermione speaking to him. He looked up.

"...and if that's not impressive enough, I have these." Hermione opened her robes to reveal the most amazing pair of Bludgers he had ever seen outside of the Quidditch pitch. His jaw went slack.

"Are those real?" he sputtered

"Of course they are!" Hermione cried indignantly. "Padma Patil tried an Engorging Charm on hers with some really frightful results after I told her she would be better off using Swelling Solution."

His forehead creased. Who would have thought Hermione Granger of all people would be hiding something like those under her robes!

As if reading his mind, she continued, "I've kept them a secret with an Obscuring Charm I came across in third-year while I was doing some casual reading. Never thought I'd need it for something like this. I wanted to be liked for my brains, but that hasn't worked out as well as I had hoped it would."

Severus was distracted and found it difficult to concentrate on anything she was saying. He forced his eyes closed and said through clenched teeth, "Miss Granger, please, close your robes and leave. I've never in all my years of teaching dallied with a student, and I don't intend to make you the exception."

He nearly shouted out in surprise when he felt her pressing up against him, her hands seeking an opening in his robes. Trying (and failing) to make his escape, Severus ended up pinned against the wall. Taken aback by how deceptively strong Hermione was, the Potions master fought to free himself from her roving hands.

"Get off of me!" he ordered, shoving her away. He gripped his wand tightly in his hand and held it at the ready. "I don't know where you got this ridiculous notion that I fancy you, Miss Granger, but this nonsense must stop, or I will have you expelled and, if possible, sent to Azkaban."

Hermione looked at him, utterly heart-broken. "You don't mean that, Severus."

"I meant every word of it, Miss Granger," he replied sternly. "Honestly, I have never once given any indication that I remotely have any interest in you. I find you irritating, bossy, and I bloody well can't stand you. Reducing you to tears at least once a school year does not mean I harbor deep warm feelings for you. Merlin's sack, I'm old enough to be your father!

"But I love you! I want make you happy and be with you forever and have your babies!" she wailed, reaching for him in desperation.

She looked so pathetic he almost caved. Thankfully, his better judgment kicked in, and he said without the slightest trace of warmth, "Miss Granger, close your robes, pack up your books, and get out of my office immediately."

Sniffling loudly, Hermione did as she was told.

The door banged open, and a slightly disheveled Draco Malfoy burst into the office with Pansy Parkinson in his wake.

"Pardon me, sir. Pansy and I were patrolling the corridor and noticed that the classroom door was open," he said breathlessly. "We thought we heard shouting and decided to investigate."

"What's she doing here?" Pansy said, wrinkling her nose at the sight of Hermione, who was now fully-clothed.

Severus felt his composure falter slightly. "Miss Granger had a question, but now she is leaving."

Hermione nodded dejectedly and headed to the door, dragging her heavy bag of provocative literature behind her.

Severus waited until he heard the classroom door slam before speaking. "Be careful in the corridors, Draco," he warned. "It's possible Miss Granger has had a reaction to a potion. I think it may have affected her libido and judgment."

Draco looked horrified. "Do you think she may try to--"

"I'll hex the little tramp if she tries to put her Mudblood paws on you!" Pansy declared.

Smirking, Severus thought, No doubt you would Miss Parkinson. No doubts at all.



A/N: To those who told me I would get more reviews if I started writing SS/HG, I hope you are satisfied.