Title: I'm Adorable
Disclaimer: on my profile.
AN this is soooooo crackfic. CRACKFIC I tell you!
Ziva rubbed her hands together happily. "I will soon be in possession of 500 of your dollars DiNozzo. Thank you very much."
He tilted his head to the side and gave a half smirk, "You got that wrong David; you'll be giving me your $500," he glanced at his watch, "exactly one week from now."
"Impartial witness here." McGee spoke up from his desk, "but honestly, Tony, you don't stand a chance."
"Oh I always stand a chance Probie. You forget Anthony DiNozzo does not lose."
"Did not lose." Ziva grinned as she sat down, "past tense Tony."
"Ever heard the phrase 'don't count your chickens until they're hatched?'"
Ziva gave a short pause before moving on to taunt Tony again. "There is very little chance that you will survive one full week without flirting with a woman, Tony."
McGee snorted from his corner of the office and continued to tap on his keyboard.
"I can not flirt. I've got will-power. And self-control." As Ziva and McGee broke in to peals of laughter, Tony stood up and stomped toward the elevators. "I don't NEED to flirt!"
As the elevator doors closed behind him Tony heard Ziva ask 'Tim why would you not want to count your chickens before they hatch?'
Once the doors shut he let out a sigh and muttered, "What the hell did I get myself into?"
The first day of the bet was easy. The 'no flirt rule' only applied to on duty time. And day one was spent on a construction site sifting through evidence and interviewing workers regarding the 20 story dive/death of a yeoman. While there is equal opportunity hiring in the construction world, there is also, historically, a hell of a lot fewer women on construction sites than there are men. At this site, the ratio was 0- 56.
Tony was flirt free all day long.
Day two was a little harder, Gibbs put him on desk duty. Which meant that he was in the hub. In the middle of all of the action. The action being: pretty women in business suits that fit… oh… so… right. But he made it through. And with a grin in Ziva and McGee's direction as he headed out of the office at the end of the day, Tony went home.
Day three sucked. Sucked the big one. HUGE suckage.
'Why' the major suckage, you may ask?
Because Ziva and McGee spread the word. That's right. They told alllll of the women on the main floor about the little 'no flirt' bet.
Tony's life became one big living hell. Women sashayed by his desk, women who never came to the hub. Women smiled at him, women who had shot him down more times than he cared to remember.
Women flirted with HIM… as a matter of fact, at the end of day three, Director Shepherd glided down the stairs, into the hub and stopped at DiNozzo's desk. Ostensibly she wanted to check on the status of the Feller case, but Tony could have sworn she flirted with him.
How… HOW was Tony DiNozzo supposed to resist the lure of so many women? So many beautiful women?
And then… Monday, day four, rolled around…. And Ziva and McGee pulled out the big guns.
Tony was seated at his desk, scrolling through the Vint-Pic website, when the scent of incense and jasmine wafted over him. Abby. Tony had managed to avoid Abby most of last week. Some of the avoidance was circumstantial, and some was calculated. He'd never really pursued his interest in Abby, but the temptation represented by her long limbs, curves, and infectious smile had always been there.
So her sudden appearance at his desk, all short skirted, huggy, and smiley was NOT a good thing.
"I hear you made a bet with Ziva?"
"A bet I'm winning," he glanced around Abby to Ziva who growled at him from her desk.
"So the deal is you can't flirt with anyone through tomorrow?"
"Yeah." His tone was more dejected than he'd planned. "Not that it's been difficult." Until now. He glanced at Abby's legs.
Standing up Abby moved and leaned over Tony's shoulder. Hugging him from the back she teased, "so is that why you haven't been down to the lab to see me?"
"No!" Okay so maybe 'yes'. "I mean, no. No, Abs, I've just been busy. It's been really overwhelming up here. Right Probie?" He turned his head to McGee, looking for some support.
"I haven't been too busy to stop down and see Abby, Tony."
"Nor have I." Added Ziva.
