Random Tenchi Story III
(Sorry it's taken so long. If you guys like this one I will make number 4! Tenchi is owned by Hitoshi Okuda. By the way this is M for mature!)
The Masaki household. Tenchi Masaki's life was forever changed when 6 alien women visited him from afar and decided to make a seemingly permanent residence in his home. Since their stay all sort of wacky fun filled adventures led them to the brink of insanity and even death as we saw in the last two stories. A few days after the Alaska incident everyone who perished was once again brought back into existence by none other than Washu, the greatest scientific genius in the universe. It was about half an hour before the sun came up as Nobuyki, Tenchi's father, watched the news as he prepared for work. On the news was the major story of Alaska's relocation to Hawaii.
Nobuyuki: "Man (he said as he nom'd some cereal) who would do such a thing? Anyways, off to work. Come to think of it there really isn't anything to do around here. Tenchi is constantly working as well as the girls. I should give them something as a gift to thank them…but what?"
Nobuyuki thought for a few minutes as he put his jacket on and walked out the door to his van.
Nobuyuki: "I've got it! The video game system we currently have is old and outdated. Time for an upgrade. I'll get them the best system out there!"
With that Nobuyuki cheerfully drove to Okayama looking forward to purchasing a new video game system.
As usual Sasami was the first one up after Nobuyuki left fulfilling her voluntary duties to make a hearty breakfast for the rest of the residents living in the home. She turns on the stove and reaches into the cabinet as a mouse trap snaps on her pinky.
After removing the anti-rodent device from her finger she inspects it as she discovers it has Washu's signature crab symbol on it.
Sasami: "That bitch Washu! I'll make her a special breakfast!"
Reaching back into the cabinet she finds a bottle of Indian Vindaloo hot sauce. Setting it next to a bottle of drain cleaner she grabs pots and pans off the walls dowsing them with cooking spray. Along with those she cracks several eggs and starts placing them in the pans. The smell of the eggs cooking now filled the home as the satisfying scent woke up everyone else in the house. Washu leaves her lab after a good 9 hour sleep which was rare for her. As she put her foot into the entrance of the kitchen she saw an incoming oversized mallet that Sasami named: "The Spanker." Stepping back just in time she avoided Sasami's attack reminding her that no one was allowed in the kitchen until the food was ready. The impact of the hammer hitting the floor caused the whole house to shake. As Mihoshi left her room a loose brick on the ceiling fell from the hammer vibration. It landed on her head knocking her out. Kiyone soon followed noticing Mihoshi sprawled out on the wooden floor.
Kiyone: "Mihoshi wake up! That's what you have a bed for!"
Not realizing the cause of the situation Kiyone just picked her up and fireman carried her down to the living room. Ayeka was the next to leave her room. The first step she took out of the room led to a sharp pain, stepping on a shard of the brick that just broke over Mihoshi's head.
Ayeka: "Gobb-Knobbling Fuckmints!!"
The entire house fell silent for a moment as everyone was surprised to hear what they thought was the first Princess of Jurai let out the most unusual profanity they had ever heard.
Kiyone: "Ayeka was that you?"
Ayeka: "Err…no it was Ryoko!"
Kiyone: "Nice try. Are you alright up there?"
Ayeka: "No. Someone decided to do some remodeling and left a brick in the hallway. Now a part of it is stuck in my foot!"
Kiyone: "Brick? Wait a second?"
She looks at Mihoshi's forehead noticing a massive welt.
Kiyone: "Ohhhhhhh. HA! That's hilarious!"
Ryoko now steps out of her room and makes it down the stairs without incident leaving Ayeka upstairs to hobble down to the living room by herself. She reeked of sake sitting down next to Kiyone and Mihoshi who was now coming to.
Kiyone: "Could you at least put the bottle down for a day? An hour even?"
Ryoko: "Why? It's a gift that was given to us and I intend to keep on using it."
Mihoshi: "Oh my head…where am I? I want some…sake…"
Kiyone: "Mihoshi don't even start. You haven't had breakfast anyways."
The last of the household individuals to awaken was none other than Tenchi himself. Cautiously waking up he looked around for any hints that may suggest that he was going to get raped again. On his doorknob was an envelope attached to a string. He opened it to find a small device similar to an electronic car door lock. On it was a note from Washu reading: "Click the button. I know you want to." A sense of fear came over him knowing what Washu was capable of. Minutes later he decided to press the button. He then vanished from his room.
