Things not to do on the TARDIS.

Author's note: Well, my muse struck again. Rather than giving me a nice inspiration for my next story, it decided to try writing in the Classic Doctor Who universe. Well, as you all know, my muse likes to write humor, so this was the result. Enjoy!

This story is set early in the Fifth Doctor era. For those of you who are curious, no, Tenth and his era will not be appearing. I have a staunch dislike of the directions the producers took with producing the new version.

1. Nyssa and frying pans don't mix.

The food synthesizer had finally decided to give out, so the Doctor, in his incredible intelligence, had handed Nyssa a frying pan and informed her that it was now her job to fix them all breakfast.

The frying pan now had a dent in it the exact size and shape of the Doctor's head.

2. Cool-Aid is never to be mentioned in again in this TARDIS.

As it turned out, yellow food coloring had an 'interesting effect' on Galefrayens. Namely, causing a particular Time Lord to bunny-hop around the room yelling "Eeep!" and waving a piece of celery.

3. The same goes for Jell-O!

Tegan finished adding the rule to the list just in time to watch Adric skip past, waving the Sonic Screwdriver in one hand.

She went to try to help Nyssa un-stick the Doctor from the console.

4. Super-gluing people to the console, however funny, is not to be done.

The doctor wasn't pleased, to say the least.

It had taken them two hours to get him un-stuck from the console.

5. In no case are unqualified pilots to operate the TARDIS without GOOD reason.

Adric and Nyssa had consumed too much ginger ale and decided to try flying the time-ship. Which they did. Upside-down into the middle of a garbage dump.

6. No Artillery.

No one knew what had prompted that rule, except that Adric had overheard him talking to himself about something his Third regeneration and Jo Grant had done involving a homemade catapult, a water balloon, and a stained-glass window.

7. You can not fly the TARDIS with your nose. Don't try.

A dare gone wrong had resulted in a large mess, and four extremely startled Daleks.

After all, it isn't every day a TARDIS materializes on your head.

8. Never punch unknown buttons on unknown machines.

It had turned out to be an automated paintball launcher. A polka-doted Nyssa was now demanding the Doctor remove any more booby-traps Susan had left about the ship.

9. Chewing gum stays away from the console.

The Doctor was less than pleased. After all, it HAD been a perfectly good Gravitic Anomliser before Tegan gummed it up with used chewing gum.

10. As funny as it is, don't paste "kick me" signs to the backs of people's coats.

They had been visiting a planet that tended to take things extremely literally. Adric and Nyssa's combined efforts nearly resulted in a civil war.

After all, the sign on the emperor's back had said 'kick me'. It wasn't his fault that his chief adviser had followed its instructions.

11. Doodling on people is not permitted.

Apparently, Nyssa had both insomnia and a permanent marker.

The Doctor now had 'imbecile' emblazoned on his forehead in permanent ink.

Adric apparently slept with his feet uncovered, for he had "This side down" printed on his left foot.

12. Banana-cream pies are not projectiles.

A relatively minor discussion at breakfast had- escalated. To the end result of a Time Lord and a Trakienien taking cover behind a large potted plant while the Earthling and the Arzalian pelted them with banana-cream pies.

13. Before putting something away, always check the dimensional pockets.

The doctor had recently found his previous regeneration's favorite coat. Unfortunately, he also discovered the half-eaten doughnut he had left in one of the pockets.

14. It is unwise to antagonize unknown aliens.

Fortunately, they had been a rather peaceful species.

Still, their version of punishment had been rather amusing. Adric and Tegan had spent two weeks convinced they were penguins.

15. Pictures tend to be solid.

Their latest adventure had seen The Doctor attempt a dramatic escape by jumping out a window. Only to find out it was, in fact, a large mural.

He was currently hiding in the Cloister room.

Author's Note: Well, what does everyone think? Horible? Wonderful? Should I continue working on this, or should I go back to writing Stargate humor? Review and let me know!