"Well maybe I've been doing your work for you two, because, I've been busy."
Abby hugged Tony again, her sweet scent falling over him. "I don't care how busy you are Tony, you make time for me. 'Kay?"
He wanted to say 'I'll make time, room, anything you want me to make for you.' He wanted to say, 'your wish, is my command.' He wanted to say, 'have I mentioned how delicious you smell?' But instead, his gut churning with the expenditure of self control, he simply stated. "Okay."
Watching Abby prance out of the hub, he missed the look of contemplation that flitted across Ziva's face.
"Tony, can you please deliver these reports to Abby?" Ziva only spared a half a glance in Tony's direction before she flagged down Timothy and stated, "McGee, we are needed in SecNav are we not?"
In on the plan, McGee nodded and headed up the stairs with Ziva; both of them ignoring Tony's sputtered, confused: "Why can't you take it to Abby…. Hey! What's going on in SecNav?! And why am I not invited?!"
He looked around the empty hub and frowned. He really didn't want to go down to the Lab. Being with Abby, alone with Abby would not be a good thing for him. He was able to avoid flirting with Ziva. And the secretary's hub was, apparently, just as easy to walk around as it was to walk through; so he was able to avoid most of the women in that part of NCIS Headquarters. But the lab… Abby's lair. Abby…. Abby could break him.
She didn't know it.
She'd never really tried it.
But he knew it. He knew that if she flashed her green eyes at him, parted her red lips in… just the right way, he'd lose it.
He'd lose his self control and he'd lose the bet.
Not only would he flirt with Ms. Sciuto, but he'd let her wrap him around her little finger so tightly he'd never be removed.
He sighed, straightened his tie, and headed to the elevator. He could do this. He could go down to her lab, hand her some paperwork, and leave.
He was a special agent. He was skilled. He was Anthony DiNozzo.
The elevator 'binged' its arrival on the bottom floor of NCIS.
…. And she's Abby Sciuto.
He was screwed.
"Delivery man!" He painted on a clueless smile and headed towards the dark haired scientist.
Abby turned around and bounced happily in his direction. "Presents! For me!"
He flipped the envelope over in his hand. "Less 'presents', more 'work'; they're from Ziva."
"Oooooh, no then they really are presents! She was going to get me the names of some of these Israeli rock groups, and translate the lyrics to this cool song I heard the other day." Abby opened up the envelope and flipped through the pile of papers he'd brought down. "And the Israeli Rolling Stone, with Ofra Haza on the cover!"
He pouted, "So I just delivered… music to you?"
"Yep!" Abby twirled towards her main computer, and flopped on to a stool, flipping through the lists and lyrics that Tony had delivered.
He groaned quietly. He was going to kill Ziva.
"What's the matter?" Abby looked at Tony after hearing him groan.
"Hmm? What? Nothing. Nothing… work to do, reports to file. Gibbs to keep happy!" He started to back out of the lab.
"Tony DiNozzo, stop right there!"
He closed his eyes, then opened them again; innocence painting his visage.
Abby squinted and studied him. "Something is wrong with you. Share!"
"Nothing's wrong. I'm," he went for a partial truth. "I'm just out of sorts; no flirting rule and," he opened his arms widely, "so many women around." He was finding it difficult to not flirt. Flirting was part of his nature. Part of his manhood. But right now… at this moment, it was Abby that making him nervous. 'Jump her bones' nervous. For some reason, right now, all he wanted was to pull Abby into his arms and hold her close.
Maybe this not flirting thing was cleansing his body… making him think more clearly. Making him see what was right in front of him. And what he couldn't have.
Abby continued to squint. "That's not it. I don't know what 'it' is. But that is not it." She let her face clear. "I'll figure it out Tony." She turned her back to him and rolled her stool to her keyboard. Talking to him over her shoulder, she added. "And when I do find out, you will be punished for withholding information from me."
