omg why have I been on so much random? It's probably the homework I'm not doing. Anyway, clearly this is AU solely so I can support my shadow!ship Itabi, which will be making more appearances in future babble, believe me. You could say I'm practicing my first-person writing.

Disclaimer no justu! And Cluckopatra is indeed a mummified chicken, that grew famous throughout the halls of the classics department. oh environmental science majors.


I, Hyuuga Hanabi, have a Plan. This Plan has been nearly fourteen years in the making, and please keep in mind that I am sixteen. You know, people always say 'out of the mouths of babes', and by babes they mean children not Yuuhi Kurenai, because that's probably a different thing all together, but the message holds. The stuff I said at the time probably came out like pffftbblsrtm but I was thinking awesome thoughts, thoughts that have been refined and developed into the Plan, which means only an act or seven from god will prevent my plan from coming to fruition.

I guess the Plan isn't really a plan so much as a list of plans to achieve a goal. The goal to become the strongest person in the Village, because father was training Hinata, and she kept losing, so clearly he wanted her to beat him, who was, I thought, the strongest person around, because he made some people cry and more people angry and a lot more people bruised.

-

I learned Father was not actually the strongest when I was two, and Father had seen fit to take me and my sister and my cousin to the playground. Being a playground for, well, miniature ninja, any safety features the Village ordinance felt were necessary for the protection of the new generation were often ripped off, scorched, crushed and sometimes peed on, and if they were lucky, all that wouldn't happen in one afternoon. The lack, or rather, deliberate mutilation of child-friendly facilities leads to the inevitable childish squabbling, which I think causes more political warfare than, say going up to the Hokage Tower, and vandalizing the 'fire' character so that it looks like 'dog' and then claiming some Yamanaka made you do it for Hyuuga money. Like, you want to know the real story behind the division between the Uchiha and the rest of the village after its founding? Some Uchiha had a crush on the First Hokage's daughter, and in typical playground fashion, pushed her around, put frogs down her shirt and cut off one of her pretty blond pigtails. Goodbye prime real estate. Anyone tells you otherwise is just trying to save face.

Anyway, this playground, being the safety hazard that it was, was immensely popular, and thus usually pretty crowded. At the time, one Uchiha Sasuke was the king of the playground, even though more often than not the only times he looked happy there were when he came and when he left. Later we figured out it was because his mommy insisted he play with children while he was there, but presumably walking to and from the playground with her was worth putting up with a bunch of other kids. But that mama's boy is not the point. The point is that this particular incident was when I was two and Hinata was seven and Neji was eight and we were building a sand castle. Although to be more precise I was just sitting there supervising the construction and Neji was in charge of building it up to my standards. Hinata ended up getting the water. It meant going half way across the park, into the center of it where the fountain was, and carefully filling an upside down frisbee.

On this particular day Sasuke and his groupies were riding the playground summons. Sasuke of course had the one in the best condition, I think it was supposed to be a dragon, maybe a slug; whatever it was was the closest to the walkway. On her third trip back, Kiba was jumping off his swing which shouldn't have been a problem except one of the chains was pulled out of the structure and his mother jumped in and saved him but the force pushed her back and into Hinata and of course all the water ended up on Sasuke's head. Hinata was on the ground eating sand before anyone else knew what happened and nothing any one did or threatened to do would make him apologize once the little animal was pried off my sister. Nothing until ANBU-at-the-time twelve year old Uchiha Itachi showed up because their mother was shopping and she was under the impression little Sasuke would get lost or abducted or raped if he were to walk home alone so could his wonderful older brother please do her the favor? He just stared at Sasuke until the jerk finally said he was sorry, and again like he meant it and then they went home. It was then I concluded Uchiha Itachi, who could do what my father couldn't, and put such a stupid face on Uchiha Sasuke, was definitely the strongest person in the Village, and therefore my Plan was to beat the tar out of him.