Washu: "Hey, is breakfast almost done? We're kind of hungry over here and…"
Throwing knifes come from the kitchen whizzing by Washu's face and arms planting themselves in the wall behind her.
Sasami: "Go ahead! Ask me if breakfast is ready one more time!"
Not inquiring any further Washu refrained from talking while Kiyone found the TV remote and turned on the television. Right away she sees an abnormality.
Kiyone: "Everyone look! Call me insane but I think Tenchi is on TV!"
Everyone else: "HUH?"
Sure enough on the same news channel Tenchi was pounding on the TV screen from the inside.
Tenchi: "Girls! Get me out of here! White people are everywhere!!"
Ayeka: "Not sure what he means by that but we need get him out!"
Ryoko: "Washu! I know you're behind this so get him out."
Washu: "I see he's tried my device I left on his door knob. Let me see the remote, Kiyone."
Sasami: "I know we should help Tenchi guys but breakfast is ready."
Ayeka: "Sasami, not now we're…"
Sasami fires an AK-47 into the ceiling resulting in the girls rushing to the table. As she gets ready to serve them Sasami accidentally grabs the bottle of drain cleaner, not looking, and pours it into the plate intended for Washu. When she gives the girls their plates Washu instantly smells the strong bleach smell coming from her plate and switches it with Mihoshi.
Mihoshi: "Hey why did you switch our plates?"
Washu: "Because there's more food on that plate. You like to eat anyways."
Mihoshi: "Oh really? Thanks!"
Washu: "Your welcome…fat ass pig (in whisper)"
Washu: "Dat grass big is what I said"
After breakfast the girls completely forgot about Tenchi in the television. Soon 5pm rolled around and Nobuyuki walked through the front door. He called out to all the girls.
Nobuyuki: "Ok girls…say where's Tenchi? Oh well. Anyways you've all been working very hard keeping the house intact for the most part and paying your rent. So to say thank you to all of you I brought you this!"
He pulls out a new video game console.
Ryoko: "That's just a box that says Xbox 360 on it"
Ayeka: "Nigga please, you have to open it first!"
Kiyone: "You retards. It's obvious he just got us a brand new Xbox 360 so please drop the stupid act. It's bad enough I have to put up with Mihoshi's antics"
Nobuyuki: "Speaking of which where is she?"
Kiyone: "Mihoshi? I think she's dead. She accidently had some drain cleaner for breakfast."
Nobuyuki: "That's too bad. She would have loved this thing. Oh and I bought a few games too. There in the bag. I'm going upstairs to change. Have fun with the new system."
Sasami: "I get first dibs. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II. Sounds good to me! How do we set this thing up?"
Washu: "The genius always has to do the work around here. Give me the cables"
Minutes later the cables are plugged in and the system is ready to go.
Sasami: "Xbox live…what's that?"
Washu: "It's how you play online against other players worldwide. It looks like it comes with a free 69 year trial"
Sasami: "Well bitch hook me up. I'm gonna pwn some noobs!"
Washu: "(Do I kill her now or later?)
After getting to the main screen Sasami finds an Xbox live match and joins in. Right away she begins dominating the round until a white-robed figure appears dodging every attack. It was Tenchi in his Jurai battle uniform.
Sasami: "Wow I get to fight Tenchi on Xbox live. How cool is that?!"
Ayeka: "Wait Sasami! That's the real Tenchi. I completely forgot about him because we were too busy dumping Mihoshi's dead body into the river!"
Ryoko: "I'll blast him out"
Sasami: "If you do anything as to interfere with my game play so help me kami I will break every one of those fingers off and shove them so far up your ass you'll shit fingernails for weeks!"
Washu: "Show of hands…kill Sasami now?"
Sasami: "Wait a second…!!!"
Nobuyuki leaves from the shower into his room to dry off. As he looks out the window he sees what looks like a young girl with aqua green hair's body floating down the river just by their house.
Nobuyuki: "Wow that fish looks just like Sasami"
Nobuyuki walks downstairs to find the girls gathered around the television taking turns trying to shoot Tenchi on Call of Duty.
Nobuyuki: "Girls not to be pushy but usually Sasami is making dinner around this time. Where is she anyways?"
Ayeka: "She went to go sleep with the fish"
Nobuyuki: "So what about dinner?"
Ryoko: "We ordered pizza so don't worry about it. If you want to be helpful do you think you can buy some alcohol?"
Nobuyuki: "I suppose. Be right back"
Ryoko: "You know this isn't that bad. I kind of like Tenchi in the TV"
Tenchi: "Girls please stop this! Noob tubes and knife fags! I can't hold them off forever!"