He almost groaned again, this time not because he'd been tricked, but because Abby had just promised him to punish him. Words, flirty words, danced on his tongue. A tongue that he bit down on to prevent it from speaking.
"You can go away now Tony." Abby ordered him out of her lab.
And he gratefully escaped.
Beer in his hand and a scowl on his face, Tony went to the door – where someone was pressing on the buzzer with a passion. He'd finally made it home and now, now he couldn't even drown his sudden Abby lust-addled brain in alcohol in peace.
Flinging the door open he barked a quick, loud "What?!!!?!?"
His bark was greeted by a smiling, adorable Abby.
"Abs?" He shook his head slightly. How many beers have I had?
She released the doorbell and chided him: "What took you so long? I was ringing for forever."
"Who taught you how to ring a bell Abby? Press and release. Press and release."
She pushed past him into his apartment. "I find I get more entertaining responses from the press and hold method.
He shut the door behind her, lifted his beer to his lips and turned around. His drink spurted out of his mouth when he saw Abby dropping her coat from her shoulders to reveal a skimpy little black and white maids outfit. French maids outfit… you know, the kind with the white ruffles, all short and fluffy and long leg showing…. Yeah. That kind of outfit.
"Are you okay?" Abby turned around at the sound of him coughing out his drink and trying to breathe again.
And this time he almost choked on air. The front was even more amazing than the back. Curved, sweetheart neckline with a thin lace edging.
"I'm… what's… your dress…." Sounding like McGeek Tony, pull yourself together. "Abby, you're wearing a maid's outfit."
Her grin brightened and she spun around. "I know! Isn't it great?! I've been saving it for a special occasion."
Great! She 's got a special occasion planned with someone; someone else who's going to be able to see her long legs in dark fishnets…see her hair up in that loose little bun that just begs to be 'undone'. Great! "So who's the lucky man?" His hand was clinched around his beer bottle as he lifted it to his lips.
"'That's what she said'." Abby flounced over to him. "I figured you out Mister!"
"You – you did?"
"I told you I would… and I did!" She took his beer from his suddenly slack hand and took a sip. "You're going through withdrawal. You, need someone to flirt with. You need to get your flirt on. You need a flirtee with benefits." She looked up at him. "So here I am!"
"A flirtee with benefits?"
"Mmm Hmmm, someone you can flirt with in extreme amounts who won't take it seriously." She moved her way to his couch. "Hit me daddio!"
"C'mon. Use me and abuse me. Flirt shamelessly with me. Get it out of your system."
"Abby, really, I'm fine I –"
"Are you going to tell me that you don't want to flirt with me?" She peered at him.
"No. I mean yes. Abby," he closed his eyes, sighed and took a deep breath. "I want to flirt with you. I really really want to flirt with you, but… I want more than that too." Did I just say that out loud? Deep deep dark secret that was supposed to stay buried! He opened one eye and looked at Abby.
"What kind of 'more' are you talking about?"
"Exclusive flirting rights?"
"I can't stop other people from flirting with me Tony; I'm adorable."
He smiled, a real smile; the first one of the day. "Can you, maybe, want me to be the only one who flirts with you?"
"Are you asking me to marry you? Sleep with you? Date you?"
"A date. Let's start with a date. You and me this weekend. We can start with a date."
Abby stood up. "I've known you for years Tony; I'm not your type."
"I like to think I've grown up in the past few years; that my tastes have changed. Maybe I've finally seen the light."
Abby looked at him. "So you think you're ready to handle this?" She waved a hand up and down her frame.
"Willing. Ready and willing."
She moved closer, stopping when she was directly in front of him. "You so realize that the flirting exclusivity goes both ways."
"To quote a wise woman," he slid his hands around her waist tentatively, "I can't stop people from flirting with me Ms. Scuito, I'm adorable."
Abby grinned. "I think that counts as your first flirt of the evening."
"Hang on to your apron Abs, I think I feel a lot more flirts coming your way."