-

I only saw him from a distance for years after that, in which he was being ANBU and I was being grown, but the goal didn't change, and neither did the Plan. When I was eight some weirdo named Orochimaru, who was a student of the Hokage before he went nuttier than Auntie Aiko's fruitcake, invaded the Village. He was after Cluckopatra, his mummified chicken, which he had apparently left when he fled the country to perform illegal and uninsured elective surgeries unhindered however many years ago. Naturally the Hokage had had all his crap exorcised, burnt to the ground, collected in puzzle boxes and hurtled into space. Naturally Orochimaru was not amused, and so teacher and student faced off. I'm assuming Orochimaru taking the more literal meaning of the term 'face off' had something to do with his win. I'm sure if I were a wrinkled old man, I'd have a heart attack at the tranny freak my favorite pupil had become too.

After that they needed a new Hokage and rather than the super pervert that showed up out of nowhere, who was Orochimaru's best friend even, they ended up getting the team's girl to do the job. Obviously women are less inclined to crazy, which was definitely an edge for me and my goal.

When I was ten, I noticed my sister's age group started pairing off, and with this proximity to the world of dating, suddenly I had knowledge I had no idea existed. The male side of the equation was subject to more abuse, teasing from friends, carrying stuff, spending money. Utter devastation. The answer was clear. To achieve my goal, I needed to be Uchiha Itachi's girlfriend. I still only rarely saw him, but when I officially became a genin, I caught a break. Uchiha Itachi, following the steps of several notables, left ANBU to be a jounin teacher. For -my cell. Act of god, right there. I wasted no time applying the successful courting techniques I had observed up till then. My sister, as everyone knew, had a massive crush on the town retard I mean savior. Everyone else had at one point pined for Uchiha Sasuke. What they had going was monstrously effective. A most promising Plan A.

I ignored the hell out of Uchiha Itachi. I talked to him when I had to, he was my teacher after all, but I made it clear he would get no special attention from me. After a month, I still had no results and in a fit of desperation I agreed to go to lunch with my sister and her team. Turns out that was another act of divine intervention, because they went to Ichiraku Ramen, which had since become a landmark in the Village as the first thing that was rebuilt when Konoha had been flattened years before. And as a favor to Naruto, who magically managed to bring everyone back to life, the noodle place had expanded into three parcels of land and you couldn't get in unless Ayame, the hostess at the door, liked you or acknowledged that you had in fact reserved a table three months ago for this time.

Nobody dislikes my sister, because they feel horribly and painfully guilty about it for years after and even then they still need therapy. I swear, my sister could sneeze and a kirin would show up with a hanky on its horn. She got us in easy. Maybe also because she spent a ton of time and money stalking Naruto here, for all the good it did her.

Anyway, of course Naruto was there and of course we sit with him and the four of them start talking about when they were my age. It hit me then that Hinata had known Naruto in school and stuff and then later started crushing on him, whereas Itachi didn't know the first thing about me. Well, he knew my name, which is the first thing, but he didn't have much beyond that. A situation I needed to rectify. Once he knew how awesome I am, then I could start ignoring him.

So you know, two years go by, and when I wasn't showing up every girl and fag that appeared with my superior looks, skills and pedigree, I was slowly getting to know Itachi-sensei and he was quickly getting to know me. I wasn't expecting him to follow me around like toilet paper stuck to my shoe, but I needed something more promising than 'while your ideas for my hair will be helpful should I ever need to disguise myself as topiary, you're still not going home until you hit me with one arm incapacitated' to know it was time to enact the Plan. He spent extra time training me over the other two, but he spent a lot of extra time criticizing me as well so I figured he was just taking the 'teacher mission' seriously.

He had the decency to take me to dinner on those long days, and on one of them we saw Naruto and Sakura on a… date I guess was the only word for it. She hit him in the shoulder three times before their order arrived, once because he was twenty and pretending to be a deer with his chopsticks, and then she clocked him because he said he couldn't find his wallet, only to elbow him in the face when he found it in some woman's purse and wondered in his usual stentorian tones when that had happened, because she was embarrassed by the spectacle he was making.