Washu: "Just a little longer Tenchi. Besides if you die in the game you'll just respawn"
Mihoshi: "Hey guys! Oh I love video games!"
Washu: "Hey Miho…wait a second! You're alive!?"
Mihoshi: "What do you mean? I just passed out in the river that's all"
A random pterodactyl swoops down into the house and carries Mihoshi off into the mountains. Then the doorbell rings.
Ryoko: "I'll get it. I bet it's the pizza"
Ayeka: "All we need is some sake"
Washu: "Forget that. I feel like a good beer"
Ryoko: "Anyone want to get high?"
Ayeka: "On what?"
Ryoko: "I don't know"
Washu: "Isn't that going a bit far?"
Ryoko: "Not at all. I bet Nobuyuki has something hiding in the closet."
Ryoko walks to the closet by the front door and opens it disappointed only to find jackets and shoes. A further look reveals a natural gas pipe that connects with the gas burner in the kitchen.
Ryoko breaks it releasing the gas into the house. She then rejoins Ayeka and Washu on the couch with game controllers.
Ryoko: "What are you playing now?"
Ayeka: "I think this is Halo 3? These Earth games are so confusing"
Washu: "No I'm sure it's just that you are a complete retard"
Half an hour passes as the gas continues to leak into the house. Washu decides to go back into her lab leaving Ryoko and Ayeka on the couch high as Olympus Mons on Mars.
Ryoko: "You know…that was a great idea"
Ryoko: "The gas pipe. I have no idea what's going on right now"
Ryoko and Ayeka are sitting back on the couch looking up at the ceiling laughing at nothing. The natural gas is slowly taking effect.
Ryoko: "You know…I have an idea"
Ryoko: "Hehehehe…we…should…break more pipes!"
Ayeka: "Hey great idea!!"
Ayeka finds a monkey wrench under the sink and breaks the stove and microvave. She then takes all the kitchen utensils and puts them in the blender. Ryoko takes the couch and flushes it down the toilet. Kiyone, passed out completely on the couch, goes with it.
Ryoko: "What else can I flush…the TV!!"
Tenchi: "Ryoko! Thank goodness. Are you finally going to get me out of here? Hey wait why are we in the bathroom? Ryoko get me out of the toilet!" FLUSH "Ryoko! ….."
Ryoko: "What's next? Oooooh!! Where's Ryo-oh-ki!?"
She finds Ryo-oh-ki, grabs her, and walks to the kitchen. She was planning on putting her in the microwave but Ayeka already put the microwave in the blender. All around the kitchen were the powdery remains of whatever Ayeka blended, utensils, food, pictures, car keys, glass, a computer, Tenchi's school books, Sasami's apron, and even Nobuyuki's paycheck. Ryoko just laughed and fell backwards letting go of Ryo-oh-ki as she ran out of the house.
Ryoko: "You know, I haven't had this much fun in a long time!"
Ayeka: "I know…we should do this more often. Let's watch some TV"
Ryoko: "We can't…the TV…it's…I flushed it down the toilet…"
Ryoko and Ayeka burst into a hysterical laugh that shattered all the windows in the house. This continued on for several minutes before Ryoko came up with another ingenious plan. She pulls out some cigars.
Ryoko: "Ok. Let's have a smoke together."
Ayeka: "I haven't smoked for ages but I have this feeling we shouldn't do that here…I don't know why though…oh well. Light me up!"
Ryoko pulls out a lighter and flicks it…
In Washu's lab she completes making duplicates of the household appliances that were lost knowing what she was going to see when she opened the door to the house. As she expected the house was a crater. Outside the front yard Nobuyuki was in tears as his house was non-existent.
Washu: "Cheer up."
Nobuyuki: "How can I cheer up? My house is decimated…again!"
Washu: "I'll just bring it back (she said taking a sip of her beer)"
Nobuyuki: "Where's everyone else?"
Washu: "Well Tenchi was flushed…probably in the septic tank now. Kiyone too. Mihoshi was carried off by a dinosaur which I can't even explain. Ayeka and Ryoko were in that explosion so I don't know where they are."
Nobuyuki: "Is it still too late to party?"
Washu: "(Grinning) It's never too late."
Out of the ground giant speakers emerge and the beats of heavy techno dance music play as Washu and Nobuyuki dance the night away.
Today's winners: Washu, Nobuyuki, Ryo-oh-ki