Realization hit me like a load of bricks; to be more accurate, I suppose it hit me when the ashtray Sakura threw didn't because Itachi-sensei snatched it out of the air in a stunning display of his usual amazing. Itachi wasn't anything like Hinata, so the analogy was faulty. Sensei was confident, and proactive and awesome beyond words and male.

Sensei definitely respected strength, and a woman that could hit him that many times that often was bound to be the one. No one had ever done it before which had to have been why he'd never had a girl or boy friend.

I spent the next two years, even after I became a chuunin, trying to get one good whack in, while being beaten purple and insulted and insulting back and every now and then getting a free dinner.

-

My Plan is at yet another stage of revision, although I'm a bit iffy on the quality. Hinata apparently has decided to stage an intervention. She chose the most well adjusted people she knows. She apparently planned this months ago, it just took her well adjusted people that long to get used to the idea that I want to be Itachi's girlfriend. My hopes are sinking faster than a lead frog.

"Normal people just say 'I like you', you know," Kiba takes me aside and tells me while trying not to gag. He must really like my sister a lot to do this for her.

That's no where in my Plan, so of course I'm skeptical.

"Normal people? Uchiha Itachi is the farthest thing from 'normal' to ever exist!" He's extra-normal, hyper-normal, super-normal, arch-normal, ultra-normal. It will not work.

"So're you," mutters Kiba like I can't hear him.

"Perhaps 'normal' is what he is looking for," Shino says solemnly. "People always wish for what they can't have, and for qualities that they aren't."

Bug-boy has a point, but still. It came from Kiba. It shows in its simplicity. One line. Spoken out loud. Well, it'll be quick to disprove. I go off to find him.

Find him I do, waiting at our training ground. He still takes time to train me personally and bitch about everything I mess up. He keeps comparing me to his foolish little brother, and has the most condescending poke known to man. This is how transcended of normal Uchiha Itachi is. He will poke me, just the one finger, when I leave even a sliver of an opening, and this finger conveys fluently how much suck I must be made of to have let it through. This is the man I want for my boyfriend.

So I march up to him, plant my feet on the ground and tell him straight out.

"I l—" It's harder than I thought, but I'm determined if nothing else in the world. "I l— I want to be your girlfriend." It's true, although the exact words weren't the Plan that was finalized ten minutes ago.

"Really?" he asks like I've just said I want to die my hair orange and he's colorblind anyway so why should he care.

"Yes." I am unmovable in this. I've spent most of my life working toward this goal, and I don't waste my time.

"Hmm." He gives me that thoughtful look that means he's debating the stranglehold or the knee-smash. "Good."

I must be losing my hearing faster than father is losing his hair, because I swear he just said 'good' like his pet bird has finally learned where it can and can not crap in the house.

"Good? That's it?!" That, for some reason, and I'm beginning to suspect it has something to do with why I can't admit I like him, pisses me off. This time, I try to take his head off because I want to be violent, and it's not part of any Plan.

Of course I get blocked, and take a finger to the face on top of it. And then he pins my arms behind me in the elbow-breaker. Or course, that doesn't mean I stay quiet.

"I just told you I want to be your girlfriend! You're not ecstatic you have such a fine specimen of awesome telling you this! You're not conflicted that I was your student! You're not even surprised, dammit!" I take a breath and yell some more. "Were you just waiting for me to up and confess to you?!"

"That was the plan," he says easily. Oh. Well, hell.

Let it never be said me sensei/boyfriend isn't a smug bastard. But fourteen years of hard work, and I can safely say, he's my smug bastard and it all went perfectly according to plan.


That was me pretending Itachi shows affection .cough. sasuke .ahem. by being kind of a dick.